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A Day in the Life of Nick Brain
#1
(This post was last modified: 06-16-2019, 12:46 AM by StadiumGambler.)

(word count is 1750.)

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Here at ZMT Sports, we know that you, the loyal follower of our content, want up close and personal viewpoints on the lives of your favourite sports superstars, regardless of whether they intrude on their privacy to criminal levels. So today, we decided to follow promising rookie right winger Nick Brain of the Winnipeg Jets, and you'll see how he goes through a daily routine in the pre-season, as the Jets prepare for an exhibition game against a European opponent. Using a completely illegal hidden camera (with HoverTrack Technology) that stayed within a meter of Brain at all times, we found out his daily routine, and you WOULDN'T BELIEVE the crazy stuff that happens! Mostly because we can't provide you with video proof for stupid legal reasons like libel and stuff. Nonetheless, we've recorded it via the written word on a minute-by-minute basis for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

6:00 AM: Gets woken up by drunken garage band teenager playing Pink Floyd's The Wall on a boombox while stumbling down the street. Knows already this day is probably gonna suck.
6:05 AM: Does pushups to the sound of random songs from the Street Fighter soundtrack. Finishes wakeup workout by throwing three darts at a picture of the St Louis Scarecrows mascot.
6:20 AM: Showers and shaves, but leaves the mustache.
7:30 AM: Finishes breakfast prep and gets ready for the day. Today's Special: Chicken Parm Sliders, as a subconscious tribute to Esa Anrikkanen.
7:40 AM: Drives to rink, picking up rookie teammates along the way.
7:50 AM: Reaches Commander Shepard's house. Puts horn on blast twenty times.
7:51 AM: Shepard finally hops in the car. Nick welcomes "Lieutenant Shepard" to the SS Andromeda, and says he'll intentionally wrap this car around the tree like Bioware did to their franchise. Nick makes ridiculous facial expressions that look like 1080p abominations that cost $100 million to make somehow. Shepard is not amused.
8:00 AM: Picks up Noah Gallagher. Hands him the Nolan Snipez Guide to Defensive Play in Hockey as "mandatory in-car reading". Gallagher is not amused.
8:15 AM: Gets cut off by 4 people on the way to the rink. Gives the finger to all 4 people.
8:20 AM: Sees an old lady in a Chevrolet Cavalier do the legendary "pass across 4 lanes of traffic with no turn signal" driving technique. Shepard and Gallagher applaud. Nick would too, but his hands are on the wheel.
8:35 AM: Arrives at rink. Flips keys to valet, asks him to block Andrew Hawkins in.
8:36 AM: Puts valet in a noogie headlock and threatens the kid's life if he leaves one scratch on his BMW.
8:50 AM: Arrives in dressing room. Screams "BIG DICK NICK HAS ENTERED THE BUILDING!", then distributes Chicken Parm sliders to the cool Jets.
8:55 AM: Goes through mandatory 10 minute handshake with his boy Michael Scarn.
9:06 AM: Grabs random stick and a tennis ball, takes 20 practise shots at Andrew Hawkins locker.
9:12 AM: Gary Grease shows up.  Nick Brain hails him and bows, referring to him as "Jaime Stark, King in the South". Grease is not amused.
9:15 AM: Tells Cedric Moreau to get his fucking ass in shape or the team will give him a towel party.
9:20 AM: Goes into secret chamber with Ola Wagstrom, where they perform a ritual sacrifice of inactive players, using blood magic to enhance their own abilities. The incantations "Fantasy League", "Media Manipulation", and Mock Draft" are uttered, although Nick stumbles on the pronunciation of the latter.
10:00 AM: Heads out for morning skate.
10:30 AM: Goes top shelf on Vivian Leblanc and starts mashing random buttons to get a cool celebration. Instead though, we just get a penguin slide into the boards followed by a concussion as usual.
11:00 AM: Team finishes morning skate.
11:10 AM: Tells the Jets to line up to get their ass kicked by Big Dick Nick in Street Fighter. The entire locker room groans.
11:13 AM: Perfects Slip McScruff.
11:15 AM: Perfects Dylan Karlsson.
11:20 AM: Beats Lil' Manius. Manius accuses Nick of cheating, then runs towards him with a series of windmill punches. Nick puts his hand on Manius's forehead to hold him back, saying "Aww, look at da cute liddle manius!"
11:30 AM: Perfects Andrew Hawkins, then high-steps around the room in celebration.
11:45 AM: Shaves again, but leaves the mustache.
11:55 AM: Prank calls Mike Izzy using the team payphone. Asks Mike if he has Prince Albert in a can.
12:00 PM: Lunch time. Nick steals Andrew Hawkins lunch, and eats it along with his own.
12:10 PM: Announces to Troy McClure that hes coming for Ignatius Blunt's spot in the lineup.
12:30 PM: Mandatory team worship and prayer at their golden statue of Jason Visser.
12:55 PM: Prank calls Jon Maxfield. Asks for Mr. Hogan, then hangs up.
1:00 PM: Goes through mandatory 10 minute post-lunch handshake with his boy Michael Scarn.
1:10 PM: Shaves again, but leaves the mustache. Takes cologne shower afterwards. Uses Stetson.
1:25 PM: Logs onto Twitter alt accounts, then starts insulting the intelligence, ancestry, and barnyard animal sexual partners of every Jets fan who thinks Nick Brain is a bust.
1:35 PM: Prank calls Troy Reynolds. Asks if his girlfriend's water is running.
1:55 PM: Calls Ed Balls. Demands Top 6 minutes for the British national team next year. Balls shrieks, hangs up, and puts on a 4th layer of clothing.
2:15 PM: Calls Knute Knurtsson, Demands that he hold out from San Fran and head to Winnipeg. Knute says "Is no good to be tampered with, so we cut out the shit shat, yes?" then hangs up.
2:25 PM: Calls Cassius Darrow crying, saying that Knute was mean to him. Darrow instantly hangs up.
2:30 PM: Nick wonders if Knute actually is a Swedish person or if he just uses a random fake Euro accent to pass himself off as one.
2:40 PM: Does pre-game workout. Focuses on isometrics, calisthenics, and sabermetrics.
4:00 PM: Gets dressed for game. Jets play HC Davos from the Swiss League in an exhibition match.
4:30 PM: Pre-game warmup. Nick goes off the post and in with his first shot. Good omen.
4:45 PM: Goes through mandatory 10 minute pre-game handshake with his boy Michael Scarn.
5:00 PM: Puck drops. Nick demands second-line minutes with Wagstrom and Scarn, saying that their connection is "Money babee, money!"
5:15 PM: Scores on a tip-in from Poulin to make it 3-0 Jets partway through the first.
5:25 PM: Destroys a Swiss player with a big hit. Offers him a Toblerone.
5:30 PM: Jets lead 4-0 after the 1st. Nick demands 2nd line time.
6:00 PM: Nick scores his second to make it 6-0 after a scramble in front. Screams "WHERES YOUR BUST NOW!" At the Jets fans while pounding the glass.
6:20 PM: Jets lead 7-0 after the 2nd period. Nick continues to demand 2nd line time. Finally the coach just lets him have it and moves Blunt down to Line 3.
6:30 PM: Nick makes it a hat trick after getting a beautiful feed from Scarn on a 2-on-1 and buries it top cheddar. Nick does the "Hockey stick is a horsey, yeehaw!" celebration. Jets now lead it 9-0.
6:32 PM: Team gets a bench minor for delay of game. Nick tells Andrew Hawkins to go serve it.
6:37 PM: Nick gets hauled down from behind on a breakaway, finds the person who did it, and beats the Swiss chocolate out of him.
6:39 PM: Referee Tom Pole ejects Nick from the game. Nick angrily tells him to dispose of his whistle in his rectum. The linesmen hold him back while subconsciously agreeing with Nick's stance.
6:42 PM: Nick heads back into the locker room, finds a couple eggs in the fridge, and cracks them into Andrew Hawkins's shoes. Adds a nice shaving cream garnish on top.
6:45 PM: Calls Ed Balls and screams "DID YOU SEE THAT HAT TRICK?" Balls shrieks, hangs up, and puts on a 5th layer of clothing.
6:48 PM: Finds switchblade in the GM office.
7:00 PM: Heads to parking lot, and slashes Tom Pole's tires.
7:15 PM: Comes back to see the coach talking to the team after their 10-0 win. Screams "BIG DICK NICK HAS ENTERED THE BUILDING!"
7:25 PM: Goes through mandatory 10 minute post-game handshake with his boy Michael Scarn.
7:30 PM: Sees Chase Byron trying to peep on Vivian Leblanc in her personal dressing room. Shoves Byron through her door while high-stepping it away. Vivian shrieks and threatens to behead Byron with her blocker.
7:35 PM: Shaves, but leaves the mustache.
8:30 PM: After post-game stuff and media scrum, Nick peels out of parking lot in his BMW, flipping a nice double bird at Tom Pole, whos still trying to fix his tires.
9:00 PM: Drops Shepard and Gallagher off at a local nightclub. Screams at the nightclub lineup snaking around the curb "WHO SAW THE HAT TRICK I SCORED TONIGHT!?".
9:30 PM: Arrives home. Screams at neighbors to leave tribute on his doorstep because hes Nick effin Brain and he just scored a hat trick.
10:00 PM: Goes online to see Jets fans still calling him a bust. Laughs it off, then trolls them with alternate accounts.
10:10 PM: Shaves, but leaves his mustache.
10:15 PM: Prank calls the Toronto GM. Says he'll offer Andrew Hawkins to them for a reddit 6th round pick. Toronto GM shows interest.
10:30 PM: Plays online Street Fighter. Does not lose a game.
11:55 PM: Pulls out bag of beef jerky and queues up a good porno flick.
12:15 AM: Passes out on the couch.

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So there you have it Jets fans, the life of your future rookie star. Join us next time for our ZMT Special, Bankruptcy Litigation: How the Totally Honest Get Censored!

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Agent of Nick Brain: Center/Right Winger - Winnipeg Aurora
Agent of John Torrance: Advisor to the General Manager - Winnipeg Aurora
Agent of Anatoli Terrorov: Head Coach - Colorado Raptors

Nick Brain Player Profile: http://simulationhockey.com/showthread.php?tid=91326
Nick Brain Update Thread: http://simulationhockey.com/showthread.php?tid=91332
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#2

I realized a few things from this article.

1. Nick Brain is an asshole
2. Maybe I should have traded Brain to Halifax with this nonsense.
3. Sanyi Kocsis should call Brainer and refer him to Kosher's therapist.

Platoon Elk Elk Platoon
Argonauts Argonauts
PlatoonGermanyRaptors

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Thank you karey, OrbitingDeath Ragnar, and sköldpaddor for sigs! 
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#3

11:55 PM: Pulls out bag of beef jerky and queues up a good porno flick.
12:15 AM: Passes out on the couch.
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2:08 PM: Peels jerky strips off inner thighs, and replaces in bag.
2:10 PM: Queues up a good porno flick.

[Image: 4sN9yMR.png]


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#4

Still yet to beat the best smash player in SHL

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Sig Credit: Flappy (EVO) and Skolpaddor (RESO)

EMEKA VALENTINE-OKOLI/PLAYER

First SMJHL Goal: Colorado Raptors, Emeka Valentine-Okoli 1 (Mikelis Ozoliņš 4, Loki Odinsson 3) at 3:12, 2nd Period (GWG) / SMJHL S47 Game 47 Day 12: Colorado Raptors vs Detroit Falcons
First SHL Goal: Texas Renegades, Emeka Valentine-Okoli 1 (Josef Kubinec 5, Ricky Spanish 4) at 16:23, 2nd Period / SHL S51 Game 71 Day 16: Edmonton Blizzard vs Texas Renegades

Eternal RaptorsRaptors Old, onwards we roll Rage

And Let's Retire at the Pinnacle
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