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Dagumpa · 06-13-2021, 03:56 PM

Note: Most of this was written before the draft so I apologize for any outdated speak about draft position and whatnot.

Every year, the Simulation Hockey League is (un)ceremoniously gifted a crop of wide-eyed and slippery babs known as ‘rookies’ into their league ranks. Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to divvy out children, especially considering some may deserve them more than others. Therefore, the SHL holds what is called a ‘draft.’ And no, this draft doesn’t require you to close your window. This draft allows every team (with picks) to select, in order of worst to best, which babs they desire to play on their team. The most cherry-cheeked and cleanly of the babs tend to go higher than the others. But some of the babs are not as cherry-cheeked and are...uh...a bit……..ok, some of the draftees do not stay active and generally go lower in the draft.

As an SHL inexpert, as I’ll proudly describe myself, I do not know a thing about who are the most desired draftees and which teams need what. That’s something that, really, only GMs know and, in this league, I am not one. But I do think I can talk about a specific group of draftees who I know won’t have much intrigue. Those are the inactives. In this piece, I’m going to talk about the inactives in the S60 draft pool and whether or not they might be worth the hassle (generally, they won’t be). I feel like it’s, also, about time we pay tribute to the many users who decided their time is worth being spent elsewhere, did not adjust well to the league, or simply forgot about their player altogether. Without further adieu, here’s my report on the IAs in the S60 SHL Draft.

Major Chip Hazard (RD, 155 TPE)
We start off with a user who is listed on the forum as Left Defense, plays in the sim engine at Left Defense, but actually created as Right Defense. Already off to a good start. Hazard plays for the St. Louis Scarecrows, who finished 2nd-to-last in the SMJHL league standings. Was he to blame for their lack of success? You know what, sure. He’s not around to defend himself. In 51 games, Hazard actually averaged 17 minutes on the ice: more than half of his teammates. Unfortunately, he had the 2nd lowest DGR of defensemen on St. Louis and the lowest OGR of all of their players...AND in the whole league. So, it’s probably fair to take a pass on Major Chip. I think Tommy Lee Jones himself would be a more efficient hockey player.

Toejam Picker (Goalie, 155 TPE)
This next player comes right off the bat with a rather unpleasant name. He’s 6’9” and wears the number 69. His player render is listed as “was born beside a nuclear plant.” It is, legitimately, a shame this person never updated once. The league publicly discourages users from creating as goalies. So, unfortunately, this person might struggle in draft optics. To make matters worse, he’s not even on an SMJHL team. A true legend in the making put to waste. Rest in power, king.

DJ Lord (LW, 162 TPE)
Our next player does actually have an update under their belt. DJ Lord, actually, played in all 66 games for the Maine Timber this previous season. However, he only was responsible for 4 points and averaged just over 8 minutes on the ice per game. He was part of the Timber team that shockingly swept Anaheim in the first round. And for that reason, I’m very happy that there’s a good chance he doesn’t even get drafted. The user behind DJ Lord is...oh wow, Jesus. I guess Jesus only has so much time in a given day. And earning in this league is so hard, even Jesus couldn’t do it.

Kerbal Rais (C, 168 TPE)
Kerbal Rais had the makings of a solid center. He got passing up to 14 in his initial build and looked to have most other things attribute-wise (other than defense) at a solid point. Unfortunately, 14 passing only got Rais 9 assists in 50 games with the Citadelles. While 9 assists is far from the lowest total in the league, it’s not exactly what you’d desire from a center. Kerbal’s dis-rais-gard for defense also gave him a DGR or 48. Unfortunately, that was only good enough to be tied for 2nd worst in the league. A far cry from his fellow IA brother Major Chip Hazard.

Léon Doucét (C, 170 TPE)
Our next player is a center of the French-Canadian variety. A name like that must make him a shoe-in for...the Nevada Battleborn? Uh...I guess they could use some French Elvis impersonators. Doucet was not terrible during the S59 campaign. While a +/- of -22 is...not good, that’s more than likely a result of playing for the worst team in the league. He actually had one of the better +/-’s on his team. He also shot the 3rd highest percentage on his team his 13.0%. So you know what? I argue Doucét was not as bad as everyone else I’ve mentioned so far. Unfortunately, it’s looking like his player will be laissez-faire in the S60 Entry Draft.

Gio Marsh (C, 174 TPE)
Gio Marsh came in with the makings of a pretty solid build. Got most stats to a safe spot (save for a few) and gave emphasis to faceoffs. And he was, actually, solid during his 54-game campaign with the Vancouver Whalers. He scored 9 points and had a +/- of -7, which was actually one of the higher marks among forwards on his team. But Gio also only shot 6.1% from the ice and only averaged just under 9 minutes per game: lowest on the team. While the Whalers did pull off one of the biggest upsets of the SMJHL playoffs last season, none of that can be credited to Gio as he never even saw the ice once during the postseason.

Willie Macdougal (Goalie, 174 TPE)
Fun fact: did you know there was a goalie on the Anchorage Armada with a higher save percentage than Guy Fieri last season? That’s right, it was Willie Macdougal! In 13 games, Macdougal made saves on shots 90.8% of the time (beating out Fieri’s 90.2%) and posted a GR of 65 (same as Fieri). Macdougal was brought out for one ice appearance during the playoffs, but let through the only goal that was shot on him. He is no longer listed as a member of the Armada. He was literally cut for blowing it in the playoffs. I thought that was reserved for NFL kickers.

Isiah López (RW, 177 TPE)
A teammate of Gio Marsh, Isiah López served as a slightly-more impressive IA player to Marsh on the Whalers. López scored 11 goals and had a +/- of -5, beating out Marsh’s -7. Unfortunately, López also failed to see the ice during the Whalers’ magical postseason run. I really feel for these guys. Their team had one of the biggest moments of the S59 playoffs and not even their corpses got to see it. Just a shame.

Igor Isyanov (RW, 185 TPE)
There were two forwards in the SMJHL last season named Igor. One of them scored 58 points on the season and came damn close to bringing their team to the Finals. The other scored 10 points and saw their team lose in the first round. Wouldn’t it be awesome if the IA were the first one? That’s because they were! Just kidding, the first person I described is Igor Petrov of the Quebec City Citadelles. Although, and this is hard to believe, Igor Isyanov was responsible for more points during the postseason than Petrov. Ok...that’s also a lie. I’m sorry, there’s not much fun about these guys.

Corey McFarland (Goalie, 194 TPE)
Corey McFarland, brother of Seth and Booger, got the distinction of being the Kelowna Knight’s third-string goalie during the season. He only appeared in 8 games and had the lowest GR of all of their goalies...and goalies in the league. And that was by a mile. The next lowest GR is a 58! Hopefully, Corey has a fallback plan from the SMJHL. Maybe one of his brother’s will give him a voice role in American Dad or let him ride around the dolly on Monday Night Football.

Jeffrey MacCabe (C, 210 TPE)
Jeffrey MacCabe came into the league with plenty of gusto. He got to put in a huge update with catchup TPE that gave him a good chance to become an impact player in very little time. Unfortunately, MacCabe did not turn out as the impact player that I’m sure was desired from him. He only scored 12 points through 66 games, the 2nd lowest among forwards on St. Louis. He is on the higher end TPE-wise compared to these other IAs. But still, did not leave much of a mark on the SMJHL.

François Gagné (C, 212 TPE)
This is gonna shock you. But François Gagné, who went IA at 212 TPE, was actually...pretty solid. Through 57 games, Gagné was responsible for 19 points, including 16 assists. He did this on a Quebec City team that made it to the semifinals in the playoffs. Gagné did struggle a bit defensively, but he gave solid offensive contributions with his play in the latter units.

Darrell Niskala (C, 214 TPE)
You gotta expect big things from a user named “hockey.” I mean, he literally embodies what the sport is all about. Which is...you know...hockey. I’m gonna be honest, I can’t find any evidence of this player ever playing. They’re listed under Quebec City but they have no mention in the index. I don’t know if they maybe changed their player’s name or QC never bothered to even play them. Either way, this person is pretty much persona non grata in the SHL. Which is a shame considering they got to 214 TPE somehow. Oh well, maybe hockey will make their triumphant comeback in the near-to-late future. But for now, it will continue to take a backseat to football, basketball, and soccer.

Mike Doctor (C, 216 TPE)
You remember that joke about Tony Hawk’s brother named Mike? I keep thinking that this name is funny for that reason. Even though his name is probably just “Mike Doctor” with no innuendo or pun intended. There isn’t even an innuendo nor a pun to be discerned from this. You probably don’t care that I’m mentioning all of this. Why should you? This is an article about IA players. Mike Doctor scored 7 points through 52 games for the Detroit Falcons. He also shot 3.7% from the ice. I don’t really know what else to say. Next.

Monster The Doctor (Goalie, 227 TPE)
Continuing the doctor section of this article, Monster The Doctor was a late pickup for the Detroit Falcons last season. They only played 9 games but went 7-2 in that time. However, The Doctor made no appearances in Detroit’s 5-game postseason stint. Although decent play may make this person somewhat attractive for SHL teams. But they are a goalie….next person.

Patrick Toes (LD, 228 TPE)
We now enter the arrogant and unlikeable section of this article to take a look at one Patrick Toes. User “Person...Mann” is behind this monstrosity. First off, what type of username is that? That’s just two ways to describe humanity. Might as well have called yourself “PopulationCitizen.” His stinky player, Patrick Toes, rode the coattails of the Kelowna Knights to a SMJHL championship, just as he once rode the coattails of Mavfatha on Death Valley. Toes did not make an appearance in the postseason though. Probably because they worried he would stink up the ice. (PM, if you’re reading this, I love you and please come back)

And that’s all I really have the time/mental capacity to talk about. Just wanted to say a few things. First off, I probably did not cover all the IAs. So if your inactive player/self was not discussed in this article, I apologize profusely. Secondly, some of these people may no longer qualify as IA by the time I’m finishing this article. To that I say...welcome back? But do know that going IA for a spell is not the end of someone’s SHL, or sim league, career. Coming back and being active shows that you still care. And to those mentioned here who decide to do that, I commend you wholeheartedly. Anyway, I’m gonna go cryogenically freeze myself for the next 384 years. A good day to all and to all….....a good day.

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DeletedAtUserRequest · 06-14-2021, 06:51 PM

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