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Trautner · 12-10-2018, 12:11 PM

First article double bonus.

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Special Agent Michael Scarn has always had a talent for hockey. After training long and hard to compete for his place in the NHL All-Star Game in order to take down Goldenface and his plans to bomb the NHL All-Star Game. After uncovering the conspiracy between the President and Goldenface, and killing Goldenface once and for all to prevent the nefarious villain from digging up Scarn's dead wife and humping her real good, Agent Scarn turned to retirement with his soul at some ease. He sits by the fireside every now and then to tell the story of his most famous mission. But some doubts do remain on whether Goldenface was actually confirmed to have died in the film (SPOILER ALERT).

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Scarn learned to skate and score like the best of them under the tutelage of Cherokee Jack. Cherokee Jack tragically passed away just before Scarn saved the day, and now after a few years into retirement, Agent Scarn has an itch to return to the ice. Although Agent Scarn killed a young Mexican speedskater in order to secure his spot in the NHL All-Star Game, it seems all has been forgotten. Law enforcement in the United States curiously did not find Scarn to be in the wrong when they stumbled upon the strangled speedskater in the locker room after the race and instead simply awarded Scarn, who finished 2nd, the spot in the NHL All-Star Game. Michael Scarn demonstrated some insane slap shot power in his cameo in the All-Star Game, and can skate alongside the best of them.

Scarn declared for the Season 45 SMJHL Draft late last week. He hopes to honor Cherokee Jack's memory by skating to the best of his ability and mopping up the competition. One of the most unique things about Scarn's character is the stick that he uses on the ice. Scarn uses the very same mop that Cherokee Jack handed to him when he first stepped foot on the ice in the Scranton Community Rink.

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Agent Scarn has taken up a secret identity as a member of the Czechoslovakian team as part of his declaration for the SMJHL Draft. Scarn moved to the Czech Republic directly after blowing up Goldenface. The taxes there are pretty relaxed and Scarn has taken up hockey in his free time in retirement. So naturally the itch to return to the ice came back. After foiling the President's plans to work alongside Goldenface to blow up the arena as part of an insurance scam, Scarn had to flee the United States of America and from the President. To this day, the President of the United States hopes to hunt down Scarn and is looking for him. Scarn knows the secret about the President and did not have the time to inform others about the President's collusion with Goldenface.

Although Goldenface is dead, the President is still out there and the public does not know of his evil intentions. As such, Scarn would really hope not to be drafted by a team located in the United States, in both the SHL and the SMJHL. Or who knows, if he is drafted by a team located in America, Scarn might have to take down the corrupted President once and for all. If Scarn is drafted by an American team, there is a decent chance he will hang up his skates in order to focus on his mission against the President first, before returning to the ice. There may be more shootouts in the Oval Office like when the President and Goldenface took out some heavy guns and shot directly at Scarn.

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Scarn has felt very welcomed by the locker room in the Czechoslovakian National Team. Scarn is proud to be a part of the new generation of the Czechoslovakian Federation team, and hopes to carve out his own path and legacy for the team. Scarn considered moving to Ireland after fleeing from the United States, but through pure circumstance he ended up on a flight to the Czech Republic. Scarn does The Scarn dance before every single game, and his teammates always join in enthusiastically. Everyone knows how to do The Scarn and meet new friends and tie some yarn.

There are rumors that Goldenface may still be alive, though, or at least back from the dead. Although a hockey puck rigged as a bomb landed in the lap of Goldenface, it is inconclusive whether the bomb actually killed Goldenface or not. The documentary "Threat Level Midnight" pauses and cuts away from Goldenface just as the bomb blows up. This is in stark contrast to the shot of the hot dog vendor and animal rapist hostage getting his face blown up. With that shot being the most expensive one of the documentary by far, you'd think that Goldenface's death would be more important. So, if they did not show Goldenface's death, is it possible the evil golden-faced villain is still prowling around on Earth to this day? Michael Scarn certainly thinks so and he will not rest easy until he sees the dead body of his lifelong enemy for himself.

Scarn wakes up in cold sweats nearly every night imagining Goldenface digging up Catherine Zeta-Scarn's lifeless body from the grave and humping her real good. Goldenface was never confirmed dead, and that is not enough for Agent Michael Scarn. On any road trip to the United States, expect Agent Scarn to hang up the skates and to don his signature suit once again to do some investigating. The robot butler, Dwigt, always accompanies Scarn on road trips, serving him tea and informing him of new developments in the Goldenface hunt case. Scarn will get into plenty of trouble throughout his hockey career. We'll see where it takes him and whether he will find Goldenface again, in Threat Level Midnight 2.

***luke*** · 12-10-2018, 12:17 PM

This is the media we need, and don’t deserve

FlappyGiraffe · 12-10-2018, 12:22 PM

Pour one out for Cherokee Jack RIP

caltroit_red_flames · 12-10-2018, 12:29 PM

lmao yessss

King · 12-10-2018, 12:32 PM

Already a 1st oa lock imo. Don't @ me.

***Snussu*** · 12-10-2018, 12:36 PM

Rush 2.0?
I mean what

***39alaska39*** · 12-10-2018, 12:38 PM

RIP Cherokee Jack

Alex Winters (retired)
Matej Winters (retired)
Dominik Winters
S45 Jesster Trophy Winner
Challenge Cup Winning Goal Club: S52

*CptSquall* · 12-10-2018, 12:45 PM

RIP the great Cherokee Jack

ArGarBarGar · 12-10-2018, 04:18 PM

I told everyone this would be the GOAT draft class.

Alonzo Garbanzo Final Tallies (Among Defensemen):
2nd in Goals (208), All-Time Assists Leader (765)*, All-Time Points Leader (973), 3rd in Hits (2587), All-Time Blocked Shots Leader (1882)*
*All-Time Leader Among All Skaters
Player Profile | Update Thread
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