Login

Julio Tokolosh · 03-08-2019, 02:18 PM

After my last post predicted the prolonged success of pure rookie Jax Duggan, I noticed some troubling news about the young Whalers' stud.

This off and on discomfort could potentially have adverse effects on the young defenseman. Adverse effects that could potentially make my articles and findings and junk science even more irrelevant. At first glance, the easy solution is to go to bed. Its way past his bedtime and he has a tripleheader starting at noon (or whenever they post the damn sim) against Halifax, St. Louis, and Anchorage. Those are two opponents I would get a solid night's sleep for, particularly if there were only 2 minutes of downtime from the final buzzer of game 1 and the puck drop of game 2.

If Duggan's face hurt enough the following day, enough to disrupt his on-ice performance, my article would lose credibility, and my journalistic integrity as a cow would start to crumble, and I would have to resort to submitting signatures and then waiting at least a month to get paid for them (or longer, still waiting for 3 weeks worth of submissions).

I sprung into action to ensure that my golden boy would stay relevant and did what any other loser, sitting up at 3AM staring at an empty discord chatroom, would do; I went to WebMD to use my spiritual science skills.

An 18-year old (Pro hockey rookie, first year of eligibility, im ignoring his player page) male with the looks of drew doughty, and the build of an NFL linebacker. Neither his agent nor Tortorella could be reached to confirm if he did or did not have diarrhea. That is such a weird word to spell.

I've never met Duggan, but I went with my gut (ironically, I have diarrhea), and left the other symptoms off, knowing full well that Doughty has never had the runs in his life. Scrolling through the options, all I could think about was how worried I was about these possibilities, and that my study would be left in ruins. Until I stumbled upon the bottom option.

It all made sense. When that piece of shit Aleister Crowley showed up late, stunk up the rookie discord and bailed, Jax had been sharing some minutes with him on Vancouver's second powerplay unit and must have accidentally gotten a fleck of poo on his hands. Crisis averted, things should be back to normal soon. I don't expect a wild performance today, but please hydrate and wash your hands.

It's too late, the tripleheader ended, and he slept through the first game (0's across the board), mild Jax performance in the second (1A, 2S, 1H), and then snapped out of it for the third game (4PIM, 1S, 3H, 3 SB). Good, the prediction machine is still intact. I can still predict the future, and Jax is still elite.