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Claim me!
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What's up SHL fans? It's your boy, DTY, and I just finished blading through some sick hills in East LA. People look at me funny, like, "Is that dude rollerblading," and I'm like, "hell yeah, everyone gets from point A to B faster on eight wheels and Abec-9 bearings.

So, the word is out...I am sitting on the SMJHL waiver wire like the Toronto Maple Leafs sit on playoff leads. Okay, (laughs), I'm not squandering badly, but I am trying hard to remain as patient as possible. I have heard from a handful of GMs today and had a few solid conversations, but there are more than five SMJHL teams out there, so I figured now is the time to express why GMs must put in a claim for DTY.

First off, I bring the power. I'm a 6-foot-2, 215-pound brick sh*thouse out there. Everyone needs one, and nothing knocks it down. Like a carpenter, I lay the wood. I won't bore you all with the stats, but my U16 through U20 metrics are chocked full of the power numbers any team looking for a more physical aura is seeking. So, if you want the power of the Broad Street Bullies or Hanson Twins, claim me!

Aside from power, I'm smooth on the ice. I am like a Buick Skylark out there. Have you ever driven a Buick Skylark? Don't laugh; those things will turn your Tesla into a crushed Spaghetti-Os can. I had a Skylark as my first car, and that baby would hum on the highway. Deceptively fast. It's not the fastest auto on the freeway, but the Skylark stays chugging along when others break down. So, if you want a forward who can pull up at the stop light, tilt his head toward the Mustang driver, wink at the driver's girlfriend, and then blow both off the line when the light turns green...like a Torretto, claim me!

I'm a fighter...I always fight for my guys. I scrap in scrums and I will drop the gloves when needed. Somebody goons our captain; I will hop onto the next shift and go full Chuck Liddell. Need a spark during a flat period? Watch me start Superman punching dudes in the other color sweaters. Need to send a message? I'll be your Paul Revere riding the back of Grave Digger while wielding a lightsaber in one hand and a chainsaw in the other. If you want a player who will fold up their goons like a lawn chair, claim me!

I'm incredibly popular with the female fan base. It's no secret that hockey is a male-dominated sport, and teams don't struggle to attract the boys to games. But nobody wants to hang at a party that's 70% dudes, ever. Thus, you add this smile (smiles) to your roster, and the lady hockey fans will show. Hell, you'll get non-hockey female fans to come to the rink. Like a plumber, I lay the pipe. So, if you want the sickest ladies night in the SMJHL, claim me!

Alright, DTY'ers...I've gotta hit the shower and catch up on Love Island USA. We'll see what sweater I'm wearing for the next few years this time tomorrow. Until then, behave yourselves.

DTY, out.


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