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*Ferda* · 01-08-2020, 07:41 PM

(1600-ish words)

Gabriel Johnson @Gwdjohnson, member of the Hamilton Steelhawks and formerly of the Anchorage Armada, may be one of the most dangerous and mischievous players in the entirety of the Simulation Hockey League. Following the emergence of the rise in performance enhancing drug use in the SHL, most notably “40 Passing”, we have tracked down Mr. Johnson as one of the primary distributors of this so called 40 Passing. After the 51st annual season of the SHL, we have seen the two teams that Johnson has been a part of, the Steelhawks and the Armada, reach new heights and most notably the Four Star and Challenge Cup finals in both of their respective leagues. The Armada have secured the Four Star Cup championship, while the Hamilton Steelhawks continue their battle with the Edmonton Blizzard in what is anticipated to be one of the most lopsided victories in favor of the Steelhawks in SHL history due, in large part, to the sharp increase in drug use around the league. What is the common denominator in both the Steelhawks and Armada’s trips to the finals in their respective leagues? Gabriel “Oh” Johnson. Today, we will be unravelling the mysterious rise in 40 Passing use and what this means for the future of the Simulation Hockey League.

To truly understand the effect that 40 Passing has had on the league, we must first take a look at the statistics prior to its entrance into the league and how the introduction of performance enhancing drugs have influenced the SHL for the worse. The most damning example of its effect on the league is seen through the shot differentials in both the S50 and S51 seasons of the Hamilton Steelhawks. In the S51 regular season, the Steelhawks reached a sudden spike in shots-for with a league-leading 1956 shots which is the most that a team has had in the last 5 seasons. The next closest team to the S51 Steelhawks is the S47 New Orleans Specters who were close with 1880 shots-for. However, the difference between these two teams is most evident in the delta between their seasons prior to their league-leading shot totals. In S46, the Specters had a shots-for of 1590 which means that they shots 290 more times in S47. Meanwhile, the S51 Steelhawks shots 360 more times than their S50 team which shot 1596 times, good for 7th in the league and 24% more than the delta between the Specters’ S46 and S47 seasons.

Another important note is the difference between their league-leading shot totals relative to the runner-up in both the S47 Specters and S51 Steelhawks. The S47 Specters only had 36 more shots than the S47 Toronto North Stars, while the S51 Steelhawks had 168(!) more shots than the S51 Specters. The gap that was created by the Steelhawks in the S51 season is an extreme outlier as the average difference between the league leader and second place in shots-for has been 52 shots over the past 5 seasons with the S46 West Kendall Platoon being the only team close to the S51 Steelhawks. The S46 Platoon shot 1865 times which was 106 more shots than the S46 Minnesota Chiefs who were second in shots-for. As we can see, even the S46 Platoon shot 91 times less than the S51 Steelhawks. Never before have we seen such a large gap in shots-for between two teams or even two seasons in recent history. This evidence that we have uncovered only leads to the discussion of what may have caused these discrepancies and how did these changes affect the S51 Steelhawks as a unit.

Gabriel Johnson, our common denominator, was a member of the Anchorage Armada from S47 up until S49 where he was called up to the Steelhawks in S50. Johnson has had limited success in his career up until the S51 season as his teams have often lost in the playoffs in the first or second rounds and has never seen significant individual success either. One of his former defensive partners, who chose to remain anonymous, spoke out about his demeanor while Johnson was on the team and explained that Johnson was a “locker room cancer” and “never passed the puck”, along with many other issues that were also listed. He also notes that he would be not be surprised if Gabriel Johnson was not only the distributor, but also the producer of the 40 Passing drug that has hindered the overall integrity and legitimacy of the SHL as a whole. Johnson’s distribution of drugs directly competes with the anon’s business and 40 Passing’s ability to provide greater physical performance has led to a decrease in the anon’s sales and a need to increase the discounts on all of their goods.
Johnson’s departure from Armada was seen as a positive within the locker room, and on surface it seemed like it was too. Rookies, now sophomores, Augustus Wang and Samuel Michaud @golden_apricot saw more ice time on defence and had stellar seasons once their locker room tumor was removed. However, Michaud, Wang, Daniel Bischoff and Ian Venables, the core of the Armada, all felt that the ghost of Gabriel Johnson haunted them mentally and was the driving factor in their Game 7 loss to the Carolina Kraken in the S50 Playoffs. They believe that Johnson’s influence on them as young rookies had nearly destroyed their love of hockey and their desire to win. Michaud went on to leave the Armada in the S51 season with a sudden change of heart as he followed Gabriel Johnson to the aforementioned Hamilton Steelhawks. The bridges were not burned between Michaud and the Armada though, as they are often seen interacting with each other on social media which may signify that there is still some sort of friendship left. But, after my short stint in the Steelhawks locker room, I can assure you that Michaud is not very vocal in there and he is often seen with Johnson mingling with members of the Armada too which leads me to the assumption that Michaud is simply a courier of this 40 Passing drug to the Armada with Johnson being the source of the drugs. Why you may ask? Well, the Armada have always been close to reaching the Four Star Cup finals, but have not been able to get over the hump since their rebranding from the Prince George Firebirds. Max Brannigan, General Manager of the Anchorage Armada, has gone on to call the Anchorage Armada “Hamilton Lite” which is an homage to the Hamilton Steelhawks who have also seen a resurgence that has led them to the Challenge Cup Finals. All of this evidence points to the connection that Steelhawks players, Michaud and Johnson have with the Armada along with the effects that 40 Passing has had on the Steelhawks performance. I can only conclude that I am nearly certain that the Anchorage Armada and the Hamilton Steelhawks are both the main users of the 40 Passing drug that is destroying the both the SMJHL and the SHL.

I contacted a Rookie Steelhawk (definitely not Michaud), and he went on record to say that the increase in performance caused by 40 Passing greatly outweighed the downsides as the league had no rules against the use of performance enhancing drugs. He went on to say that even though it may have been morally wrong, the Steelhawks are not legally at fault because nothing in the rulebooks says that they are not allowed to take 40 Passing to improve their on-ice abilities. This rookie also stated that Gabriel Johnson and Dale Miller @dmills3 seemed to remain distant when approached with discussing the topic of 40 Passing being used around the league. Based off of my incognito interactions within the Steelhawks locker room, I have found that there appears to be no remorse with their apparent drug use and the negative impact that it has had on the league. We may be reaching a point of no return in the SHL as teams may need to abuse drugs, like 40 Passing, in order to find success in this league as the Head Office seems tongue tied in their responses to the rise in performance enhancing drugs.

If I am to be completely objective here, you cannot fault the Anchorage Armada and the Hamilton Steelhawks for choosing to abuse a flawed system. They simply took advantage of the holes that were uncovered by the Head Office and used it to gain a legal advantage. Even though their actions may have been morally wrong, they should not be held accountable for anything because they did not break any rules in using performance enhancing drugs. I personally cannot even fault Gabriel Johnson because he must have seen that his performance is completely abysmal without the use of 40 Passing and did not want to risk his career being absolutely invisible to the average user. Unfortunately, Johnson is still invisible, and nobody ever talks about his play because it is butt ugly (along with his face, I mean, have you seen the guy’s moustache?), but his introduction of 40 Passing and the use of performance enhancing drugs has forever changed the landscape of the SHL.

This has been brought to you by Ferda, a member of the Bois News Network (BNN) and remember to STAY WOKE.

This article has been sponsored by SHLKush.com. For a limited time only, use promo code ARMADA to save 50% off your first order to celebrate the Anchorage Armada securing the Four Star Cup.

***Gwdjohnson*** · 01-08-2020, 08:20 PM

You had to bring my mustache into this, huh? I know it's awful I'm just lazy ok stop bullying me :(

Briedaqueduc · 01-08-2020, 08:32 PM

I've never took any but apparently you have to lick this drug? Idk pretty sure I saw a picture of Gabriel licking something, might of been that

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mxman991 · 01-08-2020, 08:40 PM

I read that 40 passing is a teamwork inhibiting drug that degrades a players social qualities. It can work after one injection to inhibit all future teamwork development and in some cases can decrease it drastically. Side effects include irritability, irrationality, mood swings and in extreme cases damage a players relationships. It does have the positive of increased on ice performance. Please speak to your doctor before you try 40 passing to see if it’s right for you.

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