02-19-2019, 06:12 PM(This post was last modified: 03-03-2019, 10:47 AM by Julio Tokolosh.)
The worst (real) predraft questions, and their somehow worse answers.
Self-reported by Julio Tokolosh
About the author:
What a lot of people don’t know about me, is that a tokolosh (often spelled tokoloshe) is actually a Zulu spirit. After centuries of grinding for spiritual TPE, some smarmy scientists decided that my body count was caused by sleeping on the floors with lit fires and poor ventilation causing people to suffocate in their sleep. This got me cut from the spiritual roster, and I’ve been practicing hockey ever since.
The SHL’s wimpy sister mainstream league is renowned for asking soft questions to recruits, candidates, and potential draftees. With the goal of casting everyone in a positive light, general managers play tummy sticks in an effort to boost their potential star power and profits. Everyone comes out of the meetings relaxed, with their hair even more coiffed than it was when it started. Hands get shaken, babies get kissed, and Dany Heatley gets picked second overall. To show that I, Julio Tokolosh, have the highest mental fortitude, I have sought out the worst and least professional scouting questions ever asked of a potential athlete.
In place of high fives and bonding, I will voluntarily discuss my minus 5 and bondage.
1- Do you find your mother attractive?
She's pretty, but I'm not attracted to her.
2- Do you like men?
I half like men. If I'm watching an adult film, I need a man’s and a woman’s presence in the film, otherwise its a homosexual film (solo female doesn't do it for this cow). Arguably the straightest film of all is one with a traditional female and a person born as a female but with a little surgery. That way, you’re technically (“technically” isn’t the right word anymore in 2019) just cranking it to straight porn but fewer dudes to distract you.
3- When did you lose your virginity?
I haven’t met the right cow yet. I got really close in grade 2, though.
4- Is your mother a prostitute?
Yikes, I should call her more.
5- What’s your murder weapon of choice?
I prefer a classic trampling, but I think it was really neat how they (spoilers) electrocuted the guys in Ozarks on Netflix
6- Would you rather be a cat or a dog?
Dog. but I could never get a dog, not while I’m so busy. I’d need something more disposable, like a gerbil.
7- Where are you sitting on a bus speeding on a mountain?
As an African spirit, the answer used to be “the back”, but through years of change and progress, I am now free to die in any seat of my choosing.
8- Where does the sun rise, and where does it set?
East and West. I’ve been a spirit on Earth for all of time (roughly 2500 years, the Christians weren’t that far off, and the Mormons are even closer than you think), and the flat earth discussion has been one of the most foolish.
9- Would you share your internet history with us?
Yea, I’m trying to recruit people to join my simulation of a simulation hockey league, so if that gets the word out why not.
10- What color is chocolate?
Ooh, brown. White is too sweet, dark is too tart. lolz.
11- Boxers or briefs?
Boxers. As a cow, all briefs have “The Udder Cut” and the wiring and push up nonsense just makes them so uncomfortable.
12- How many ways could you use a brick in a minute?
I don't really get this one? I don't know what the Cleveland Browns hoped to learn from this, but it explains enough about their franchise that most people really already knew.
13- What team do you pick in EA’s NHL
I haven’t played a hockey game since Hitz stopped updating the rosters. I’d follow Chris Pronger to Lethbridge.
14- What kind of fish are you?
I don’t know a sea cow? Is that a fish or a mammal. OnceIi get paid, I’m getting a koi pond.
15- Are you afraid of clowns?
No. As far as spirits go, the guy from IT wasn’t actually that bad (fun fact, he was actually a spider, but people don’t care about that stuff). Did you know that in the book, the 11-year-old kids have an orgie in the sewers at the end? Seriously. Look it up, but carefully. Can’t believe they cut that from the theatrical version.
I’m looking forward to meeting all of you draft night. If you have any worse questions, please save them for a post-game interview.
Julio Tokolosh![[Image: blurrybad.jpg]](https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/228335852336578560/685497110250127390/blurrybad.jpg)
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