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- Durden - 02-02-2016
So, I’ve been working on this for a couple of weeks now, and it’s finally ready to be shared with the world. Read it, or don’t. I don’t care. It’s finally done.
Bitch better have my money.
What would you do if you were the one survivor in a plane crash?
That’s a really depressing question… To be honest, it really depends on if I was the only PERSON on the plane, or just the only survivor. I’d have to take as much as I could from the plane, like pillows and blankets and the cushions, and then I’d make a fort out of them. I mean, who the hell doesn’t want to make a blanket fort on an island? I guess after that I’d try to find food and get rescued… but blanket fort is the number one priority.
What's your favorite 90s jam?
Oh back in the 90s I was just a wee youngin. I turned 4 in 1990, so I didn’t have a ton of jams back then… I’ve kind of always been partial to grape. Strawberry has really grown on me lately, but definitely grape when I was younger. Oh… you meant music? Uh… I guess for a JAMMING song, I’d just go straight up with Pump Up the Jam by Technotronic. I remember the video where they played pool and danced around. Such a sweet song.
If you woke up and had 2,000 unread emails and could only answer 300 of them how would you choose which ones to answer?
I’d go through and filter out anything that said “free†because I know that’s just not happening. Then I’d filter out “Nigerian Prince†and “localâ€. Nothing good happens near me, or with princes. I’d look at anything from family and special offers. I can’t pass up a good deal.
Who would win in a fight between Spiderman and Batman?
I’m super partial to Batman. I get he doesn’t have any “powers†like Spiderman does, but Spiderman is just lame… bitten by a spider, cashes in with the news, always has stupid jokes. I dunno, I can’t help but think he’s a little bitch who needs a reality check. Batman all the way.
If you had a machine that produced $100 dollars for life what would you be willing to pay for it today?
It makes only $100 dollars for LIFE? That’s pretty garbage. If it did $100 a day, that’s still barely enough to live on. Who thought of this stupid question? Do I HAVE to pay for it? Because I just wouldn’t pay for it. Why can’t I just have it? Is it your machine? Where did this thing come from? Is there just one of these? I have so many questions and you’re a really bad interviewer. Think out your questions more carefully next time or I won’t be doing another interview with you. You scrub.
What did you have for breakfast?
I had a bagel with cream cheese, hash browns and a donut. I was really hungry this morning and had time to actually eat something. Why do you wanna know?
Describe the color yellow to somebody who's blind.
It’s the feel of the sunshine on your face on a cool fall day. It’s when you put your hand over a candle and it starts to lick up your hand.
"If you were asked to unload a 747 full of jelly beans, what would you do?
I would fly that sum bitch up to thirty thousand feet and drop all of them jelly beans over Kansas. Kansas needs some jelly beans. Everyone forgets about them.
How many people flew out of Chicago last year?
A lot. If I had to guess, I’d say… more than 8. But less than 10 billion. I’m pretty sure that’s a good guess. I hear Chicago is nice. I don’t know why everyone would want to be flying OUT of Chicago
Who's your favorite Disney Princess?
Oh man. Probably Ariel. She’s a babe. I love those red-heads. I’d rather take her when she has legs and no voice. It’d be weird to try and flirt with a half fist girl… and with her not being able to talk, that’s just a bonus. Plus she’s collected all that shipwrecked stuff, it’s gotta be worth something. I bet she’s got stuff from the Titanic. She’s the kinda girl that would do that.
On average, how many times a week do you hurt yourself trying to dance in the shower?
Never, I’m a shower dancing pro. It’s when I stop dancing and try to act normal that I hurt myself. Water is slippery.
What’s the most money you’ve ever drunkenly spent at McDonald’s?
None? Who eats McDonalds anymore? We’ve got BACONATORS at Wendys. And KFC and Taco Bell. Who would waste their money on a bland cheeseburger? I don’t care how drunk I get, you can’t make me eat that stuff when I have other options. You’re stupid.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how intolerable do you find baby pictures on Facebook?
10. I don’t care about your child. They look like a lump of flesh until they’re 3. They’re not cute, or special, or interesting. They’re a drain on resources and completely dependent on someone else until they’re at least 13. Just adopt a 17 year old if you want to have some kind of responsibility.
How many bowls of cereal do you eat every single day and why aren’t you eating more?
Like… One. Maybe. Too much fiber is a bad thing. And I’m really bad at keeping milk around the house. But now I want Lucky Charms. Buy me a bag of just the marshmallows and I’ll eat only cereal for a long time.
Who would you let punch you directly in the face?
Depends on what I got out of it. Just a bruise or a bloody lip? Nah, I’ll pass. I get to punch you or kick you in the nuts or get money? Sure. I’ll take a punch for some bills.
How many days have you gone without showering?
Like, right now? Two? Summer of 2005 was a special time for not showering though. No reason to go anywhere led to a lot of days of deodorant and cologne. It masks the smell well enough for a week or so.
How old were you when you realized Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny probably never actually knew one another in real life?
I was probably seven or eight. I realized that my mom always hid the eggs around the house and conveniently put them in places where you might hurt yourself. In the trash compactor, in the garbage disposal, in my grandmas coal stove. I think she was trying to kill the Easter Bunny when he came looking for his stuff. I always assumed the Easter Bunny was just really smart because he tricked me into finding them instead and never had to get burned. He was always a douche though. I’d finally find all the eggs and then he’d just ask for them back to do it again next year.
Can you fit your whole fist in your mouth?
No. I think, (despite everything I heard growing up) that my mouth is just too small. My hands aren’t big, so I think it’s just gotta be a small mouth thing. Who really wants to put their fist in their mouth anyways? Do you know where your hands have been? That’s gross man. You need to re-think your life at this point if you’re just running around putting your fist in your mouth.
What’s your favorite flavor of Skittle?
Purple flavor. I really just shove half the bag in my mouth and (try to) chew and drool all over the place.
How many sandwiches have you eaten off the floor?
In my life? Probably 3. That I know of. Man, I spend a lot of time on my sandwiches. Why would I waste a perfectly good sandwich? That thing took me at LEAST five minutes to make. I’m gonna eat that thing.
How many bottles of wine have you finished without ever actually pouring any of the wine into a glass?
None. I don’t enjoy wine. Being Italian, it’s a shame that I don’t, but it’s just not my thing. Sweet wine is alright but I’d rather just drink something else instead. I’ve played slap the bag if that counts. Didn’t ever get into a class.
Who was your favorite Power Ranger?
Tommy. Duh. Started out as the green ranger, stuff got to his head and he went craaaaazy, and then he became “pure†and turned into the white ranger. And that dagger whistle he had as the green ranger that summoned that lizard thing. HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME. I’ve always wanted that dagger. Thanks for reminding me that I don’t have it. Jerk.
What did you do the night Whitney Houston died?
Ya know what I DIDN’T do? I didn’t get hopped up on drugs and drown my own bathtub. That would just be stupid. I mean, how does that even happen? Are you so jaded with your awesome fancy life that you can’t just enjoy things and have to DROWN IN A BATHTUB? That’s just stupid. Go do normal drugs like weed and eat Taco Bell on your couch like a normal person. Sheeeeesh.
How many donuts are you capable of eating in one sitting?
Probably 6. I wanna say I could eat a dozen, but I know I need to watch my figure. I’ve got tryouts coming up soon. I gotta stay sexy and fit or else I won’t get the job.
Who was your favorite Spice Girl?
Baby Spice. She was cute and blonde. I never understood those people that liked Scary Spice… do you WANT to have a strap-on used on you? Because that’s how you get a strap-on used on you. If Baby Spice wasn’t available, I’d definitely hit up Posh. She was a gem. If she’s kept Beckham around this long, she’s gotta be doing something right. I’d take my chances.
How violently do you have to fight the urge to scream when you hear the ice cream truck coming?
Why would I fight the urge? I scream out like a little girl. That truck makes me snap back to when I was four. Plus ice-cream, ya know?
Say there’s like a whole box of Teddy Grahams in a room all by themselves. Say I left them there and told you not to eat any until I got back. How long would it take you to disobey my wishes?
Well if it’s YOU, I’m doing what I want. If they’re chocolate and there, I’m eating them. If it’s someone I need to impress or actually care about, I’ll leave them alone. But seriously. Don’t you dare tell me what to do. Especially when it comes to Teddy Grahams.
How many Taylor Swift songs do you actually listen to every single day?
Every day? None now that it’s not summer and she’s on the radio every 5 seconds. If I put something on YouTube, I’ll listen for about 4 songs before I realize what happened and shut it off. Then I turn on some Devi Lovato or Selena Gomez. I like T Swift, but I gotta share the love with my babes. They deserve my ears too, ya know?
How long after you feel full do you keep eating for?
Probably another 5 minutes or so. I know I’m full, but most of the time, the food’s too good for me to stop eating. Gimme a steak or shrimp, I’m eating until they’re gone. I don’t care how full I am, or how many times I puke on my bib. I’m eating and eating. Shrimp scampi? Don’t mind if I do. All of them.
How many hours after getting paid does it take you to spend your entire paycheck?
Negative hours. My paycheck’s gone before I get it. I was told there’s this “savings†thing but I really don’t understand the concept. Why would I just leave money sitting around unspent? Isn’t the point of making money to spend it on myself?
Do you agree that Harry Potter was a huge asshole and probably the least exciting character in the entire series? Like, he spent seven years terrorizing his friends with his own problems, ya know? They had their own shit going on and here comes Harry Fucking Potter just fucking shit up left and right? They had lives, too. They all had lives, Harry. IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.
I’ll have what you’re having.
How many people do you fall in love with every day?
Depends on how often I look in the mirror. I mean… once? Twice? I don’t see the point of falling in love with someone that I see randomly throughout the day. Now if you change the question to “how many people do you mind-bone every day†the number would go up. Wayyyy up. I can’t even count that high. And I can count to 100. Yes, my mom’s proud. Thanks for asking.
How many friendships have you ruined because you refused to play a game of Monopoly mercifully?
Probably at least a few. I get that Monopoly is a lot of luck and a little bit of strategy, but come on. When you land on Park Place and I’ve got 2 hotels, you better believe I’m taking everything you have and then some. I don’t have time for you to try and trade with other players and figure it out. You lost. Why should I be nice because you suck at a board game? Not my problem.
What do you do when a baby just stares at you in public? Like, doesn’t even blink, just maintains intense, aggressive eye contact with their dumb baby face. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO IN THIS SITUATION?
I’d have a staring contest with that little prick. And after I win, I’m gonna rub it in its stupid little baby face. And then I’m gonna remind its parents that it’s a stupid, chubby not-special snowflake. It can’t even win a staring contest and it’s slept for 20 of the last 24 hours. I’m working on being up for three days straight and I still won. What a little wuss.
What is your favorite kind of cookie?
Free cookies. I love anything with lemon in them. But I really like Milano cookies too… and peanut butter cookies. And sugar cookies with a lot of frosting or icing on them. Let’s just get it straight that I’m a fat kid that likes his cookies damnit.
How long do you wait after finishing your first plate of food before getting a second plate of food?
About 3 minutes. I wait to see if anyone else is going to be as fat as me, and then I realize that I don’t care and get more food. Then I complain and whine about how I’m the fat kid at the table and that I’m too full.
When you’re at a buffet, how many trays of food do you start off with?
Just one, but it’s really full. I try to get as much as I can because I hate going back and forth. But it always ends up being the case that someone I’m with gets something that looks really good, so I have to go get all the stuff I missed the first time.
What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever unintentionally vomited?
I don’t know if I’ve ever unintentionally vomited anywhere that’s interesting. I’ve been drunk and puked in the woods or in the toilet before… but nowhere interesting. Nothing like “in someone’s shoe that I had a crush on†or anything fun like that.
What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever intentionally vomited?
Again, nowhere weird. I do remember my 21st birthday and my meeting up with Goldschlager… and then kicking it out all over the toilet… that my buddy ended up cleaning up for me. Wasn’t even his house.
If I gave you $10 bucks to go buy me chocolate milk, and it only cost $3, would you bring me all the change or would you tell me it was actually $10? Because I’ll know. I’ll know chocolate milk doesn’t cost that much.
I’d buy myself something with your money while I was at the store. Like, something reasonable though. Like a candy bar or a bag of chips or a drink or something. I mean, I’m doing you a favor so I’m going to get something out of it, but I’m not gonna be a complete dick and steal all of your money. Chocolate milk doesn’t cost ten bucks.
How many seconds would it take you to eat this entire block of cheese?
I can’t… see… that block of cheese. I mean, if it was like… a regular block of cheese, probably a couple minutes. Depends on how hungry I am. Cheese is dense. Do I get to drink anything with it? I could probably do it in like… a minute if I wasn’t thinking about how gross eating an entire block of cheese is.
Have you ever found the image of a biblical figure on a piece of toast?
No. That’s just stupid. However I am tempted to buy the one that burns Darth Vader into your toast. He’s a cool dude.
How long does it take you to scroll through Facebook before giving up?
Usually about 30 seconds. People are boring. Half the stuff that gets put on there are re-posts from reddit, or babies, or other things I don’t care about. Gimme the hot girls and the new videos I haven’t already seen. Then we’re talkin.
Who do you just hate the most?
Mouth-breathers. I’m lumping them all together. How hard is it for you to breathe through your nose? Quietly. Seriously. It’s not difficult. No one wants to hear you breathing, or wheezing, or that low moaning you do and you don’t realize that you’re doing because you’re so fat and out of shape and out of touch with the world.
Allen is bae. :wub:
Do you think Zac Efron is really nice in real life or does he just walk around with his abs out telling people to go fetch him vegetables?
I think he’s probably a cool dude. He’s gotta be one of those passive and nonchalant people that’s like… yeah, I’m cool, but whatever. Doesn’t matter who I am. Now take your clothes off.
What’s your favorite thing to order from the Olive Garden?
Tour of Italy. I’ve told you before, I’m a fat kid. When I go out to places like this, they have a lot of good food, and I want it all. So I take the next best thing and get the package deal. That and the potato and sausage soup. It’s uh-maze-ing.
How many times does it take for you to listen to a song that you love before you actually hate it instead?
Depends on the song. I’ve had it happen after about 4 times of listening, and some takes up to 20 times. Some I get lucky with and I don’t get sick of it. It’s rare, but it happens.
Do you ever stop and think about the number of butts in the world? Like. Woah. Am I right?
It’s more fun to think about the number of nipples in the world. I mean think about it. Each human has two. Even dudes. Then you have to think about all the cats and dogs and cows and shit that have like… six or eight. That’s a LOT of nipples. Nipples out numbers the amount of people we have on this planet. That’s pretty freaky.
Have you ever started petting a really fluffy dog and just gotten very overwhelmed by how fluffy this dog is?
No. What the hell are you talking about?
What do you think cats dream about?
World domination. It’s the only logical answer. They don’t care about their owners, and they just want to be left alone. Unless they need something done that they can’t do because they don’t have opposable thumbs. They have to spend all that time in those cardboard boxes just dreaming about the desolate landscape of catnip and fallen buildings and the corpses of their enslaving humans strewn about. That’s exactly why I’m a dog person.
What was your opinion of the film Blair Witch Project?
It was terrible. It wasn’t very scary, and all it did was make me get motion sickness and make me want to puke everywhere. I will give it credit that it was new and fun for the times, but I wouldn’t enjoy another movie filmed in that style.
What is the wildest thing you have done?
I once had two Smirnoff Ice’s in one night. It was a craaaaazy time man. You had to have been there.
What cartoon character would you be and why?
Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes. Imaginative, and he just didn’t care about consequences and made everything fun. Plus, he invented Calvinball, which has to be the best game ever thought of. I wish more people played Calvinball so that we could start a league of some sort.
You have 17 red and 17 blue balls, and you remove 2 at a time. If the two are the same color, add in one extra blue ball. If they are different colors, add in an extra red ball. What color is the final ball removed?
Red. It doesn’t really matter how it goes throughout the process, but you’ll always end up with a red ball at the end. Don’t try to trick me with your stupid logic, I’m a master of many ways.
Is batman a super hero?
You bet your wonder-woman panties he is. He’s the hero we need, and the hero we deserve. I don’t care if he has powers. That doesn’t necessarily make you a super hero. Nowhere in the super hero hand book does it say that one must have super powers to be a super hero. It’s just common sense man.
What would you take to a lonely island with you and why?
Depends. If I wanted to stay there, a satellite, a solar power generator a water purifier, and enough astronaut food to last me a life time. If I want to get back home, a satellite phone. These questions are always stupid.
How would you sell a fridge to an Eskimo?
I’d say, “He eskimo man. You need this fridge. That way you’re not just burying stuff in ice. You need to get civilized up in hereâ€. And then he’d buy it because he’s sick of living like a Neanderthal and burying his food in the ice. That’s gotta be gross if you forget where you peed last.
How many calories are in a grocery store?
Probably more than 20. Probably. But no more than 3,000 trillion. There’s no way anything can be that high. No. Way.
Estimate the total number of cars in the UK.
Again, another easy question. At least 100. UK is weird though. They have all those traffic circles and they drive on the left side of the road. It’s just weird to me. I get that it’s safer because you sit on the opposite side of where a collision could occur, but man it’s just weird.
Can you calculate how many tennis balls are used during the course of Wimbledon?
Probably a million. They bounce those things away so fast if they don’t like the way the felt is laying. And they shove em in their pocket so they look like squirrels, but with their pockets and not their mouths. And they hit those things hard. They’ve gotta put some dents in those balls. I don’t care what they’re made of.
How lucky are you and why?
I’m pretty lucky. I dropped $100 in Wal-Mart once on accident (of course it was on accident) and went about my shopping. Then I realized I lost it, and re-traced my steps and it was still there. I don’t know how it happened, but I’ll take it as a win. It wasn’t even my money. I was buying stuff for someone else. Then we both would’ve been out of money.
If you were a pizza delivery man, how would you benefit from scissors?
I could use them to stab people if they didn’t give me a big enough tip. I mean that’s legal, right? Or use them for some cool scissor tricks while I’m waiting for them to pay, so they think I’m super cool and want to give me a bigger tip.
If you could sing one song on American Idol, what would it be?
I’d have to go with Senorita by Justin Timberlake. That guy kills that song and everyone knows I love to belt out some JT when I’m in my car. Either that or something from his earlier days of N’Sync. Or I’d serenade Gwen Stefani with something from Bush to make her knees go weak. Then I’d win no matter what.
Are you more of a hunter or a gatherer?
Uhm, hunter? I like to track things down and set up ambushes. Gathering would be pretty boring. Go to a spot and grab what you can. Oh no, we’ve gathered from there too much and now there’s nothing left, time to move to another place. Oh no, that’s empty too. Then you gotta walk and walk and walk and that’s just not fun for anyone.
If you were a box of cereal, what would you be and why?
I’d be an old box of Captain Crunch. The one that had that super sweet whistle in it, where if you blew it, you got free phone calls through AT&T. I mean, who doesn’t want free phone calls AND a sweet whistle? I’d spread that joy to lots of people. And who doesn’t like Captain Crunch?
Do you believe in Bigfoot?
No. I believe in awkward middle-aged men that dress up in monkey-suits because they think they’ll make a ton of money, but are too uneducated and unskilled to pull it off correctly.
Why is a tennis ball fuzzy?
To keep its insides warm. Duh. There are little things living inside a tennis ball that make it bounce so high. Didn’t you pay attention in Physics class?
What is your least favorite thing about humanity?
That there’s not enough class-acts around. People are too worried about themselves to make this a good place to live.
How would you use Yelp to find the number of businesses in the U.S.?
I wouldn’t. I’d just google it. This is the 21st century. Are you high?
How honest are you?
Too honest. I end up feeling bad about whatever I lie about or get away with and then I just admit what I did. It sucks. I just want to be a jerk and get away with things.
How many square feet of pizza are eaten in the U.S. each year?
Probably a lot. I mean, sheesh. I eat about 12 a month. And there’s a lot of people like me who love pizza. So… sheesh. Probably like… a million. That’s a lot of pizza to be eaten.
Can you instruct someone how to make an origami 'cootie catcher' with just words?
No. I don’t even know what the hell that is. A cootie catcher? What are we, twelve?
If you were 80 years old, what would you tell your children?
That the world is a cold, hard place. And that you gotta find one thing that keeps you going every day or it’s not worth it. People are more important than things, and experiences are more valuable than possessions. You can’t take things with you when you die, so enjoy every cent you make.
You're a new addition to the crayon box, what color would you be and why?
Kinda sorta blue but not a lame blue but a cool blue that’s different from the rest…. Blue. There’s a bunch of blues, but to me they’re bland and boring. Think of a sky blue, but not as light, but not as dark as like, regular blue. I dunno man. I just want a new damn blue color.
How does the internet work?
Ask Al Gore. He made it. I think it involves tubes and sugar packets being sent from China to the moon to me. I could be wrong though. I know it goes super fast, and I’m too impatient to wait the two seconds needed for my data to go to space. I’m an instant gratification type of person.
If there was a movie produced about your life, who would play you and why?
I don’t know if anyone would take on that role. It’s been a pretty boring life to make a movie out of. I dunno. I’d take a Jake Gyllenhaal or a George Clooney. They’d be sweet.
What's the color of money?
Green? Am I missing something? I see green and an off-white color. Please don’t tell me it’s really red and I’ve been color blind my entire life. THIS IS HOW I FIND OUT? BY A QUESTION ON THE COLOR OF MONEY? Jesus, I need some time to get my life in order. This is … this is not okay.
What was the last gift you gave someone?
The one I’m giving you right now. The gift of my presence. Do you know what most super models would pay an HOUR to hang out with me? I charge like… a dollar an hour. That’s just to hang out with me. I’m giving you this interview for free. That’s called generosity. Maybe you need to realize the nice things people are doing for you every day, you self-entitled prick.
What is the funniest thing that has happened to you recently?
It really wasn’t something that happened to me, but I found something really funny. I was watching Family Guy and Stewie made a grundle joke. I couldn’t stop laughing. I was doubled over in bed, and I couldn’t catch my breath for a good two minutes. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed that hard. I don’t even know why. The word isn’t even that funny, but for some reason I couldn’t stop.
How many snow shovels sold in the U.S. last year?
Pssh. People are morons so they buy a new shovel every time it snows, and we’ve got how many millions living in snowy states? I’d definitely say over six hundred thousand got sold. Easy. Plus, everyone wants new shiny toys even if their old stuff works.
It's Thursday; we're staffing you on a telecommunications project in Calgary, Canada on Monday. Your flight and hotel are booked; your visa is ready. What are the top five things you do before you leave?
I go through my usual pre-flight list. I make sure my iPod is updated with all the latest music that I illegally downloaded, make sure I have spare batteries for my Beats, make sure I have a fully charged kindle so I can read shit on the plane, make sure I have some other form of entertainment ready, like my PlayStation Vita, and I make sure I’ve got everything packed. I tend to forget a lot of things, and always end up buying overpriced garbage at the hotel. Gotta make sure the suit is ready, comfy clothes are on for when I have to sit in the plane for 8 hours, and make sure I have my awesome wrap around flight pillow. Planes have been around for a long time now, yet we’re still making us all sit uncomfortably unless we shell out an extra few hundred dollars a ticket. I keep my money in my pocket, I’m not spending it on overpriced airfare.
Describe to me the process and benefits of wearing a seatbelt.
You grab the seat-belt, and wrench on it until the security system realizes you’re a human and releases so you can actually move it further than 2 inches. Then you whip it down towards your crotch, but at the last minute move it to the side that it clicks in an awkwardly made piece of equipment. The benefits are great. You get to be uncomfortable for your entire drive, feel restrained, and I guess if you get in a crash you won’t fly through the windshield. That’s a pretty good benefit.
Have you ever been on a boat?
Yeah man. I’ve got my flippy floppies all ready to go. I love it when the wind whips through my coat and hair, and dolphins show up. It’s pretty sweet. Don’t you ever forget it.
How would you define servant leadership?
When there’s a servant… and they’re a leader? So, every pack of things has a leader, so I assume that even a group of servants needs a leader. Someone to communicate with the boss and keep everyone else in line.
In 50 words or fewer, describe what skills and knowledge you can bring to our team.
Don’t you dare tell me how many words I need to use or not need to use in order to answer a question. I bring tenacity. I’m a damn boss around here. You want something done? I’ll either get it done, or make someone else do it. I’m super lazy, so I know the best, and most efficient way to get things done so I can get it over with and move onto something I actually care about. 82 words. Suck it.
Humans do make mistakes. Please share with us a time where you have made a mistake which had a significant impact to the company/your team, what mistake was that, and what remedy action you took.
I once farted really loudly during a moment of silence for a co-worker that killed himself. I had a lot of fiber that morning, and I had seafood the night before. It just didn’t mix and I almost shit myself right then and there. To be honest, I was really glad it was just a fart. It would’ve been worse if I had to run out of the room and clean myself. People were pretty mad at whoever did it. I blamed it on Johnson. That sucker was always farting, and luckily, was standing right next to me that day. Now that I think of it… Johnson ended up killing himself a week later too…. Must be something about that place that drives people nuts.
How do you motivate others?
I kick em in the ass. There’s no motivation like the motivation to not get broken. No one wants to get their ass beat, so most people get to moving.
In a team environment, what role do you usually take on?
I’m the leader through and through. I make sure things get done. It’s easy to be the leader because I get to delegate responsibilities. I love doing that. It keeps me from doing the difficult or boring things and I get to do the awesome jobs like taste-tester or “guy who takes the glory and credit for the ideaâ€. It’s a pretty sweet gig.
How do you handle criticism?
I handle it well. I’m always looking to get better and as long as it’s someone above me doing it, I’ll listen. They’re above me for (now) for a reason. They’ve brown nosed or schmoozed or blackmailed their way to the top before me, so I’ve gotta learn from them so that I can do it too. Then I take their job and remind them that they’re their own downfall because they gave me the critical information that I needed in order to get them fired so I could get promoted. Suckers.
What is your philosophy towards your work?
Just get it done. I don’t care how things have to happen, it’ll get done. Whether I need to make you miss the birth of your firstborn child or Christmas with your dad, if it means it gets done, you do it. Also, I make sure that it gets done well. I can’t have my name on garbage. So, if you do it and it’s terrible, we’re getting it done better.
If you had to compare how you take decisions, to which animal do you think you would be most similar and why?
I’d be a honey badger, no doubt. I just don’t get a fuck. I get what I want, and I do it how I want. You can’t keep me down, you can’t make me give up, and you can’t put me at a disadvantage. I’m going to win and I’m going to make sure that I come out on top. Quick, correct decisions are what I’m all about.
If you have a say in the decision taken by management and (say) if you are quite against theirs, will you stick on with your decision?
Well, unfortunately, it’s above my pay grade so I know I won’t get the final say. I get that. However, I know I’m right. I can see things from a different angle that those with their heads in the clouds can’t see. I’m going to stick to my guns, and I’m going to keep my ideas in my head, and I’m going to keep working and make decisions on my own that keep us succeeding.
How would your best friend describe you?
Awesome, asshole with a brilliant brain. Catching all the comments and destroying dismay. Eviscerating enemies and fending off fatties. Gyrating groins and hitting up homies, incredible, invisible, juking and jiving. Kicking ass and killin’ it, leaving people limp. Messing up faces, noisily obliterating people, turning them to quitters. Rectifying problems with super slick solutions, turning out tricks with uncanny vainglory. Whipping the weirdos with my xiphoid Excalibur, yelling at you with some zappy zanyism. :micdrop:
What the best thing a company can do for their employees so its turnover ratio can be maintained?
Don’t suck. Give me free shit, don’t be dicks about time off, and give me bonuses. I do work so you can live the high life. I make less than you, and you get to take all the glory. Give me something to hold on to. I’ll take some money at the end of the year. I’ll take a company car. Gimme that extra shit.
If I were to talk to one of your previous supervisors, what might they recommend as an area of improvement for you?
I should probably work on not punching people. My last boss was a douche and I hit him at our company picnic. I didn’t get fired immediately… but it wasn’t long after that I was told I shouldn’t come back to work. I got a sweet severance package though. I don’t think the boss wanted me to come back at him again if they just let me go.
What are your long-term motivations in a company or a position?
I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was. To catch no fades is my real test, to train co-workers is my cause. I will travel across the land, searching far and wide. Each client to understand the power that's inside. Gotta train em all! It’s all me, I know it’s my destiny.
Tell me about a time you did the right thing at work and no one saw you do it.
One time, there were donuts in the breakroom, and I didn’t eat them. I didn’t make a big deal of it, but it took a lot of willpower.
What do you do when your client says “no†but doesn’t really mean “noâ€; he only means “tell me more and break down the issues.â€
I keep telling them. Trust me, I can sell ice to an Eskimo. They never mean no, they just mean “I have to clear it with my wifeâ€, or “how long do I have to wait to make a profit off of thisâ€. They just have to get past that initial fear of loss before they finally say yes to me. Whiskey helps them say the words.
What do you worry about, and why?
To be honest, dying. I can’t continue to be awesome if I’m dead. I don’t really plan on leaving a legacy, and I don’t want bratty children, so I’m just working on being awesome now, and trying to not worry about what happens when I stop breathing.
How do you define success and how do you measure up to your own definition?
Success is if people know you, and if you’ve got enough money to do whatever you want, and people around you to make you happy. I’ve got one of those, but the other two will come soon. Money takes a while to build up, especially when you’re just starting out. People get to know you later on once you’ve done some pretty sweet things. I’m semi-known for the guy that does what he wants and goes on awesome vacations. I’m pretty damn successful when I think about it.
What do colleagues say is your best quality?
My amazing personality. I’m a winner. Follow in my footsteps and you’ll see an easy life, laxidasical living, and success. I play hard, work simply, and get shit done.
If you were left in the woods with only the items in this room, what would you build?
I’d build a fort made of tables, and burn some of the terrible books that are in here. Gotta stay warm. I’d also use the maps on the walls to find my way out of here and get back to somewhere that I can go so I can get back home. Staying in the woods is boring.
Give me an example of when you failed at something. How did you react and how did you overcome failure?
I don’t fail… I don’t know what you’re talking about.
What is your favorite palindrome?
Yo! Banana boy!
Who has inspired you in your life and why?
John Scott. The guy went from being nothing, to finding his way into the NHL, just to be thrown away by so many teams. But somehow, he’s stayed on teams, and wormed his way into the hearts of the fans, and has been somewhat rewarded for his hard work. I want to be your heartworm. I want to wriggle around in it, and try to kill you if you make me leave.
What qualities should a team leader have?
My qualities. Sexy, eloquent, charismatic, and awesome. I’m everything you want, and everything you need. You don’t need to look any further to find the leader that you need.
Would you rather be liked or respected?
I don’t care if you like me or respect me, as long as you do what I say and I make more than you. I really couldn’t care less if you thought I was a cool dude, or wanted to be like me. If you don’t, you’re wrong, but it’s not going to bother me.
If your boss asked you to jump, would you ask how high? Or, would you ask, why do you want me to jump?
I’d tell him to take his own fat-ass outside to the top of the building and jump. You don’t tell me what to do. Especially calisthenics. I do that when I want. And I don’t want to. So bite me.
Tell me something you have never told anyone else.
I like you.
Describe for me your most ideal work environment.
A place where I can be myself, do what I want, and get away with murder. Not in the cliché sense… but actual murder.
Code:
7300 words- .bojo - 02-02-2016
Biggest question though: Why is Durden such a good head GM in GOMHL
- storm - 02-02-2016
Quote:Originally posted by Bojo@Feb 2 2016, 03:22 PM
Biggest question though: Why is Durden such a good head GM in GOMHL
I swear to god
- Durden - 02-02-2016
Quote:Originally posted by Bojo@Feb 2 2016, 03:22 PM
Biggest question though: Why is Durden such a good head GM in GOMHL
I luh u.
Durden vs Sturm. Fite of centuri.
![[Image: 78c.gif]](http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/547/869/78c.gif)
- Allen - 02-02-2016
My name not mentioned once. WOAT article.
- Durden - 02-02-2016
Quote:Originally posted by Allen@Feb 2 2016, 03:55 PM
My name not mentioned once. WOAT article.
Fixed.
- .bojo - 02-02-2016
Quote:Originally posted by Durden@Feb 2 2016, 03:56 PM
Fixed.
was hoping to just see the word Allen at the end of the article
- Durden - 02-02-2016
Quote:Originally posted by Bojo@Feb 2 2016, 04:02 PM
was hoping to just see the word Allen at the end of the article
He's too pretty for just his name.
- Allen - 02-02-2016
Quote:Originally posted by Durden@Feb 2 2016, 03:56 PM10/10 article now
Fixed.
- Durden - 02-02-2016
Quote:Originally posted by Allen@Feb 2 2016, 04:13 PM
10/10 article now
Like your face.
- Allen - 02-02-2016
Quote:Originally posted by Durden@Feb 2 2016, 04:15 PM;
Like your face.
- Kevin Juice Bieksa - 02-02-2016
=D> =D> =D>
Meanwhile Eggy makes 10000 word article in 2 days :lol:
- Durden - 02-02-2016
Quote:Originally posted by Kevin "Juice" Bieksa@Feb 2 2016, 04:21 PM
=D> =D> =D>
Meanwhile Eggy makes 10000 word article in 2 days :lol:
I don't give enough shits about this site to waste that much time here.
- NoNerves - 02-03-2016
I couldn't do it lol. I got maybe half way before giving up. 7300 words holy fuck
- Durden - 02-03-2016
Quote:Originally posted by NoNerves@Feb 3 2016, 01:10 AM
I couldn't do it lol. I got maybe half way before giving up. 7300 words holy fuck
I'm impressed you made it that far!