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Tracking Spreadsheet

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SHL S49 Game 319 - TOR @ HAM

SHL Game 319 Advanced Taterlytics Report:
Posessor: Joseph Laraque @blix900
Team: Toronto North Stars
Victim: N/A
Team: Hamilton Steelhawks
Time: N/A
Total possession time:  1:00:00
Hot po-take-to:
Laraque is well on his way to becoming the first Potato Emperor of the SHL. He came to the rink being carried by four burly men sitting atop a Potato throne that would rival the Iron Throne itself. Built entirely of all varieties of cooked and uncooked potatoes, it was truly a site to behold. He also had a scepter which was adorned with, yup you guessed it, the Almighty Potato. He used this scepter in place of his stick, which went about as well as you’d expect. His chirps mainly consisted of the words “dirty peasant” used in a plethora of different ways. Laraque seems to be drunk with power.

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SHL S49 Game 327 - SFP @ TOR

SHL Game 327 Advanced Taterlytics Report:
Posessor: Joseph Laraque @blix900
Team: Toronto North Stars
Victim: Daniel Karlsson @dankoa
Team: San Francisco Pride
Time: 16:22 of 3rd period
Total possession time:  56:22
Hot po-take-to:
Laraque decreed that everyone now refer to him as Emperor Laraque when addressing him, lest they want to be smote by his Potato scepter. This is getting out of hand and i fear the SHL head office might have to do something soon should Emperor Laraque continue to hold onto the Potato. Luckily, similar to quite a few power hungry characters in both fiction and history, hubris would turn out to be Emperor Laraque’s downfall to the relief of the SHL head office, players, and fans. Instead of him actually playing, he just shouted at the opposition to do as he commanded. One brave individual had enough by the end of this game and decided to do something about it. Daniel Karlsson tricked Emperor Laraque into quickly moving to get off the ice and jumped in front of him, taking the hit on the chin and thus vanquishing a madman.

SHL Game 327 Advanced Taterlytics Report:
Posessor: Daniel Karlsson @dankoa
Team: San Francisco Pride
Victim: N/A
Team: Toronto North Stars
Time: N/A
Total possession time:  3:38
Hot po-take-to:
As Karlsson took the hit from Laraque, the crowd cheered and the players from both teams celebrated as if they won the Cup. He was hailed as a hero for stopping the tyranny of the first Potato Emperor and restoring peace to the SHL. In honor of his brave deed, the SHL decided that every year on August 27th they would throw a huge celebration and have a parade through the streets on San Francisco. The beautiful irony in this is that Karlsson is getting everything Laraque dreamed of without being a dick. Serves you right. Truly a hero is Karlsson and he will be celebrated as one for the rest of his days.

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