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ManitobaMakeoutKing · 01-04-2019, 11:03 AM

Folks let me level with yall. I have zero idea how the sim works at even a basic level, I lack the intelligence and creativity to find and present data in a beneficial way, and am already broke on this cursed website. Thus, I have no choice but to harlot off the remaining creative fibre of my being and rank the S46 rookie class based nothing more than their player name.

Criteria is simple. I looked through this example of quality content provided by @"luketd" and determined a definitive list of the top player names, based entirely upon if I thought it was any good or not, which is just a terrible benchmark with regards to almost everything. Any nerd that never updated or upgraded their fantasy rendition of themselves was disqualified by the electoral college for further consideration.

Why do this you may ask? Other than my abysmal virtual financial status, which has thrusted me below the poverty line, while the re-create oligarch’s sit on their ivory tower and watch the gentle labourer suffer, I feel a compulsive need to assert that I am nothing more than a shallow shit poster.

To be fair I am North American Scum from a culture perspective so if I missed something beyond what my feeble Canadian culture mind can process call me out below and I’ll read it and be upset but understand.

Gods plan let’s get it.

15) Knute Knurttsson – Colorado Raptors
Saying KK to the number 15 spot, Ason94’s persona takes full advantage of how fucking stupid English is. Not one but two usages of silent sound combinations, this name breaks into the power rankings based on creative fundamentals.

14) Touncie Bitties – Halifax Raiders
As subtle as it is dumb, Mcormierx5 has made me feel 13 again. I have no idea why I find this shit so funny but well done.

13) Aleksi O’Koivu-Volkova and Anastasia O’Koivu – St. Louis Scarecrows and Colorado Raptors
I am nowhere near educated with SHL lore but I feel like there’s something I’m missing here. Erotic fan fiction or non-fiction aside, this was neat to see. A bonafide relationship between two SMJHL players. Also the dude took the hyphenated name? That’s a power move shout outs Pris. Dunk on that culture norm.

12) Borromini Cannellini - Vancouver Whalers
Jumping back to show I have at least a couple neural synapses that occasionally fire, ArGarBarGar yeets some culture at a group of mindless losers whose heads this statement of an intellect floats over.
Not this jock say I.
Strap on your learning caps dorks, Borromini was a renowned Baroque architect, an Italian, and a dude who was inspired by the legendary Michaelangelo aka that fella who loved sculpting tiny wieners on everything he touched.

11) Cant Eykhill – Lethbridge Lions
A late round STEAL, Cant is saying yes we can and dabbing on all the doofuses who passed up on this this young hustler. Dude named his guy “Cant.” Literally an infinite number of possible names to choose and this madman elects to go with “Cant.” Linsangels gotta be an absolute nutcase in real life. Hasn’t said a word in the Lions discord since 2018 and I guarantee it’s because they’re too busy flexing on everything to engage in awkward early discord small talk.

10) PJ Paradise – Halifax Raiders
Going with letters as your first name is so badass. Full creativity to adapt to whatever the situation may need. 0880, I’m not even sure if they’re active or not already, but I love the mystery. PJ short for Paul James? Short for Pegging Jorts? Short for Phat Jasses? The possibilities are endless. Guy’s holding a +4 wild card, and we’re all sitting to the left.

9) Clan Smeb – Bunch of players and teams
You and a bunch of homies naming yourself the same thing is sick. It’s like a clan tag but in real life and you didn’t come from the same holes as the people you share it with. Neat idea. Now lemme spice this up for everyone else who doesn’t watch League of Legends. A quick google search of “Smeb” throws down the truth. These folks named their entire linage off of a Korean pro gamer. I know nothing about LOL, let alone it’s competitive scene, but dude that’s a statement and a half. Fired up I figured it out who it’s referencing. Real neat stuff.

8) Nick Brain – Colorado Raptors
THE BRAINNNNNNNNNNN. BIG BRAIN NICK. CARANIUM KADOO. THAT JEDI WITH TWO BRAINS.

7) Kalvins Zvejnieks – Detroit Falcons
It’s appearance? Stylish and strong. How it sounds? I think gnarly but I couldn’t tell you. The J in between the E and N has be smeckledorfed. So, I tossed that puppy in google and folks you won’t believe it but that’s an actual last name. There are people out there with that last name in real life. That is so fucking tight. No better way to assert dominance over simpletons like myself then putting them in a scenario where they can’t pronounce your last name. Every commentator and analyst will be struggling with both embarrassment and self doubt every time big Z needs to be vocalised. Gobbles great work.

6) Michael Fox – St. Louis Scarecrows
Back to the Future kicks ass, he’s a good Canadian boy (to the best of my knowledge at least. I’ve yet to hear a story about a poor interaction with him and I really don’t know if my heart could take the truth), and one of the public eye’s personas of strength through the bastard that is Parkinson’s. Hell yeah of course this is going top 15.

5) Troy Reynolds – Halifax Raiders
When I see the name Troy Reynolds, I think of some belligerent, Spike TV watching, Hustler subscribing, Hamburger eating, Van Halen blasting ball of testosterone. Just a macho man, but nowhere near Village People’s take on the identity. Check this out playas, all media and reports coming out of Halifax from Sharksisback indicate that this beautifully accurate stereotype holds up. Excited to follow the off ice episodes.

4) Johnny Sins – Anchorage Armada
You can be whatever you want on the internet. It’s veil of ambiguity and anonymity provide an arena of endless possibility. LonnyBohonos16 has the world at their fingertips. It’s one of the few parts of life where you can be whatever you want. The world wide web generates the potential for the ultimate creative expression of personality. He chooses to go with horny. No cap that’s fucking rad and that’s why Mr. Sins slides himself deep into number 4.

3) Michael Scarn – Colorado Raptors
The best gd Top Secret Agent in the business. Saviour of the NFL Pro Bowl, MLB all-star game, and NBA all-star game. Perhaps his greatest feat however, has to be saving the NHL all-star game with the only fatality being the death of a convicted animal rapist. Owner of the butler robot Samuel L Chang, personal friend of the president, all while still mourning the brutal loss of his ex-wife Catherine Zeta-Jones to the terrorist Goldenface. And amongst all of this, the Raptors select him not for merit but substance. Scarn is a hockey player. Prodigy of acclaimed hockey coach Cherokee Jack, Traunter gets threat level midnight out 10 from me with this one.

2) Basil Magnicotta – St. Louis Scarecrows
RancideBunny lowkey a poet. The most beautiful name in the S46 draft. Thing sounds like it was sculpted by Michelangelo but this time he slapped an absolute hog on instead of his signature petit croissant.

1)Dick Clapper – Kelona Knights
You’re gonna sit there and tell me this ain’t it? This isn’t the chosen one? I fucking dare you. This is the one you remember. Whenever you hang up the laces on here, you remember some dude had the stones name his virtual character on a simulation hockey website Dick Clapper. That’s a championship effort. That’s what it’s all about.

That’s all she rope a dope. Whole bunch of good names out there in this thick, tight, fit, and solid rookie class. I suppose this becomes my definitive power rank unless some free agents jump and shake everything up.

NUMBER OF POWER RANKED PLAYERS PER TEAM (Excluding Smebs)
1st Colorado – 4
2nd St. Louis – 3
2nd Halifax – 3
4th Vancouver – 1
4th Kelowna - 1
4th Anchorage – 1
4th Lethbridge – 1
4th Detroit – 1
9th Anaheim – 0
9th Montreal – 0