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***Jexter*** · 07-31-2024, 11:40 AM

With the SMJHL and SHL Drafts looming and the new season starting we have seen a lot of new players come in and many more older players recreating, people are wondering what they should make their new players. Stumped on what to make a render of for your new player? Wanna make sure the person or place or thing you basse your play off of will be a slam dunk? Well you are in luck because in this article, I will list off some great (or silly) renders and player names for you to take from and use as your own, mostly because I am a long while away from my next player. You’ll get a name, a render and a little bit of a description from my overactive mind so let us get started!

Name: Furstav Gosling
Position: Defender
Render: A bearded Ryan Gosling playing Gustav Forsling in a movie about Matthew Tkachuk.
Explanation: Well, this is a topical one with the Panthers as the Stanley Cup Champions, but Gustav Forsling is one of best defenders in the NHL right now and with how much the media loves to talk about the Tkachuk brothers, it is getting more and more likely that a movie might be made about him. It might be really bad and pointless, but let’s just say that Ryan Gosling gets cast in that movie (remember, he is Canadian) and he needs to go undercover to research the life of a hockey player. What better way than in the SHL?

Name: Hungry James
Position: Right Wing
Render: The Hunger Games
Explanation: May the odds be ever in your favor if you take this one as why not be the very means of oppression for an entire post-apocalyptic civilization? To be honest this might be a little dicey in the SMJHL, but hey maybe just pretend it’s Minecraft Hunger Games.

Name: Joe Okay
Position: Goalie
Render: Joey Daccord
Explanation: Our French speakers may recognize that Daccord is French for Okay, so this one is a little multilingual pun. Daccord was more than okay in his first full season in the NHL and could be a great play style to emulate in the SHL.

Name: Styhl Ainthapnen
Position: Defensive (shot blocking) defender
Render: A Bouncer at a Finnish Night Club
Explanation: a great shutdown defender is always in demand and a great way to strike gear in their hearts is with a massive Northern European in between the goal and the forward. Styhl is gonna make sure that nothing goes on while he is on the ice.

Name: Ada Burger
Position: Center
Render: A very satisfied Burger King Customer
Explanation: You gotta love a good hamburger and what better player than one who always has recently enjoyed a burger.

Name: Jordy Gubbstårta
Position: Forward
Render: A Jordgubbstårta, a Swedish Cake
Explanation: Be sweet and fluffy in this render that lets you have strawberries and cream on this pastry. This post brought to you by the Swedish Tourism Board

Name: Aerin Watershow
Position: Goalie
Render: Aerin Frankel in the cockpit of an F-16
Explanation: Aerin Frankel was a showstopper in the First PWHL Playoffs and another amazing show is the Chicago air and water show, where pilots also execute high difficulty maneuvers. Combining the two would make one of the most precise, highly skilled and quick reflexed goalies to ever exist.

Name: Natasha Forker
Position: Forward
Render: Natalie Spooner
Explanation: Spooner was the best scorer in the PWHL and led the first regular season champion PWHL Toronto team. When she went down with injury, the impact was noticeable. Be that same impact player on your team with this render.

Name: Pavel Joeski
Position: Center
Render: Joe Pavelski
Explanation: Pavelski is one the greatest to ever lace them up in the NHL and it is a shame he never got a cup to go with it. Maybe you can help in some small way by playing as him and getting him that (Challenge) Cup.

Name: Charlemagne Escargot
Position: Defender
Render: King Charlemagne enjoying a snail
Explanation: I’ll be honest, this is more just funny to me than anything clever really. The Name just kinda popped in my head.

Name: Anita Donut
Position: Forward
Render: Franklin D. Donut from RvB
Explanation: It’s not pink, it is lightish red. RIP Roosterteeth, but Red Vs. Blue is one of the best web series of all time.

Name: Maya T. Ducts
Position: Any
Render: The Entire Mighty Ducks
Explanation: one of the greatest hockey movies of all time and with the rebrand of the Anaheim Ducks harkening by to the old logo, there is no time like the present to represent this Iconic franchise.

Name: Doan Taskmi
Position: Forward
Render: Shane Doan
Explanation: Ever just do not want to be bothered? Well this is the one for you. Want an explanation? Don’t ask me.

Name: Graad Mipeetys
Position: Any
Render: A person at a computer looking at their watch
Explanation: we have all been in need of TPE or want to upgrade that last little stat but you are waiting for the grading team to post your awards. In this render, you will perpetually be in that state of mind, always hungry for more skill points. Is a max earner not what every team wants?

Name: Shirley Duntkall
Position: Any
Render: Leslie Nielsen from Airplane
Explanation: a classic line from a classic movie, not much else needs to be said.

Name: Earnie Madeoff
Position: Defender with high takeaway abilities
Render: Bernie Madoff
Explanation: You max earn for a season and look like a top draft pick, but in reality you are gonna try and leave after signing a massive rookie contract. (Do not actually do this, but feel free to do a lot of media about it).

Name: Rex ham
Position: Any (or GM/Owner)
Render: Rob McElhenney or Ryan Reynolds
Explanation: It has been fun watching the Wrexham FC rise and the documentary. Looking to have your own team rise from the ashes? What better way than some Hollywood star power?

Name: Patricia Undertaker
Position: Winger
Render: Patrick Kane
Explanation: Say what you will about Kane, he’s been one of the best American players in history and it is time for a distant relation of his to enter into the SHL. Patricia Undertaker is a puckhandling wiz with a wicked shot and the ability to make clutch plays in big moments. Look for about 3 Challenge cups from this player.

Name: Ken Derby
Position: Any, but need to put 20 in speed ASAP.
Render: Secretariat
Explanation: Secretariat was the most dominant horse to ever race and obliterated the record of the Belmont Stakes. Ken Derby lightning-fast skating enables him to outpace opponents and generate scoring chances for his team. Derby's agility and rapid acceleration make him a perpetual threat, whether he's racing down the rink or navigating through tight defenses.

Name: Ford D Love
Position: Forward
Render: Carlos Alcarez
Explanation: We need more representation from other sports and this tennis savant turned hockey player is another great addition. Love has great agility in side to side movement as well as acceleration and speed with accuracy in placing his shots.

Name: Loop D Loop
Position: Any
Render: A rollercoaster
Explanation: It is going to be a lot of emotions with this one. A lot of very high highs and low lows. Maybe your build will be very high in some stats to start and very low tpe in others just to have fun with it.

Name: Bashford
Position: Defender
Render: Rashford but on top of Rempe’s body
Explanation: Think of this as a marriage of Rashford’s skill and Bamford/Rempe’s abilities to just absolutely level the opposition in terms of hitting and fighting. Need someone to set the tone and get in a fight to be an instant crowd favorite, look no further.

Name: Paul Emtry
Position: Defender
Render: A palm tree
Explanation: Hockey is seemingly thriving in warm weather climates and maybe now you too can get in on the action with this render that stands tall against the opposition.

Name: Chicken the Tender
Position: Goalie
Render: A Chicken Tender
Explanation: We already have a Furious Chicken. Maybe now we need a more neutral one in net. And who does not want a chicken tender?

Name: Les Miserables
Position: Any, but you are a 3rd liner
Render: Victor Hugo
Explanation: Are you struggling for cash or TPE? Do you feel held down by the strict system? Well Look Down, Look Down, we’ve got a render for you. Look Down, Look Down, this might be something new. You will be hearing the people sing not your name as you toil away on the third line, unable to get proper recognition no matter how hard you try. But a little dusting of snow can hardly hurt you now.

Name: Kerry Awn
Position: Defender
Render: The Keep calm and carry on sign
Explanation: Another Classic Sign and really a good motto of being able to do your job. This is a grinding, fight them anywhere type defender.

Name: Flem Bender
Position: Forward
Render: Zuko from Avatar the Last Air Bender
Explanation: All aggression and bravery in this forward who is also looking for a fight to prove themselves (maybe to their father or maybe to themselves, but it should be for Uncle Iroh).

Name: Courtney Moot
Position: Defender
Render: Moot court
Explanation: Objection! Sustained pressure is a sure way to get a verdict in your favor as you file in to appear before the jury of your peers.

Name: Von Hondredd
Position: Center
Render: The 100 Emoji
Explanation: Need I say more?

Name: Carol Bear
Position: Defender
Render: A Care Bear
Explanation: Hug time! Everybody knows sharing is caring and what better way to share than having a pass heavy player, willing to share the points with their teammates.

Name: Pat Agonia
Position: Any
Render: A Patagonia pullover from the 80’s
Explanation: Be funky and retro, but still cool and outdoorsy with this look.

Name: Owen Goelle
Position: Defender
Render: Steve Smith
Explanation: spins chair around and sits down so. You messed up.

Name: Agud Boy
Position: Center
Render: Sasha Barkov
Explanation: Who is a good boy who plays Both ends of the ice as one of the best defensive forwards in the game? You are.

Name: Kyle LeChaffeur
Position: any
Render: Kyle the Chaffeur from Shrek 2
Explanation: looking good and being a supportive player. Drive your team of questionable morals to victory. Or near victory if you don’t get betrayed by a frog king.

Name: Ryan Rook
Position: Goalie
Render: Ben Bishop
Explanation: Big Ben Bishop was one of the biggest what ifs in the NHL as his career was drawn short by injuries. Maybe you will have much better luck, in no small part as injuries are turned off in this league.

Name: Reanu Keeves
Position: any
Render: Keanu Reeves
Explanation: Did you know that Keanu plays hockey? Of course he does, he is Canadian, but I wonder how he would have done professionally. Try to answer that question now with this player.

And that’s the list so far. I am sure I will come up with more over the next (many) months. Of course I could have used these names and renders myself, but that would have been a lot of money spent.

Have fun!

WC: 1891