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Raiders Captain Dom Montgomery Pulls Off a Miracle
#1

Halifax Raiders defenseman and captain Dominic Montgomery underwent an operation that would make Navy Seals cry this morning. Tomorrow, the SMJHL’s preseason begins and Dom Montgomery wanted to right a few wrongs from last season. Yesterday morning, Dom called up his firey and brash right winger, Troy Reynolds, and took him on a fishing trip. Reynolds was skeptical at first and seemed hostile to the idea of a fishing trip. He said that “fish are friends, not a recreational hunting activity”. Nonetheless, he agreed to come along because you can’t turn down an opportunity to hang out and get some brownie points with the captain.

Unfortunately for Montgomery, Reynolds didn’t come alone. Sophia Miacova, Reynolds’ understandably suspicious girlfriend, decided to come along for the trip to make sure Reynolds wasn’t “out sleeping with some Toronto slut”. Reynolds told her that she wouldn’t like fishing and she promptly became even more suspicious. At that point, Troy decided that standing his ground on this would result in pain that no man would ever want to receive, so he gave in to her demands.

We at the Halifax Gazette love a good story and detest spoiling the results, and this one’s ending will surprise you. To give you a sense of what happened, the Toronto Sun reports that Reynolds’ trip with Montgomery was “intense” and “at one point Troy Reynolds was crying” but everyone grew closer and a big lesson was learned.

Naturally after reading such a stunning description of what seems like a mundane team building/morale exercise, we had to figure out exactly what occurred on this fishing trip. Our Jim Jones did his research and acquired a transcript of what was said on the boat. We asked him how he got ahold of something that seemingly shouldn’t exist and he said “I have my ways, don’t ask me stupid questions”. Sometimes, Jim can be such a dick. With further ado, the transcript of the now legendary Halifax fishing trip.

Reynolds, Miacova and Montgomery sit in the middle of a lake on a boat, having been in silence since meeting up.

Reynolds: “So...I put the worm on the hook and just toss it in?”

Montgomery: “Well you can, some people are superstitious and have maybe a little ritual to give themselves luck, I don’t know if that’s something you may try.”

Reynolds: “Seems a little silly to me but it is what it i-”

Miacova: “Did you really ask if you put worm on hook? Are you slow?”

Reynolds: “Jesus, don’t bite my head off, I haven’t gone fishing before.”

Montgomery: “Really? Why’s that?”

Reynolds: “Because my dad is an asshole and never took me fishing. He said that fishing was barbaric and a waste of time, and that I should be doing something productive like anything else. So I started spending my days masturbating and smoking that dank herb to test his theory of anything else being productive. He...changed his tune but still wouldn’t take me fishing.”

Miacova: “Troy has daddy issues hahaha.”

Reynolds: “You know you can be a real bitch sometimes.”

Miacova: “At least my father took me go fish.”

Reynolds: “That’s different, you had to survive off that shit. Not all of us had to go catch fuckin three-eyed fish out of Pripyat to support the family.”

Montgomery: “Isn’t Pripyat in Ukraine? I thought Sophia was Russian.”

Miacova: “SO DOES EVERYBODY! I THOUGHT YOU ARE DIFFERENT THAN OTHER STUPID MEN.”

Reynolds: “If she was Russian, Matt would’ve killed her by now, Dom. I thought the mere fact that she’s living would’ve given it away that she’s some other nationality. Anyway, she’s actually from Kiev but her family grew up in Pripyat before the Soviets forgot how to nuclear. I made her play Call of Duty 4 the other day and she was not amused.”

Miacova: “Haha let’s make the Ukrainian girl relive her nightmares, good joke Troy real humorous.”

Montgomery: “Now I don’t know if this is just because I’m a captain who has seen it all, but do I sense a little bit of tension between you two?”

Reynolds: “No.”

Sophia slaps the taste out of Troy’s mouth.

Miacova: “Don’t lie to your captain! There has been much tension and he won’t admit it.”

Montgomery: “It could be that Troy doesn’t know why there’s tension. Maybe explain it a little bit.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: buckle your fucking seatbelts.

Miacova: “Where do I start? Oh yes, the cheating. Troy cheats and cheats and cheats. He has cheated more time than he has won hockey game. He breaks promise every day, telling me that he will beat Detroit or he will get draft higher than Nikolai Evans. Then he lose to Detroit, and Nikolai Evans goes number one and Troy goes 25. Then, he is such a mean person to these people he never talks to! I was at WJC and he never talk to his goalie, then he trashes him in media and says he fucked goalie’s mother! He never did that...he might have but he fucking better not have. He is mean to Anastasia O’Koivu when he KNOWS that she’s my second favorite player. I say second because despite Troy’s many flaws, he is still my favorite.”

Montgomery: “Aww.”

Reynolds: “I’m my favorite player too.”

Montgomery and Miacova: “We know.”

Montgomery: “Troy, you’ve got some issues du-”

Miacova: “I’M NOT FINISHED!”

Reynolds: “oh for fuck’s sake.”

Miacova: “Troy is always fucking drunk. Everyday I look over and he has a dozen empty drink bottles around him, and he’s typing some mean shit for no good reason other than boredom and being a drunk asshole. Do you know how many time I stop him from sending mean things about teammate? I don’t even think he mean it, he’s just so bored and drunk. He have so much potential but he’s in his own way.”

Reynolds: “You’ve been reading too much of the Halifax Gazette, that’s just wrong.”

Montgomery: “Troy, I’d hate to say it, but I agree with Sophia. You are in your own way. I’m not saying that your mouth is writing checks that your ass can’t check like Casimir said. You are clearly able to cash those checks. But you are in your own way of being able to keep those checks from bouncing, if you know what I mean. You drink too often, and you cause a lot of shit. I asked you to come out here so I could hopefully get through to you, to get you back on the right track. I know you like to stir things up, but you can’t make an enemy out of everyone in the league. It’s gotten out of control.”

Reynolds: “Oh my god this is an intervention.”

Miacova: “About time.”

Reynolds: “Oh shush, you’re not so perfect yourself.”

Montgomery: “Troy don’t say something you’re gonna regret.”

Miacova: “No no, let him say it. Tell me Troy, why am I not perfect?”

Reynolds: “...I mean...there’s not as many as you said for me. But, you yell at me a lot. And Matt implied that you were cheating on me with Kit Smeb.”

Miacova: “HE SAID WHAT?!”

Reynolds: “Well, he didn’t exactly say it, he just implied it. It’s the implication.”

Montgomery: “I understood that reference.”

Miacova: “Matt is dead man. I would never cheat, especially not with that tiny midget Smeb.”

Reynolds: “But Matt said-”

Miacova: “HMM WHAT DID MATT SAY? I THOUGHT HE IMPLIED IT TROY. HE NO SAY ANYTHING. ARE YOU LYING AGAIN?”

Montgomery: “That was not a proportional response. Listen, you two are young. Maybe it’d be for the best if you two called it quits since you seem to have lots of issues.”

Reynolds: “That’s gonna be a no from me chief.”

Miacova: “Are you insane, Dominic? If this idiot finds someone else, they’re going to be stupid airhead who can’t help him. I know that under his many layers of stupid, there’s a good person in there. I want to see him live up to potential and help him there.”

This is the part where Troy started tearing up.

Montgomery: “Well, I don’t think Troy responds well to yelling or being told not to do things. I told him not to do anything stupid after our first win and he almost got himself and 3 of his teammates killed by a drug lord. You have to reason with him...Troy are you crying?”

Reynolds: “No...a bass just jumped out of the water and slapped me in the face. I’m fine...stop looking at me.”

Miacova: “HE HAS EMOTION I KNEW IT.”

Montgomery: “Well, I think we all knew it. It’s just that the only emotions I knew he had were “drunk” and “pissed”. Sometimes they combined.”

Reynolds: “...so you both think I need to stop drinking?”

Montgomery: “No I couldn’t give less of a damn about you drinking. It’s how much you drink. Like, your liver is gonna shut down before you make it to Toronto.”

Miacova: “I met you while you were drinking. If you stop, you may die from withdrawal.”

Reynolds then cracked open a Coors Light. That’s a Coors because Bud Light don’t pay him nothin’

Reynolds: “Okay, I’ll try to lighten up on the alcohol. Sophia, hide the vodka and whiskey when we get home...why haven’t I caught any fish?”

Montgomery: “Because you’ve been using the same worm for the last 40 minutes.”

Reynolds: “Oh. Yeah that makes sense. So do you both want me to quit trashing other teams and players?”

Montgomery: “NO! GOD NO. I just want you to stop baselessly hating them. For example, Detroit hate? Perfect, we all hate Detroit as it is. Kit Smeb hate? Seemed random at first but we all grew to hate him too. Nikolai Evans hate? Seems like a bit much. Anastasia O’Koivu hate? Completely unfounded and I don’t understand it. Casimir Stevens had his coming, Monkey D. Luffy literally asked for your hate, Wibbly McButternutz deserves it for what he did to that poor Chevrolet Cobalt’s muffler. But hating on your WJC goalie...come on Troy. You know better than to throw teammates under the bus. Nikolai Evans may not be above that, but you are.”

Miacova: “Also stop making promises you can’t keep. I told my family in Ukraine, ‘my boy is going to lead Raiders past dirty Detroit’ and then you failed me. AND you lied and said it was rigged.”

Montgomery: “Now hold on, he didn’t lie, that series was absolutely rigged.”

Reynolds: “Yeah I think it’s widely accepted that Detroit absolutely deserved to lose that series and that we got hosed.”

Miacova: “Okay okay, yes Detroit was handed the victory by management, but I still looked like a fool.”

Reynolds: “Alright...should I try being more nice to other teams?”

Miacova: “I don’t expect you to be nice, just don’t be asshole.”

Montgomery: “What she said. If you think it’d help you progress, then go for it. But don’t try to force kindness. The only thing worse than an aggressive, belligerent, drunk asshole is a fake ass bitch who pretends to be nice. And the only thing worse than that is a Detroit Falcon.”

Reynolds: “I can drink to that...in moderation. I appreciate you both for doing this for me. Even though Sophia has hit all of these points in a louder, more high pitched manner”

Miacova: “I’m not high pitched, you’re just low pitched.”

Montgomery: “Just take these lessons, Troy. Sophia, god bless her soul, seems like she’ll hold you to all of it. You have what it takes to be a great player, but you can’t get there until you improve yourself as a person. Hold off on roasting people, and focus on you. We’re here to help.”

The fishing trip carried on for a few hours, and Reynolds appeared to be much happier in an environment where he didn’t feel compelled to insult everyone within a 600 mile radius. It looks like the Raiders captain pulled off a miracle that not even Jesus could pull off. What hockey teams did that guy beat anyway? Dominic Montgomery deserves a statue built of him, IF Reynolds truly changes. We at the Halifax Gazette wish them all good luck on the upcoming season, and as always, fuck Detroit.

Rutherford B Hayes
Halifax Gazette

(2056 Words)

Big Walter Ulrich
S69 Prospect
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#2

Some say Troy’s heart grew thee sizes that day.

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Reply
#3

Damn that really was the most wholesome thing you've written. Am honored that Dom was a part of it. Thanks for not having him kill someone (that's Matt's job, allegedly). Heart

"Dominic Montgomery deserves a statue built of him" YES

"IF Reynolds truly changes." ...nvm.

[Image: 56791_s.gif]

sigs by sulovilen, slothfacekilla, Flareon
avatar by prettyburn
Current: Wolfpack raiders Uk | Alumni: Inferno pride Knights Germany
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#4

02-23-2019, 01:50 AMbilbo Wrote: Damn that really was the most wholesome thing you've written. Am honored that Dom was a part of it. Thanks for not having him kill someone (that's Matt's job, allegedly). Heart

"Dominic Montgomery deserves a statue built of him" YES

"IF Reynolds truly changes." ...nvm.

The Halifax Gazette's hate train won't let them praise Dom without shitting on Troy simultaneously.

STILL DESERVE A STATUE EITHER WAY

Big Walter Ulrich
S69 Prospect
Reply
#5

And that newspapers name? Albert Einstein.

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#6

02-23-2019, 01:52 AMsharksisback Wrote:
02-23-2019, 01:50 AMbilbo Wrote: Damn that really was the most wholesome thing you've written. Am honored that Dom was a part of it. Thanks for not having him kill someone (that's Matt's job, allegedly). Heart

"Dominic Montgomery deserves a statue built of him" YES

"IF Reynolds truly changes." ...nvm.

The Halifax Gazette's hate train won't let them praise Dom without shitting on Troy simultaneously.

STILL DESERVE A STATUE EITHER WAY

They better be nicer to my boy, Troy. Even though he may or may not deserve the shitting. Heart

[Image: 56791_s.gif]

sigs by sulovilen, slothfacekilla, Flareon
avatar by prettyburn
Current: Wolfpack raiders Uk | Alumni: Inferno pride Knights Germany
Reply
#7

You always have to watch out for those Toronto sluts, theyll get you man

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