Disclaimer: This is purely based on stats and has nothing to do with the actual users themselves. Please don't be offended by anything that's stated here. This is all in jest and not meant to be taken seriously. All GMs had great drafts and all these users are wonderful people. It's not your fault the players you drafted suck.
Montreal Patriotes: Stan Din’desque, Center from Anaheim Outlaws. TPE at time of article: 355
Montreal must see something I don't in Stan Din'desque. As a rookie he scored a meager 6 goals and only added on 5 assists. This was the lowest point total of any qualified skater (50 games) on Anaheim. He did pitch in on the defensive end somewhat, helping block 87 shots, but he wasn't overly physical and only tallied 28 assists. His advanced stats are even worse with a relative corsi of -8.5%. He is Top 10 in TPE, so hopefully Din'desque reaches his potential or the expansion team will be in trouble for wasting their first ever pick. It I had to pick an inanimate object that best described Stan, it would be a desk, because he should spend the rest of his life behind one.
New Orleans Spectors: Duncan the Walrus, Defender from Maine Timber. TPE at time of article: 337
This is the animal I had rated #1 on my board. Duncan was an absolute beast throughout the season for Maine. As a key member of the Honk and Chonk defensive line, he blocked 59 shots and hit 83 other skaters. And let me tell you that watching him hit another skater is like watching a train run over a water balloon. His hits are so vicious, they should count for 2. He was also able to pitch in on offense as well with 8 goals and 13 assists. Thanks to his incredible efforts on both ends of the ice, his relative corsi comes in at 10.1%, good for 7th in the league as a rookie! He's on the lower end of TPE as things stand, but he's already a polished player and doesn't have any question marks on if he'll reach his super star potential. This guy knows how to get it done and will be a force to recon with for seasons to come.
Manhattan Rage: Maxwell Carrigan, Defender from Nevada Battleborn. TPE at time of article: 354
Manhattan got a good solid player here. He didn't pitch in much on offense with only 10 points (4 goals and 6 assists), but he was a shot blocking machine coming in with exactly 100 blocks, 56 hits, and 32 takeaways. As a defender, he was a little sloppy with the puck turning it over 29 times, but as he gets used to the pace of the game, we should see those numbers diminish. Manhattan should be able to plug this guy right in when he's called up in a few seasons.
Winnipeg Aurora: Gonzo Gobbledygook, Left Wing from Colorado Raptors. TPE at time of article: 346
Gonzo was on a very good Colorado team, so he didn't see a ton of minutes, which hurts his stats. He was still at least able to gather 9 assists while also snagging 7 goals of his own. He's a big question mark defensively as he only got 29 blocks, 30 hits, and gave the puck away 29 times of his own. Now, I'm not going to hate on this guy too much, because he does have my favorite name in the draft. If he, or Winnipeg can somehow harvest the power of his name to his performances on the ice, then he is well worth a Top 5 pick. If Gobbledygook becomes half the player his name makes it seem that he can be, the Aurora will have a nice piece moving forward.
Philadelphia Forge: Evil AllBran, Right Wing from Newfoundland Berserkers. TPE at time of article: 322
Evil was a very good offensive player for Newfoundland as he saw similar ice time to Gonzo, but was able to surpass his point total with 12 goals and 7 assists. However, there are even bigger concerns about his defensive game. He legit barely did anything. He only blocked 15 shots, 19 hits, and 10 takeaways, while at the same time giving the puck away 32 times of his own. That just won't cut it in the big leagues and he will need some serious coaching to turn it around. His offensive prowess is worth a high pick, but if he doesn't start putting in hard work in practice, he will only see playing time as a power play specialist. And someone like that should probably be picked in the later rounds. However, that should be offset by his great marketability. As the face of the new Philly franchise, you should start seeing his personal cereal hit the streets soon. I've heard it's similar to raisin bran, but with only raisins.
Winnipeg Aurora: Marcel Beck, Defender from St. Louis Scarecrows. TPE at time of article: 359
Marcel was one of the bright spots on a poor St. Louis team. He was able to get in nearly double the playing time as the two guys picked ahead of him. This definitely helped his draft stock as he was a relative unknown prior to the season starting. He was aggressive on the ice tallying a total of 70 hits, but he was also smart about his aggression and didn't take unnecessary penalties, racking up only 12 throughout the entire season. That's exactly the type of play you want from a young defenseman. What makes him even better is he can still help out on offense as well. He'll still need to improve his shooting as he only got 5 goals, but 11 assists is something to be proud of, especially when considering his defensive record.
Minnesota Monarchs: Satoru Gojo, Center from Kelowna Knights. TPE at time of article: 334
I'm actually surprised a skater from Kelowna went inside the Top 10. From all the chatter I heard leading up to the cup final, it was that Kelowna has a bunch of inactive meat bodies on their roster. It's nice to see at least one user get picked, but it must be awfully lonely inside that locker room. Sorry, didn't mean to turn this into a dig at Kelowna, but I'm riffing and only have 2 hours to turn this bad boy in. Anyway...Satoru, the player... So he was actually an artist with the puck on his stick. Sure his teammates were all maxed, but he still had to put the puck in the right spot, and he did that time after time. He tee'd up his teammates for 21 goals and also tapped in 7 himself. That's the highest point total of all rookies drafted so far. And between dropping dimes, he was able to pick up 44 blocked shots and 32 hits. This looks like a very good pick for Minnesota who need a center of the future to take over some of the aging vets.
Buffalo Stampede: Greyson Cooper, Left Wing from Quebec City Citadelles. TPE at time of article: 330
Buffalo traded up here to get their guy and my, oh my, it's easy to see why. This dude is an absolute sniper on the ice. He got 18 goals and watching his YouTube highlight real is, as the kids say, "hockey porn". I really hate that saying though. Actually on 2nd thought, imagine, wait no, don't nevermind. On 3rd thought, I hate it. Back to Coop. He did take a lot of shots and his scoring percentage was only 12.7%, but you've got to throw pucks on the net to make things happen. That's exactly what Greyson can provide. He was a little sloppy with the puck, but that was because he was more often than not trying to make a play. He'll learn over time when to play smart and when to go for it.
Tampa Bay Barracudas: J.J. James Jamerson Angler, Right Wing from Maine Timber. TPE at time of article: 334
If Greyson is a sniper, then J.J. James Jamerson Angler or as his friends call him, Joe is an even better sniper. That was a terrible analogy. Let's try that again. Greyson snipes with a BB gun and Joe snipes with a fully automatic 50 caliber. Joe lead the league in scoring percentage, putting the puck in the back of the net at a clip of 22.4%. On only 85 shots, he managed to put 19 of them past the net minder. He also racked up 15 assists. Plus, it's not like he was only playing offense and just dogging it back on defense. He still managed to get 87 blocks and 80 hits in. He dominated the entire ice when he stepped out there. This guy should have been a Top 3 pick and you can't change my mind on that. The other 8 teams above will regret passing on Joe.
Texas Renegades: High Haschdi, Left Wing from Anaheim Outlaws. TPE at time of article: 396
Holy TPE! We all know TPE isn't the only metric that matters, but being the highest in the class certainly helps. It should be illegal for the reigning champs to get a player of his quality and shame on the other teams for letting it happen. Similar to Joe, how does Haschdi not go in the Top 3. The dude is the assist king of this draft class bringing in a whopping 23! He could improve on his shooting, but a 10.5% rate isn't terrible. He's also got a well rounded defensive game for a young winger and that plays right into Texas's strengths. Seriously, how'd we let this happen? On a personal note, I couldn't be happier for High. He worked hard to get where he's at and he deserves to be on the best team (even if it's unfair to the rest of the league).
Montreal Patriotes: Zak Wilson, Defender from Detroit Falcons. TPE at time of article: 389
Hold on, I'm going to need a minute to gather my thoughts after reading how this kid spells his name. Zach is obviously the correct way to spell it as everyone knows it's short for Zachary. I'll allow the occasional Zack under certain circumstances, specifically if it's not short for Zachary. However, I will not stand for Mr. No "C" In His Name. This is an abomination and the league should step in and do something about it. I don't even want to go into his lack of stats to show he'll be a bust. I'll just point to him sharing the same name as Zach Wilson, the terrible QB for the New York Football Jets. At least that guy spells his name right, but he's still a bum. My brain cannot comprehend how bad this guy is going to be. To stick with the inanimate object theme for Montreal players, if I had to come No C to one, it would be a volleyball with face painting, because he should be banished to an island with no ice for the rest of his life until he can MacGyver his way out.
Texas Renegades: Bjorn Bjorn, Right Wing from Carolina Kraken. TPE at time of article: 319
Sorry Bjorn, this one is going to be a bit boring as I need to take a breather. I'm curious as to what Bjorn Bjorn's middle name is. I genuinely hope it's also Bjorn, but spelled differently, like Born or Bourne. That'd be cool. He had a nice season scoring 10 goals while also setting up your teammates for 13 more. Plus, as a rookie he is one of the rare skaters to takeaway (22) more than he gave away (20) the puck. His puck security should also fit great into Texas's style of play. The right get richer and theirs nothing we can do about it unless we keep having expansion drafts until every time is bare bones. I'm up for it, are you?
Atlanta Inferno: Philip Demitra, Defender from Maine Timber. TPE at time of article: 322
The Inferno needed to address defense this draft as they lost some to trades and expansions, plus have a few very old veterans. Phillip should help fill that gap for years to come. He was very solid on the defensive side coming in with 73 blocks, 82 hits, and 29 takeaways, while only giving it away 22 times. He has a very high floor as a player and that's what Atlanta needed. They've got a building block for the future who can also pass the puck and contribute on offense as his 14 assists showed. It will be fun to watch him grow in Maine and improve his shooting. The defensive game is already there, now it's time to work on the other end of the ice.
Edmonton Blizzard: Maverick Seabrook, Left Wing from St. Louis Scarecrows. TPE at time of article: 326
Another sniper comes off the board, this time to Edmonton. They need help on offense and Maverick should be able to help immediately upon his call up. His raw stats don't look like anything to write home about, with 12 goals and 10 assists, but those numbers are dramatically reduced due to his lack of playing time because of veterans ahead of him in the line up. Once he starts getting 1st line ice time, he will be a consistent 20 and 20 type player. Keep an eye on him to push for some awards in the SMJHL until he is called up. He was a little penalty happy for the amount of time he spent on the ice, but that's something that can be coached out of him. It felt like every time he was on the ice, he was trying to prove the coach wrong. Sometimes that mindset got him in trouble from too much aggression, but as he starts seeing more playing time, that should calm him down.
Hamilton Steelhawks: Ty Murphy, Center from Detroit Falcons. TPE at time of article: 306
Mr. Murphy here is a great example of why Hamilton are a consistent contender. They are able to sit back in the draft and wait to draft high potential players whom they can groom into stars. Ty only had 3 goals and 11 assists, but that was mainly due to him only averaging 7 minutes of ice time per game. He's your point man when he's on the ice and everything runs through him. In a few seasons when he's the lead man on Detroit, teams are going to be kicking themselves for passing up on him. He'll be an 30+ assist per season guy and this late in the first, that's about as good as you can ask for.
Winnipeg Aurora: Daniel Merica Jr, Left Wing from Anaheim Outlaws. TPE at time of article: 328
Daniel was pretty much non-existent on the defensive end of the ice amounting a hilariously low 6 blocked shots, 17 hits, and 4 takeaways. If he wants to make it in the SHL he is going to need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and make a change for the better. The puck skills are there, as he showed with 9 goals and 6 assists, but the motivation on defense was lacking to the extreme. Anaheim has some good coaches, so hopefully the Winnipeg GMs will put something in their ear hole about making defending a higher priority. If he can get his head around the less flashy aspects of the game, the Aurora have gotten themselves a steal in the draft. If not, it could be a wasted pick.
San Francisco Pride: Senji Seteki, Goalie from Colorado Raptors. TPE at time of article: 335
double checks notes. Yup a Goalie just got selected in the first round. And not even the highest TPE goalie. This is ground breaking stuff from San Fran. Maybe we'll start seeing a trend of goalies going earlier, and quite honestly, I'm here for it. I'm sick of the slander that goalies get. I block maybe 2-3 shots a game and I feel like I can't walk. These guys crouch back there getting peppered 40 or 50 times. Give them a medal in the form of a first round pick. Senji only started 10 games, winning 5 of them. He did have a 90.6 save percentage, which comes in around league average, which is not too shabby for a rookie. I will follow Senji's career closely and may he be the first of many future first round goalies.
Atlanta Inferno: Alfred Yankovic, Defender from Quebec City Citadelles. TPE at time of article: 325
This guy! What else is there really to say about him? I mean, I guess we could go into the fact that a 61 year old comedy musician decided to try out hockey for the first time. Incredibly enough, he wasn't half bad either. Part of the reason he got drafted so high is because he's just a great overall locker room guy. He'll actually boost morale, unlike the other guys who "think" they know how to "play" the guitar. Another young defender for Atlanta, and at this point it seems like they're just hoarding them. Everyone knows defense wins championships and the Inferno are building the right way. Alfred came in just shy of the 100 hit marker with 99. He also blocked 65 shots and pitched in on offense with 11 points. He and Philip will make a formidable pairing throughout their careers in Atlanta.
Manhattan Rage: Nikolai Ayerzov, Right Wing from St. Louis Scarecrows. TPE at time of article: 283
Nearly done, which is good because I'm out of material and adjectives. Nikolai was a more defensive winger and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Every team needs a guy like this to balance their lines. With 60 blocked shots and 45 hits, Manhattan got a good one. He's no slouch on offense either as he was able to poke the puck into the net 7 times and throw it off his teammates for 10 assists. He'll continue to grow on both sides of the ice, but his low TPE could be a concern about his ceiling in the
Baltimore Platoon: Eric Tokke, Right Wing from Colorado Raptors. TPE at time of article: 326
Eric was an aggressive hitter racking up 60 its on only 9 minutes of average ice time. That also lead to 29 PIMs, which could be cracked down on. He's supposed to be an enforcer, but he lost all 3 of his fights. He'll need to hit the weight room and watch the Rocky series to learn some better moves. As an aspiring goon myself, I hope Eric figures it out. The league has gone soft and we need to get back to the good ole days of slobber knocking and nuck chuckin. His offense could use some work and as a forward, that is pretty important. That said, Baltimore looks to have gotten the guy who can protect their super starts, and that's almost as important as having a super star.
Z-Whiz![[Image: puddlesoduck2.gif]](https://sig.grumpybumpers.com/host/puddlesoduck2.gif)
![[Image: micool132.gif]](https://sig.grumpybumpers.com/host/micool132.gif)
![[Image: lUeg4KM.png]](https://i.imgur.com/lUeg4KM.png)
![[Image: mckeiltbb.png]](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/729032691974012989/1034830613875802174/mckeiltbb.png)
![[Image: Merica5.gif]](https://sig.grumpybumpers.com/host/Merica5.gif)
![[Image: DqlVneu.png]](https://i.imgur.com/DqlVneu.png)
![[Image: FVlMRDN.png]](https://i.imgur.com/FVlMRDN.png)
![[Image: q30YniK.png]](https://i.imgur.com/q30YniK.png)
![[Image: augr5GV.jpeg]](https://i.imgur.com/augr5GV.jpeg)
![[Image: Jepox.gif]](https://sig.grumpybumpers.com/host/Jepox.gif)
![[Image: Oats.gif]](https://sig.grumpybumpers.com/host/Oats.gif)
![[Image: 401.png]](https://s15.postimg.cc/snkmv5pmj/401.png)
![[Image: S42cup1.png]](https://s33.postimg.cc/byjza26z3/S42cup1.png)
![[Image: r-Wt4-AB350oooo.png]](https://i.postimg.cc/TwGddFcM/r-Wt4-AB350oooo.png)
![[Image: WuTGq5J.png]](https://i.imgur.com/WuTGq5J.png)
![[Image: XUMDqMO.png]](https://i.imgur.com/XUMDqMO.png)
![[Image: CaleSalad.gif]](https://sig.grumpybumpers.com/host/CaleSalad.gif)
![[Image: kalesaladshl.gif]](https://sig.grumpybumpers.com/host/kalesaladshl.gif)
