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Julio Tokolosh · 04-10-2019, 03:31 AM

1364 Words - x 2 for rookie/draft media

After a picture of the junior league phenom, Cullen Gray @Gray, surfaced with him in Toronto North Stars’ garb, the ensuing media frenzy was quick to debunk the myth that he had been pre-drafted (really just an assumption because he should not fall that far). Initially, it was thought that the image was photoshopped, but security footage from the North Stars’ facility shows a disgruntled Gray breaking into the Air Canada Centre and sniffing Bob Bergen’s @Nobody office chair seat (gross) before trying on Anders Christiansen’s sweaty post-workout practice jersey and snapping pictures of himself. As someone who is on house arrest for something similar, I had a lot of time to stay seated and think about some other SHL rumors that shook things up before in the media world.

Top Rumors of Draft Week Past:
Poopity Scoop is named after a Kanye West lyric - His birth name was Duffy Calplow. During a particularly cold and unwelcoming junior league tournament, a really cool fan got up on the glass right before a faceoff. He slurred over the boards “Your name sounds like ‘The Fecal Plow’ eh?", Duffy was so embarrassed that he involuntarily released his bowels. The game was called. The attendants brought over a shovel to help him clean up his mess, but he failed to successfully get it all up. Fans banged on the glass and yelled “Poopity Scoop! Poopity Scoop! Poopity Scoop!” In order to own the feeling, and not fall victim to the shame, he legally changed his name. A week later in the playoffs, Kanye West was in the crowd and heard the encouraging cheers for the beloved player. That evening Mr. West wrote “Lift Yourself” and the credit was wrongly attributed to him. The newly dubbed Mr. Scoop was drafted a week later.

Trevor Wilson is Mike Izzy’s Multi - Two high performing players whose online presence Venn-diagrams overlap with Tom Wilson. Although Trevor's weakness of checking was enough to throw some people off, the Kelowna native and Whitby home-towner were never seen in the same place together until both were arrested the same night. Trevor for taking off his green morph suit and smooshing snake against the penalty glass box at a Capitals - Canucks game after Willy got a double minor for icing; Izzy for pulling the fire alarm at the Capitals hotel as soon as Tom Wilson got in the shower morning of the game. There was some confusion online for the week prior, but the legal fees and mug shots sorted everything out in regards to who was a multi.

Top Rumors of Draft Week Present:
Gunnar Soderberg’s feelings towards animals - During the weeks leading up to the draft, Gunnar @sköldpaddor has been working out with other top prospects Jax Duggan @SecondSucks22 , and Eko Van Otter @"bwrabbitt" , along with a slew of others. A few crazed fans who play records backward at specific RPMs tried to read between the lines on some locker room dialogue. It is suspected that Jax, who has a strong kitchen presence, has been cooking custom sausages prepared by Eko Van Otter (hotdog69 on discord). Another workout partner, Tony Ford @Fordyford has complained that his local restaurant market is missing a bit of that Americana feel. Scared for his username’s pelt, Joshua Mougher @DasMoose pointed out that he suspected that Gunnar played a role in sharing and acquiring pictures of dogs (and other animals) to cook and distribute to needing markets. A sort of Cruella De’Ville but North of the channel. After looking into it personally (as the potentially tastiest rookie, I was careful and left some softly toasted and buttered bread crumbs in case I went missing), I have determined that Gunnar just really really likes animals for touching. Not eating. For now.

Przemysław Brzeszczyczkiewicz is my mother’s lover - It’s not true. Stop asking about it. It’s really unprofessional on all levels. In any other profession, this wouldn’t be a factor. I was not asked “Is your mom getting porked by that brute @Lunatyck ?” at my job interviews for either of the Tropical Smoothie Cafe’s that I worked at during junior A. It’s just wrong. No calf should have to be sat down by his billet family and told his mother is no longer welcome at home games because of what she did under the bleachers. So let’s just drop this already.

Top Rumors of Draft Week Future:
Zadina II to be taken in the first round - After multiple high junior performance stints, and bouts of inactivity, the newest rebuild @jjlangabeer came into the J draft with a cool 225 TPE, the scarecrows traded up for him, then won their 8th consecutive four-star cup with him as a heavily contributing rookie. During his offseason and SHL draft, he slid back to West Kendall’s second pick of the second round, despite coming in at a maxed 350 to his SHL draft during a non-reddit draft.

A hot new rookie with 1000+ TPE - The GM’s were surprised to see private personalized messages from a promising player with a lot of potential and good head start. How could he already have over 1000 TPE? Did he go the @stud route and just not sign, and bide his time to make the perfect player? Sadly no. General managers were disappointed to learn that confused veteran Julio Tokolosh had gone through and filled out their “interested prospects S39” forms again as he had in his rookie year. His current general manager reached out, asking if this was demand for a trade. An embarrassed Julio told him to speak with his agent, who happened to be another character under Julio’s username who acted as an SMJHL co-GM. After a lengthy and heartfelt discussion, it was determined that the act was a cry for help, as Julio realized that he had peaked as a player. The bovine was saddened to see others from his draft class stop updating. He was disappointed to see that he had not made as much of a difference in his community, as the player or the username, as he had initially hoped. Filling out the S39 forms was a reach to spark that initial innocence of when he filled out each one his rookie year, despite it being S47, despite some teams not having one at all so he just PMed them. Maybe if he could make the same mistakes again it would all come back. Maybe if he could draft Dick Skillstedt in fantasy in the first round again the magic would return because he’s never been as content as he was in his first season and meeting people and channeling his creativity had value; and now he is just an old name and as irrelevant as he is behind the keyboard. As he realizes that filling out these forms will not snap everything back to how it was in that magical pre-draft week, he ponders an announcement for a few days. After a quiet and emotional meeting with his GM, he solemnly announces that he is going to hang up his simulated skates...

And recreate as a player that doesn't have “endurance” as a strength, baby! (don’t worry, I'm a first gen, I'm going to change it to defense or something as soon as I'm drafted and my GM tells me what would be best).