07-20-2017, 05:10 PM
Preparing for the Four Star Cup, Vancouver Whalers defenseman Chippy Chiclets met briefly with his parents and received some devastating news.
"We met for poutine and planned to see the city, but they dropped a bombshell on me. Turns out, I'm not their son, and I might not even be American."
Chiclets, the former Bradley University star who has played a strong season defensively on the 2nd pairing for the Whalers, has always taken pride in his American heritage.
"I love the States. I love hot dogs, Ol' Glory, and blowing shit up. But I need to discover my heritage. I need to know who I am."
Chippy Chiclets confided in me that he plans to take a DNA Test to determine what nationality he is. I had a chance to ask him about all of the IIHF teams and where he might want to end up.
"This is very strange for you to ask of me, Dick. I mean, I just figured out that I have no national identity, but because you're uncomfortably close to me, and I need to answer this question before you'll untie me, I guess I'll give it a whirl."
NOTE TO IIHF COMMISSIONERS, CHIPPY HAS NOT DECLARED FOR ANY NATION, AND THIS IS NOT A TRANSFER
Team Austria
It looks like you have a super strong corps of defensemen. Not necessarily by number, but by TPE. It could take me awhile to break in here. But I'd take pride in my Austrian heritage, and would like to play for your country.
Team Canada
Canada was the first team to reach out to me after the news broke. I'm finding it difficult to figure out your roster, but I have been told I can come in a few seasons and fight for a bottom spot. While I think of you as America's hat, I have had a great time in Vancouver and wouldn't be opposed to playing for you. Your lack of organization on your IIHF page is concerning.
Team Czechoslovakia
I love the management here. But you have a lot of defensemen. So, maybe?
Team Finland
No.
Team Germany
Kit is a great guy, but no.
Team Ireland
I've always admired the Irish. The culture. The drinking. The beards. Chippy would fit in here, and I only count 6 defenseman. Chippy would be happy to fight for a spot.
Team Latvia
I'm pretty sure at one point this team was actually all Latvians. I'm not going to break that up. No.
Team Norway
No.
Team Russia
Pris is cool, but you have the same problem as Canada: way too many roster players. I'm looking for a team where I can make an impact, least make it onto the roster in 3-5 seasons. Is that Russia? You tell me.
Team Sweden
I'm very proud of my history with Team Sweden, and my mentor, Niklas Wikstrom's role as coach for a few seasons. But I'm looking for some different scenery. Plus that teams already got a Whiki, it would be unfair to the rest of the international community to hoard us.
Team UK
No.
Team US
I love my home country, but BAH GAWD is there a line to get playing time.
"We met for poutine and planned to see the city, but they dropped a bombshell on me. Turns out, I'm not their son, and I might not even be American."
Chiclets, the former Bradley University star who has played a strong season defensively on the 2nd pairing for the Whalers, has always taken pride in his American heritage.
"I love the States. I love hot dogs, Ol' Glory, and blowing shit up. But I need to discover my heritage. I need to know who I am."
Chippy Chiclets confided in me that he plans to take a DNA Test to determine what nationality he is. I had a chance to ask him about all of the IIHF teams and where he might want to end up.
"This is very strange for you to ask of me, Dick. I mean, I just figured out that I have no national identity, but because you're uncomfortably close to me, and I need to answer this question before you'll untie me, I guess I'll give it a whirl."
NOTE TO IIHF COMMISSIONERS, CHIPPY HAS NOT DECLARED FOR ANY NATION, AND THIS IS NOT A TRANSFER
Team Austria
It looks like you have a super strong corps of defensemen. Not necessarily by number, but by TPE. It could take me awhile to break in here. But I'd take pride in my Austrian heritage, and would like to play for your country.
Team Canada
Canada was the first team to reach out to me after the news broke. I'm finding it difficult to figure out your roster, but I have been told I can come in a few seasons and fight for a bottom spot. While I think of you as America's hat, I have had a great time in Vancouver and wouldn't be opposed to playing for you. Your lack of organization on your IIHF page is concerning.
Team Czechoslovakia
I love the management here. But you have a lot of defensemen. So, maybe?
Team Finland
No.
Team Germany
Kit is a great guy, but no.
Team Ireland
I've always admired the Irish. The culture. The drinking. The beards. Chippy would fit in here, and I only count 6 defenseman. Chippy would be happy to fight for a spot.
Team Latvia
I'm pretty sure at one point this team was actually all Latvians. I'm not going to break that up. No.
Team Norway
No.
Team Russia
Pris is cool, but you have the same problem as Canada: way too many roster players. I'm looking for a team where I can make an impact, least make it onto the roster in 3-5 seasons. Is that Russia? You tell me.
Team Sweden
I'm very proud of my history with Team Sweden, and my mentor, Niklas Wikstrom's role as coach for a few seasons. But I'm looking for some different scenery. Plus that teams already got a Whiki, it would be unfair to the rest of the international community to hoard us.
Team UK
No.
Team US
I love my home country, but BAH GAWD is there a line to get playing time.
Code:
Seriously, message me if you want me on your team.
525 words
didn't want you anyway *sob*