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Leoben · 07-14-2019, 07:30 PM

Ready for grading. 1600 words or so.

Welcome to the Season 48 SMJHL Charity Race! Each junior team will sponsor two players to drive a car around a track. Each team will be racing for a charity of their choosing will all of the winnings going to said charity. This is the first race of its kind and while most of the teams are used to fielding hockey teams, they will be fielding a racing team this weekend. Players not driving will be on the pit crews for their teams. The race will be taking place at Circuit of the Americas in Austin, Texas.

[Image: COTA-Karting-aerial-1018.jpg]

Let's get a look at the teams and drivers for this race.

Anaheim Outlaws

Engine: Toyota
Drivers: Leonid Kofix (@Smirnov Light) and Corey Kennedy (@SDCore)

Anchorage Armada

Engine: Mercedes
Drivers: Elijah Jones (@Toivo) and Olivier Cloutier (@Jenny)

Colorado Raptors

Engine: Renault
Drivers: Bo Kane (@NONAME) and Eric Vanderberg (@Vandy)

Detroit Falcons

Engine: Ferrari
Drivers: Marc Palicka Junior (@BaseScoutX1) and Khal Valhalla (@King)

Halifax Raiders

Engine: Renault
Drivers: Cody (@Winter is Coming) and Esa Parmborg (@Steelhead77)

Kelowna Knights

Engine: 1997 Geo Tracker
Drivers: Bobby Lane (@Rich) and Raquel Gutierrez (@Jiggly_333)

Lethbridge Lions

Engine: Ford
Drivers: Cal Clucker (@austin623) and Nolan McMahon (@Reynolds)

Montreal Militia

Engine: Ferrari
Drivers: Conor Tanner (@Keygan) and Oliver Klozoff (@Alex Mack)

St. Louis Scarecrows

Engine: Mercedes
Drivers: Mika Kandinsky (@Mika_Kandinsky) and Jakub Bruchevski (@JaytheGreat)

Vancouver Whalers

Engine: Honda
Drivers: Artem Mozgov (@diacope) and Jan Zacha (@StaticShocked)

Qualifying took place yesterday and the grid is scattered aside from the top two rows. St. Louis will start in the front row and Anaheim have locked out the second row. It starts to get interesting in the midfield after that. Kelowna failed to qualify and will be starting from the pit. They shouldn't be too discouraged as drivers have had success starting from the pits in the past. Let's take a look at the grid before the race gets underway.

1. Mika Kandinsky - Scarecrows

2. Jakub Bruchevski - Scarecrows

3. Leonid Kofix - Outlaws

4. Corey Kennedy - Outlaws

5. Khal Valhalla - Falcons

6. Conor Tanner - Militia

7. Cody - raiders

8. Bo Kane - Raptors

9. Artem Mozgov - Whalers

10. Jan Zacha - Whalers

11. Olivier Cloutier - Armada

12. Marc Palicka Junior - Falcons

13. Esa Parmborg - raiders

14. Elijah Jones - Armada

15. Oliver Klozoff - Militia

16. Cal Clucker - Lions

17. Eric Vanderburg - Raptors

18. Nolan McMahon - Lions

19. Raquel Gutierrez - Knights

20. Bobby Lane - Knights

And everyone has just completed the formation lap and it looks like the lights are ready to go out and get this race going.

Wait a second. Conor Tanner has just jumped out of his car. That's incredibly dangerous! He's taking his helmet off. He's pointing at Valhalla's car now. He's signaling for a tape measure. Is...is he implying that Valhalla's car might be illegal? This is terrible news at a charity event. It looks like this race will be postponed while the stewards investigate. Hold on. Is that Willy Mack? (@Mack) What the bloody hell is he doing here? He's not even in the damn race. He's got a wrench in his hand and he's not waiting for the stewards. Mack and Tanner are pulling Valhalla from his car and they are bludgeoning him with the wrench. Dammit! We need to get someone out here.

It looks like the stewards have deemed that Valhalla's car is legal but Valhalla is refusing to drive now. He's asking for a microphone to address the fans.

Khal Valhalla: I'd like to announce my retirement.

Okay then. Well it looks Detroit need to find another driver but they better do it quick. Here comes someone now, and he's already in Detroit's jumpsuit. He's very peculiar looking though with this mustache and glasses. Let's see what we can find out about him.

Stranger: My name's Val Khalhalla. I volunteer to drive for Detroit.

Conor Tanner: This is clearly just Khal Valhalla in a mask. Look at him.

Stewards: No...we don't think that's him.

Val: I do not know Khal Valhalla. I'm Val. I just joined the team.

[Image: 175745]

Willy Mack: Look it's cool. Just say who you are and that you did some shady stuff and move on.

Val: I'd like to announce my retirement.

Stewards: Okay good luck.

Folks I don't know what's going on here but these fans paid to see a race.

10 minutes later...

Okay and the grid is cleared and it looks like we are finally ready to get this thing started. Conor Tanner will still start in 6th place despite the 5th place spot being open. That's a rule for some reason. And the lights are getting ready to go out and here we go!

[Image: 047606512120dc89335a1645f7682635.jpg]

[Image: 047606512120dc89335a1645f7682635.jpg]

Terrific start by Kandinsky and Bruchevski. Kennedy manages to pass Kofix on the first turn and Tanner is right behind him. Bo Kane slips past Cody as Zacha and Mozgov go wheel to wheel! Nolan McMahon manages to get up to 13th place as he sneaks by Parmborg. What a start from him. And here come the Knights now as they will have a ways to go to catch up to the rest of the pack.

Oh no there's a crash up front. It's one of the Outlaws. Oh no and a Raptor car has gone off too. It's Bo Kane. Their day is already over.

[Image: Grosjean-crash-02-cr-1624-default-large.jpeg]

[Image: Grosjean-crash-02-cr-1624-default-large.jpeg]

That's unfortunate. But check out the Armada now as they have managed to double team both Whalers. In that ruckus Elijah Jones slipped up behind Cloutier and they both made quick work of Mozgov and Zacha using the slingshot technique from Talladega Nights. Here's a look inside Jones' cockpit now.

[Image: af610bcd_cf6d_41c9_a71f_dce301c652dc_text_hi.gif]

[Image: af610bcd_cf6d_41c9_a71f_dce301c652dc_text_hi.gif]

Oh dear and it looks like the Knights' cars about about to be a lapped already as Lane and Gutierrez are struggling to stay on pace.

[Image: cate-eric-rbri-2014-1.jpg]

What in the world is that on the front of their car? It looks like a willy.

Let's get a look at the grid after the first 20 laps.

1. Mika Kandinsky - Scarecrows

2. Jakub Bruchevski - Scarecrows

3. Corey Kennedy - Outlaws

4. Conor Tanner - Militia

5. Cody - raiders

6. Elijah Jones - Armada

7. Olivier Cloutier - Armada

8. Artem Mozgov - Whalers

9. Jan Zacha - Whalers

10. Marc Palicka Junior - Falcons

11. Nolan McMahon - Lions

12. Esa Parmborg - raiders

13. Oliver Klozoff - Militia

14. Cal Clucker - Lions

15. Eric Vanderburg - Raptors

16. Raquel Gutierrez - Knights

17. Bobby Lane - Knights

18. Bo Kane - Raptors

(OUT)
19. Leonid Kofix - Outlaws

(OUT)
20. Khal Valhalla - Falcons

(OUT)

And it looks like we are ready for our first round of pit stops.

Cody comes in first and everything looks good. Woops, one of the tires wasn't secure and took out a camera man!

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Cody will have to drag the car around on three wheels to get another one. Hopefully the camera guy is okay.

Here comes Conor Tanner now.

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Well that could have went better.

Oh no! It looks like all of Elijah Jones' hard work has been for nothing as he will have to come back into the pits. They mismatched his tires!

[Image: 25c2880693020d48b219d35752eafe64.jpg]

[Image: 25c2880693020d48b219d35752eafe64.jpg]

With all this chaos in the pits it still isn't enough to help the Knights get even close to the other back-markers.

Cloutier and Tanner are in a battle for fourth place now and this could get interesting. Anchorage have performed very well in this race so far but Olivier will want to be careful without Jones there as backup.

[Image: d88da899a0e02cb7e8dc09f79313f7fe.jpg]

[Image: d88da899a0e02cb7e8dc09f79313f7fe.jpg]

Meanwhile up front is looks like St. Louis are letting their drivers actually race which is a little dangerous. They have everything to lose and no! Kandinksly didn't want to give enough space to Bruchevski and they are both out!

[Image: d03ger787.jpg]

Corey Kennedy is in full control of this race as Tanner and Cloutier duke it in behind him.

And Kennedy just lapped the Knights again.

Wait a second. Is that...Khal Valhalla? Khal Valhalla is back but he's not in a car! He's running into oncoming traffic. Folks this is incredibly dangerous. As slow as Bobby Lane's car is, he almost just vaporized Khal. Let's see if we have any footage to show you.

[Image: MessyIcyHarpseal-max-1mb.gif]

It looks like the stewards have got him under control now.

I don't know what's going to happen next. This race has had a bit of everything.

It looks like we are ready for the second round of pits as there are only fifteen laps to go. I expect everyone on the two stop strategy to switch onto the softer tires here to give it one last go. Let's see how the grid is as we get ready to close this race out.

1. Corey Kennedy - Outlaws

2. Conor Tanner - Militia

3. Olivier Cloutier - Armada

4. Artem Mozgov - Whalers

5. Jan Zacha - Whalers

6. Marc Palicka Junior - Falcons

7. Nolan McMahon - Lions

8. Esa Parmborg - raiders

9. Oliver Klozoff - Militia

10. Cody - raiders

11. Cal Clucker - Lions

12. Elijah Jones - Armada

13. Eric Vanderburg - Raptors

14. Raquel Gutierrez - Knights

15. Bobby Lane - Knights

16. Mika Kandinsky - Scarecrows

(OUT)
17. Jakub Bruchevski - Scarecrows

(OUT)
18. Bo Kane - Raptors

(OUT)
19. Leonid Kofix - Outlaws

(OUT)
20. Khal Valhalla - Falcons

(OUT)

The top three are still neck and neck as we get ready to end this thing. Ten laps to go now and it's going to come down to the wire!

No!!! Kennedy and Tanner collide and Cloutier crashed into them. Thus setting off a chain reaction. We have a thirteen car pileup here as this thing comes to a close. Everyone is out!

[Image: image16x9.img.1536.high.jpg]

That means there are only two drivers left in the race. Raquel Gutierrez and Bobby Lane! They still have forty laps to complete but unless something goes terribly wrong Kelowna are going to win!

Three hours later...

Raquel Gutierrez has won the 2019 SMJHL Charity Race with Bobby Lane coming in second! Raquel will get to donate her winnings of 200,000 SHL dollars to a charity of her choosing.

Congratulations to Kelowna.

Well this race was certainly eventful and I look forward to the next edition. Until then, enjoy the playoffs.

*NONAME* · 07-14-2019, 09:40 PM

Guess I need to stick to hockey

Mack · 07-14-2019, 10:13 PM

You rock man. Great stuff, I am cheering you on always!

Jiggly_333 · 07-15-2019, 01:32 AM

07-14-2019, 07:30 PMMarc Bradford Wrote:

What in the world is that on the front of their car? It looks like a willy.

It's Rocky's strap-on. Get fucked.

07-14-2019, 07:30 PMMarc Bradford Wrote: Raquel Gutierrez has won the 2019 SMJHL Charity Race with Bobby Lane coming in second! Raquel will get to donate her winnings of 200,000 SHL dollars to a charity of her choosing.

Congratulations to Kelowna.

The ACLU just got a bunch of fake money!