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Daco · 02-22-2019, 10:18 PM

2x media for smjhl draft; 3022 words, $6 million

Vancouver Whalers Draft review

Jax Duggan @SecondSucks22

Jax aka "Jaxophone" mad max with the hax was picked with the 8th overall pick in the SMJHL draft, making him drafted in the top 10. This means that he will have the expectations and responsibilities that come with being the 8th overall pick. He won't be able to play like the 9th pick, because that's not what he was. Jax likes to begin his day with a cup of coffee on an empty stomach, then brush his teeth. After brushing, Jax goes to walk his dog. After the dog walk he goes back home and gets ready for his first training session of the day. The morning session is skating/cardio, getting some fasted cardio in to cut fat and improve endurance. Typically after this is when Jax eats his first meal of the day. He likes to opt for a cup of oats, but sometimes goes a little crazyy and makes an omelette instead. Jax likes to use 3 eggs in his omelette, ham, spinach, and mushrooms. Sometimes he will sprinkle cheese on top if he wants to be naughty. Jax still lives with his mother since he is of course only 18 at the time; so after breakfast he will give his mom a kiss and hug and tell her how much he cherishes her and how much he'll miss her during the 8hours he will be away for the day. After this morning routine Jax likes to play his electric guiitar, specifically the song "Pingy Pingu" by the Lunga Gumbas. He then bikes to his day job since he doesn't have the fat stacks the SHL gives just yet. His day job is working as Gordon Ramsey's personal "fuck you" sayer. When Ramsay wants to insult someone he will just look and nod at Jax who will then of course say "fuck you" to the intended individual. In order to prepare for the draft, Jax dove into a more rigorous training regiment than he has ever dealt with before up to this point in his life. He started sprinting back and forth, and then doing jumping jacks, and then bench press, squats, dead lifts, yoga, anal sex, stretching, and of course badminton. During the course of training his mother would cheer him on and scream you go Jaxy Baby mommy believes in you! Leading up to the draft Jax knew he would get to bang some real grade A quality women once he started making millions, so he also decided to ditch his lifelong high school sweetheart who had been with him from day 1 from before he had gained fame. As the old saying goes, why buy the cow when you can buy the milk right, so out with the old in with the new! To this day Jax has groups of groupies follow him all around vancouver, they've nicknamed themselves Jax's Whales. Quite the appropriate nickname if I do say so myself. Now as Jax looks to start the season he has started praying to Jesus more for wins, it's a bold strategy let's see if it will pay off.

Vancouver Whalers (Via Montreal Militia Via Detroit Falcons Via Colorado Raptors) - Sami Raanta @NJD93

Sami Raanta is our new center of the future. He told me he's Captain material and he hasn't played a game yet, so you know it must be true. This young buck is from a Nordic country somewhere, he's pale and looks like the Raanta guy on Colorado. Maybe one day he will be as good as Landeskog and the crew on the Avs, and this is where he gets his start. Raanta's favorite breakfast is a plain egg muffin with no spread or toppings, and a glass of lukewarm water. After he eats breakfast he likes to play chess with his homies to practice the strategic side of the game. He has already greatly improved his strength and conditioning regiment, and is filling out nice thicc and swole and handsome and I know i'll be following him around in the shower because oh baby is he packing and I'm not talking about packing for a vacation in a suitcase. He said his favorite player growing up was Pingy Pingu, who played for Team Sweden during the WJC. Sometimes he likes to watch clouds go by and wonder what it would be like to be up in heaven with his father, who passed when he was a child. He was hit by a truck being driven by Dany Heatley, and this is what has spurned Sami on to become the player he is today. He hopes to become so fast that he will be able to rewind time like the flash, and go back to when his father died in order to save his life. So far he doesn't have any super powers but he has grown an inch in the last year. Jax's mother says Sami is very impressive so I'll just take her word for it. Sami's favorite women are pale blondes with daddy issues, which he will have no trouble finding in Vancouver. It is also a prerequisite that they wear a choker necklace and have a pierced septum nose ring. Sami's favorite hobby when he is not playing chess is to shoot squirrels with pellet guns. Sami credits this time hunting to be how he developed his scoring prowess. When Sami is on the ice he just envisions the goalies open spot to be a helpless bird just waiting to be shot, then channels his focus into his hands and unleashes the strength of hercules. When he is daydreaming on the bench, Sami is thinking of his favorite wrap songs, which are Finnish songs about wrapping presents. When it is christmas time in Finland Sami enjoys buying little kids their own hockey skates and sticks, then freezing lakes for the kids to play on.

Vancouver Whalers - Cullen Gray @Gray

Cullen is a left wing out of Canada, who will be a huge asset not only to the whalers but to team Canada in the WJC for the forseeable future. Cullen has specialized in scoring over passing, but has a deep weakness in defense for now. Once Cullen can bump up that defense he'll be able to get minutes, until then he will be a liability. I look forward to the development this kid will have, as I think he can bring a lot to the table. If we get our young guys in this draft class to stick around for 2-3 seasons we can have a peak stretch of 3 cup shots starting next season with a maxed top 3 lines and deep defensive depth. Cullen is also a slick skater, being a Patrick Kane or Martin St Louis type player. His puck handling may get in the way as he sometimes can't seem to decide whether to keep skating around and deking out opponents, or taking a shot. Sometimes before games Cullen enjoys taking smelling salts and getting the boys hyped up on ammonia. That's what's in smelling salts I had to look it up. Before games Cullen enjoys taking a fat dump, playing soccer tennis, and of course slap ass with the boys. Cullen enjoys his time alone as well, and is a voracious reader on the team. He even has started to create his own journal entries logging his entire day, morning piss to evening teeth brush, and reads it out loud for the entire team during team bus rides. Sometimes when he is lonely Cullen thinks about the existence of mankind on the planet and contemplates the theory of everything; did we come from black holes? He is a huge Stephen Hawking fan and enjoys giving lectures to the team after games. Sometimes if he hears a really good quote he will get it tattooed on his back, meaning that he does not have much real estate left there anymore. Cullen enjoys running train on Jax's Whales with the rest of the group, then they take them out to brunch. Sometimes they will have omelettes, other times they will have tuna tartar; hold the tuna. His favorite cocktail is rum and coke, hold the rum. He's not 21 yet so that's why he doesn't drink alcohol. Cullen is also morman and so he has to ride the bus whenever everyone else takes a plane, because planes are the devils creation. When the team wins he likes to celebrate by eating raw steak and screaming "GAINS GAINS GAINS" then goes to workout for a few hours until collapsing in a pile of his own vomit. If you looked up the word Work Ethic in the dictionary you would see it's not in there because it's 2 separate words but if it was one word then Cullen might be there.

Vancouver Whalers -Joe Ackroyd @joslaker

Joe Ackroyd, another good ole Canadian boah. Joe plays defense, but prefers shooting instead of passing it to his scorers. You could say Joe is a Shea Webber or PK Subban type of player. He cruises with the best of em and claps bombs like it's nobodys business. One time for a school science fair project Joe actually looked up how to reproduce bombs, and brought a pipe bomb into class. It ended up getting him an A on the project, which is when Joe knew that he couldn't trust the system anymore and needed to go discover himself. Joe spent his childhood travelling in Tibet, visiting various monasteries. It was in those travels that Joe realized his true passion and calling in life. He finally had found his purpose, which is posting picture of food on instagram. Joe travelled to the most historic landmarks in all of human history. The great pyramids, the library of alexandria, the colossus of rhodes, the Pingy Pingoon, the aztec ruins, and even went all the way to Atlantis. During his journey to Atlantis Joe encountered Aquaman. Aquaman recruited Joe to stop the villain who was trying to submerge Atlantis and steal all their secret technology. This is when Black Panther got involved and help rescue Atlantis and Joe. This all led up to the one decision that would change his life, playing hockey. Oh before that he took a picture of a latte in Atlantis and put that on instagram. He didn't get as many likes as he wanted so he ended up deleting the post and pretending it didn't happen so people don't think he's a no-like chump. Once Joe decided to play hockey he tracked down his biggest icon and mentor in life, Jax's mom. She taught him how to skate, shoot, pass, and even cook omelettes. Now after the team plays Joe likes to play inspiring Celine Dion music from the Titanic to let everyone know that no matter how tough the game, he will always be there for them through thick and thin like gravy that has too much flour. If you make a gravy and don't dilute the flour enough it can get pretty gross; like Jax's Whales. Luke has also come into Joe's life and played the father figure role, even though Luke is only 19 himself. Sometimes they play catch with each other before games, and Luke laughs saying "haha this is what it would be like if you had a dad" which makes Joe feel kinda sad on the inside. When Joe is said he likes to play hockey, so it's actually a ploy to bring out the best in him. I am very hopeful that this season Joe Ackroyd will grow to be a top 4 defender for the Vancouver Whalers, and next season be an instrumental part in the first of 3 cups. Expect him to either pair with Bernik or Jax, or maybe even Ask if he decides to run out and play D,

Vancouver Whalers - Aaron Wilson @aaronwilson

Aaron Wilson is a center from Canada. Luke seriously has some sort of team Canada fetish going on, and it seems I will have a ton of overlap between the Whalers and the Canada WJC squad. Aaron has a heavy focus on scoring and faceoffs. His passing is a trainwreck for now but that will improve with time and honestly it's not too bad to have someone who isn't afraid to shoot. As the old saying goes, shooters shoot. Aaron prefers dark meat, so when he goes to KFC he will always order the thighs and drumsticks instead of the breasts. These meats are generally juicier due to the extra fat content. Aaron uses this nutritious meat to fuel his body for more poundings so he can give and take real good. Sometimes when he's happy he will sing showtunes in the locker room, and everyone claps and sings along and we have a jolly good ole time. I will always remember the time we were just sitting around and he decided to whip his dick out and brought a hooker in to take a line off of it. Ah good times. One time during a road trip to Canada we had to pull Aaron out of a strip club and 10am on a Wednesday, since he was getting a little too jiggy with it. He likes to gamble on games as well as bet on them, and mentioned how he threw games in the prospect tourney to wrack up some dough. I like what I see, that shows great character and integrity I know it when I see someone cut from the same cloth. Canada this year had a sore lack of scoring power, so it will be a tremendous help to get someone like this who can clap bombs back into the lineup. When he is at his best he is more like Shea Weber than an angry man yelling at a cloud is crazy. I can tell what Luke sees in this man. On one of our trips to Amsterdam he took it upon himself to give me 50 euro and take me on a cab ride to the red light district. We first went into a cafe where we bought a couple joints worth of weed. We rolled the joints, and took a bong hit in there. On the way to the red like district we smoked and enjoyed ourselves. When we got to the ladies we were both so high we got a little scared and paranoid. Aaron saw one of the ladies that looked like his sister, so I took the opportunity to go use her services. I actually asked her name when I was leaving and turns out it was in fact Aaron's sister. I never told Aaron so he wouldn't feel bad about it, but she said she likes it there and I gave her a nice tip as well as some leftover weed.

Vancouver Whalers - Genghis Con @tooltime

Ghenghis Con is the beast from the middle east. He loves Tim the Tool man tony allen and is a big fan of big balling and shot calling. Sometimes when he feels like making toast he puts butter on it, toasts it for a few minutes, slaps on some cheese and ham, then eats it and has breakfast. Ghenghis Con is a convict that Luke pulled out of jail. He was playing for the all-star all-con team, versus the prison guards. Basically the plot of that football movie about convicts ensued, and he was allowed out of jail. Luke also helped by bribing some guards so it doesn't help to know how to grease the wheels if you know what I mean gotta smooth the scoop of the loop. Ghenghis Con is a dman who doesn't take no shit from no man. He is a strong independent con who don't need no woman. He prefers to enjoy his company with men, as prison has made him accustomed to. The warm embrace of men is what made Ghenghis want to become a defenceman, so that he could bang men every night and have it be legal, in fact even encouraged. When he isn't high sticking he is high dicking, which means exactly what you think it means. Ghenghis Con plays for team Ireland, who has other notorious players such as McNaughlty O'Connor. I think Ireland isn't part of the UK, so they're actually part of the British Isles. The British Isles did not do well during the WJC, so Ghenghis Con will have a lot of opportunity to prove himself and capture a starting spot. His main strengths are passing, defense, and puck handling. He can pass as well as Bobby Orr. Ghenghis can defense as good as Nick Lidstrom in peewee hockey, and Ghenghis can puck handle as well as Pavel Datsyuk with one arm. Genghis does not have a high scoring attribute so I expect him to pair quite well with the other defenders on this team. We also do not have many pass-first forwards so I expect this player to combine well and make chemistry. Chemistry is like when a man and a woman meet and it just feels so right, and it clicks and you get those butterflies and wonder is this finally it? Have I found love? Then you get to know them more and find out she's just a cheating whore and she takes your kids and kicks you out of your own home that you spent your whole life paying for. Chemistry is like the opposite of that. The Vancouver Whalers will have dynamic chemical reactions exploding left and right, and I am so excited to see this team play. There have now been 6 draft picks this year, combined with the 3 keepovers from last year Petr, Off, and Canoli, this squad is not as deep as others due to the turnover. But this team looks like it can really peak and compete for cups the next 3 seasons if everyone listed here puts in their weekly max trainings, then lookout world here come the Whalers.

Sami · 02-23-2019, 03:42 AM

Love it

Raanta is from Finland though. I mean it's death penalty to even say "Sweden" there. Just FYI.

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