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Muerto · 08-31-2020, 02:59 AM

KFAN RADIO REVEALS TOP 10 RELOCATION/REBRAND TARGETS FOR WINNIPEG JETS
by Drum Bongwater

It's no secret that the SHL Winnipeg Jets are considering a rebrand as too many people don't like that it's got the same name as an NHL team. Everyone knows the history that it's kind of funny that the SHL Jets have been in existence longer than the current NHL Jets, so really they should be the ones changing their name, but Big Hockey is always putting us little guys down.

So obviously discussions have been ongoing, and ideas being bandied about, and one of our deep moles has uncovered what everybody wants to know!
Here is a secret memo leaked from the SHL Jets Hot Boi War Room in which the top 10 relocation/rebrand ideas are addressed!

WHO WILL BE NUMBER ONE????

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10. Atlanta Thrashers - hey the NHL Thrashers moved to Winnipeg and became the Jets, why can't we move there and become the Thrashers? Would have a nice circle of life ring to it. Unfortunately hotdog ruined this idea by putting his expansion team there. Damn you, sausage-in-a-bun man!

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9. Quebec Nordiques - in the interest of continuing the tradition of reviving dead NHL franchises, this would have been a no-brainer idea, except Evok put an SMJHL franchise there first - these expansion teams are killing me.

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8. Montreal Expos - not a dead hockey team, but a dead baseball team - makes sense to me! Montreal needs a franchise, and since expansion DIDN'T go here, maybe now's the time?

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7. Winnipeg White Walkers - imagine D&D didn't fuck up the last 2 seasons of GoT and it was actually a culturual phenomenon which I just rewatched for the 100th time because it was so awesome! Then this would have been the perfect rebrand! Instead they did fuck it up, and now nobody gives a shit about GoT any more. I even had to change my damn avatar because it just brought back so much painful recollections ... sigh

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6. East Kendall Platoon - East Kendall more like BEAST Kendall!!

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5. Winnipeg Rough Riders - Tig's Seattle expansion team went for the CFL branding, but they picked the wrong name. Rough Riders is such a great CFL name that 2 teams used to be called that. Simultaneously. Canada is weird.

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4. Montreal Impact - stealing a name from a former SMJHL team AND a soccer team? It's the daily double!

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3. Chernobyl Mutants - time to expand beyond North America and launch a franchise in an area that could use some economic stimulus! The ice may be a sickly glowing green color, but it would give faceoff a whole new meaning as radiation poisioning set in!

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2. Washington Trumps - Russia, if you're listening, what happened to crooked Muerto's 30,000 Draft Picks? No playoffs, no playoffs, you're the playoffs! FAKE NEWS!

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AND THE NUMBER ONE REBRAND IDEA:

1. Winnipeg Pooh Bears - Did you know Winnie the Pooh was based on a real bear, who was named Winnipeg? True story! Also TIL "Analysts believe Pooh is worth $3bn-$6bn of Disney's total annual sales of $25bn. According to a 2013 Variety article, Winnie the Pooh is the third best-selling franchise in the world, after Disney's own Disney Princess and Star Wars" (Wikipedia). Let's get our share of that honey pot, Oh Bother!

There you have it, folks! KFAN Radio scoops the SHN again!
Jets management is now accepting Logo submissions! Reply below with your best!
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