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Skeleton Party · 08-14-2020, 05:53 PM

Code:
469 pointless words from a dipshit

Vancouver Responds to Team Tragedy
By Leo Sportsinterviews

This week, the Vancouver Whalers suffered a great loss. Before their game against the Scarecrows, Daniil Nikiforov’s keyboard suffered a huge injury which put the keyboard’s life in jeopardy, and the Whalers in an air of reflection.

The injury was vital. The keyboard suffered an unexpected case of dihydrogen oxide poisoning, and was deemed unable to continue on with the current season by team doctors. “[The opposite of a healthy keyboard click]” said Nik’s keyboard following the devastating injury.

“This is horseshit. That keyboard never did anything to anyone, and now it’s fighting for its life,” said Vancouver Whalers goalie [Name Redacted]. “From what I hear, it may lose the use of some of its buttons. I’m so scared and just want it to pull through here. It really makes you think about the value of life.”

Before their game against the Scarecrows in Vancouver this week, the Whalers held a ceremony in honor of their fallen comrade. Following the pregame warmups, Vancouver held a moment of silence, followed by a singing of Por Ti Volare at center ice by a local Will Ferrell impersonator. There was not a single dry eye in the house, except for maybe that of the Scarecrows hockey club and their fans, who seem to have been wondering what the fuck was going on.

“It’s a fucking keyboard, what the hell are we even doing here?” said St. Louis Scarecrows fan Piet Plymouth after witnessing the opening ceremony. “My keyboard at home is three quarters cigarette ash by now, and no one throws a damn ceremony for that. The entirety of Vancouver has gone absolutely insane.”

“I can’t keep it together, this is the most touching thing I’ve ever seen,” sobbed lifelong Vancouver fan Velma Macaroni. “That keyboard did so much in keeping this team together, and for this to happen to it is tragic. Watching the team rally around Nikiforov’s keyboard really restores my faith in humanity.”

The Whalers wheeled the keyboard out in a wheelchair to drop the ceremonial puck, with the #DicksOutForNiksKeyboard hashtag displaying on the jumbotron. The proceeds from the game’s 50/50 raffle were all donated to Keys to Hope, a local charity specializing in funding emergency key transplants.

“[Mushy non-functioning down and left key sounds]” said the keyboard. Wise, inspiring words that we can all live by in these trying times.

Sadly, the keyboard did not make it, and passed away the next morning. It was quickly replaced by a much sexier keyboard with flashing rainbow lights. This story sends a sobering reminder that one day we will all be replaced by someone sexier with rainbow flashing lights. The only thing we can do is live our best lives until that day comes.

In loving memory of Daniil Nikiforov’s Keyboard (2015-2020)

Nokazoa · 08-14-2020, 06:33 PM

Quote: "[[Mushy non-functioning down and left key sounds]" said the keyboard

Truly the wisest of all the whales in the pod. I cried when I heard the news on the phone. My heart goes out to Nikiforov and his PC peripherals. Losing such a key piece like that... man. You just hope it never happens.

dmills3 · 08-14-2020, 06:47 PM

#DicksOutForNiksKeyboard Sad

Faelax · 08-14-2020, 06:58 PM

You hate to hear about these kind of things, one day you are reading about it happening to someone else, next thing you know, it's your beloved keyboard biting the dust. Really makes you think.

Moreorless89 · 08-14-2020, 07:45 PM

That wasn't Will Ferrel?

#dicksoutforkeyboard

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