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A Draft Prospectus of the best goalie in his class

Growing up on Mars, Casimir Stevens never saw himself as one who could eventually make it to the best virtual hockey league in the world. But here he sits, prior to draft day, awaiting the day that had been long-awaited for more than he knew. As a child, Cas would often play with the neighbor’s pets by testing out how many paint balls they could take before getting angry and running away. This naturally led to his first passion, hockey. Playing on the frozen lakes of Mars was a great pastime, learning how to skate on rocks. Casimir grew up with an abusive father, who often made sure to bring up the trophy he won in his fake simulation hockey league and got named after himself. Ole Scotty Stevens was never one to shy away from tossing pucks at his child, which initially made Casimir really good at dodging the puck, not a good skill to have for a goaltender. That movie dodgeball where he says “if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball”, really applied to Casimir’s childhood. Sometimes we would mix it up and shoot rocket propelled grenades which are especially hard to dodge. Eventually the training shifted into stopping the puck, which is the purpose of a goaltender in professional hockey.

It wasn’t until junior league that Casimir decided to start taking things more seriously, like actually practicing and training and growing his weaknesses into non-weaknesses. Casimir’s main strength has always been his Style Control, I mean we can all see just how fly he is with his Ray-Bans and black leather jacket, goalies of the league were on notice that whenever Cas changed up his style others would follow. Reaction time and hand speed were the skills that were developed next, as they were necessary to dodge the pucks his father threw at him. No matter how great his reaction time though, Cas could never dodge the emotional abyss that was his soul. This is when his first girlfriend came into the picture, who taught him how to puck handle and work the trapezoid.

These were just some of Casimir Steven’s early childhood influences that led him to become the goaltender he is today for the Vancouver Whalers. Rivalries were always something he loved, and so now I got the chance to catch up with young Cas to ask his thoughts on his other goaltenders.
Q: “Rank your biggest competition coming into the draft”
A: “I tell ya what, my competition begins and ends with me. I am my own worst enemy and my own best friend. I was tripping acid last weekend with Peter Larson and we did get to bonding a bit, but he told me not to tell anyone about his small hands he’s pretty insecure about them and often wears gloves to cover them up! Other rivals are Yuri Yurchikaovonowski and Mike McKorsy, as well as Mike Hunt and Lee Marshall. Marshall is the known writer of the group, we all wish we could be as good as him. McKorsy is my closest competition TPE wise, it’s like this imaginary stat that we use to compare ourselves with. Tibuk Soonika is my biggest competition on Canada, we both want to win gold so he’s the one goalie I have respect for since we both have the same dream to bring gold home in the WJC. Eddie Ask JR is of course my amazing backup who has outshined me at times this season in Vancouver, so I hope to come in hot next season and re-establish myself as a dominant force. I’ve been taking a lot of steroids to increase my size so I hope that will do the trick.

Q: Who do you hope to be drafted too on the big night?
A: Well my dad and @sarmo’s dad used to play together back in the good ole days when times were simpler. Scotty had led his team to a Challenge Cup in LA and Canada to 2 gold medals, so you could say winning is in my dna. In that sense I’d like to go to a good team with a winning culture. I also have the goal of wanting to set some records of my own and surpass my father, so an expansion team where I could have the opportunity to grow with an active locker room and help instill that culture of winning would definitely be amazing to me. Sometimes at night when I go to sleep I dream of winning gold and throwing it at my dad’s face and telling him to suck it and ask if he’s proud of me now, to which he always replies no in my dreams then I wake up crying and have to ask my imaginary girlfriend to hold me. Hopefully once I’m drafted I can upgrade to a real girlfriend, my pillow is getting a bit worn out. Oh anyways, I want to go to a team where 1) I can start after I finish out my next 3 seasons of junior. 2) Lots of active fun people; if @slothfacekilla is there I’m more likely to re-sign longterm. 3) Don’t draft one of the other top goalies in my class with me; splitting us would just be a shitty tactic all around I mean pair me with someone that’s in the bottom half of my goalie class and that would be fine, but splitting someone like me and @Tomasnz would just be unfair to both of us. My dad used to be GM of Hamilton as well so I wouldn’t mind going back there. Also LA is kinda assholes for not having my dad retired over there so I don’t think I want to go to their stinky team anyways.

Q: Who are some of your favorite non-goalie prospects in this draft:

A: Well Johnny Sins is always inviting me to one orgy or another seemingly every other weekend, and he’s known for his D. He has a really long D and he’s good at blocking shots as well, was top 5 in the league! I love my defensive defenders who may not necessarily show up on the stat sheet. Keep my GAA down and I buy everyone some steak dinners. Or we can go hunting and shoot up the town then eat that meat for dinner. Another player I’d be excited to be drafted to the same team as is Boromi Canoli since we play together for the Vancouver Whalers currently and I always follow his social media to see where he’s going with everyone when they don’t invite me and I’m stuck home alone with my imaginary girlfriend and Ask and McZehrl who somehow bondaged himself up again. Monkey D Luffy is our Captain for Canada so he would certainly be someone I’d love to play with in the big leagues. Luffy is a highly touted born leader that I wouldn’t be surprised if he goes top 5 in the draft. Any team with a defensive lockdown mentality and great 2-way players is a team that I’m going to be interested in. I like when we score goals but if I get too many scored on me then I get sad and have to go to my comfort teddy bear. Another player absolutely everyone would love to play with is Lunga Gumba, aka pingy aka oomba goomba bading bagly goo. He’s the type of guy that could give everyone a stroke after a year of having to share a locker room with him, so that’s always fun right. One guy that’s actually competition but I wouldn’t mind sharing a locker room with is Lee Marshall; he’s not the highest tpe so I feel like I could start over him but he’s got a good presence and would be a fun backup to ride my coattails. Perhaps one of the most controversial figures in this entire draft is the great Troy Reynolds. Known for writing checks with his mouth that his butthole can’t cash, he singlehandedly blew Detroit out in the trash-talk games of S45. Detroit got send back to the paleolithic era with trash so dirty it had pingy wondering why he hasn’t showered in 3 years and how Detroit is even dirtier than that. Let’s take a second to talk about Kit Smeb. The Smebbiest of the Smeb brothers, he’s also known for being a lottery pick this year as he has gambled away most of his savings in the lottery. He needs to pay for the rest of the smeb brothers and win big money no whammy stop! Like that game show. I could see him going top 5 as well. Then we have Nikolai Evans aka Ztevens, he’s pretty good at hockey as well and led his team after a crappy slow start to a slightly less crappier overall season. One of my favorite players is Pris, known for mentoring her fellow S45 draftees and leading the mentor team. Anastasia O’Koivu is actually the bastard sibling of one of my fellow goaltenders Alexi O’Koivu, who dropped off the map a bit there when he found the edge of the Earth on a trip to the arctic; but rumor has it he climbed back onto the map. Anastasia is another top 5 pick, looks like we’re gonna have about 10 top 5 picks in this draft so expect Eggy to announce a new rule of 2 picks per draft slot. Rumor has it McZehrl is still angry about not getting an expansion team to participate in the draft. Olivier Cloutier is expected to go at the bottom of the last round, much to the chagrin of her father Dan Cloutier who was a goalie for the Vancouver Canucks known for letting a beach ball get past him. Big Dick Nick Brain is a huge fan favorite, getting a lot of spotlight recently for orchestrating a summer-league allstar prospect showcase of north America versus world. He’ll write his own article about that, but I hear it is going to game 7. If the rumors are true and his dick is really as big as his brain, then you’ve got a born leader there just keep him away from your girlfriends since he’s as charming as he is good at hockey and scoring points.

Q: What do you think of draft order on the goalies:
A: I really think this could go like fantasy football quarter back position. Or the goalie position in fantasy hockey. There is not much dropoff from the elite to the backups in this class as we have 12/14 still active. Whenever the first goalie is taken expect the next 2-3 top tier ones to go; then I wouldn’t be surprised if the rest of the goaltenders are taken as late round value picks. The thing is the top 5 goaltenders are in general pretty close to each other, but you also have beast tremendous non-risky picks available at 6/7/8 in recreates with Wally and Ask. Don’t be surprised if those go earlier than goalies with more tpe that are first-years, as they have a safety that you can really bank on. Then the 7-12 goalies are all extremely close to each other as well, so saying that goalies will go in 2 phases does not surprise me. I do expect to be one of the top 3 goalies off the board; then Mike McKorsy and/or Peter Larson in my opinion. We will see come next Sunday !

Q: Any Closing remarks?

A: I just want to say that I’m very grateful and humble to be spoken of as the best young goalie to ever come up out of the pipeline, and in fact I’d say I am the single most humble player alive. When I’m the first goalie drafted I promise I will be the biggest team player and winning always comes first, egos come 2nd then pancakes or waffles with breakfast then a training session leading up to the first preseason games. I can’t wait to win for my new team!

(2021 words) x2 -> $4mil

2) Lots of active fun people; if @slothfacekilla is there I’m more likely to re-sign longterm. 

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