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New world order in old world culture
#1
(This post was last modified: 02-07-2019, 04:09 PM by Weretarantula.)

Alright, here's a completely off the rails media article that no one asked for and for no reason other than the fact that I am bored at work. Here's one thing that has bothered me from the very beginning of getting into hockey: old school hockey ethics. I'm talking about the Brian Burke's, Lou Lamoriello's and Don Cherry's of the game. Hating on players celebrating when they score, or celebrating when they win, or even not allowing them to grow facial hair. To me, these attitudes are absolutely preposterous and have no place in the game, cause that's what it is, a game. Celebrating when you do the right thing or achieve a goal is human nature. Hair grows on your face, it's natural! Who would have thought?

Here is a direct reference from the trilobite himself: 'When I asked Lamoriello last year why he continues to enforce rules that seem like they were created in the black-and-white era of television, he said “Individual players can help you win games, but teams win championships.” In other words, you want every player, whether it is a top-line star or a fourth-line grinder, to pull on the rope at the same time. Having a unified appearance plays into that concept.'

It's also important to note that this has nothing to do with a playoff beard culture, and is just straight up 1. borderline discrimination to anyone who wants to grow out their facial hair 2. dictatorship style authority on a power trip.

It's a joke. Personal appearance means nothing when it comes to skill or team spirit. Are you wearing the same uniform as your teammate? Cool, you know you're on the same team. Oh that guy has a beard? *clearly he hates everything we stand for*  LOGICAL!

So with that pretense laid out, here is Maxime Bouchard's team ranking of facial hair of all the GM's, for a big fuck you to old mate Lou. (This list only ranks those renders who I could actually find in their bio or somewhere else on the site. No player? 0 for you and Lou has a special place in hell next to himself for you, you facial hair hating mofo.)

EASTERN CONFERENCE
BUFFALO
Wannabefinn: Markus Nutivaara GRADE 0/10
The lad looks more clean shaved than a hairless cat. Atrocious display
Tomen: John Klingberg GRADE 1/10
Gets a point for having stubble at some stage but that's about it. Blonde beard doesn't help his case of visibility

CHICAGO
Velevra: Unknown? GRADE 0/10
Not a single render or player sig to scour, no information anywhere to suggest they ever had a beard. POOR FORM.

HAMILTON
Thatdamnmcjesus: Victor Hedman GRADE 8/10
FINALLY a solid candidate for grading. Lovely joining of the mustache to the chin, solid coverage of the cheeks. Length could use a little work but fantastic specimen all around.
Waters: Jujhar Khaira GRADE 8/10
Hamilton really pulling out the stops here and leading as fantastic examples to their players. Magnificent coverage, only let down by lack of length.

MANHATTAN
Jaywhy: Nathan Mackinnon GRADE 6/10
Not bad, but definitely needs more work. Looks pretty good as an Amish style do, but the ginge and the holey cheeks lose points.
GeckoeyGecko: Ryan Callahan GRADE 6.5/10
Grown purely for the playoffs, sporting the mo' definitely works in the rest of the beards favour, but the lack of length makes it look immature. Better than Mackinnon's but definitely average.

MINNESOTA
Baelor Swift: Kanye West GRADE 6/10
Gets some points for being well groomed and for sporting it year round. Loses points for never letting it get a little more freaky, and for being a goatee.
Shmurph: Joe Thornton GRADE 10/10
The mac daddy of them all, nothing in the league will ever top this stupendous exhibition of facial follicle prowess. Kadri ripped a chunk out of it and it grew back in nano seconds, it's that strong.

NEW ENGLAND
Ace: Patrice Bergeron GRADE 7/10
Year round chiseled stubble makes for a great start. Could be magnificent if he ever let his face dare to dream.
Jcfbey01: Michael Grabner GRADE 8/10
Can grow a black mustache on a brown beard which is a curiosity, but has shown in the past a nice viking look, and holds true with a goatee for most of the year. Solid.

TORONTO
Nobody: Joe Pavelski GRADE 9/10
Only loses points because he shaves and because he never lets it get to Thornton's length. Stunning.
Ml002: Patrick Sharp GRADE 8/10
Great beard and would earn himself a 9, but missing some solid definition on his cheeks. Shame really.

WEST KENDALL
JR95: Roman Josi GRADE 6/10
Not bad by any stretch of the imagination, but the goatee style hides the patchiness of the overall beard. Feels on par with Mackinnon. And just lucky I didn't choose Kyle Turris for the grading.
Wongy: Erik Karlsson GRADE 7/10
Could have been JPG too but I'll go with Karlsson cause Karlsson. Fantastic mustache, if not the best in the league, but I'm rating everything overall and the chin goatee is just unrefined. Sneaking suspicion can't grow cheek hair too. Still solid though.

WESTERN CONFERENCE
CALGARY
Steelhead77: Marian Hossa GRADE 6/10
Not heavily rocking anyone's world with a small selection of red stubble, but better than a clean shave.
C00kies: Pingu GRADE 0/10
Here's a quote from Google: 
Do penguin have hair? - Quora
https://www.quora.com/Do-penguin-have-hair
Feb 16, 2018 - No, penguins do not have hair.
That settles that then.

EDMONTON
Karlssens: Leon Draisaitl GRADE 7/10
Needs to keep it on longer, but solid beginner lumberjack beard. Good all round coverage.
Keygan: Erik Karlsson GRADE 7/10
See previous definition of Karlsson.

LOS ANGELES
Wasty: Tage Thompson GRADE 1/10
Poor lad seems to lack the genetics so far. We'll have to let him develop.
Vbottas17: Oscar Fantenberg GRADE 7/10
For a young guy, has great beard when he wants to grow it. Gotta keep it hanging around longer though.

NEW ORLEANS
JKortesi81: Joe Pavelski GRADE 9/10
See previous definition of Pavelski.

SAN FRANCISCO
Grapehead: Erik Karlsson GRADE 7/10
Once again, see the previous explanation on Karly's face.
Tweedledunn: I've got fucking no idea who this guy in his sig is but from what I can see it's patchy as shit GRADE 2/10
At least he has something.

TAMPA BAY
JSS: Zach Werenski GRADE 3/10
Yeesh. The lad is trying but his skin ain't having it. Dodgy mustache to boot.

TEXAS
Dankoa: Taylor Hall GRADE 7/10
Holds a very decent stubble, but lacks speed of growth and depth seemingly. Hasn't ever held a huge beard and I feel that's a real let down in his game.
Ligma: Juuse Saros GRADE 6/10
Large holes and lack of consistency really dent the grade here. Rinne is a much better role model.

WINNIPEG
FlappyGiraffe: Some bearded wonder who I can't find on the internet GRADE 9.5/10
Second to only Thornton himself due to raw power and length. Fantastic beard and something to really get under Lou's skin.

And there we have it. The most random topic to give gradings on that I could think of, and a bunch of insane ramblings to go with it.
Graders I spent way too long researching everyone's profiles to find out who half these players are (reverse images search is useless with all the colour layers and lighting effects people put into their signatures), so a research bonus would be appreciated, but whatever.

And once again fuck Don Cherry for saying the guys at the world juniors shouldn't celebrate their goals. God damn they are basically kids let them have a bit of fun you old prick.

[Image: first.png]
[img=0x0]https://i.imgur.com/rWt4AB3.png[/img][img=0x0]https://i.imgur.com/rWt4AB3.png[/img]
Maxime Bouchard
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#2

Otis B. Driftwood believes in a good, solid moustache at all times

[Image: 46e1ab47c7ba6552cc8a4d0ccd10864f--grouch...people.jpg]

[Image: nQDbTbM.png]

[Image: hA5o4UG.png]
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#3

These are the important topics everyone should be talking about. Well done!

Cheers

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#4
(This post was last modified: 02-08-2019, 12:22 AM by Nobody.)

Not sure I should tell you that Pavelski isn't my render if I'm gonna get a 9/10 Hmm

[Image: 53994_s.gif]





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#5

02-08-2019, 12:21 AMNobody Wrote: Not sure I should tell you that Pavelski isn't my render if I'm gonna get a 9/10  Hmm

[Image: 53994_s.gif]
O RLY

[Image: first.png]
[img=0x0]https://i.imgur.com/rWt4AB3.png[/img][img=0x0]https://i.imgur.com/rWt4AB3.png[/img]
Maxime Bouchard
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#6

02-08-2019, 09:25 AMWeretarantula Wrote:
02-08-2019, 12:21 AMNobody Wrote: Not sure I should tell you that Pavelski isn't my render if I'm gonna get a 9/10  Hmm

[Image: 53994_s.gif]
O RLY

Sig rotator. And I guess I have one of him, can't turn down a @karey Sig. All my others are Liam Stewart though

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#7
(This post was last modified: 02-08-2019, 10:12 AM by Weretarantula.)

02-08-2019, 09:32 AMNobody Wrote:
02-08-2019, 09:25 AMWeretarantula Wrote: [Image: 53994_s.gif]
O RLY

Sig rotator. And I guess I have one of him, can't turn down a @karey Sig. All my others are Liam Stewart though
I know, just saying it exists Wink
Liam has a decent beard anyways lol

[Image: first.png]
[img=0x0]https://i.imgur.com/rWt4AB3.png[/img][img=0x0]https://i.imgur.com/rWt4AB3.png[/img]
Maxime Bouchard
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Richard Dickbutt McFudderdudder II
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#8

How's this?
[Image: killers3.jpg]

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#9

02-08-2019, 10:35 AMJiggly_333 Wrote: How's this?
[Image: killers3.jpg]

GRADE 9/10
Technically rating beards not mustaches, but in this particular case it's spectacular

[Image: first.png]
[img=0x0]https://i.imgur.com/rWt4AB3.png[/img][img=0x0]https://i.imgur.com/rWt4AB3.png[/img]
Maxime Bouchard
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Richard Dickbutt McFudderdudder II
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