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*slothfacekilla* · 02-15-2019, 05:56 PM

1,185 Words (not counting this top part), plus digging through way too many sim recaps if that counts for anything?
Ready for grading, 2x draft media me plz.
(Also this is a long one for that sweet cash, so if I pinged you maybe just control f your name or just move along completely. Apologies for any weird typos, my insomnia is running wild on me.)

Welcome to the first installment of Slothface's Slow Jams, the one stop source for Jimmy Slothface's various ramblings in the SHL!

With the S46 SHL Draft rapidly approaching in less than forty-eight hours, I realized that at the pace I work at I needed to get working on my article. That SHL equipment isn't going to pay for itself. At first I figured I would focus on my fantastic teammates in Halifax and examine their draft stock. I'm a bit biased, but I feel that the Raiders are going to produce some of the top incoming SHL talent for this draft. But, I should have known that my dedicated teammates would be way ahead of me. Andrej Doskočil @Citizen of Adraa had a fantastic thread predicting where some of the Halifax rookies would be headed in the upcoming draft. The Raiders' goalie Mike McKorsy @Flames1848 also wrote a great rundown of the Halifax rookie class. Also I would be remiss to not mention the Tweedle Telegraph's @tweedledunn very thorough write up on Matt Kholin and yours truly, Tweeds talks to us in our locker room, so it counts damn it. Between those three articles I decided that the SHL GM's have plenty of information on the Halifax Raiders, and instead decided to focus on some of the non-Raider players who are looking to get picked on Sunday.

Unfortunately (well actually fortunately, but unfortunate for my sloth paws) this is a HUGE draft class, and I have been a little... slow in meeting and making friends with all of my lovely fellow draft hopefuls. So to limit my research and how long this article ends up being I am going to grab the 69th posted mock draft from the mock draft thread and profile the first five non-Raiders in that person's mock draft. So it looks like....Mel hasn't filled anything in.

So instead I will be using the 70th post in the thread so shout out to @LonnyBohonos16 for the mock. Or shout out to whoever came up with that order first and it got copied 50 times, I guess. Anyways... And like I mentioned, ol Jimmy unfortunately hasn't been able to fully meet and befriend everyone in this draft class, so I will mainly be focusing on a specific on ice interaction I had with each player from the previous SMJHL season. I did my best to find fun interactions in the sim, but I did have to take some artistic liberties with them. So without further ado, I present my scouting masterpiece: The First Five Non-Raiders Mocked in the First Round By Lonny Because Mel Didn't Fill In the Draft And I Have the Humor of a Twelve Year Old (FFNRMITFRBLBMDFITDAIHTHOATYO for short if you want).

1.

Hamilton Steelhawks - Nikolai Evans
@ztevans
SHL Team: Montreal Militia Militia

Offensive Defenseman
Sloth Interaction: Game 27, Halifax Raiders (2) vs. Montreal Militia (4), "Free Puck Retrieved by Vegeta Muerto. Pass to Jimmy Slothface. Jimmy Slothface moves puck in neutral zone. Jimmy Slothface moves puck in Montreal Militia zone. Pass by Jimmy Slothface intercepted by Nikolai Evans."

First of all... what the shit Nikolai? I was just minding my own business trying to make a pass without tripping over my own skates because I probably had about 90 tpe this game. But this definitely left an early impression and reinforced my mind why Evans was drafted to Montreal with the first overall pick. He may be an offensive defenseman, but plays like this show why Evans is a highly coveted player at the SHL level. I even looked up his stats, and he was tied for sixth last season in shots blocked for the entire league. Offensive defenseman my sloth butt... the only offensive thing about this is how much better of a player Evans is than me. That isn't even true, Evans had the most points of any Montreal rookie this year despite being a defenseman. This makes Nikolai a very complete player and it looks like he will continue the tread of being selected at the top of drafts.

2.

Hamilton Steelhawks - Anastasia O'Koivu
@Pris

SHL Team: Colorado Raptors Raptors

Defensive Defenseman
Sloth Interaction: Game 3, Halifax Raiders (4) vs. Colorado Raptors (5) (SO), "Puck is dumped in Halifax Raiders zone by Jakub Novak. Puck retreived by Jimmy Slothface. Pass by Jimmy Slothface intercepted by Anastasia O'Koivu in neutral zone."

This was my first SMJHL game of my career, so I spent most of the game turning circles in the neutral zone on drooling on my jersey here and there. I was given clear direction by the coaching staff that I was in way allowed to attempt a pass outside of the offensive zone (seriously go back and look how many times Jimmy Slothface is just icing or dumping the puck, what a loser). But there I went trying to make a breakout pass from our zone late in the game, and Anastasia hit me with a "stay fresh cheese bag" as she intercepted the puck in the neutral zone. O'Koivu definitely is going to bring this sort of defensive game to her SHL team, one only has to look to her rookie accomplishments to know that she's a force in her own zone: seventh on the Raptors in total penalty kill min (less than 30 minutes off of the team leader!), fourth on the Raptors in blocked shots, and fifth on the Raptors in hits. This is even more impressive in that many of the players ahead of her played many more minutes. With this strong defensive game, and clubs in search of defense, O'Koivu will most likely hear her name early on Sunday.

3. [Image: barracuda.png]

Tampa Bay Barracuda - Olivier Cloutier

@Jenny

SHL Team: Anchorage Armada Armada

Sniper Forward
Sloth Interaction: Game 31, Anchorage Armada (3) vs. Halifax raiders (2) (SO), "Puck retreived by Dylan Karlsson. Pass to Jimmy Slothface in neutral zone. Jimmy Slothface moves puck in Anchorage Armada zone. Jimmy Slothface is hit by Olivier Cloutier."

So I gotta say, this was probably my favorite scouting to do. I had already scored the first goal of my career earlier in this game, and for once I was feeling confident. I attempted to skate the puck, thinking I was the next Gordie Howe, when wham bam thank you ma'am Olivier Cloutier came across the middle of the ice and absolutely clobbered me. It must have been something I said when we met at the prospect showcase tournament because Cloutier isn't a volume hitter on the season, posting the fourth lowest hit total of any Armada player who played 50 games. Olivier was too busy putting up points, finishing tied for second in Armada rookie goal scoring and fourth in rookie Armada assists. Seeing as how there were four Armada rookies that averaged over seven minutes more per game than Cloutier, these totals are very impressive. You have to wonder why Cloutier didn't see more minutes last season, but I'm sure the SHL GM's know this is just the tip of the iceberg. Olivier certainly left an impression on Jimmy here. As I laid on the ice trying to think if I had said something wrong to Olivier on social media, I wasn't sure if it was the stars I was seeing or if my impending concussion had already grabbed hold, but all I could really focus on was, "wow that was an incredibly attractive face that just ran through me." So all in all, worth it.

4. [Image: stampede.png]

Buffalo Stampede - Borromini Cannellini
@ArGarBarGar

SHL Team: Vancouver Whalers Whalers

Sniper Forward
Sloth Interaction: Game 105, Halifax Raiders (4) vs. Vancouver Whalers (2), "Jimmy Slothface moves puck in Vancouver Whalers zone. Puck is dumped in Vancouver Whalers zone by Jimmy Slothface. The puck is stuck in Borromini Cannellini's hockey pants and the ref must blow the whistle dead as Jimmy Slothface tries to dig it free."

Sorry Borromini, I didn't mean to get my stick all up in your business but I was just trying to get the puck free you know. I'm definitely glad you were wearing a cup. I remember this game pretty well as this was an actual Halifax win! One of the big reasons we were able to grab the win was because we were able to execute one of our coaches' biggest gameplan points: shut down Cannellini. We were able to hold their second line center to a mere 1 shot and no points on the day, which was huge for us. This was important as Borromini finished first in rookie forward points for the Whalers. He also was trusted with the most ice time of any rookie forward, and we knew there was a reason for it. I did have to stop by the Whalers' locker room after the game and apologize to Cannellini for our little incident, I also had to retrieve the lumber that was still lodged in his pants (there's a sex joke in there somewhere). I also had to stop in to talk to prospect showcase tournament, as I had very fond memories of it and it is no secret it would not happen without Borromini's dedication to the event. Whichever team grabs him is getting a gem.

5. [Image: chiefs.png]

Minnesota Chiefs - Monkey D. Luffy
@TnlAstatine

SHL Team: Lethbridge Lions Lions

Offensive Forward
Sloth Interaction: Game 176, Halifax Raiders (2) vs. Lethbridge Lions (1), "Matt Kholin is ejected from face-off, Jimmy Slothface takes his place. Monkey D. Luffy wins face-off versus Jimmy Slothface in neutral zone."

This one really haunts me. So first off, I'm no center. The only face off I really know involves Nic Cage and John Travolta, but I still take pride in my game. So you have to imagine my frustration every time Matt Kholin gets a little trigger happy in the dot and gets kicked out. Now here comes Sloth sliding in to take the draw. Wow did I even move when the puck was dropped? Monkey straight ripped the puck away from the drop and left me in his dust wondering what the hell just happened. Way too easy for the guy. Luffy was getting worked in the circle all game too (only 10 wins out of 25 faceoffs cmon bud). I'm guessing it is because Luffy has better things to do than worry about face offs, like putting up points: Luffy's 31 points in 50 games narrowly put him in second of all rookies in points scoring this past season. Even more impressively, he did it with an expansion squad and ended the season tied with a veteran for second in points on the Lions. It is no secret that Luffy is a points machine, and SHL GMs must be eager to add this kind of production to the talent pool. And for the record, I won my other face off this game (thanks again Matt).

*slothfacekilla* · 02-15-2019, 05:59 PM

And I was just told it was pinging people when I was saving my draft over and over.... I'm so sorry everybody.

*Jenny* · 02-15-2019, 06:07 PM

:*

*Good_Ole_Kimmy* · 02-15-2019, 06:08 PM

02-15-2019, 05:59 PMslothfacekilla Wrote: And I was just told it was pinging people when I was saving my draft over and over.... I'm so sorry everybody.

Ive learned that the hard way too, it really sucks

bilbo · 02-15-2019, 06:15 PM

FFNRMITFRBLBMDFITDAIHTHOATYO HYPE

*slothfacekilla* · 02-15-2019, 06:18 PM

02-15-2019, 06:08 PMGood_Ole_Kimmy Wrote:
02-15-2019, 05:59 PMslothfacekilla Wrote: And I was just told it was pinging people when I was saving my draft over and over.... I'm so sorry everybody.

Ive learned that the hard way too, it really sucks

*tweedledunn* · 02-15-2019, 06:23 PM

TnlAstatine · 02-15-2019, 06:34 PM

bless you mr. slothy sloth. thanks for letting me win a face off for the first time in my life

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