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Daco · 02-22-2019, 07:09 PM

2x media for draftees,2030 words, 4million

Shl draft recap

Location Edmonton, AB
Date: Feburary 17, 2019

Round 1

1.

Hamilton Steelhawks - Nikolai Evans
The first pick of the draft went to the Hamilton Steelhawks, who took the sniper Nikolai Evans. He is known for his egregious hooker addiction, oftentimes buying groups for team Russia to play with. This might be why Russia lost to Sweden in the finals. Nikolai is a recreated player, coming from the loins of his father another successful SHL player who decided he wanted to raise his son to play hockey as well and now here we are with young Nikolai ready to bang broads in Hamilton aka the Big Ham. Hamilton is in Canada and is known for it's big city lifestyle, so Nikolai will no doubt enjoy it there and sign for his entire career . They traded up for a reason and his name is Nikolai Evans aka mister soggy biscuit . He is rumored to have made his teammates in the locker room play that game, which means he is excellent captain material and oozes leadership.

2.

Hamilton Steelhawks (VIA San Francisco Pride) - Anastasia O'Koivu

Anastasia also plays for team Russia, and will make a great duo with Evans when she is inevitably called up to the Shl. Anastasia is a great role model player and does everything right, she keeps it clean on and off the ice and creates robotic machines that will take over the world one day when Skynet is created in her free time. She also failed in the WJC but hopes to bounce back and prove that she belongs in the Shl. Anastasia used to have a mother in the SHL, who actually had to quit in order to raise her young daughter. You now see the result of the genetic experiments the Russians had going, creating a monster to dominate the ice for all time. Watchout Bobby Orr, here comes the Russian Machine. She has been training her checking, endurance, and skating abilities to help on defence. She has also been training her scoring, passing ,and puck handling in order to help on the offensive side . Don't be surprised if San Francisco Pride regret this decision seasons from now when Anastasia has her 8th challenge cup and MVPs. She may even win a Stevens trophy as well, and complete the gallon challenge without puking which is incredibly difficult.

3.

Tampa Bay Barracuda - Olivier Cloutier

Olivier, the bastard stepchild of Dan Cloutier, was reached for at third by Tampa Bay. She comes from a successful lineage since we all know how successful Dans NHL career was. Lol jk. She knows how to score since she practiced on Dan as a child, so it was always really easy to score and we all know easy training leads to peak development so it's safe to say Tampa Bay got the steal of the draft with this gem

4.

Buffalo Stampede - Monkey D. Luffy

Monkey D. Luffy is one of my favorite players in this draft, and was Co GM of team Canada leading them to a silver medal . Luffy was an offensive dynamo for Lethbridge this season and has worked on training his scoring more in training camp. My prediction is that Luffy will be top 5 in scoring in the SMJHL this year, and maybe even get called up in 2 seasons it depends on the depth of Buffalo. If Luffy wants to enjoy himself and bring Lethbridge the 4star he will take the honorable approach and kill it in juniors helping out his teammates for the next 3 seasons while he bides his time building up tpe. Expect him to enter the Shl like a rhino on steroids, he'll stick his horn up your ass and give you a ride to the finals, book it now.

5. Chiefs

Minnesota Chiefs (VIA Chicago Syndicate) - Mathias Seger

Wew time to buy tickets to the gun show! Also maybe even the defensively reliable fun show. Seger went to the same team as me, which means the Minny GMs are brilliant for this pick and I expect him to pan out and be a brilliant contributor to Minny for years to come. Do I smell the next Garbonzo? Or just the next Gretzky? He also won the gold medal against me for team world, picking up a point en route to the thrilling win.

6.

New Orleans Specters - Jimmy Slothface

Jimmy Slothface is another one of my favorite players in the draft. Rumor has it he is currently in a devil's three-way with Olivier Cloutier and a monkey. Sloth is part of the explosive core for the Halifax Raiders, who I actually view as favorites to win the 4STAR this season with a capped top 6 and Mike McKorsy in net. This thrill ride don't stop but if it does then make sure to keep hands and feet inside the ride at all times since if it starts back up again you don't want to lose any limbs.

7.

New England Wolfpack (VIA Calgary Dragons) - Perry Morgan

Another member of the Halifax Raiders, this time going to the Wolfpack. Morgan made a huge impact his junior season, being active in the locker room as an alternate captain, and chef for the team post game. He would always make sure to follow players into the shower to ensure they follow proper hygeine, and proceed to feed them like a mother caring for it's babies “here comes the airplane!” Morgan also loves to play slapass and enjoys watching strangers talk to each other so he can eavesdrop and decipher what they're planning since “the man” is always watching so look out they're onto us. Perry is very active and always participating in team events.

8. Rage

Manhattan Rage - Andrej Doskocil

Andrej hails from Arda, I'm not sure where that is but they must be feeding senzu beans to make such a thick, sexy, swole, vascular young man. When on the ice he brings the pain then makes you say yes daddy I want some more. Watchout for his scoring prowess this season and be on the lookout for him in Manhattan once he starts prowling for bitties there.

9.

Hamilton Steelhawks (VIA Toronto North Stars) - Kalvins Zvejnieks

Kalvin is known for his debilitating foot fetish, needing to view models bare feet before every game. Sometimes he will pay fans to come back to the locker room just to give them massages. Hamilton and Anastasia and Nikolai will have to be on the lookout for their fellow Russian to not sneak up and start licking their feet. He will score many points next season and he will not be a goalie, those are my prediction.

10.

Los Angeles Panthers - Borromini Cannellini

Biggest steal of the draft. The man who has 100million more dollars than second place and leads in tpe. Want to know how many GMs have no clue what they're doing? Count the ones ahead of Boro (except Minny since they already had Garbonzo). Canoli plays with me on the Vancouver Whalers and will likely shoulder the offensive load. I can't wait to get his full load. Argar runs a very successful podcast that the Manhattan Rage are huge fans of. infidel can tell. My prediction is he leads the league in scoring, assist, and overall points en route to securing the first seed for Vancouver. I expect him to win league MVP and impregnate a new lady in every city on the road. Those were his words not mine; he's trying to keep it on the down low so Bananak doesn't find out. But he also doesn't know that Bananak is fooling around with our new top pick Jax, since the newer version still has that new draft pick smell. Watch out for this man to dominate next season Argar is betting on it and if you doubt that then you're wrong. He's also more of an ass-man than a tits man, since a nice ass is more representative of working out whereas tits you're just kinda born with

11. Jets

Winnipeg Jets - Nick Brain

Nick Brain is responsible for the transcendent NHL 98 all-star game. He put two all-star teams of SMJHL rookies into a game and hosted an amazing showcase in which canoli had a hattrick. Nick didn't get the most spotlight scoring wise but I believe that catapulted him to the first round even more than a trebuchet might, and I'm not sure what the difference between a trebuchet and catapult is but I guarantee one is as strong as Nick Brain so if you're on the opposing team then look out because he is coming for you and he is gonna give you a hug then ruin your day you can take that to the bank. Sometimes he enjoys gambling at the pony show, which is another word for horse racing. I heard he also likes betting on games he is playing in. Winnipeg will probably call him up in another 3 seasons and boy oh boy are they getting their worth in bean paste from this guy.

12.

New England Wolfpack - Gordie Boomhover

Gordie loves to bring the book, and I tell ya new England got a great Gordie with this pick. He may be perhaps the best gordie in the entire draft. I expect him to contribute in enormous ways this season. He will boom you into Oblivion and then boom you back to Skyrim but not before having his way with you on the ice and teabagging you.

13. Chiefs

Minnesota Chiefs (VIA Texas Renegades) - Jerry Mander

Jerry Mander was responsible for creating the political tactic of gerrymandering, and so if you're upset with today's political climate then you know who to blame. He joins the same team as me in Minnesota. Expect him to earn his nickname Jerry in a few seasons as he will look to prove he is the best Jerry in the league and no one will beat Jerry's skills. Rick is known to not get along with his idiot son in law Jerry but that's a whole other story

14.

Tampa Bay Barracuda (VIA Minnesota Chiefs) - Matt Kholin

Matt Kholin is the sharpshooter for Halifax, known for being concerned with everyone's fitness and handing out pamphlets to the team on how to train better. He Co gmed Canada to a silver medal, for which he received a silver buttplug from Luffy in honor of the achievement. He has been spending his off-season training his scoring. Look for him to score on the ice and then score with the ladies in Tampa Bay as he hits on mother's who are just trying to enjoy their day at Busch gardens with their children. This thirsty dynamo will bring the juice boxes so you can relax and take a load off.

15.

New England Wolfpack (VIA Chicago Syndicate, West Kendall Platoon) - Guy Zheng

Guy Zheng, the best Asian player in the draft, absolutely dominated his first season and was actually in the running for DOTY according to Stevens ballot. New England truly has gotten the best Guy in the draft. He has been working on his skating, endurance, passing, and checking during his team training camp sessions and hopes to lead the core in Halifax to a cup this season.

16. Dragons

Calgary Dragons (VIA Edmonton Blizzard) - Brennan Kennedy Jr.

Brennan is the son of JFK's nephew, and just hopes to not get shot during his time on the ice. He is as fast as lightning and will make you say woah gosh darn it he is so fast when he passes by you and crossing you up to make you fall on the ice. He is more of a passer than he is a scorer, known for taunting his opponents relentlessy and also teabagging occasionally. He will join a former dynasty in Calgary, who are currently full of old people and would love the youth injection more than they enjoyed injecting rigging to their wins

*slothfacekilla* · 02-22-2019, 07:58 PM

Definitely laughing at my desk, well done lmao

02-22-2019, 07:09 PMDaco Wrote: Rumor has it he is currently in a devil's three-way with Olivier Cloutier and a monkey.

DeletedAtUserRequest · 02-22-2019, 08:37 PM

Great read.

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***bluesfan55*** · 02-22-2019, 09:33 PM

wew minnesota

ty to @High Stick King @EvilAllBran and @Ragnar for the sigs

ArGarBarGar · 02-22-2019, 10:11 PM

"I can't wait to get his full load."

Thanks for the kind words.

Alonzo Garbanzo Final Tallies (Among Defensemen):
2nd in Goals (208), All-Time Assists Leader (765)*, All-Time Points Leader (973), 3rd in Hits (2587), All-Time Blocked Shots Leader (1882)*
*All-Time Leader Among All Skaters
Player Profile | Update Thread
[Image: IeEV7Iv.png]

Wasty · 02-23-2019, 06:16 AM

02-22-2019, 07:58 PMslothfacekilla Wrote: Definitely laughing at my desk, well done lmao

02-22-2019, 07:09 PMDaco Wrote: Rumor has it he is currently in a devil's three-way with Olivier Cloutier and a monkey.

Wow how'd you find a pic of Luc from Iceoplex?

#40 Niclas Wastlund - W - VANCOUVER WHALERS Whalers

/ MINNESOTA MONARCHS

*slothfacekilla* · 02-23-2019, 06:19 AM

02-23-2019, 06:16 AMWasty Wrote:
02-22-2019, 07:58 PMslothfacekilla Wrote: Definitely laughing at my desk, well done lmao

Wow how'd you find a pic of Luc from Iceoplex?

I was going for John at the Ice Station...matches up.

Wasty · 02-23-2019, 06:22 AM

02-23-2019, 06:19 AMslothfacekilla Wrote:
02-23-2019, 06:16 AMWasty Wrote: Wow how'd you find a pic of Luc from Iceoplex?

I was going for John at the Ice Station...matches up.

Too short height wise but the drooping jawline and facial expressions are just right.

#40 Niclas Wastlund - W - VANCOUVER WHALERS Whalers

/ MINNESOTA MONARCHS

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