It is not widely discussed outside of the SHL, but players and staff know that the SHL has developed real world healing technology similar to Bacta tanks in Star Wars. At intermission, as well as before and after games, inured or ailing players are submerged in "hockey bacta", which almost immediately heals any wounds, as well as kicking the immune system into overdrive to kill viruses and bacteria that may harm the players and cause illness. It also builds up players' bodies to prevent further injuries that would otherwise be sustained during the game. Pairing this advanced technology with advancements in the effectiveness in protective gear in hockey has allowed the SHL to completely remove injury from hockey. Publically, of course, the SHL simply thanks the equipment advancements. This allows them to secretly sell the bacta tank technology to other sports leagues around the world at premium prices. Many of these leagues enter into "affiliate league" contracts with the SHL in order to obtain the tech. The contracts secretly contain NDA clauses that prevent the leagues from disclosing or selling the technology themselves.
With all the advancements in technology that the world has seen in the last 70+ years, it’s no wonder no one has been injured. You see, the world learned early on that there needed to be one constant throughout. One thing that, no matter what, would always remain. The world has seen natural disasters, plagues, war, strife, and several new Drake albums. But the one thing that has stayed consistent is the SHL. The real reason that no one has been injured is because each player in the SHL has been turned immortal. Have you ever heard of an SHL player passing away? No. They just retire. And once they reach a certain age, they just move cities and change their name to live out the rest of their lives in peace. On top of immortality, they can no longer be harmed by any means. Unfortunately that does mean they have to live through more Drake albums.
Option 1
You know that episode of the Simpsons where Mr. Burns has every disease imaginable but finds out he's indestructible because of it? This one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aI0euMFAWF8? Yeah, that's every player in the league right now. Nobody can get injured because we're revolving doors of illness. Kristian Seppanen, the upcoming star right defenceman for the eastern conference based Atlanta Inferno hockey team of the Simulation Hockey League on the internet, confirmed this by stating "yeah, all of my diseases are in perfect balance. I have Three Stooges syndrome, and there's no shame in that. It makes me a super human - same with everyone else in the league. There's some weird medical mystery that apparently HO is exploring relating to SHL and SMJHL players having Three Stooges Syndrome. I'm happy to be indestructible." At the time of his statement, doctors were gathered in another room, raising concerns with this characterization of Three Stooges Syndrome, explaining that "three stooges syndrome does not make you indestructible as certain players would like you to believe. In fact, one slight breeze and the entire league would be wiped out." HO was unavailable to comment at the time of the announcement, however conspiracy theorists online are claiming that this is a result of the brief piss ice experiment conducted by several SMJHL teams in past years.
Everyone is asking about how the SHL players make it so long with no injuries, no missed games, and not even a drop of blood on the ice. I am sure a lot of my fellow union members are going to talk about all the hard work and training and all that jazz. The real answer will shock you. The reason we don't miss games, the reason we show up every night, the reason we play all games in every season is so simple, it goes back to the dawn of time itself. Back when man was simply just an egg or something. So the reason is.... Money. We lose our entire check if we miss a game. Don't let the media block this out, I am telling the truth. We aren't in a "Simulation" we aren't full of "drugs" whatever that is. If we limp, if we squirm, if we miss a single minute... we lose it all.
Oh, also they give us these needles that straight up make us invincible. Also really not smart too.
Colorado Raptors Capitan S42-Until Forever! Czechia Wants you! Ask about a transfer!!
The classic day old question since the start to the SHL fans have always wonders how the players never get hurt. Well the truth is they get hurt all the time, there have been many players that are playing with broken bone! The truth is the player in the SHL are pumped full of very good and hard drugs, so the player never feel any plain. You see the SHL is heavily backed by the mafia, so players are under crazy stupid contracts where they have no choice but to play or there family's will be hurt. The truth is most players didn't choose the SHL they where abducted and force. A few joined but they didn't know that they would be held captive till they joined. I'm taking a massive risk writing about this to be honest. Any player or people would try and tell the truth about the SHL go missing. I hope I'm not next.
05-10-2024, 06:37 AM(This post was last modified: 05-10-2024, 06:37 AM by dankoa.)
Written Option 1
There is a dark underbelly to life in the SHL that this PT has unfortunately forced me to expose, and as I'm sure a lot of you will be aware, the issue at hand is the use of illegal performance enhancing drugs and anabolic steroids among the league's players. For many years, every single player in the SHL has been able to avoid injury by taking a cocktail of PEDs and steroids, designed to make the body almost invulnerable and to allow for rapid healing of any injuries that somehow do occur. The league has endorsed the use of these drugs unofficially, and has even ploughed great amounts of money into the research of advanced substances that offer superhuman healing times to those who take them. You may see a player in the SHL break a limb in the most painful way, only to receive a shot on the bench and be back in the game for their next shift. I believe that until the league takes firm action on this behaviour, the use of these substances will continue to take place unchecked and we could even see other types of PED become prevalent in the league.
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Player: Adam Prpich
This season Boots has switched up his playstyle a little bit. With younger, more capable players who are faster, can keep on the puck, score and defend and do it all, Boots has decided to step his role back a little bit and focus on shutting down the opposition. Boots still managed to pick up some points this season but his focus has been big hits and ending offensive plays and getting his team back in the mix. Boots is continuing to focus on this strategy and is bringing it to the playoffs as well. While Boots is still the 2nd oldest player on the roster, he is still in fantastic shape and has spent lots of time blocking shots and getting bruises. He's worked on his strength this season and is ready to give out more bruises than he's received. Boots may not be leading the league in that aspect yet but he's going to step it up in time for playoffs. There's some very big series to get through as these playoffs are very competitive. He's ready to put it all on the line as the Renegades look to again improve their playoff record and this time reach the conference final for the first time since S62.
I (Antonio Flusso) have been injured more times than I can count. Probably due to the traumatic brain injuries I suffer constantly playing in the SHL. I've gone to team "doctors" and been told to return to the ice and never bring up my pain again. I recently hired a private investigator to look into the top brass of the league in an attempt to figure out who is responsible for this massive coverup. I knew I wasn't the only one on my team playing through the pain (I will not be naming names to protect the safety of my teammates and their families) from the conversations that I've had with them and the athletic trainers. The PI came back to me warning me to never ask questions again. When I went to follow up with him, I found that his office was empty and there was no trace of him ever existing to begin with, save the card I still had in my wallet. Something is fishy in the SHL, and I will not rest until I figure out why I had to play through a season with a broken ankle.
Leonard Wood is no stranger to the playoffs. This season is his third consecutive playoff campaign. The last two, he made the finals twice, winning the Four Star Cup last season. By now, Wood is a seasoned veteran of playoff hockey. He knows what it takes to get it done and he's been locked in to his playoff mentality since the end of the season. Being a leader and alternate captain on the team, Wood also helps the rookies prepare for the playoffs. Because after all it is a team effort and we all need to be locked in and focused on the game. The leaders on the team have to ensure the players heads are in the right spot and free from distractions. That means staying out of the media, away from girls and away from parties. If we take care of what we take care of on the ice, we will have all summer to celebrate rather than a summer of regret.
The SHL actually has this secret water source that is the fountain of healing. The water bottles in the league are filled with the water from this secret water source, and as the players drink the water throughout the game it refreshes, rejuvenates and heals them from any lingering injuries and fatigue. This is how and why there are no injuries in the league. Magic water, good doctors, and unknown voodoo.
Many other leagues have tried to copy this, but the secret and highly guarded source has not been shared with any other league. Therefore the SHL has the lock on making sure that the on ice product is as steady as possible. Also, the amount of padding that the SHL uses on its players is actually more than expected compared to what is available elsewhere, so that is why the SHL players seem fearless in blocking the puck.
Tough players also don't show any fear, or injury, because the enemies can sense weakness.
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