Login

5ympathies · 12-24-2018, 06:13 PM

First Article 2x Bonus
Word Count: 1085
Proudly presented by the Dick Clapping Media Group.

Dick Clapping, A New Kelowna Tradition

On Sunday, December 24th, reporters crowded into the locker room to hear from the Kelowna Knights' newest rookie signings. Waiting patiently for the players to finish practice and spill into the room, the reporters were chatting among themselves about which player the media should gang up on this week. Soon after TSN reporter Billy Mackenzie broke out the random number generator app on his phone, the players started trickling into the locker room after an exhausting first practice. Billy made a mental checklist of the players passing by, and after the locker room door finally swung shut, he couldn't help but notice that the newest member of the Knights, Dick Clapper, was missing. Just as he was about to raise his voice and ask the room about the newest rookie, the players suddenly started a drum roll. The Knights formed two lines, facing each other, with their hands slapping against their thighs. Little did the reporters know, what happened next would be the start of a legendary Kelowna Knights tradition.

A loud "WOOOOOOOO" could be heard from a distance, as well as the sound of a heavy man sprinting down the hall towards his newest teammates. The door suddenly swung open, slamming against the back of the wall with a ground shaking thud. In the doorway, standing against the dim lights of the hallway was none other than the missing rookie winger, Dick Clapper. With a single powerful breath, he belted out the now infamous phrase, "WHEEL SNIPE CELLY BOYS", and was greeted by the thunderous roar of the Knights locker room. Clapper let out an ear-piercing yelp that could only be vaguely described as the sound "Yeet", and ran between the players, smacking their genitals along the way. When he reached the end of the two lines, the rookie spun around and prepared to offer his words of wisdom to his new team. The players all joined hands, and Clapper was poised as if he was about to say a few words of prayer before a family dinner.

"Brothers, thank you for welcoming me with open arms. If you pledge your allegiance to our Kelowna Knights, as the new Holy Shaman Commander of the Knights I will carry you myself to the gates of Valhalla, shiny and chrome. Do you believe in yourselves, your brothers, and most importantly, YOUR TEAM?" Clapper's inspiring sermon was met with a boisterous roar of approval from around the room. "Well then, with the power vested in me by the collective ball sweat on my hands, let me say this... WE GOT A FUCKING SQUAD NOW." The room erupted in celebration and snippets of "THERE YOU GO! THERE YOU GO!" could be heard along with chants of "IT'S COMING HOME, IT'S COMING HOME, IT'S COMING - HOCKEY'S COMING HOME".

In what could now only be described as the strangest post-practice celebration known to hockey, Dick Clapper had created something magical in the Knights locker room. The man had transformed the previously dead atmosphere of the last-place SMJHL team to a brotherhood more fitting for a cult than a junior sports team. Nevertheless, the Knights have found their spiritual leader and mascot in their newest rookie signing, and are now prepared to take on whatever crosses their path on their road to the Four Star Cup.

~~~

Dick Clapper's environment growing up was unique, to say the least. His mother was a long distant relative of the famous NHL player Aubrey Victor "Dit" Clapper and so even after marriage she kept her maiden name to preserve the legacy. She longed so badly for a son and so when Dick was born he was one of seven children. Both of his parents loved hockey and they wanted to honour their distant relative "Dit" but instead of naming their child Audrey or Victor after him, they named him Dick because although they loved hockey, they loved memes more. Dick's parents wanted nothing more from him than success in the world of hockey so they homeschooled him where they could make sure he had nothing to do all day but practice. They built a backyard rink in Vancouver, something that cost a crazy amount in upkeep because the temperature in Vancouver is hardly ever below 0 degrees. His mother taught him all the mandatory subjects but made sure to include a section about memes every time he learned English. His sisters, however, were not homeschooled so they all made sure to fill in the gaps of his education.

Most people when meeting him for the first time assumed his name was actually Richard and he just went by Dick in shorthand. Upon correction the usual reactions were "Uhh you're kidding right?" or "Hahahah dude sucks to be you". As such, Dick became used to the ridicule and it bothered him less and less as time went on. As he grew older he began to embrace the fact that he was a meme more and more. After years of hearing the same joke about him clapping dicks, he figured why not actually do it? He started by doing the act after only wins and only to a few players. Some thought he was the weirdest dude alive, but all the others were laughing way too hard to judge what was going on. As his post-win celebration occurred more frequently, the majority of the locker room took notice and his dick clapping antics increased in regulation. The clapping became more structured and the boys began to line up in rows to be more efficient. Additionally, instead of only occurring after wins, he began to do it after all games and practices as well. He soon began to finish with a short speech to rally up the boys and insisted that his teammates refer to him as the Holy Shaman Commander. As teams change and Dick is welcomed into additional locker rooms, he makes sure to start this tradition again as soon as possible wherever he ends up.

Dick Clapper's environment growing up was unique, to say the least. His mother had him to fulfill a dream of hers. That dream being she wanted to create a meme about hockey. Much to her delight, she created a child whose own memes spread further and further every time he joins a new hockey club.