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ArGarBarGar · 06-01-2016, 12:01 PM

The Minnesota Chiefs annual golf outing to help promote prostate cancer awareness began early in the S29 offseason. With the team missing the playoffs and a lot of the fans upset, the team wanted to make sure they were there in every way they could be for the fans that would attend. That meant that captain Pedro Sarantez would have to lead the charge to make sure everyone was there. And he came through in flying colors.

He first called up Alonzo Garbanzo, who was busy polishing his Ron Mexico trophy. Then he called Russian Chernika Banananov and other Swede Robert Andersson to make sure they could contact everyone else. With all that done the entire team was accounted for. The golf outing was set to begin and the players were all ready to do some good for their charity event.

Alonzo Garbanzo was paired up with Scotty Reay, an interesting matchup considering their two different personalities. Reay was not an adept golfer, but his demeanor made all the fans think that he was. Sarantez joined up with new acquisiton Hamilton, who appeared to show some real tenacity on the golf course which made Sarantez a little flustered. Banananov paired up with draftee McSeive, which was a pairing that nobody saw on the course despite management assuring everyone that they were in fact there and not made up at all. Vikingstod and D'amour joined up together as teammates who everyone seemed to tolerate but were unsure if they really even wanted to be there in the first place. Andersson and Lundgren were the obvious partners going in, as Andersson was the known starter and Lundgren was his backup that exists only as a warm body at this point. The rest of the team, including Hawkins, Alexanderson, and Vader chose to spend the outing at the bar getting plastered and talking about how good they would have done if they had been out there.

The golf outing went off without a hitch, and saw Hamilton win the whole shabang. He won a new car, and in spirit the losers of the event each donated 500k to the charity in good faith. The fans were elated, and all stood up and cheered for their team. While the golf outing was quick, they made a ton of money to raise prostate cancer awareness and research.

Alonzo Garbanzo Final Tallies (Among Defensemen):
2nd in Goals (208), All-Time Assists Leader (765)*, All-Time Points Leader (973), 3rd in Hits (2587), All-Time Blocked Shots Leader (1882)*
*All-Time Leader Among All Skaters
Player Profile | Update Thread
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Abdeezy · 06-01-2016, 12:12 PM

Good morning everyone on this beautiful sunny day in Prince George! There has been a press conference announced by the Prince George Firebirds and they've caused quite the crowd here outside the arena.

No one is really sure what the press conference is about, but they have stated that the announcement is not revolving around the Prince George Firebirds organisation, but more centred around the city of Prince George, and how the Firebirds would like to "give back".

Many rumours have been spilling around, and it seems to be either an event will be held by the team, a charitable donation or maybe something will be built here outside the stadium.

Mac steps up to the podium and begins discussing the events, and he has announced that there are 5 members of the team who have volunteered to make a charitable donation to a charity of their choice!

Mac continues "I am the first member of these 5, and I have decided to donated 2M to hockey's future in Prince George, the kids' hockey program!"

TNGO steps up second "I have decided to give 1.5M to homeless shelters in efforts to help get people off the streets and into homes where they can be cared for"

Assistant captain Michael McFadden has stepped up "I will be giving 3M to the children's hospital!"

Assistant Captain Nicolas Winter steps up "I have decided to give 3M to help our golden aged residents, improving our retirement homes! My father will greatly benefit from this"

Finally, Back up goaltender Ace Dafoe steps up "I have decided to give 2M to help our disabled residents, help improve their mobility in public areas and help getting them the services they need in ever day life!"

The crowd is cheering and they are in love with the team they see before them, what a way to give back. nearly 12M in money from our home town hockey team being spread out over 5 different charities that are very important to our societies well being.

***WannabeFinn*** · 06-01-2016, 12:33 PM

Early Saturday morning a large group of Los Angeles Panthers players and personnel made their way to downtown L.A. where they donated their time and money to the Wounded Warriors project. Upon their arrival they noticed former Los Angeles Panther, the legend himself, Brian Morley.

"Wow Brian, I had no idea you were a wounded warrior. I'm glad we could all make it out today to help you and your comrades. Why don't you share with us some of your stories from your time in the service?" asked LAP captain Jorma Ruutu.

"What do you mean.. I'm confused" replied Morley.

"Well, clearly you've been wounded in battle, Brian", added Kaapo Kekkonen. "Just look at your legs. I'm astounded that you can even walk right now."

"My legs are fine... seriously. And I'm not a wounded warrior", said Morley with an annoyed look on his face.

"Oh, stop being so bashful, Brian! You don't have to downplay your sacrifices. You're a hero in all of our eyes", said Sven Karlsson. "You look like you could use some strength training though. Hey, why don't you come on down to the LAP arena and we can set you up with some training sessions with our professionals!"

Everyone nodded in agreement and smiled at Morley, eagerly waiting for his answer.

"Stop it. I'm not a wounded warrior. I just skip leg day at the gym", Morley admitted. "Ever since I hung my skates up I didn't see a reason to continue working on my legs at the gym. It's just so unenjoyable."

"Wow Brian. I can't believe this", said LAP general manager Wastlund. "You never told me you played hockey after your time in the service! That's just amazing. Why don't you come on down to the rink later this week and we can play some 3-on-3?"

"I hate you people", Morley grumbled.

crutch · 06-01-2016, 12:50 PM

It was another rainy day in St. Louis, which meant it was a perfect day for the annual St. Louis Scarecrows hosted casino night. With all the gambling you can think of, thereâ€™s an event for anyone. You can play poker against Joe Kerr. You can play craps against Danny Foster (donâ€™t beat him though, heâ€™s got a bit of a temper).

If you are feeling brave enough, you can pay to take faceoffs against Alexander Charlybâ€™y. If you win the face off, you double your money. If you lose, you donâ€™t win shit and you gotta pay us. Obviously with the best faceoff man in the league, the Scarecrows are going to make a lot of money for underprivileged kids tonight.

Of course, it wouldnâ€™t be a Scarecrows night with having alumni in attendance. Ryan King and Chris Crutchfield (the current GMâ€™s) have sent out invitations to every alumni of the Scarecrows to see if they would like to come and take faceoffs against Alexander Charlybâ€™y. So far, they only have one response. It wouldnâ€™t be magical if it wasnâ€™t Johnny Cahill responding to the Scarecrows offer.

â€œWe were really surprised to see Johnny respond to us to beat Charlybâ€™y on faceoffs. As a defender, he isnâ€™t really good at them.â€ Chris Crutchfield fills us in, â€œIâ€™m not sure what his plan is, but it will have to be a great one to beat Charlybâ€™y in the dot.â€

We managed to catch up with Johnny Cahill who filled us in on his strategy.

â€œWhen he goes down for the draw, Iâ€™m just going to punch him in the face. Iâ€™m going to win a lot of money tonight.â€

With an attitude like that, Cahill canâ€™t lose. Come down to see the scrap between Charlybâ€™y and Cahill and raise some money for the underprivileged kids of St. Louis!

Pandar · 06-01-2016, 01:30 PM

Every winter, the West Kendall Platoon participate in a local team-run charity event â€œWinter in Floridaâ€ where they bring in five thousand tons of snow for the children of the Miami area to play in. â€œSince the kids around here have never seen snow outside of a screen, we thought it would be nice to let them see what the fuss is all about,â€ said star defender Biscuit. The team sets up a fake hill and provides sledding equipment for the kids, as well as carrots and sticks for snowman building. â€œWith the explosive enthusiasm surrounding the movie Frozen the event has tripled in size. The team even convinced defender Maximova to dress up as Elsa. â€œWe tried to make Bojo be Anna, but he refused to shave his beard,â€ joked Pettyfer. You can also see Wagner dressed up as Olaf, Wert as Kristoff, and McDoodle as Sven. â€œWe decided to make McDoodle be Sven because the reindeer is the closest thing the movie has to an ass. Other than Hans,â€ quipped Pejonis. An unnamed source also pointed out that the team also had to prevent McDoodle from making snowballs and throwing them at future events. â€œI canâ€™t believe theyâ€™re making me wear hooves! I love to throw snowballs. The moms that bring their kidsâ€¦ they donâ€™t wear â€œwinter attireâ€ and itâ€™s fun to hit them in the chest region,â€ McDoodle continued to lament the loss of his ability to torment the young mothers of the Miami area, but for the comfort of all parties, weâ€™ll leave it at that. The team will also set up an outdoor rink, and host a 3 on 3 tourney in various age brackets, with the winning teams receiving box seats to future Platoon games. The event is free and open to the public, and will take place next Saturday from 10am to 6pm.

Slappydoodle · 06-01-2016, 02:26 PM

The West Kendall Platoon are a caring, well rounded organization. They not only wish to be a stellar hockey club; they also aspire to be stellar teammates to one another and to their community at large. For example, their long running community outreach program, Making Babies with the Platoon has had a glorious history and a well deserved reputation for excellence within the greater Miami area, especially amongst the female population. It should be pointed out that the rumor that Oliver Pettyfer somehow once even managed to impregnate a local man was proven to be false. Apparently the guy had recently eaten a few Cuban sandwiches and was simply in dire need of a bathroom break. The fact that the rumor was ever believed speaks to the fact that no one is really sure what the androgynous Pettyfer is capable of or what the limits are on him, biologically or on the ice.

Recently, German defenseman and suspected superhero (though that is a story for another day) Klaus Wagner took it upon himself to start a non-profit for impoverished sausage makers. The native German speaker's first name for the group, Platoon Give Big Moneys for Hot Sausage, had to be changed after large numbers of male prostitutes kept hanging around the practice facility all the time. The entire idea was eventually scrapped altogether when it was discovered there were no impoverished sausage makers anywhere in the Southern Florida area to distribute the funds to after all. The silver lining is that Maria Maximova managed to meet her two newest "friends" Chip and Buff in the parking lot after practice one day. The threesome is now virtually inseparable, at least until ice-goddess Maximova grows tired of them and has them fed to her pet ocelots.

Slappy McDoodle, who has managed to stand out for his odd behavior even on this team of freaks, recently began a charity dedicated to wiping out smallpox. He rented out office space, gathered a support staff, outfitted several state of the art laboratories, made large ad buys in print, radio, cable and even online formats, and hired away half the staff of the CDC whom he fully reimbursed for their moves from Atlanta to West Kendall.

After having spent tens of millions of dollars raised from private contributions from McDoodle's contacts in the local business community and several millions more straight from his own pocket, he called for a press conference. After having made the assembled masses of reporters wait several hours, since everyone knows Slappy McDoodle can't get a presser done in a reasonable amount of time, he finally explained to the gathered throng the mission of his new group. When one of the incredulous pressmen explained that smallpox had been eradicated years ago and that the last known case was back in 1977 Slappy started jumping up and down screaming, "We did it! We did it! I knew we could beat this thing. (Sob)....this means so much (choke). It just goes to show (snort), when you give your all to something there are no limits to what can be accomplished. Thank you all for coming and thanks to everyone who helped make this dream a reality." McDoodle then dropped the mike and walked off, leaving the assembled scribes to simply shake their heads in wonder before pillaging the open bar that McDoodle had provided. Rumor has it that the entire staff of the aforementioned charity and all the resources are now used by Slappy exclusively to manage his ego and make him pancakes.

589 words

TheNextGreatOne · 06-01-2016, 02:48 PM

New England Wolfpack teammates; Connor O’Reilly, Brandon Pomery, Earnest Ciarelli & Butch Buckley, decided to support a charity after watching their favourite My Little Pony episode “The Mysterious Mare Do Well”. After a lengthy discussion on what charity to support, one that took a few hours, they decided to go for one that is very close to Ciarelli’s heart; The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Who Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too. The Zoolander Center, is very close to Ciarelli’s heart, as it’s a center Ciarelli attended a lot when he was younger, but doesn’t appear to have had any positive effect on him. So after getting permission from New England’s PR department, the four of them went to the center during a couple days they had off.

During the day they were there, the four of them did a bunch of activates to help raise money for the Center. Their first activity was to take turns reading to the group, the picture book Fillip Filibuster, the diving Knight. The picture book was decided by the group, because as stated earlier, Ciarelli can’t read well, and can only picture books, and so to include him in the reading they had to choose a picture book, this one being picked out by O’Reilly. Their next activity was a signing, which had a good number of people showing up, according to O’Reilly, Ciarelli and Buckley. But for some reason Pomery doesn’t want to talk about the signing, which O’Reilly says might have to do with three fourths of the people who went to the signing, just skipped Pomery when they reached him. Once the signing was done, it was time for a lunch with some of the long-time members of the Center, a few of them remembering Ciarelli from his time there. At the lunch, O’Reilly insisted that the lunch had to be Fish and Chips, and nothing else or he would leave. So the center obliged, but failed to realize by Chips, O’Reilly meant French Fries. And because of that, the four of them left early, with O’Reilly shouting obscenities at the organizers of this fundraiser.

In the end, the foursome raised about $9,001 for the center, something everyone but Buckley wasn’t proud of, who claims it’s awesome as they raised of 9,000 dollars!

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