Some people were destined to be hockey players. How important is a name in the making of a good quality hockey player? Connor McDavid, Radek Bonk, Brad Bombardir, Cal Clutterbuck; sometimes you can tell if someone is a hockey player based on their name alone.

When someone with a quality hockey name gets drafted past the third round, fans have no choice but to question if their GM is the right person for the job. Take Red Savage, the Detroit Red Wings 4th Round pick in 2021. Until 2021, the Yzerplan was widely accepted to be the road back to Stanley Cup success for the Red Wings. After a hockey name like Red Savage fell to the 114th pick, fans began to question if Stevie Y was the right guy for the job.

As we prepare for the Season 81 draft class to enter the SMJHL, we don’t have much to go on beyond their name. With players yet to prove themselves in the juniors, the best name determines draft order more than any other stat, scouting call, bank account, or locker room fit. Here is how this year’s SMJHL draft should go.

1.     Teemu Järvinen - Goalie
Scandinavian sounding name: check. Accent mark over one of the letters: check. Name ending in a “u”: check. Not sure if the J makes a soft of hard sound: check. Teemu Järvinen is sure to be a quality producer of hockey play for years to come.

2.     Bartholomew Aittokallio Lorequavius – Left Wing
The most unpronounceable names often times make the best players. This German winger is prepared to do what it takes to prove that Bartholomew Aittokallio Lorequavius should be a name on the lips of every hockey fan.

3.     Ryan Dino-Nugget Hopkins – Left Wing
Who doesn’t love dino nuggets? Who doesn’t love plays on real player names? Think of the merchandising opportunities. Dino-Nugget plushies will be the hottest toy in Q4 2025. Think of all the kids growing up who will be drawn to a quality young player’s name. Kids attending games automatically inflates ticket sales, since you have to include parents and often friends.

4.     Pierre LeBlanc – Right Defense
Pierre LeBlanc. Just say the name and try to imagine anyone other than a French Canadian kid who grew up playing on the frozen ponds of his neighborhood, before picking up the game more formally. Pierre is the consistent professional who will do anything to win, and even more to fulfil his personal goals. LeBlanc is sleek, speedy, crafty, and refuses to speak English in the locker room. He is simultaneously auditioning for a spot in the SHL and the role of the main antagonist in the next Mighty Ducks movie.

5.     Lou Logsky – Left Wing
Old school. Alliteration between first and last name will always earn a player extra points, especially from the broadcast booth. It’s just fun to say. Nickname options include Captain Lou, LL Bean, LL Cool J, Like Lou. Lots of potential here.

6.     Aartholomew Bittokallio Lorequavius – Right Wing
A bit derivative, and somehow less pronounceable than Bartholomew, Aartholomew has the advantage of appearing much sooner in the phone book, meaning they will likely receive more offers over the course of their career purely based on visibility. That said, their spoonerism-ed counterpart does have the advantage of being somewhat relatable to all the Barts out there, so it may even out in the end.

7.     Hoss Howler – Right Defense
Hailing from what I can only assume is somewhere near central Arkansas, Hoss Howler knows how to throw a party as much as they know how to throw a body check. Hoss can make a place for themselves in any locker room and knows how to motivate the team. Hoss rhymes with Boss, so one can safely assume that Howler will find their way to captaincy at some point in their career. If you’re looking for a good-ole-boy with a good defensive awareness, Howler might be your go to.

8.     Boone Breakaway – Left Wing
Calling back to the days of yore when your surname meant this is what you do for a living, Boone Breakaway has to prove Breakaway isn’t just a family name, but his appropriate identity. Boone is fun, because I love Fallout New Vegas, and Boone was usually the best companion to have. Plus Boone sound like someone who knows not just how to finish a check, but when to finish a check. I like to imagine at least a few breakaways

9.     Pasta the Turtle II – Right Defense
Is this name a reference to David Pasternak being a turtle in tense situations on ice? Well, he has had only one credited fight in his NHL career against Matthew Tkachuk in the playoffs, and frankly he fare too well. The only other instance that could be close would be a row with Tom Wilson, but Pasta got ragdolled by the ref before Wilson could get his hands on him. So is it a reference? Who knows. What we can deduce is that PtTII follows the namesake of a solid defenseman who played seasons 62 through 72, and was a significant defensive presence and quality shot blocker. That alone earns this generation of Pasta in the top 10.

10. Jean-Luc Gagnon – Right Wing
Somewhere between a Starfleet captain and an MMA powerhouse, Jean-Luc Gagnon is a specimen destined for the top 10. Gagnon has the entirety of French Canadia on his side, and that’s some solid merchandising potential. Not quite as militantly French Canadian as Pierre LeBlanc, Gagnon may have more appeal long term. But the big question on every GM’s mind has to be does the hyphen lower his draft stock enough to push him out of the top 10?

11. Mike Moodano - Center
A classic player with a hint of bovine power? The question is do you get Dallas Moodano or Detroit Moodano?

12. Sethastierikko Goslavechnaaliemiooketkov - Center
Beautiful. Just beautiful. The only reason they fall out of the top 10 is the cost to add Goslavechnaaliemiooketkov to the back of a jersey has to be prohibitive in the long term.

13. Jonny Hockey – Goalie
It just feels right.

14. Cowboy Casanova – Right Defense
I love a good name that tells you exactly who the person is. A name that functions as an adjective saves so much time. How did their parents predict so well?

15. Benevolent Kaiju – Left Defense
A well meaning gigantic left defenseman? This could literally be the end of the league as we know it.

16. Mikkel Yordan – Left Wing
MY doesn’t have the same appeal as MJ, but it’s still pretty cool.

17. Honk Shoo – Left Wing
This is probably the best name. Based on pure hockey potential alone, teams shouldn’t be left snoozing on Shoo.

18. Armani Dove – Right Defense
Sleek. Flashy. Beautiful. All words that come to mind when you think of Armani Dove. The subtle abundance present in this player’s name will have defenses playing strong to Dove, allowing for some awe inspiring assists and Datsyukian dangles for the zone entry. Edit to add I just noticed this player is an RD, so they might consider repositioning themselves to winger to really grow into their name.

19. Nicholas Scalice – Goalie
He’s got “ice” right there in his name!

20. Saku-Oliver Niemi – Left Wing
Saku-Oliver brings to mind Saku Koivu and Antti Niemi, two great Finnish players. Niemi really should go to a west coast team.

21. Orr 2.0 – Right Defense
This Cyber-Bobby Orr (or CyBobby as I like to call him) could be a real menace to the league.

22. Toivo Jokinen – Right Wing
Pure hockey name here. I think you have a lot of potential that could even propel Toivo straight into the late first round.

23. Benoit Jean-Luc Boucher – Center
A beautifully French Canadian addition to the league.

24. Thurston Bull - Center
Thurston is such an angst filled name, while Bull asserts dominance into their persona. The opportunities for catch phrases are endless. As a center, I see Bull playing a power forward style with the tendency to control the slot and jam rebounds past the goaltender.

25. Maximus Decimus Meridius – Right Wing
The prestige among the Roman and Latin speaking audience will sell a few extra jersey. A bigger plus if they can find a loophole that will allow Maximus to wear a Galea on ice.

26. Wal Rus - Goalie
A goalie with blubber means a goalie with mass. Mass means fewer pucks in net. Tusks mean more surfaces to block with. Walrus are good at being still to preserve their energy and maintain their mass. Despite their proclivity for quiescence, they are also terrifying when they become aggressive, and rarely back down from a brutal fight. Everyone loves a good goalie fight, which earns Rus a few bonus points. Wal Rus has a lot to live up to in net for whoever picks them.

27. Joseph Gates – Left Defense
Only one half of the gate protecting the goalie, but Gates could make a big impact on the blue line.

28. Mrkicksave41 – goalie
When your birth certificate reads like an Xbox username, you know you’re doing something right.

29. Thomas Passarelli – Left Wing
If Passarelli had been a playmaking center, it would have been game over for the league. If you can pass and your name is Passarelli, forget about it.

30. Dave Fournier – Center
My mind immediately goes to Dave Coulier, who I believe is a Red Wings fan? So that’s a plus.

31. Mack Blackston – Right Wing
Blackston feels like he just got off the train from New Hanover. Let’s see how well he can handle ice skates.

32. Rip Nicholas – Center
A bit too close to Tip for my tastes, but we can be three letter first name ending in IP buddies. At first I thought the name was a tribute to someone named Nicholas who passed away, but that doesn’t seem to be the case, so I’m happy about that.

33. Luke Toussaint - Center
Luke’s name projects work ethic, pride, and camaraderie. Expect a great teammate and dedicated player looking to constantly improve their game. On the flip side, does the site need more than one Luke?

34. D-Rock – Right Defense
D-Rok rolls right off the tongue. The biggest problem comes when you have to remove the hyphen for database purposes, and you just get drock.

35. Chubby Barista – Left Defense
Will they be too hopped up on caffeine to focus and play solid D, or will that black gold boost give them the ability to rip heavy slap shots down the lane and fill the net?

36. Koen Boekbinder - Center
Boekbinder, Dutch for Bookbinder, feels like an odd name for such a physical sport. Somehow the combination of Koen and Boekbinder makes it feel less out of place. Maybe all  of the book binding jobs went to automation, something Koen understood from an early age, allowing them to focus on learn a new set of skills to pursue the modern sport of hockey.

37. Serge Robidas – Right Wing
A solid second round name. I don’t know, I’m so tired at this point.

38. Treigh Bonser-Karhu – Right Wing
One of those names that feels harder to pronounce than it really is, Treigh provides the nation with a controversial hockey name, something people will have differing opinions on. All press is good press, and arguments over the hockey quotient applied to Bonser-Karhu’s name will push their online engagement up significantly, forcing teams to take a shot higher in the draft.

39. Wilhelm Seider - Center
You don’t need to guess Wilhelm’s country of origin, as this German wears a Bundesflagge on his metaphorical sleeve. Wilhelm’s name suggests a subtle powerhouse of a player. If they end up anything like the NHL’s most recognizable Seider, Wilhelm will be a bargain at number thirteen.

40. Patrick Rail – Left Wing
Rail is a badass name. Y’all about to get Railed would make a killer t-shirt with a graphic of Patrick steamrolling Brad Marchand.

41. Brady Johnson – Left Wing
Pure all-American Johnson

42. Jonas Gray – Right Wing
Is it Yo-Nas or Joe-Nas? Either way, a solid mid-draft pick up for whoever needs a consistent winger.

43. Greg Evil – Right Wing
Think of all the potential penalty minutes Evil could rack up by living up to their namesake.

44. Viktor Bjork-Pejikka - Goalie
This draft is stacked. In another year, you’d see this name go top 15 easily.

45. Evil Jordan Humphrey – Right Defense
The original Jordan Humphrey isn’t evil enough for hockey, but Evil Jordan Humphrey just might be.

46. Holeh Guacamoleh – Right Defense
Try not reading Guacamoleh in a Shrek-like accent. Whether intentional or not, I think this runs too close to the risk of a nasty meme or two.

47. Lolo Starfish - Center
Being tied to the namesake of a brand of starfish themed jewelry is a knock against this player, but it is kind of a cool name. I’m looking forward to seeing a starfish on skates.

48. David O'Connor – Right Defense
This feels like a hockey name, but an underappreciated one. Like, you know David O’Connor would be a solid third liner journeyman in the early 2000’s in the NHL. You can call this a sleeper pick, because that kind of player is always much more valuable to a team than an inconsistent, streaky semi-superstar. David O’Connor may be the best value of the second half of the draft.

49. Jose Brodeur – Goalie
A great surname to bring into the league for a netminder. But will the shoes be too big to easily fill?

50. Andrew Drewski – Goalie
Drewski can be used as both a nickname and a surname, so that’s a fun feature.

51. Jadon Fisk – Left Wing
Jadon Fisk has some real accountant or insurance agent vibes. I could absolutely see Fisk overcome this and become a rising name in the league in seasons to come.

52. Meredydd Myrick – Left Defense
Somehow this is the name I have no clue how to pronounce. Also Myrick is an uncommon name I’m connected to in real life, so that kind of creeps me out.

53. Gappy Hilmore – Left Defense
The spoonerism names have never impressed me much. I recognize this is personal preference, but I only know what I know. With the original character (Happy Gilmore for those unfamiliar with the subtle art of switching the first letters of two words), Gilmore was a sub-par hockey player that found his success in golf. For Hilmore, you have to assume the opposite: a sub-par professional golfer who picked up the blades of steel. He can put the puck through a five-hole like nobody has ever seen, but Hilmore has to learn to navigate having a golfer’s attitude in a hockey league. Instead of reigning in his anger, Hilmore will have to learn to throw some punches and slew some foots if he wants to stay in the league.

54. Dydney Frosby - Center
I guess this is not quite a spoonerism, but Dydney Frosby falls into that same category in my ranking. The real question is not whether Frosby can live up to their namesake. The real question is what does Frosby’s real world counterpart’s nickname translate into? Dyd The Mid? Dyd the Squid?

55. Leon Dusty – Right Wing
I think I saw the 1979 release Leon Dusty Sings the Blues in the $2 bin at my local record store last week.
 
56. Godfrey Williams – Right Wing
If Godfrey doesn’t pan out as a professional hockey player, you can feel okay about it because they will always have their career as a 90’s daytime talk show host as a fallback.
 
57. Erikka Kaila – Right Wing
There is no way I remember to spell “Erikka” with two K’s every time.
 
58. Jason Lamy - Goalie
Lamy is destined to be the absolute best third line player on your second favorite team.
 
59. Paul Missthenet – Right Defense
Missthenet is lucky they aren’t a forward with a name like that. You can forgive a D player shooting wide, because you still may get a deflection or bounce off the boards. That said, you still want some pucks on net from the blue line.
 
60. Josh Reser – Center
A perfectly cromulent name.
 
61. CJ Foley - Goalie
CJ Foley is a name that belongs on the cover of a folk album. Foley brings a revitalization to the folk scene with honest, sincere, heartfelt lyrics about the struggles of the poorest families in American, while also appealing to the TikTok generation with amazing hooks and powerful hey’s and ho’s  the press release would read. RYIL: Willi Carlisle, Townes Van Zandt, Justin Townes Earle
 
62. Johan Lodewyk – Right Defense
South Africa is not known to be an ice hockey country. Their team is currently ranked 47th in the IIHF (the real world IIHF, not the sim IIHF). They have an abysmal international record of 62-98-1, and tend to consistently finish around number 45 in recent tournaments. Johan could be named after a poet or a painter, two professions that do not seem to cross well with skills needed for ice hockey.

63. George Dankse - Goalie
This was a tough one. Dankse feels like such a dank hockey name. George, on the other hand, does not. I feel like if this were presented in the more filing oriented last name, first name format, Mr. Dankse would have moved up the list significantly.

64. Yuri Satoshi - Goalie
I was initially much higher on this name, but I found out that it is associated with anime production, so it feels like splitting their focus between ice hockey and designing characters for the Tekken animated television series might get difficult to balance.

65. Joe NHL – Left Wing
Wrong league, buddy.

66. Harland Sanders – Left Wing
It really depends on which era of Sanders we’re getting here. Is it old school, paternal Sanders who feels like the kind old man who has some genuinely concerning secrets? Is it modern, play-into-the-corniness Sanders? Is it Reba in a wig and fake beard Sanders? Time will tell.

67. Kelly McMahon – Right Wing
One of my best friends growing up had the last name McMahan, but he was not the hockey player type. Sorry.

68. Troy Martone - Center
This is another player that could go either way. The Martone surname is excellent, but it feels like it would be more at home in the body of a football player or even an Olympian. Troy is not a known hockey player name, and I feel like it will potentially hold this player back.

69. Logan Seymour – Left Wing
Having two first names is a tough path to take through life. Logan will have to prove his place in the league if he wants to Seymour interest in next season’s SHL draft.

70. ben – Right Wing
I think they may have hit submit before they finished filling out their application.

71. Kelly Sutherland – Left Wing
A referee transitioning to player is not something you ever want to be. What happens to cops when they go to jail? I would imagine something similar happens to ice hockey refs when they join the SHL as a player – Sutherland will need to keep his head on a swivel.

72. Jay Price – Right Wing
Jay Price makes me think of an underground record store owner who knows a lot about music, and maybe a little about hockey. There have been some great players with the last name Price, so I’m ready for Jay to prove me wrong on this one.

73. Peter Cross – Right Wing
Peter Cross is much more fitting a name for footy than ice hockey. I can imagine Cross either as a winger who is exceptional at sending the ball into the perfect spot in the box, or as a goalkeeper known for his enigmatic, big movements to make big saves.

74. Hunter Cross – Right Wing
(See above)

75. Timothy Welch – Left Wing
A perfectly cromulent name.

76. Matthew Pano – Right Wing
I’m not sure what to say about this name. It’s good. Pano on the back of a jersey will be fun. I think whoever picks Mathew will find themselves a gem.

77. Matt Smith - Center
Matt, your name is too perfect to be sullied by such a brutal sport as hockey. Every fight, every late hit, every high stick, your name loses more of its innocence.
 
Alright, that’s it. I’m publishing this before any more people recreate. I started off thinking this would be a fun article to kill some time, and then a million of you recreated and I had to commit to the bit. None of this is serious, and if I said something goofy about your real name, just remember you’re reading an article from a dude named Tip Toasty. Good luck in the draft!


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SHEESH I didn't even know it was apart of a anime production, nice call! Sad to see it fall!