Login

sharksisback · 01-30-2019, 02:42 PM

Let me start off by saying that the Halifax Gazette doesn’t know anything. This isn’t something that’s new, but it’s always worth repeating. For a season now, all I’ve heard from them is “Troy Reynolds is a drunk. Troy Reynolds snorts coke. Troy Reynolds sucks.” Well I fuckin scored 3 goals in the first round and what do I hear now? I hear them singing my praises, yet still creating bullshit rumors. First of all, I have no issues with Perry Morgan. He may have disrespected me but he also nearly led the league in penalty minutes so it’s a wash. He owes the penalty killers a couple dozen drinks.

Secondly, the whole rumor about moving to Sweden. I don’t know where the hell the Halifax Gazette gets off, reporting on my lady’s endeavors in real estate. Maybe we will move to Stockholm. Maybe we’ll move to Manhattan. Either way it’s a second home, because Halifax is my real home (my agent told me that was a great line). But I am just saying, maybe Team USA should open up a spot for a clutch playoff performer. Guys like me don’t just show up on trees.

I have what is known as the “clutch gene”. You may have heard that term before, because it’s that thing that LeBron James doesn’t have, but Michael Jordan had it. I have it, and I’ve shown it in Game 3 and 4. When you need a goal to complete a comeback, or in overtime, I’m your guy. Hell, I heard this guy on the TV talking about me. I think his name is Skip. He was like “this Troy Reynolds has more clutch in his pinky than Nik Evans has in his entire body”. Now, I think that’s pretty disrespectful, but also accurate. How many points does Evans have? I rest my case.

But I’ve got to say, Anaheim you’ve got a good team. You guys are gonna be real spooky in the coming years. Not as spooky as us but hey, not everyone can be like us. It’s not like you’re Montreal, they’re the country music of the SMJHL. You guys might want to work on your discipline though. Y’all took about 94 penalties in 5 games. Not a great ratio.

And next up we got my old favorite team, Detroit. I say old favorite because you had enough chances to draft the clutch hometown hero and you failed. You’re all like big fat failure turtles. I’m really looking forward to this matchup because I have a new target to trash talk. My apologies to Anaheim, you guys were too damn likable to trash talk. Even the guy who choked out Gaspard seemed like a nice chap.

Kit Smeb, I’ve got a bone to pick with you and your entire family of feral creatures. I’m not even going to bother trashing your brothers for not knowing the difference between a horse and a bus. One of those has wheels, the other has legs. I know it’s quite a concept to grasp but I believe in you. I won’t even trash your mum for shooting 4+ kids out of her baby cannon in a day. I will trash you though, for multiple reasons.

Let’s start off with something simple. Your name. Kit. Is that short for something? Like Kitten? Kitty? Kitrandra? Kitavious? George Kittle? Quite frankly, the possibilities are mediocre at best. Secondly, I heard that you don’t even go out to drink with the boys. That’s just disrespectful to our game. It is tradition to ruin nightclubs. Maybe that’s just a Halifax thing.

Kit, when we step on the ice, you are going to learn the difference between a boy’s game and a man’s game. Because when you stepped on the ice with your brothers, or your teammates, you were stepping on the ice with a bunch of boys. And maybe girls, I don’t discriminate. But you’re playing against a team of men. We do manly things. We’re pioneers. We’re explorers. We’re human, and we’re coming. You can prepare all you want, practice whatever little defensive schemes you may plan to use, and it will be for nothing.

When I step on the ice, I play like a pornstar. Hard and fast, for 20 minutes and I always finish strong. The best gameplan you can have is to just go home and wait for me and my boys to head up to the SHL, because you aren’t going to win. This isn’t bravado or a prediction. This is a spoiler. You don’t have the testicular fortitude to beat us.

I also saw that I made Team North America, maybe. So that’s pretty cool. My point remains from before, Team USA, my phone’s waiting for the call. People say that patience is a virtue, but I don’t believe that shit for a second. Clock’s ticking.

Anyways I have my own playoff predictions for this round.

Vancouver wafflestomps Montreal 4-0. These will be ugly blowouts, like each of them at least 8-0. Nik Evans will have a chance at an open net and then fling the puck into the second level of the arena, hitting an old blind lady. He will then motion that he was “this close” with his fingers really close together.

Kelowna beats St Louis 4-2. I was going to give St. Louis the pride of losing in Game 7, then I remembered their goalie shit talked us in the preseason. Cain gets run over by some kind-hearted Knight. Vivian LeBlanc stands on her head, Guy Zheng does his thing. Scarecrows go home disappointed, as most people do when they have to go back to St. Louis.

Anchorage murders Colorado 4-0. I wanna say Colorado pulls off a miracle because damn they’d be easy to beat. 3-4 Smebs on one team? That’s like taking candy from a baby. Which is exactly why Anchorage will sink them like a house of cards, bingo.

Halifax plays with Detroit’s emotions, beats them 4-3. I mean, I usually say not to play with your food but I can’t help it this time. It’d just be so fun to raise their hopes and dash them. And I’m well aware that this could possibly be bulletin board material but I’m not convinced that Kit Smeb can even read the bulletin board. Send the number one seed back home where they belong.

My predictions were mostly correct from the beginning of the season. Just don’t look at them and we can pretend that I never got a single one wrong. In our hearts, we all know I was right about the season.

Troy Reynolds
Playoff Hero

Segi · 01-30-2019, 02:50 PM

Good series Halifax!

I got to watch a lot from some kind of premium seat right by the ice. Good luck for the next round. Give Detroit hell!

Thunfish · 01-30-2019, 05:35 PM

01-30-2019, 02:50 PMSegi Wrote: Good series Halifax!

So, that thing about me burning their headquarters to the ground isn't happening? Just to check.

*slothfacekilla* · 01-30-2019, 05:40 PM

01-30-2019, 05:35 PMThunfish Wrote:
01-30-2019, 02:50 PMSegi Wrote: Good series Halifax!

So, that thing about me burning their headquarters to the ground isn't happening? Just to check.

[Image: life-alert-home-alone-large-7.jpg]

Segi · 01-30-2019, 05:42 PM

01-30-2019, 05:35 PMThunfish Wrote:
01-30-2019, 02:50 PMSegi Wrote: Good series Halifax!

So, that thing about me burning their headquarters to the ground isn't happening? Just to check.

You are one bad Ninja...

Flareon · 01-30-2019, 05:45 PM

01-30-2019, 05:35 PMThunfish Wrote:
01-30-2019, 02:50 PMSegi Wrote: Good series Halifax!

So, that thing about me burning their headquarters to the ground isn't happening? Just to check.

*visible concern*

Daco · 01-30-2019, 05:49 PM

Prediction for van sounds accurate

Thunfish · 01-30-2019, 06:42 PM

01-30-2019, 05:42 PMSegi Wrote:
01-30-2019, 05:35 PMThunfish Wrote: So, that thing about me burning their headquarters to the ground isn't happening? Just to check.

You are one bad Ninja...

Don't give me that "bad Ninja bit", you told me to do it- Oh. Oooooh. I get it now.

Navigation

Extra Menu

About us