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Tracking Spreadsheet

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SHL S49 Game 159 - LAP @ CHI

SHL Game 159 Advanced Taterlytics Report:
Posessor: Florence Clijsters @enigmatic
Team: Los Angeles Panthers
Victim: Corey Kennedy @SDCore
Team: Chicago Syndicate
Time: 15:26 of 1st period
Total possession time: 15:26
Hot po-take-to:
Almost three and a half games it took for the anti-Potato antibiotics to kick in for Clijsters. The LA Panthers staff was rumored to be calling specialized doctors and botanists in foreign countries in order to get something, anything that would help her stabilize. Almost a week worth of nights spent behind a locked locker room door where screaming could be heard around the Panther’s arena early into the morning. The medical staff was trying very experimental procedures in order to rid Clijsters once and for all from this cursed Potato. When all seemed lost, one clever botanist from Europe called LA’s medical staff. “Have you tried salt?” The staff scoffed. Salt? Like that would work. However, as symptoms worsened, they proceeded to try it anyway. Who knew that Potatoes and snails share a similar hatred of salt? The Potato was seen jumping before the check was even thrown, right down the pants of Corey Kennedy.

SHL Game 159 Advanced Taterlytics Report:
Posessor: Corey Kennedy @SDCore
Team: Chicago Syndicate
Victim: N/A
Team: Los Angeles Panthers
Time: N/A
Total possession time: 49:34
Hot po-take-to:
Ah, Corey Kennedy. Where to begin. One of the favorites to win rookie of the year before the season began, Corey has been off to a slow start. Putting up a measly 6 points in 21 games while having an abysmal .28 points per 20, maybe the Potato will light a fire under Kennedy’s ass. The coaches have been riding him for his horrendous play and he’s been a non-factor in the offensive zone. The final 49 minutes of this game, Corey again put up no points and had a boring stat line. Yawn. He even got the most power play minutes on the team and was unable to capitalize on the fortunate circumstances. Can Corey get any worse? Perhaps two negatives make a positive in terms of Corey’s play and holding the Potato? We won’t hold our breath for him to right the sinking ship that is his rookie of the year campaign.

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SHL S49 Game 165 - CHI @ NEW

SHL Game 165 Advanced Taterlytics Report:
Posessor: Corey Kennedy @SDCore
Team: Chicago Syndicate
Victim: N/A
Team: New England Wolfpack
Time: N/A
Total possession time: 1:00:00
Hot po-take-to:
Corey wasn’t able to hand off the Potato this game, but perhaps he won’t want to after his decent performance in a relatively uninspired loss by Chicago. He was one of the lone bright spots on the team, tallying an assist while quarterbacking the power play to bring the game within one midway through the third period. He had a +/- of 0 and was able to kill off the ~90 seconds of penalty kill time he was tasked with. An overall solid night for the rookie. The Potato works in mysterious ways. Maybe this is what Kennedy needed to light a spark in his game. A hot Spud down his pants. It wouldn’t work for me, or 99% of people, but who are we to judge Corey’s fetishes?

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