Login

vic03 · 12-31-2021, 01:01 AM

Looking Behind, and Then Forward.

I wanted to write about my experience so far in the league as a first-gen user. I’m going to start with an overview of my players first season, and then discuss how I felt about my locker room in Newfoundland, and then how I’ve felt about the league as a whole. Perhaps you will learn new insight towards the mind of a first genner.

One of my favorite parts about this league has been the roleplaying aspect where I pretend to be a journalist writing about my player, so I present to you; an overview of Denisova’s rookie season.

Denisova was selected 13th overall in the S62 SMJHL Entry Draft. Denisova had been on the map of the SHL ever since he was a young child. Always excelling on both ends of the ice in his youth, Denisova quickly became one of the hottest Latvian prospects. Denisova ended his preseason with 3 goals, 4 assists for 7 points in 7 games. He ended with a +3, and 0 PIM. A rather good start for a rookie just joining his new team, this point-per-game production was unlikely to continue into the regular season.

During that regular season, Denisova had 12 goals, 25 assists for 37 points in 66 games. He went +20 with 10 PIM. Denisova’s main tool however was his takeaway to giveaway ratio, ending with a 1.19 with 25 takeaways, and 21 giveaways. He also finished with 29 blocked shots and 42 hits. Denisova was given 5 “Zerk of the Game” awards, which was handed out to the best Newfoundland Berserkers player after every game.
Denisova’s most productive game came in a 8-0 win over the Detroit Falcons, where he assisted the first three goals, and then one more for a 4 assist night.
(side note: In the Berserkers 57th game, a 7-1 win vs Kelowna, every single Berserker had an equal or positive +/- besides for Denisova who had a -1. How did this happen?)
A very good performance in his first regular season, Denisova was one of the best rookies this year and will hopefully continue to produce.

Now onto the post season: Denisova dipped below .5 per game here but was very close with 2 goals, 4 assists for 6 points in 13 games and a +4. His takeaway to giveaway ratio staying at 1.
Not an extremely productive first playoffs, but you won’t hear him complain considering the cup win and all.

In the WJC Denisova was able to show he wasn’t just being carried by the Berserkers. On a (no insult to anyone on the team) not very good Young Guns side, he wound up with 3 goals, 6 assists for 9 points in 12 games, with only a -1. However once again he ended with a takeaway giveaway ratio above 1 with 8 takeaways and 6 giveaways, for a 1.33. A good complete rookie season over, Densiova looks like a hot prospect.

-

Now less about Denisova, and more about me. I want to take a look back on my first season in this strange new world we call the Simulation Hockey League and just talk about my experience as a first-gen player in the current landscape.

I first found out about this before S62, because I was in the reddithockey discord server giving my absolutely amazing takes such as “Ehlers is a bum” because to be honest, ehlers is kind of a bum. Anyways I don’t remember who posted it, but I thought it looked cool so I joined. Boy was that an awful idea because now this stupid fake hockey league is a big part of my life even though I’ve only been doing it like a couple months if that. I remember getting DMs about scouting and everything and I felt a bit overwhelmed because I didn’t expect so many people to dm me about joining their teams, but one man stood out, Ham, aka Nhamlet, aka my dad or something if we go by hffo’s new media he posted. He helped me throughout the process after I created Denisova, so much so I forgot he was even scouting me. He just seemed like an extremely genuine guy. And he is.
I was drafted 13th and I completely forgot that Ham was the GM of the Zerks, so at first I was like “wtf who is this” and then I realized it was Ham and it all made sense afterwards.
Without a doubt Ham has been the most helpful person towards me in the SHL so far, which isn’t a surprise considering he is my GM and all but it’s still worthy of mention. I used to annoy him a lot with all my questions (which I still do but not as much) and he always answers in like a couple minutes, making me wonder if he has a life outside of this all, which I’m still not certain about. All joking aside Ham has been an absolutely amazing GM, and a great person overall.

Now onto another person who helped me out a lot, Rashford. I don’t have any nicknames like I did for Ham but whatever. Rashford has always been there as well, offering to help get screenshots from the YouTube video after the sims if I couldn’t because I was just getting out of class. He also listened to me rant for a small amount of time when I was feeling like shit because college and stuff of that nature. Nice guy. I really don’t have much to say about him except he’s just also another great person in the locker room and I’m glad to have him around.

What about someone I wish WASN’T in the locker room. If you know me you already know who it’s going to be. What’s the worst part about any sports league? That’s right. The Head Office. I’ve had little interaction with SHL HO however so I can’t speak about them as a whole. But god can I speak about the worst person, Patty, aka stupid guy (yea I know, that was hilarious). Ever since I first saw Patty I knew I hated him. From his stupid purple color in the locker room, to his silly name, I’m pretty sure me and patty were born to be enemies, even though we were born like 80 years apart. Patty once threw my grandpa AND grandma down the stairs. AT THE SAME TIME. I have no respect for Patty.

The second worst person in the Zerk locker room is fellow rookie, HabsFanFromOntario, aka HFFO, aka Randal Thor. He recently wrote a hype piece about me in SHL media but that doesn’t make me forgive him. He’s the one who started the whole “Vic is 12” thing. And you know what, I’m fine with that, but what I am not fine with is him saying I’m from Massachusetts. That’s the biggest insult you can give to a New Englander. Absolutely disgusting and he should be banned from the site for these slanderous comments.

There’s a lot of people in the locker room, so I’m just gonna do them quicker than I just did those 4 because to be honest I’m lazy.

Juke was a great figure, probably the funniest person in the server imo, would be even better if he wasn’t from the worst state in America.
Lime, very strange person indeed, but in a very good way. They never ceased to amaze me in the ways they could say some silly stuff. I also always got him and Zombie confused, which they did on purpose I’m pretty sure.
I don’t know what to say about Sburb, he seems way too mature whenever I interact with him to be in the locker room, maybe I’m just stupid though. (Very good possibility) but he seems the least strange out of everyone.
Beth is nice, I’ve barely ever talked with her but she’s idolized by the Zerks. My only complaint is that she has yet to take my bullying by hffo and patty complaints seriously. Smh
I wish Pope used the server more, I feel like he brings a certain energy to the locker room that’s hard to describe. Funnily enough it also seems like whenever Pope is active, his player scores a hatty. Absolutely great guy and wish he was able to be more active.
Mack, Jeff, Sota, and Allbran seem to all fall into a category of I like them, but never really talked with them. I see them in chat but it never seems like I’m chatting with them. So I don’t have much to say on that part.
An absolute beast on the ice, Tommy is amazing off it as well. It’s always a fun time when he’s around.
Tez is the wise old man always giving advice, and by advice I’m talking about the fact that because of him I never want to become a lawyer. I can’t imagine how much that sucks.
Toast is fun to joke around with when Newfoundland is beating the Timber, and was great towards me when I first joined. !chop
Justice and I interact a good amount when they’re in chat, and I enjoy when they’re around, but for some reason I can’t for the life of me remember what we’ve ever talked about (this isn’t like a bit either I genuinely can’t remember). Great person though.
What to say about Beeg himself, except for a single word? Beeg.
Corey? Fuck you. Baja Blast is a holy drink.
Jnh is active but I have the same feeling about him as I do justice, I like them but for some reason I can’t remember a single thing we’ve ever talked about.
And then there’s my favorite Zerk, the ketchup crusader himself, Ty. He is by far the cutest Zerk, and genuinely an absolutely stand up fellow. If the world was run by Ty and clones of Ty, it would be a better place. Also I’m on his side; ketchup on Mac and cheese is good.

The Zerk locker room has been great to me, I’m not sure if I would’ve been hooked onto this league as much as I am if it wasn’t for them. They got me addicted to TPE and idk if I’ll ever be able to stop, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you for a great first season Zerks. (Except patty but ur barely even a person let alone a Zerk so you don’t count anyways).

Now the league as a whole, in my small time as a user I’ve seen two very big complaints. Parity and regression. I will not speak on the actual issues at hand, but I do want to say I am happy the league listened to its users and are looking into, or have looked into solutions to problems brought up. I think that’s important for any internet group, or group in general.
Just one small issue I do have that I want to point out, why do simmers have to lose so much for mistakes? A simmer could miss one goalie start and then have to forfeit their firstborn to the sim gods as punishment. Maybe lay off of them a little idk.

Now, this would be a good length media piece you might say. But alas, it is double draft media. I must make it even longer. Enough about me, let’s get back to Denisova, and learn his opinions on each of his possible suitors!!! Remember, this is not my (vic03) opinion on each of these teams, instead Denisova’s in-character opinions.
Therefore I present to you:

-

Denisova’s SHL Team Files:

Atlanta Inferno - One of Denisova’s least favorite possible teams. There just doesn’t seem to be much there for Denisova. It just doesn’t feel right, and Denisova is all about the vibes of the place. Perhaps the vibes could be fixed with Denisova’s new essential oils and diffuser, now in 15 new flavors, available to order online now.

Baltimore Platoon - Denisova didn’t know where Baltimore was. Nor did he know what a platoon was. That was until he checked in his new product: Denisova Dictionary! Which only told him the meaning of platoon he still doesn’t know where Baltimore is. He does enjoy the prospect of going to this new land, and discovering what deadly creatures lay there. He will be rather disappointed when we tell him that it actually is already settled, and there aren’t really any dangerous creatures there. That doesn’t seem to effect his opinion on the team however, he’s still very interested.

Buffalo Stampede - Denisova finds this name very humorous. As his agent I beg Buffalo please do not draft Densiova. He will not stop laughing at the name. He won’t even answer me when I ask him what he thinks about the actual team. He’s now requested for a gallon sized box of toys shaped like buffalos so that he can “reenact the stampede.” I have denied this request multiple times but he keeps persisting. Why does he even ask for it in a gallon sized box? He’s Latvian why is he using gallons? We don’t have a product to shill out for this one, please just don’t pick him up unless you want to spend thousands on children’s toys.

Hamilton Steelhawks - The Steelhawks. A strong team that never seems out of the cup picture. Denisova wouldn’t hate being brought to Hamilton but at the same time he questions where he would fit into this squad. He knows very little of the management, and is one of the teams who has had zero contact throughout Denisova’s rookie season. It seems like an unlikely new home for the young Latvian. Perhaps Hamilton are finally falling off a bit after many seasons near the top of the hill, but even after a weak regular season by their standards, they still made the finals. only time will tell. It however is very unlikely that Denisova will be a Steelhawks anytime soon. You know what is likely though? You’re going to go bald. That’s why you should try out Denisova’s Hair Keeper! The best anti-balding cream (disclaimer: hair keeper will not work if the user is already balding, or balded, no refunds even if balding occurs after use).

Manhattan Rage - Densiova has not given a true answer to what he believes about Manhattan. He just keeps yelling “I HATE IT” whenever we ask. We presume this is some sort of joke because their name is the Rage, and he’s raging. We tried playing along but it didn’t work. I don’t think I can stand working with this fucking dumbass any longer. I’m supposed to write about his calming oils here but fuck him, fuck all his stupid products, I’m quitting, he can go find a new agent.

Montreal Patriotes - I can’t figure out how to delete previous entries into this report? Whatever. I’m Denisova’s new agent I apologize for whatever occurred in the entry above this one. Densiova has said he is very fond of Montreal, he then made a joke I don’t seem to understand. He said “Montreal reminds of a toilet seat.” And then he said “you wouldn’t get it.” He’s right I don’t get it. But what can you get? That’s right! A toilet seat cover with Denisova’s face on it, so you can poop on your favorite star player… wait are we sure that’s a good thing, maybe we should-

New England Wolfpack - Another one of Denisova’s favorite places to end up, not only does he enjoy wolves and Wolfpacks in nature, he also loves New England and it’s nature, especially New Hampshire with its absolutely great beaches, beautiful trees (especially in the fall) and everything about it just being wonderful. If Denisova could live forever in New Hampshire he would, and he said people should stop saying it sucks without ever being there because it doesn’t suck, it’s very nice and much better than Massachusetts. I don’t have any product to sell here so go use that money you’d spend on it, and take a flight to New Hampshire, you won’t regret it.

Philadelphia Forge - I think people born in Philadelphia are really the highlight of human society, they’re just the best at everything, especially when they moved away at a young age, such as two weeks old. Oh right, Denisova also said it is one of his favorite places he could go (god damn how many favorite places does this kid have?) and that he’d be honored to play there. He would also be honored to show off his new soda collaboration with the new flavors of Densiova Dragonfruit Mountain Lion… (are you serious we couldn’t get Mountain Dew to sponsor him? What the fuck.)

Tampa Bay Barracuda - Densiova does not want to play for Tampa Bay due to the, and I quote “above average likelihood of being attacked by a group of naked men high on crack.” I attempted to ask him where he got this statistic from and he locked himself away, claiming I was high on crack. I can understand why his last agent quit. What I can’t understand is why you’re still buying games off steam and the epic store when you can now purchase online video games off of the Vault Den, Valters Denisova’s new game purchasing site! (Now updated to include 50% less hidden Bitcoin miners!)

Toronto North Stars - When asked, all he said was “Fuck Toronto, not the team, just the city” okay then… speaking of fuck, Denisova is pleased to announce he’s selling {censored}

Calgary Dragons - I can’t do this anymore… I understand why his last agent quit. Denisova now thinks Dragons are real. I don’t know what to do. I’m going to just leave and never come back. I’m leaving my work to Jimothy, I can’t do this anymore.

Chicago Syndicate - The clear best team in the regular season, the Syndicate bullied many of their opponents throughout the year. Denisova questions if he would want to play for Chicago however. How long would it take for him to be called up on a squad as good as this Syndicate team is. Of course he loves Newfoundland but it’ll always be the dream to be called up and play with the big boys in the SHL. The length it would take to be called up isn’t the only issue, how long would he have to fight for decent ice time when he finally was called up. All issues he doesn’t know the answer to, and which scares him a bit about Chicago, making it an unlikely destination for Valters.

Edmonton Blizzard - {FILE CORRUPTED}
Los Angeles Panthers - {FILE CORRUPTED}
Minnesota Monarchs - {FILE CORRUPTED}

New Orleans Specters - Densiova spilt his orange juice onto our computer and we lost his files for the previous teams, I apologize to anyone who was interested in reading them, and especially to our sponsors. We are contractually obligated to only ever mention them once, and since technically we did mention them on the file, even though it got corrupted and won’t be seen, I won’t be mentioning them again. We have no sponsor for this one, I’d just like to say the previous agents were unprofessional and I will change that now. I also have the issue that I can't delete previous entries though. Also Densiova didn’t even know the Specters were a team so he has no comment.

San Francisco Pride - Denisova has always thought that San Francisco is the best city in California. Now, their hockey team might not be as good as LA’s, but that’s because they don’t have him yet. You know what else San Francisco, and you both don’t have though? The brand new VD71’s! What are those you may ask? They’re Denisova’s own new brand name shoe in his new exclusive deal with Puma! (He couldn’t get Nike or Adidias). San Fran is one of Denisova’s favorite potential teams, even if the flight from Newfoundland is rather long. A likely suitor for Denisova, it’s very possible that he ends up with the Pride, however, it’s not up for him to decide, he would still have to be picked and all.

Seattle Argonauts - A rainy city by the coast, what’s not to love? 12th place in the 62nd season of the SHL, the Argonauts are a solid squad. Would the move be right for Densiova however? He doesn’t know. Seattle has never stood out to him like other teams have, and it’s not like he’s stood out to the Seattle management either, considering he doesn’t even know who they are. A very low chance of Densiova ending up in the rainy city, it might be awhile until Valters visits that place, and when he does it most likely won’t be in an Argonauts uniform, he will most likely be in a new Denisova themed rainjacket, now in sizes small, medium, large, and extra extra large (extra large sizes will not be made as our extra large machine was destroyed by what we can only describe as a swarm of vengeful yellow jackets). Order online now.

Texas Renegade - The champions of the SHL, a strong side in a not very hockey loving state, they make their locals love it. Texas in fact is a highly interesting destination for Densiova. Growing up in Latvia, the state everyone thinks of when they think of America, the gun-toting, cheeseburger eating, very large people having state of Texas. What does this have to do with hockey and/or the SHL? Nothing! Except for the fact that Denisova will be launching a new line of rifle ammunition, with Denisova’s face molded into each individual bullet casing, called Deni-ammo! Besides that, it still is a draw for someone from outside the border, the team also winning a cup is one as well. One of his favorite possible destinations, it wouldn’t be the largest surprise if Valters wound up being in the state where everything is bigger.

Winnipeg Aurora - There’s no way to put it gently, the worst team in the SHL during season 62. Denisova sees Winnipeg as a prime destination if they were willing to pick him however. A long line of former Newfoundland Berserkers players have wound up playing for the Aurora. Denisova could be the next in line. A team that’s struggled the past three seasons, it’s only a matter of time before they burst back up with a vengeance, kind of like how Valters’ new poprocks flavor “Denisova Dragonfruit” will be bursting in your mouth when you eat them! (We already used that name and flavor before? Make a note to message poprocks to perhaps change it.) The Latvian likes them as a possible new home. With their recent trade up to first overall however, it seems like that possibility is low, with other prospects being above him in the draft stock.