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jbay7 · 10-11-2022, 06:09 PM

Which SMJHL team is the most powerful? There are certainly many different ways to analyze this question, but in this deep dive we are going to delve into the most scientific approach: who would win in a fight?

Now some might approach this question by looking at things like which team has the players that have won the most fights, or have spent the most TPE on the fighting attribute, or who has the most PIM. These, of course, are terrible ways to determine this. The simplest, yet most scientific and most effective way to do this is to look at each team's name and define exactly what it is, and then determine on a case-by-case basis which of these would win a fight to the death against each other team.

The first step is to define each team. After much research, our committee has agreed upon the following:

1. Anchorage Armada - Based on the logo, we can determine that due to the height of the conning tower and the size of the deck guns that the ships in question are of the Cruiser class. Note that while most team names specify plural, for this exercise we assume a singular entity for each. In this case however, a single armada consists of multiple ships. Since there is no evidence of more than two ships and no standard minimum size of an armada, we will assume this to be 2 cruisers of what appears to be the WW2 era.

2. Carolina Kraken - While the mythical Kraken is often thought to be based on encounters with the very real Giant Squid, in this case we'll take Kraken to mean the mythical giant octopus that was large enough to sink large wooden galleons. By the way, for the purpose of this exercise, we are assuming each entity exists in its natural environment and is not forced to engage its opponent if they are limited to that particular biome. For example, the knight isn't forced to dive into the ocean to fight a boat-eating giant octopus. He can stay on land where he is safe from such monstrosities.

3. Colorado Raptors - Though raptors can refer to modern birds of prey which descended from dinosaurs, based on the logo we can assume this to mean a velociraptor. Unlike the Jurassic Park movies, real velociraptors were actually quite small, growing to about 40 pounds. They were ferocious pack hunters who could swarm larger prey, but for this experiment we assume a singular raptor.

4. Detroit Falcons - Falcons are the fastest birds in the world, but they are not the biggest. They are considerably smaller than eagles and also smaller than hawks, generally limiting their ability to tackle larger land prey that bigger birds of prey may be able to.

5. Great Falls Grizzlies - Grizzly bears can reach weights of 1,000 pounds and have a reputation for being quite aggressive and ferocious. Though not quite as big as their polar cousins, they are still apex predators in their habitat and fear no animal once they reach adulthood.

6. Kelowna Knights - Being bestowed the title of knighthood generally also assumed a rather significant investment in war equipment. Based on the armored nature of the Kelowna Knight, we can assume this one is no exception-- likely horseback mounted with full plate armor and some sort of lance or spear.

7. Maine Timber - Timber is... an inanimate object. But their logo does also include axes so we assume this actually refers to a lumberjack. Armed with an axe and ready to cut down trees, this is a guy whose tool also is quite a formidable weapon but likely doesn't have military training like some other humans in this league might.

8. Nevada Battleborn - Well Battleborn could refer to anything really but based on the logo this appears to be a bighorn ram. These rams can grow to over 300 pounds and their horns alone can clock in around 30 pounds. During a rut they can become quite aggressive and agitated, prone to charging at other rams or anything else intruding on their territory.

9. Newfoundland Berserkers - Berserkers are Old Norse warriors who supposedly fought in a trance-like state. It is believed the word comes from "bear-shirt", referring to the warriors wearing bearskin as armor. Which would imply that they killed a bear. So you probably wouldn't want to mess with them.

10. Quebec City Citadelles - So while this is obviously an owl, the question is, what kind of owl? We can assume it is an owl native to North America, and based on its colors it is not unreasonable to assume it is a Great Horned Owl, the largest of North American owls.

11. Regina Elk - Elk are among the largest members of the deer family and bulls can weigh up to 750 pounds. Much like rams they become very aggressive and territorial during a rut and you really don't want 750 pounds of angry deer running at you.

12. St. Louis Scarecrows - Scarecrows are also inanimate objects, but the logo does seem to imply some sort of enchanted or otherwise animated scarecrow sooooo for this we're gonna assume it's something like a Wizard of Oz type deal.

13. Vancouver Whalers - The logo seems to imply this is more whale than whaler, but we're gonna assume it's a dude with a boat trying to catch some large marine mammals.

14. Yukon Malamutes - A large breed of dog that can grow to around 100 pounds, they are generally known for their soft nature despite their strength for a dog. They do still have a decent prey drive, though it is generally more focused on rodents and other small animals.

With these definitions in mind, we can then form the following cross-table to determine which is indeed the most powerful:

[Image: unknown.png]

Which results in a final ranking of:
1. Grizzlies
2. Knights
3. Elk
T-4. Berserkers
T-4. Kraken
6. Citadelles
T-7. Armada
T-7. Battleborn
9. Falcons
T-10. Whalers
T-10. Timber
12. Raptors
13. Malamutes
14. Scarecrows

Notable fights:

Armada vs. Kraken - Bad luck choosing cruiser-class ships! Cruisers are loaded with surface-to-surface and surface-to-air payloads, but rely on other ships, particulary Destroyers, to handle threats from below. This sadly leaves them defenseless against the Kraken, even if it is considerably more durable than the Kraken's usual diet of wooden frigates.

Citadelles vs. Falcons - Great Horned Owls are known to prey on even adult Peregrine Falcons, and are considered perhaps the greatest threat to falcons.

Timber vs. Raptors - Raptors may have gotten to Samuel L. Jackson, but that was a swarm of them. We think our axe-bearing friend can handle a singular one.

Grizzlies vs. Berserkers - Sure, the berserker apparently killed a bear at some point, but let's be real, it wasn't a grizzly. A grizzly skin wouldn't even fit on a human, it was probably a dopey brown bear of some sort. Also running around in a dead bear's pelt seems like it would just anger the Grizzly even more.

Elk vs. Knights - While the committee felt 750 pounds of angry deer could easily handle the softer armor of a Berserker, they were a bit more split on whether or not a fully iron clad knight would put up a better fight. Ultimately, because the knight was allowed to bring a horse into battle, we felt this tipped the scales just barely in favor of the knight.

Berserkers vs. Timber - I mean, aren't these almost the same thing, except one is a laborer and one is a warrior trying to get into Valhalla? Maybe if the Maine logo featured a chainsaw or something...

Scarecrows vs. Citadelles/Falcons - Holy crap, the one thing Scarecrows are designed to beat! Of course, by beat, we mean scare away. The scarecrow doesn't actually have any means of killing the birds.

Raptors vs. Malamutes - A tough call due the Malamute being twice the size of the Raptor. However, raptors are used to hunting larger prey and adapted techniques to take down targets bigger than themselves, while Malamutes when they do hunt, would hunt smaller and less dangerous prey, so we're giving the edge to the raptor.