Hello my friends, we here at the Spidey Talent Agency are back.  Due to a rapid increase in clientele volume because of our last advertisement we were able to hire Ruth as a secretary to weed out the useless talent…I mean sort out who is a priority case to ensure we can get you all top dollar.  Ain’t she a B-A-UTY!



Now today we are here to talk to you about Contract Negotiations as it has become a bit of a lost art.  Unfortunately, the “powers that be” have taken away a player’s right to be represented by the best of the best in these tough situations.  So, we here at the STA are going to be providing you some more training material so you know how to screw the bastards in the head office…I mean get a fair deal you deserve, hey someone needs to pay for Ruth’s braces. 



Imagine this, you have just played a grueling 66 game season, where you have poured your blood, sweat, and tears into everything you do.  You are physically exhausted, you might be prepping for the playoffs, you might be dreaming of resting your worn down body, but you have been a good soldier all season long work your tail off.  Not only are you physically drained.  Emotionally you are wiped from the highs of the cheers, and the lows of the boos.  Traveling every night to a different city and playing your heart out.  Mentally you are fatigued because you have been doing hours of game study, watching film on opponents, and memorizing every move they make so you are ready for them.  YOU ARE SPENT! 



Its in this moment when you are at your absolute weakest  that the true villains in your own personal story attack.  Not the fans, not the other team, not even the league head office…but don’t get me started on those guys, they are villains, just not your villain.  Its from your own team, your GM, they hit you when you are weakest and can’t think straight and demand you sign a new contract!  These GMs have spent years honing their craft and have figured out the best time, and best things to say to get you to take the least amount of money possible, truly despicable scum.  Well, we here at the Spidey Talent Agency are here to get you your power back!  Just listen to this happy client of ours.

“I used to live in a small van down by the river with my entire family.  I was barely scraping by playing hockey for a living.  Then Spidey Talent Agency gave me one class on how to come into a contract negotiation prepared.  Now I live in the largest van down by the river, with a jet ski!  All the other hockey players in Texas are jealous of my luxurious lifestyle!”
- Patrice Bergeron



BOOM! Instant life upgrade, for one of our many, many satisfied clients. 

Let’s first take a look at what the GMs use as tactics against you to make you take bottom dollar.

1. Budget to build a team.
2. X player makes… so I can only pay you based on your performance…
3. Hometown discount
4. Look how far we made it, next year will be better but…
5. Be a team player.
6. Well, I guess we will have to let you go.
7. I invested a “X” round pick into you.

These GMs have nothing, and they know it, so what do they do?  They pull at your heart strings to try and make you feel like a Mook.  They will play up you are part of a family here, they invested into you, how close they are to winning it all, and downplay your value/how talented you are just so they can save a buck!

“I would draft weak willed but high talent people onto my team.  I know if I can get them on my team if only for one season I can lower their price tag by building a relationship with the suckers, then guess who gets to pocket all the left over money, daddy GM that’s who!”
- Anonymous GM, To@st



From the words of a GM right to you.  Sorry we need to keep him anonymous, or he wouldn’t share his thoughts with us today.  So, how do you combat these underhanded, sneaky, deceitful tactics to ensure you get paid top dollar?  Its easy, start by repeating after me.

I am worth it, I am beautiful, everyone loves me, I deserve this…oops sorry wrong class, that is how to win a beauty contest note.  *shuffles note cards*

Ah, there it is, “I am worth it, I am beautiful, everyone loves me, OPEN THAT DAMN CHECK BOOK!”

There it is!  Remember these guys always have budget left over they aren’t spending.  They might try to use excuses but there is always budget there, lets look at a few teams.





ARE YOU KIDDING ME!  These guys have money available for days, just sitting there while you practically starve!  What is it doing there?  Waiting for a trade? Waiting for bonuses?  Waiting for the GMs to pocket the cash when no one is looking so they get rich eating steaks with lobster and caviar, and you are stuck eating Kraft Dinner and Hungry Man meals?  Are you feeling angry yet?  Do you want more yet?  Are you a client of the STA yet so you can get more!?  NO? WHY NOT?  Let’s take a look at another recent addition to our family and here his success story.

“I would just take whatever was given to me because I didn’t want anyone to hate me.  I would have to work 4 or 5 odd jobs on the side just to afford training and equipment for the year (another thing the team wouldn’t provide).  Then STA came along, after 9 years in the league I finally got a fair deal, with money to train and the team is finally buying my equipment.”
- Ben Jammin



Who is going to be there when it starts to rain dollar bills like it does for all the rest of my clients, its going to be you that's who!  Listen, it is criminal how these Fat Cats in their comfy executive chairs take advantage of the working class SHL player.  We here want to go over what needs to be said to ensure you get the best deal possible, so when the General Manager pulls you aside and takes you into his office after a frustrating 9-1 loss and tells you it’s time to renegotiate and you just suffered your 5th concussion in 5 days.  Here is what to say:

GM: “Hello Mr. Player, we truly value you here at (YOUR TEAM, but maybe not for much longer).  We have seen your hard work and have chosen to re-sign you.  Here is a great offer, just sign here…”
PLAYER: I see your great offer and I will use it as toilet paper to wipe my ass with, allow me to show you.  *Drop trouser and proceed to wipe it deep and hard, and place the paper back in front of him, bonus points if you can leave a little streak behind.*
(This shows him the offer is crap, and you know it, no GM offers top dollar on the first swing)

GM: “Ok, what would be a fair offer in your mind?”
P: “…”
(DON’T SAY ANYTHING!  He who talks first in this situation loses.  Just stare at him until he flinches)

GM: “You know I would like to give you more, but there are a lot of players we need to sign.”
P: “Great screw those guys and give me their money.”
(Hey, it is a team game, but your bank account and their bank account are two different things, its not your responsibility to make sure everyone gets paid.)

GM: “Well I can’t pay you more then Bobby, he is our leading scorer, how would he feel?”
P: Bobby is clearly an idiot with an IQ of 12 that does not understand his value.  Clearly Bobby isn’t smart enough to know he is getting screwed therefore he won’t care that I am getting paid.
(Badda bing badda boom, the top dog argument is out the window!  Making your own teammates look like idiots is playing the GMs own game against them)

GM: “I would hate to see you walk, I believed in you when others did not and used a “x” round pick on you!  This is how you reward me?”
P: Clearly you made the right pick as I am worth way more now than I was then, kudos on good scouting but I was going to be great no matter who picked me.  Now it is time for you to reward my hard work you cheap schmuck!
(Don’t let him try to guilt you into taking less.  If he can’t afford you it is his problem, his reward is he gets to watch your beautiful ass walk out the door if he can’t pay you, and trust me that is reward enough)

GM: “Ok final offer, $$$ over X number of years!”
(OK, now the ball is in your court, tell them more money and finally give them a number or less years and give them a number)
P: That number looks good, but I am only committing to 2 years, anything more is ridiculous I could get injured and then you are paying that much to a player who is doing nothing, clearly that is a bargain for you.
or
P: That years look good, but I need another million, my worth will be double that when the contract comes to an end, really this is a bargain for you.
(First the demand, then the reason why [in “their” benefit] and finish with a bargain for you, so the GM feels good about themselves on a steal of a deal, really we are bending them over and either rushing to unrestricted free agency or getting way more value than you are worth.  But GMs are so full of themselves they won’t see it coming!)

Coincidentally if you are an aging player nearing the end may we suggest adding more years onto your contract, so you get paid well past your prime and a few years into retirement.

P: Gee Mr. GM, that contract looks good, but let’s add 15 more years onto that term and really lock me up for life.  If I am this good now, imagine how good I will be in 5, 7, and 15 years from now with all that experience and training.  You will look like a genius among your peers!
(No GM wants to look dumb, and they all want to look smart, calling them a genius among their peers strokes their ego and it is hard for them to turn it down)

IF negotiations fail and the GM tries to play hardball.

GM: “I would hate to see you go, but we can’t afford these terms here.  Are you sure you will not reconsider?”
P: I would only reconsider if…
(Give them something ridiculous here, a fresh train of cocaine each week, a personal dominatrix to stomp your nuts before each game named Brunhilde, A rare breed of exotic cat for a meal once a week.  Be creative and make sure it is something you really want just in case they do meet them; or completely unattainable, so your previous demands seem more reasonable, and they are more likely to meet them.)

Another road this may go down is:
GM: “You are insane no one is willing to pay you that much money for what you do, you do not have enough talent to warrant these kinds of numbers!”
P: You want talent, oh I will show you talent! *Drop trousers again and show him who the real big dog is*
(Well known fact, GMs cower at the sight of another person’s undercarriage, that’s why they do not hang out in team locker rooms, put them in an uncomfortable spot and show them all the talent you have.)

FINALLY

GM: “Ok you convinced me you are worth every penny you are asking for, please sign here.”
P: It was a pleasure doing business with you, you know you got a steal of a deal, I can’t wait to be part of the solution to bringing a cup here.
(Always reassure them they made the right choice, and you are going to win them the cup.)

Its that easy!  Just like that you will be going from driving a Prius to a Tesla, a Mustang to a Ferrari, a Dodge truck to a Toyota.  You will be making bank! 

Remember I am not just the owner, operator or asshat that runs this company I am also a client so you can trust me and my best interest in you.
“I used to take minimum dollars and maximum term because I wanted my teammates to make money and the team to be competitive.  I now demand max money at minimum term.  Now I can afford the rent my Mom charges me to live in her basement.”
- Logan Webb

Sig by Lazyeye

Sig by DaBoot

Logan Webb || Kelowna Knights || Maine Timber || San Francisco Pride
Name: Logan Webb
Age: 22
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 200 lbs
Number: 55
Postion: LW
------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL REGULAR SEASON
KELOWNA - S70: | GP: 66 | G: 21 | A: 26 | P: 47 | -3 | 28 PIM | 130 HITS
KELOWNA - S71: | GP: 66 | G: 23 | A: 42 | P: 65 | -25 | 24 PIM | 195 HITS
KELOWNA - S72: | GP: 66 | G: 21 | A: 35 | P: 56 | -31 | 34 PIM | 160 HITS
MAINE - S73: | GP: 66 | G: 44 | A: 48 | P: 92 | 23 | 48 PIM | 187 HITS
SMJHL Playoffs:
S70: | GP: 7 | G: 1 | A: 4 | P: 5 | +2 | 2 PIM | 5 HITS
S72: | GP: 6 | G: 3 | A: 3 | P: 6 | 0| 2 PIM | 12 HITS
S73: | GP: 13 | G: 9 | A: 14 | P: 23 | 0| 2 PIM | 12 HITS
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
AWARDS:
S70: Elias Armia Trophy - Awards in Excellence Given by League Commissioner
S71: Zach Miller Trophy - Awarded to Most Dedicated Player
S73: Four Star Cup Champions - MAINE TIMBER

Kain Webb || 21 || LW || Calgary Dragons || RETIRED
Kain Webb || 21 || LW || Calgary Dragons || RETIRED
Name: Kain Webb
Age: Retired
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 215 lbs
Number: 21
------------------------------------------------------------
Total - GP: 554 || Goals: 248 || Assists: 318 || Points: 566 || Rating: +118
Status: Hall of Famer & LEGEND
TROPHIES/AWARDS:
S06: Jesster Award (Dragons MVP)
[pbl]S09: Anton Razov Trophy
S12: Ron Mexico Trophy
S12: Jay McDonald Trophy
S13: Jay McDonald Trophy
S13: JJ Krever Award
S15: Jesster Award (Dragons MVP)
S15: Dragons Hall of Fame
S16: SHL Hall of Fame

“I would just take whatever was given to me because I didn’t want anyone to hate me.  I would have to work 4 or 5 odd jobs on the side just to afford training and equipment for the year (another thing the team wouldn’t provide).  Then STA came along, after 9 years in the league I finally got a fair deal, with money to train and the team is finally buying my equipment.”

- Ben Jammin

I definitely was not paid to say this

    

Thank you @Stadacona for the Chaewon player sig!

this is why i pay you to do this all 4 me

Ooooor you let certified STA agent Shady148 take care of it for you

Thank you to @Revontulete!