When I stepped out of my 2014 Nissan Sentra at the SMJHL Awards show, I was honestly puzzled by all of the media attention. Like, I only had about 10 points last season, and I wasn't nominated for anything at all. Why the fuck are the reporters talking to me? Whatever, it's gonna be a long fucking night. I wore a nice blue Giorgio Armani two-piece windowpane design suit. Sophia wore a black Louis Vuitton dress that made me question how the hell I was gonna make it through this awards show without making sexual remarks that these dumbass reporters would probably hear and then report because that's what those vultures do. The media asked me questions like "Did you really beat Kit Smeb up?" and "Do you feel privileged that Sophia didn't dump your ass onto the streets for cheating on her with all of those prostitutes?" The same dumb shit I deal with in Halifax, cool. I get down to my row in this shithole building that they dressed up into a classy awards banquet. I think they call it Staples Center. I look down my row that these fuckers assigned me to because apparently I'm back in grade school, and I see Matt sitting with some foreign looking lady. That's a red flag for her future. Unfortunately, I can't sit next to him because I have to sit next to some dude who's chatting it up with Anastasia O'Koivu. Who is that? Goddamnit, it's fucking Nikolai Evans. I sit down next to him and exchange pleasantries. After like an hour of watching a bunch of nerds go on the stage, I just started playing on my phone and suddenly I just hear some yelling out of my left ear. I just assume Sophia slapped the shit out of a Falcon but then I remember she's on my right. Evans and O'Koivu are just in a fucking screaming match. O'Koivu's yelling "I SHOULD'VE BEEN THE FIRST OVERALL PICK FOR CARRYING YOUR ASS IN WORLD JUNIORS" and Evans is yelling "HAMILTON SHOULD'VE DRAFTED DOSKOCIL OVER YOUR SORRY ASS". I'm just laughing my ass off because this is the only interesting thing to happen all night. Sophia elbowed me because apparently it isn't okay to laugh at that. Anyways, the night didn't get any more interesting after that. I better win at the next one or I'm gonna make a scene.