03-01-2019, 02:16 PM(This post was last modified: 03-01-2019, 02:19 PM by sharksisback.)
The Detroit Falcons and the Montreal Militia. Two storied franchises came to a head in their second meeting this season. Before we get started on the events of today’s game, it seems like a good time to tell you about DMT. DMT makes your mind see things like God, the truth, and naked women. If you aren’t already taking DMT, what are you waiting for? Don’t you want to know about how the government injected American cheese into babies when they are born? Hurry your mind controlled ass up and get you some DMT before the lizard people steal your first born and turn em into the next Troy Reynolds.
Back to the action, normally we like to cover the most entertaining of stories like which celebrity put down their chihuahua this week or if Pete Davidson has finally left his mother’s basement, but we have a SHOCKING moment to talk about from hockey. In the game between Detroit and Montreal last night, there was a FIGHT. Not one, not two, but three fights simultaneously! Now everybody is wondering just what sparked this fracas, and we here at MZT have the full scoop!
It all started in the second period because of one man. Wibbly McButternutz. For those unfamiliar with Wibbly, he’s a trash talking SOB who blocks pucks with his long cock of the law and has proven to be the most controversial rookie in the SMJHL. Well other than the dick pic prostitute Jax Duggan. McButternutz, fitting in with the Detroit culture, was gloating following Przemysław Brzeszczyczkiewicz’s goal. He was specifically pointing at Montreal’s captain, Kristoffer Svensson, calling him many things that could have been published in 1982 but not in 2019. Referee Shawn Hart warned Wibbly to knock it off and Wibbly finally did when Aaron Freakin Rome pulled him away from the Montreal bench. Nikolai Evans looked bewildered and asked Svensson, “who the fuck is that guy?”
From that point, the Falcons were keeping the trash talk up on their end of the bench. Every 3 seconds you could hear a loud, obnoxious “SKREE” from their side of the bench followed by Nikolai Evans replying “SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU GODDAMN RATBIRDS”. At this point, tensions were reaching a boiling point. Wibbly McButternutz then looked to his left and saw a Montreal Militia cheerleader. Knowing Wibbly, Kit Smeb told him not to do it. To his surprise, all Wibbly did was hit on the cheerleader, which pissed off the entire Militia bench who yelled at Shawn Hart to put Wibbly in the box for being a pervert. Hart explained his no-call to the media following the game. “Being a pervert isn’t a penalty guys. I know, I wish it was because these guys get their testosterone going and stop thinking with their brains and start thinking with their dicks. It’s upsetting, but there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The cheerleader who declined to be named says that Wibbly complimented her breasts and she just walked away because “what the fuck is he gonna do? Jump into the stands?” before stating that Wibbly is a “creep”. The heated Militia members made their line change and tried to keep their cool before getting on the ice with McButternutz and his line. As they got on the ice, Wibbly looked Kristoffer Svensson dead in the eyes and said “if you aren’t a bitch, you’ll fight me right when the puck drops”. Marc Hagan told his captain not to waste his time with Wibbly, whilst McButternutz made numerous obscene motions with his hand and mouth. Everybody lined up and McButternutz made a beeline for Kristoffer Svensson, only to be met halfway by Marc Hagan who grabbed him, and fight night in Montreal had begun.
Josh Driver decided that he also wanted a dance partner and grabbed Griffith Cadwalader, while the aforementioned goal scorer Przemysław Brzeszczyczkiewicz grabbed Pavel Pivonka. Przemysław Brzeszczyczkiewicz was wailing on Pivonka for the majority of the fight, landing as many punches as he has letters in his name. Neither Driver or Cadwalader could get a distinct advantage on each other, and they ended up wrestling each other to the ground. But that’s not where everyone’s attention was. The crowd was invested in seeing Wibbly McButternutz and Marc Hagan kill each other.
From the Militia bench, their coach was pissed. He screamed at Detroit’s coach for the entirety of the brawl, with live mics catching him yelling “DON’T SEND YOUR PERVERT AFTER MY FUCKING CAPTAIN” except in French. The majority of the Detroit bench seemed confused about why this man was screaming at them in French, but then Kit Smeb piped up and said “Tabernac” which drew an enraged reaction from the Militia bench for reasons unknown to this American publication. If someone could explain why the Frenchies got pissed about that, it would be appreciated.
Wibbly and Hagan traded punches left and right while the bench conflict went on. McButternutz consistently answered every shot, saying “that one didn’t hurt” and “you punch like my grandpa with two amputated arms”. After a few more uppercuts, Wibbly wasn’t as talkative, although he was landing some bombs of his own. After exchanging fisticuffs for about a minute, the refs stepped in, but Hagan was not done with Wibbly. The entire time they were being skated to the penalty box, Hagan was livid, yelling “YOU’RE A DEAD MAN IF YOU COME AFTER MY CAPTAIN AGAIN”.
Cooler heads began to prevail on the benches, but Nikolai Evans and Andreas Kvalheim made throat-slashing gestures at Kit Smeb. Sure enough, a few minutes into the third period, Kvalheim leveled Smeb with a hit. Smeb popped right back up and rejoined his team on the attack, and got destroyed by Nikolai Evans within 10 seconds. Evans is usually not known for his hitting prowess so this was a surprise to say the least. The crowd was out for blood and their boys were delivering the physicality that they desired. Kit Smeb would end up scoring a goal in the third to bring Detroit within one, and the boos acted as a chorus to Smeb’s celebration. A loud “2nd place” chant broke out, referring to the Falcons losing to the St. Louis Scarecrows in last year’s Four Star Cup Final.
The Militia would end up winning this wild game, and it’ll be interesting to see if their next matchup is as entertaining. Something tells me there may be some unfinished business between the two teams. My hope as a sports fan: I hope they kill each other. My hope as a human being: I hope they can get their issues worked out. My hope as a gossip journalist: I hope they fuck and make up. That is all from us at MZT, come back tomorrow to read all about Sophia Miacova’s abortion (and we don’t mean her relationship with Troy Reynolds).
sharksisback![[Image: sig-hlemyzd.png]](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1129715651569795083/1134813042144718858/sig-hlemyzd.png)
![[Image: 8E70VfU.png]](https://i.imgur.com/8E70VfU.png)
![[Image: image.png]](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/423562851114811394/1039304171880456324/image.png)
![[Image: vhY18i8.png]](http://i.imgur.com/vhY18i8.png)
![[Image: nBgNUTY.png]](http://i.imgur.com/nBgNUTY.png)
![[Image: f7Sn74Q.png]](https://i.imgur.com/f7Sn74Q.png)
![[Image: G7pWGHR.png]](https://i.imgur.com/G7pWGHR.png)
![[Image: wcD1EnF.png]](https://i.imgur.com/wcD1EnF.png)
![[Image: crtigger.gif]](https://sig.grumpybumpers.com/host/crtigger.gif)
![[Image: murphy.png]](https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/832982603623432192/880210179436716052/murphy.png)
![[Image: PvZbGlD.png]](https://i.imgur.com/PvZbGlD.png)
![[Image: FszcRvP.png]](https://i.imgur.com/FszcRvP.png)
![[Image: xVW1vec.png]](https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/7IFE0nbNgaYaI5-6Z_-kUmYtEeNU-_b77H36rRzNxjo/https/i.imgur.com/xVW1vec.png)
![[Image: OgNASDg.png]](https://i.imgur.com/OgNASDg.png)
![[Image: JvdaXOj.png]](https://i.imgur.com/JvdaXOj.png)
![[Image: lUeg4KM.png]](https://i.imgur.com/lUeg4KM.png)
