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C9Van · 09-03-2019, 04:20 PM

[This is ready to be graded. It is about 800-ish words? I hope you enjoy]

So recently @slothfacekilla showed Jon Forty-One a piece of TMZ like reporting on small Ice Hockey reports! This is what he showed him:

"A very special report coming on one of those Entertainment and Sports Programming Networks just outside a fairly big mansion today in Vancouver. A decent number of reporters are waiting outside of it. The recent news from Vancouver Whalers is they traded two players who were most likely going up for picks. Basically sacrificing this season so they can be stronger in upcoming future seasons. This probably comes with losing a decent amount of players last season due to call ups but they did have a handful of max Total Points Earned players. One of which being one of the two people traded. Jon Forty-One. The other being a forward or centre that won't necessarily be on this roster next season by his play. That one will probably be the only one who made it out of the first round, which will be a nice win and win and won for the fans.

There will be a nice dinner at the VAN hotel this evening. This may be a special night, it is one to remember. Also in the evening there will be a big screening of "The Last Unicorn". That seems to be one of the big sleeper hits on VIVA with almost one star rating. The film is about
lmao:

One of which being one of the two people traded. Jon Forty-One. A guy who is probably on my Top 4 Top 5 list for the next 10 years. He made the big jump up to the NHL. And played like a beast. He has two Stanley Cup rings, and three Vezina's. The best part was how he was still able finish every game he was in. He has 2 Stanley Cups. Of that trio he's in the Top 3 players in all 3 years since 2009. So even though he's now a member of the Carolina Hurricanes that has played in only 6 games this year. He's still a great player, and if he's traded now it makes me wonder if a trade to the Tampa Bay Lightning might not be the better thing for all parties involved."

This naturally angered Jon Forty-One. I mean, a lot of stuff does when you think about it, but with his situation right now he decided to hold a press conference in which he just ended up venting a lot about what he heard. The following is what he had to say:

"First off, Whalers losing me and my former team mate was a huge loss for them. I do not see it as 'a nice win and win and won for the fans' If anything it is more of a sad losse and lose and loss for the fans!

Secondly, I hope they hate the dinner. I hope the starters just do not do anything for them and the main course is over-fucking-cooked! Not to mention I have already illega--I mean already viewed the movie The Last Unicorn and it fucking sucked! About as much as getting traded did...

Finally we get to the main piece of bullshit! I am at least on everyone's Top 3 Top 5 list and you all know it! For the same amount, a decade, easily! I just have to say though I do not appreciate being linked with the Nepalese Hockey League. Whilst I am confident I would do well in the NHL I just have zero intention of moving to it. These bullshit rumours of winning Stanley's cup are all false. I do not know a fucking Stanley yet alone want any cup or rings from his douche. Also I will fucking state right now. I am sick and fucking tired of trade bullshit. So moving to a random non-existent team like the Carolina Hurricanes and the Tampa Bay Barracudas, not the 'Lightning' is heavily off the table. Do not believe tampering is happening cause that will not happen!

No, no bloody question. You can all just fuck off with the Whalers..."

Apparently he is still salty buuut this is Jon Forty-One we are talking about. A lot of the interviewers there were actually wanting to ask him about the recent update to veteran status meaning he would get more Total Points Earned if he stayed down for 1 extra season. Could it be possible he stays down with the Halifax Raiders? Until next time I guess we will have to find out what he will do because he is already gone.

I hope you all look forward to the next proper interview coming soon in the off-season.

(Sloth I tried, I promise lol)

slothfacekilla · 09-03-2019, 04:26 PM

I appreciate the effort, I'm going to figure this out for real and we can do some truly absurd media.

***Citizen of Adraa*** · 09-03-2019, 05:03 PM

My favourite kind of media: completely nonsensical blabbering of a poorly tuned computer
edit: and Jon. A worthy addition

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