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CourageTheCowardlyDog · 04-02-2013, 08:25 PM

Now that I have been drafted to Texas, something has been drawn to my attention. You see, everything is bigger in Texas, and as such Iâ€™m going to need to make major changes in my life. In order to pay for everything I demand that the Renegades give me a 1 year 20 million dollar contract. I of course demand such a large contract without giving reason, so let me tell you guys why I need all of your money.

First of all, everything is bigger in Texas. This includes penises Iâ€™m sure. Now, while I may be sufficient for the Detroit locker room, in all actuality I donâ€™t have much down there. Clearly if Iâ€™m going to continue to be a good team mate, I will need some work done.

Next we have the obvious problem. As soon as I cross the border into Texas I will grow exponentially and none of my clothes or shoes will fit. Since running around naked is illegal (pansy asses) I will need enough money to completely replace my wardrobe and shoe collection. Also since Iâ€™m pretty badass and was just drafted 5th Overall Iâ€™ll need to add some bling and some nicer clothes to my collection. This stuff doesnâ€™t come cheap.

Obviously with my sudden growth spurt and added penis length, my appetite will grow as well. Currently I eat roughly 8,000 calories a day. Iâ€™m guessing I will now have to eat around 10,000 calories a day now. Food isnâ€™t free and now that I am a high profile 5th Overall pick I expect to get my own personal chef who can cook for me at any hour of the night. Also I drink roughly 12 gallons of water a day now and with my added training, height, weight, and food consumption I expect that to double.

Now that Iâ€™m going to be living in Texas I will obviously need to own a Ranch. Iâ€™m thinking of calling it Hidden Valley Ranch just because I can. It will have to be roughly 10 acres. I obviously will need animals for my Ranch as well. Iâ€™m thinking 3 cows, 1 bull, 4 mares, 2 stallions, 2 goats, 4 pigs, and 4 chickens. Of course I will then need people to take care of all of these animals since I canâ€™t get my precious 5th Overall hands dirty.

Now that Iâ€™m a rich 5th Overall pick Iâ€™m going to need my own stylist to do my hair and another one to pick out my clothes for me. I donâ€™t want to just hire any old person, I demand that I find 2 attractive gay guysâ€¦for totally professional reasonsâ€¦.

Now that I have a giant Ranch Iâ€™m going to need someone to clean my house for me. I surely be expected to clean with all of my hockey related responsibilities. I donâ€™t hire some foreigner who just hopped the border either. I want a nice sweet old lady who reminds me of my grandmother. Even if she doesnâ€™t do as good of a job, she is who I want.

As you can see there are clearly ample reasons for me to get a 1 year 20 million dollar contract. Just let me know where I need to sign.