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***hotdog*** · 04-14-2019, 12:50 PM

(wc: 1644 and i did some research lol idk; x2 draft week media)

After a draft, we typically see the same types of media pieces. draft class rankings! positional breakdowns! perhaps a review of the first couple rounds, with or without shade thrown. I'm here to present something we don't typically see. (I should note a caveat here that I don't know if we usually see this. i can't be bothered to look through past posts. couldn't be me. it's possible that someone in previous seasons had this dumb idea as well. if so, shoutout to them for thinking about things dumbly like i do). And that, folks, is who's got the longest (and shortest) moves on their plate on the road ahead. This is a fancy way to say I used a website to find out the straight-line distance between SMJHL team and SHL team for every rookie drafted. I put it in both miles and kilometers.

Top 10 longest moves:

1. Tony Ford - Anchorage --> Miami - 4005 miles / 6446 km

Gosh dang tony, give a fuck about the environment why don't you?? this is the longest possible move in the SMJHL/SHL universe, traveling from the extreme northwest to the extreme southeast. Ford is going to need some climate readjustment as well, moving from the cold expanse of Alaska to that humid Miami vibe. Ford is young and impressionable so it won't be much of a shock if he is quick to give up his fur hat and hunting rifle for a white linen suit and an 8ball of blow. I asked Ford his thoughts on warm weather and he replied, "Anchorage is way too cold, so I'm looking forward to a change. I like the idea of a warmer climate, but I worry the heat might impact my training." Maybe TF can make his move in car and traverse a good chunk of the continent. Make a lil road trip out of it. stop at training facilities along the way and get some workouts in in some different climates - a gradual buildup to that first sweaty session in MIA.

2. Eko Van Otter - Anchorage --> Boston - 3371 miles / 5426 km

Well, fuck, i'm next. so i guess i should try giving a shit about the environment too. while i'm on it, lemme use my own paragraph to be a bit less professional for a sec and wonder how complete immobility would affect the environment. like we do so much other shit that fucks it all up, i wonder what percentage comes from planes and long haul trucking. probably a lot. but idk how much is from like factories and shit, probably also a lot. hmm.
Anyway, the move from Anchorage to Boston is a hefty one. EVO has been quoted as saying he "loves that messy water" - so he's close, but not quite there yet. head's in the right place, at least. Van Otter also may enjoy a nice long cross-country trek down through most of Canada and would do well to visit many of his otter friends in forests along the way. oh shit that sounds so tight an otter-centric road trip. although it's hard to find them shits, it'd probably be a ton of wasted time. but imagine the payoff moving from state to state, province to province, trekking out through acres and acres of bumfuck forest to see a lil otter, and finally seeing one. damn that'd be so cool. i may have to do this.

3. Cullen Gray - Vancouver --> Tampa - 2600 miles / 4185 km

The #8 overall pick is another with a diagonal voyage awaiting him in the future. Did you know that this voyage, an international one, is actually shorter than the two previously listed - those of Ford and van Otter - though the latter two are within the United States itself!? How wacky is that!? This Zany Geography Fact is brought to you by Exxon ("Watching tenderly over Alaska since 1989 and not a moment earlier"). Anyway, Gray will have the opportunity to cross the contiguous 48 states from NW to SE en route to Tampa. Tampa is known for being one of the top three strip club cities in the USA (with Vegas and Atlanta) so enjoy it down there Cullen. Stay out of trouble. I'm sure the Asian food will be exceptionally worse than in VAN, i'm pressing f for you.

4. Slap McShotty - Anaheim --> Boston - 2584 miles / 4158 km

McShotty stands as the first prospect traveling a direction other than Southeast. Mr. McShotty will be heading Northeast to colder winters, though the young prospect seems to be looking forward to it. "I prefer cold weather to hot weather. I can always add more clothing layers, but after stripping off enough layers it becomes illegal." McShotty was under police inquiry for a little bit for hanging dong gratuitously in the SoCal summer, but with all that cleared up off the back of a few autographs and photos, McShotty seems to be looking forward to the colder weather. According to google maps, it's a 44 hour drive across the US; Slap, if you're doing this yourself, feel free to hit up my friend Zak who lives in Denver he'll be happy to hang out and smoke a bowl while you're in town. This drive also cuts through Erie, PA heading into the homestretch. Don't stop here, Slap. I apologize to anyone from Erie but honestly I fucking swear Erie is by far the worst place in the country holy shit that place sucks so fucking much.

5. Jaguar Johnson - Montreal --> San Francisco - 2541 miles / 4089 km

Johnson is the first prospect who'll eventually be traveling East to West, so here's a touch of spice in the top five. JJ's drive, were he to do it that way, would include exciting stretches through Iowa and Nebraska. Hopefully SFP is paying him well to help afford the Bay Area real estate, which is no joke. Hey if any of you live in SF in real life, I have to go there for a conference next month and Airbnbs are expensive as fuck and i'm just a poor graduate student so if you have an available couch and don't mind hosting a nice clean friendly SHLer plz hit me up :eyes: Anyway Jaguar stands here as the 5th longest trek of the draftees.

6. Gunnar Soderberg - Kelowna --> Tampa - 2465 miles / 3967 km
7. Esa Parmborg - Halifax --> Calgary - 2338 miles / 3762 km
8. Austin Roenick - Lethbridge --> Tampa - 2196 miles / 3534 km
9. Lallo Selman - Anaheim --> Buffalo - 2186 miles / 3518 km
10. Sami Raanta and Aaron Wilson and Dale Miller - Vancouver --> Hamilton - 2080 miles / 3347 km

Top 10 shortest moves:

1. Seemu Telanne - Anaheim --> Los Angeles - 24 miles / 39 km

Telanne actually won't have to move at all, heading from the suburb to the city with his move from LA to Anaheim. Upon being drafted by LA, Selanne said, "shit man I already got a couple side pieces in LA already, looks like they might be getting promoted in my personal rotation" (he didn't actually say that to me plz don't hate him or, and, also, plz don't hate me). From the Honda Center to the Staples Center is only a ~35-90 minute drive (pending traffic - that LA traffic, am i right???) so Telanne will have to get used to those traffic patterns and not much else. Not a bad place to have to stay.

T-2. Josh Driver and Wibbly McButternutz - Detroit --> Buffalo - 216 miles / 347 km

Driver and McButternutz can buddy up and head from Detroit to Buffalo together (well, if they get called up at the same time, i guess) - just a quick hop around Lake Erie. Perhaps they can charter a boat cruise across the lake, that'd be tight! They should do that, sail across the wonderful Lake together. A great lake, even. (quick, very uninformed ranking of the 5 Great Lakes: Superior, Michigan, Erie, Ontario, Huron. plz correct me if i'm wrong here.) These guys will have gotten used to that gritty Rust Belt vibe during their time in Detroit, so the adjustment to Buffalo should be a fairly easy one.

4. Isaac Yamada - St. Louis --> Chicago - 263 miles / 423 km

Lucky Isaac Yamada gets to experience one of the most thrilling moves in the SHL, from St. Louis to Chicago. As someone who has spent a significant amount of time in Central Illinois, I can confirm that Yamada will be seeing a lot of cornfields on this drive and nothing else. Highlights along the way could include uhhhh I guess the Illinois state capitol building in Springfield and uhhh yeah the corn.

5. Boruvka Banananak - Lethbridge --> Edmonton - 267 miles / 431 km

Folks, I'm going to level with you here. i don't know much about Western Canada. I know what and where Edmonton is. I know what and where Calgary is. Lethbridge is apparently south of Calgary. Pretty neat huh? This picture of Edmonton makes it look pretty pretty. And apparently this is the skyline of downtown Lethbridge..?? Makes one wonder how it got an SMJHL franchise, no? I'm sure there's a cool, interesting reason behind it. But it's interesting to me that cities like Philadelphia and Quebec City are franchiseless while this rando (to me) town has the Lions. But I really don't mean to disparage, I'm sure it's a wonderful place. Anyway, Banananak will get a tour of Alberta from south to north when he's called up. According to Wikipedia, Alberta's landscape "encompasses mountains, prairies, desert badlands and vast coniferous forests" so Banananak could have a pretty great time and some nice sights en route.

6. Joseph Laraque - Halifax --> Boston - 407 miles / 656 km
7. Charlie Serpe - St Louis --> New Orleans (the Mardi Gras route) - 600 miles / 966 km
8. PB - Detroit --> Boston - 612 miles / 985 km
9. Nicolaj Muller - St Louis --> Buffalo - 661 miles / 1064 km
10. Mattie Brunton - St Louis --> Toronto - 661 miles / 1065 km