Third season incoming, baby! And I, Luffy Richard, am set to have a great season as I try and help the Toronto North Stars win the cup next season. I have been preparing all off-season for the blood bath that is the Great Lakes Division (hashtag drain the lakes, am i right?) and I am ready to go. Each morning, I woke up and headbutted every tree in the park that is several blocks from my apartment to prepare my face to block as many pucks as you can shake a corn dog at. My face is ready, and just as beautiful as ever--just ask my roommate! [please do not bring me in to one of your insane rants again] 

hahahaha see? what did I tell you!

Running was a big part my training as well because if you're not first, well...there are a lot of places that come after first, but the point is I like to run! This is no regular running though, no that will not help us win that mother hubbarding cup! I fill a backpack with my roommate's pet rocks (he has a lot of the damn things, they line the crown molding of his room and they just stare at you with their painted eyes) [is that why I have to put them back in order every day? I thought I was being haunted] (pfff nerd) and run up the mountain that is only a hop skip and a jump from the old abode, called mount Currahee, and that hike slash run up that mountain is longer and more grammatically incorrect than this sentence. I apologize if you just had a seizure trying to understand it.

When that is done, I hit the weight room. Neck raises are the most important thing because the neck helps support your noggin and nothing is more important than thinking. Everybody needs support so why should my head go without the emotional support that comes with having a strong neighbor to lift it up when it feels down? Then I do these really cool cable exercises I call the 'Captain America's' because i saw that scene from the Winter Soldier where he grabs the helicopter and want to be able to do that too. Squats are next because I want to look good in those hockey shorts. Nothing intimidates the other team than I a guy with a glorious set of yeeks. The last exercise on my list is pull ups, and this is an obvious one: if I fall off of something really high, I want to be able to catch the edge and lift myself up so as not to be deceased. And that is what I do in the weight room.

Now I have also been going to couple's therapy with my roommate because my coaches have said that we have an unhealthy amount of antagonism in our relationship, which is totally not my fault because he is a control freak who thinks he is better than me because he went to community college. And not even the good one in our hometown, but the one you go to after you fail out of the good one. [I got a scholarship for my writing. That is why I went there!] (that is the worst waste of money I have ever heard of, and you tried to convince me that you would use your zucchini pasta maker at least once a week. You never cook anything) [all you eat is ramen. that is all you eat. you did not appreciate my culinary attempts] So yeah, we have been going to therapy to help manage the tension that was apparently leaking out onto the ice culminating in me tackling Sato and Ursin because they accidentally used the last of my snoopy tape that I use for my hockey stick. To be fair, I still maintain everybody is misinterpreting my attempts at a group hug. I swear, toxic masculinity ruins male bonding. [you screamed at them that no one loves snoopy like you do so only you get to use the tape] (there is no evidence to back this up, but there is no one who loves snoopy as much as i do)

On the ice practice this off season has been amazing despite some of the aforementioned hiccups. I can skate backwards so good that I look like a real defenseman out there. Been working on all kinds of professional type drills and cerebral intangibles. I can spot when someone is going to pass the puck as soon as it leaves their stick! My hockey intelligence can now be measured! Oh, and I practiced set plays and passing and shooting and stuff. That was not very fun, but you gotta do what you gotta do to be a professional type individual in this league. I think this was the least important part of my off season time, but please do not tell my coaches because they are sensitive about everything and I might end up in couple's therapy with them next.

So this has been my what I did with my summer report. And this part is where I tell you all about my dreams for this upcoming season is going to be. are going to be? whatever. Last season I had more goals than both Sato and Ursin, three goals baby, heck yes. I plan on keeping that statement a matter of fact and having more goals than them again. I do not know how I am going to manage to do that, but it sure is going to be fun to try. Overall my points took a dip and I want to get back into double digit points. I know i am more of a shutdown kind of defensive type, but my passing is decent, and with some luck I can get a bushel of apples to go with my hits and what not. I want to keep improving my physical traits, but also take the body more. I want my sniper teammates to have all the space in the world as I bash my way through any one who tries to skate past me, or I'll stick check them. Whatever works. I guess this is a kind of cheesy dream--wanting to be better than last season--but I think I have finally started to grow into the type of simulated tpe earning player that will be useful for seasons to come. And to think i was taken in the fifth round, sixty-sixth over all. This truly is the life of a fifth rounder.

(1100 words).