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LordBirdman · 03-13-2020, 07:39 PM

We found the below message posted in the comments section of an adult website. We confirmed with Sven Svenson that he authored the manifesto and he encouraged its publication.

Hello, I’m Colorado Raptors left winger Sven Svenson. I’m writing this open letter to the public and SHL GMs to submit my thoughts about my rookie counterparts and the SHL teams I could possibly end up with. I believe that my above average to mediocre first season in the SMJHL gives me both the right and the duty to tell every relevant party that I am the best player in this draft and they would be lucky to be associated with me in any way. Of course, I’m a great teammate and positive presence in the locker room, because that’s part of what being the best includes, but that shouldn’t cloud the fact that most of the other rookies are inferior players to me and should be treated accordingly.

As a gifted goal scorer sitting here with 306 pro forma adjusted TPE, ~$25M in the bank (after I get paid for my updater side gig), and a smile that makes the ladies in Boulder blush just like they did in Stockholm, I feel pretty good about the upcoming SHL draft. I’m putting in the work to become a generational goal scorer and SHL executives are starting to take note. Given my future stardom, I think it’s only fair to share my thoughts about the league’s teams and its players as I go through the first round of a random mock draft.

Note: the following analysis is made up of rumors, hearsay, biased opinion, alternative facts, and possibly a few outright lies.

1. Jets

Winnipeg Jets (From Tex) - Magnus Liljestrom: Winnipeg seems like a depressing place and that’s the general sense I get from the Jets – sadness (Note: I reserve the right to change my mind if Winnipeg selects me and I discover the city to be wonderful). If you need a defenseman, then you can’t go wrong selecting Magnum. I can’t knock my fellow Swede, he’s a great player and teammate. I mean I guess I could knock him by questioning whether such a nice guy can bring you the grit and killer instinct you need to battle out a game 7, but I won’t do that because as we speak we are playing for Sweden and King Carl together. I don’t really know much about the Jets other than they have a new GM. The Jets infamously traded back while also trading up, a series of trades that many found confusing, bad, and generally upsetting. While it is always fun to laugh at others, I think this is overplayed and it’s not a horrible series of moves. Getting their guy at the top, a useful player for the near term, and dropping 9 spots in a stacked draft could leave Winnipeg with the last laugh if they make a great pick at 14. Rumors swirled that they traded for a veteran Svensson to augment with a young Svenson, could this be Winnipeg’s grand plan with the move up to first overall? Doubtful.

2.

Tampa Bay Barracuda - Ambacas Cuddles: Tampa Bay is another team that is a mystery to me, other than they must be drafting based on need and not best player available considering they haven’t reached out to me yet. I know they were bad last year and have a good prospect pool, so likely have been bad before, but that’s about it. Will they continue to be bad? Are they bad because they are inept or do they have new management? Are there even barracuda’s in the bay of Tampa Bay? Maybe someone has the answers to these befuddling questions, I certainly do not. Cuddles is another strong defenseman and seemingly a good dude, but his ties to Rhode Island and Governor Raimundo are a red flag – is he corrupt? The whole state is corrupt and this guy’s out there schmoozing with state officials, campaigning for Gov. Raimundo, and catching coronavirus. I’m betting that Tampa Bay is far enough away from Rhode Island to keep Ambacas out of trouble and this is a good pick.

3.

Buffalo Stampede (from WKP) - Steve Harrington: Buffalo seems like a cool spot to land for someone. Darrow is great and Tomen and WannabeFin are in the rookie locker room, so I know they are living, breathing humans – great attributes for the leaders of any organization. They’ve seemed reasonable for the most part… far too reasonable to risk the 3rd overall pick on a player like Harrington. Harrington is a clear bust. Anyone that earns more TPE and much more money than me, produces high quality graphics, and is an active LR presence has clearly come on too strong in the league and won’t last. I think we all know deep down that Steve is going to flame out when he learns what the outside is. The ideal pick here would be a lower TPE winger that maybe has given up on graphics and brings a certain je ne sais quoi to the locker room. I think that type of player would fit in well with the team and be a great pick at this spot.

4.

Texas Renegades (from MIN) – Jimmy Wagner: Texas seems like an organization that has a plan to get back into contention and is executing on that plan. Despite Wagner’s high opinion of his own play, he’s not the right pick for this plan. These are back to back bust winger picks when both teams could’ve had the crown jewel winger goal scorer Swedish stud. Rumors around Wagner are that he has competing interests in pursuing the study of witchcraft, shamanism, and medicine which presents the risk to GMs that this young talent will turn his focus to employment and fulfillment outside the walls of SHL arenas. On the other hand, Texas could draft a handsome Swedish winger at this spot and accelerate their timetable to cup contention. Texas would be an interesting state to live in, but I don’t know if I would like the mandatory concealed carry and packing heat on the ice. I’d also run the risk of falling in love with hunting wild hogs from helicopters and distracting myself from my SHL goals.

5.

Buffalo Stampede (from WPG) – Erben Kasius: This pick bores me, as Kasius has laid too low for me to have anything negative to say about him. Erben is a weird name. Sven is a cool name.

6. Platoon

West Kendall Platoon (from NEW) - Jaska Seppala: I don’t know where West Kendall is but I have to assume it’s in Canada, the cold part too. Pretty cool that they have an SHL team and regular Kendall doesn’t. Jaska Seppala looks to be a very promising winger, but he isn’t Swedish. That means he doesn’t have the unrelenting love of King Carl in his life, which certainly knocks him down a peg or two in most scout’s rankings.

7.

Los Angeles Panthers – Jack Kanoff: LA has cool branding and colors, naturally led by Wasty. They seem distant and secretive, because they haven’t reached out to me yet. The Panthers have a reputation of only wanting to draft players that have been there before (recreates). I don’t know if Jack Kanoff fits this mold, but it seems likely. Kanoff only recently started communicating with the rest of the rookies which of course makes him an elitist.

8. Stars

Toronto North Stars – Chris Cerullo: The person making this mock draft has been smoking bath salts, because Chris Cerullo has not updated since the week of March 1st. This pick prediction is a subtle nod to the joke that Toronto is a ghost town. We in Colorado really hope he comes back to us because he was a cool guy to have around. I particularly hope he returns because Cerullo and I were the chosen ones to become a dynamic duo after having a relatively successful campaign playing together on the Raptor’s 2nd line. Ml is strategically squatting in the rookie locker room and probably has as good a sense for the rookie class as anyone and is seems poised to get value of the 8th overall pick. Toronto is the butt of a lot of jokes, but being a player that takes a rebuilding team to the next level is appealing to future elite players like Sven.

9. Dragons

Calgary Dragons – Zoltan Topalo: Calgary and its red and black logo gives off those badass vibes that makes you want to chop down a tree, build a fireplace, or even kill an animal. I can’t decide if I think the name Dragons is cool or lame, I lean towards cool but it does evoke distant memories of NFL Europe. Zoltan would be an interesting choice here, he seems pretty dedicated to his craft despite splitting his time leading a cult that will eventually end with his followers drinking a poison cocktail - leadership skills are definitely a plus. He does tends to disappear in his own zone, getting lost in space.

10.

Edmonton Blizzard – Reid Sutherland: The Blizzard are another mysterious team to me. They seem to have this aura of grandeur and historical success to them, but I also don’t think I ever interacted with them and maybe I just like their colors and name. Reid Sutherland is a very sensible player with sound judgement, evidenced by his recent decision to become a child of Sweden and transfer into the warm embrace of King Carl’s love. He does however spend a lot of time in Detroit, the city now known for spurring the coronavirus outbreak currently ravaging the SHL. Like any Falcon player, he likely carries various diseases and GMs should not take this fact lightly.

11.

Chicago Syndicate - Jukka Timonen: The Syndicate benefit from being in a livable, fun city in Chicago. I heard some of their training facilities are in Washington Park which apparently isn’t a very good neighborhood? I think the name Syndicate sounds cool. Hockey is relatively popular in Chicago, overall an appealing draft destination. As a youthful, avid womanizer, I think I would like being drafted here. Jukka would also do well there, but he’s a nerd. He is the hot and cool type of nerd though, like Cynthia Frelund – I think he will be a successful player. Jukka would be a lot cooler if he were Swedish.

12.

Tampa Bay Barracuda (from HAM) - Rocco Berni: Rocco is an experienced and talented rookie that was a quiet guy in the rookie locker room. He also has a bad ass name that immediately makes him a solid prospect. Despite his name/60 grading, he poses risks due to his association with former players that fizzled out.

13.

New Orleans Specters - Burlok Sulfurgold: New Orleans seems like a cool team. Cajun hockey in purple and black is cool, but they either don’t need a winger or don’t think I’ll fall to pick 13 in the draft like in this mockery of a mock because they haven’t reached out to me yet. Burlok is a heavy hitting playmaker winger that will probably be a good addition to whatever team that lands him, but the risk is present that he could simply move back to his native German forest and herd goats, forage for nuts, and farm dirt at any moment.

14. Jets

Winnipeg Jets (from BUF) - Ryuuji Minamino: Probably a steal of a pick for the Jets to get Ruuji this late, but then again, this is an alternate reality that no one would ever want to live in. Here is a player that shows real promise, but maintaining his focus will be difficult as Ryuuji also is an extremely active antique hunter. He spends many weekends traveling the country searching old barns for rare finds to sell on ebay. Ryuuji is a big winger from Sapporo, Japan. Sometimes when I go out for sushi I drink Sapporo beer, so definitely thank you Sapporo for sending that beer - we’ll have to get back to you on Ryuuji after a few seasons. I still maintain that the Jets trades aren’t bad when you look at the quality of players here in most mocks.

15. pride

San Francisco Pride - Bradley Barkov: San Francisco is a cool city that is very expensive with too many homeless people. I think I will be off the board by this point but I’m sure SFP would love for me to tumble down the draft and fall into their laps. In this universe they select Bradley Barkov, an absolute steal at the back end of the first round. The stud Finnish defenseman will be an anchor for some team’s blue line for years to come. That is, unless he becomes a financial anchor because he finds old boomcheck posts and starts demanding 10x10, becoming a headache for whoever has to negotiate with him. Barkov has always made two things clear: he’s in this for the money and he hates Russians. I think whatever team drafts him will get what they pay for from this cut-throat Finnish D-man.

16. Rage

Manhattan Rage – Eric Hudson: Luke is an active presence in the rookie locker room and is cool, thus Manhattan is likely a cool place to land. I also feel Rage every time I travel to Manhattan and spend time there, so I get the name. Living in the filthy, expensive, morally bankrupt city would be much more appealing as a millionaire because it is a city that caters to the wealthy. Eric Hudson is an underrated player and first round talent that likes to drink beer. That’s cool, but what isn’t cool is that in this mock he is drafted higher than Sven and it’s simply not right. While never confirmed, there are also rumors that Hudson sleeps around with other players’ wives, sisters, cousins and friends – GMs should watch out if they want to keep the peace in their locker room with this hound dog sniffing around.

William Hartmann is also a first-round talent not mentioned in here, so there will clearly be some good players that fall to the second round this draft based on runs of certain positions or who is high on certain teams’ lists.
Teams not participating in the first round: Hamilton, New England, Minnesota. These teams are actively putting together packages to move up on draft day if Sven might fall outside the top 5.

If you’ve read this far, I’m sorry. That is time that you will never get back. Just know Sven Svenson is one of the top, if not the top, S53 SHL prospects.

NONAME · 03-13-2020, 10:23 PM

Sven for president Raptors

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