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skyrrhawk · 07-21-2024, 06:19 PM

birch street curve: a blog covering life in pro hockey, by celeste desjardins

there’s a light on in chicago

The cat’s out of the bag, huh?

This isn’t the way that I wanted this information to come out, and I really don’t think it’s how Leo wanted it to come out, either. (I haven’t asked him- he’s got bigger issues on his mind the last week or so.) But it’s out there now, so I have to address it.

Which is stupid, because why should everyone else get to be nosy into my life just because I didn’t wear a giant hoodie and hide on my way into an arena? And I think my agent (and my team PR?) might be upset with me over this, but I kind of don’t care. So, plain and simple:

It’s none of your business.

I’m writing this from a couch in a Chicago apartment. I’ve been living out of a suitcase and a duffel bag since my season ended against Minnesota. It sucks, okay? Nobody wants to end their season on a loss. I hate ending anything on a loss. A road trip, a week, a season, it all sucks.

I hate losing. And we went on a 3 game skid to end the season. I was useless, which feels pretty bad when you’re in a position of people acting like you’re some kind of franchise savior. In fact, we only won two of our last eight. And I would go home or back to the hotel or wherever the hell after every game and I would beat myself up about it, because I wasn’t good enough to drag us to the playoffs. Would we have gotten stomped? Probably. But we would have been there, and I would feel like less of a failure.

There’s something nice about being able to go and watch someone you care about do the thing that you wish you were doing. And there’s something really fucked up and depressing about it. Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun sitting up with the spouses and partners and children and all that, but it’s definitely weird to be living the experience where you’re on both sides of the glass. As a player, I don’t fit in with most of the spouses, but it’s not like I can go hang out with the players- I’m a rival. An enemy. I haven’t been around long enough to build relationships with anyone on the Syndicate other than Leo and Newton.

So I sit up in the box with a bunch of folks who spend a shitton of time together and know each other well enough to have coordinated playoff outfits and dinner plans and I’m an outsider because where have I been? Oh well hey sorry about that I’ve been out on the ice in a different color playing for a team that keeps losing because I just can’t put it together, how are you all, nice to meet you.

Nobody really likes the guy who shows up late to the function. Especially when they’re not bringing anything to the table. And all I was bringing to the table was an air of frustrated bitchiness over the fact that I was sitting in a box watching the game instead of being out on the ice playing.

Leo and I played each other twice during the season. And he won, both times. It shouldn’t have been surprising. I’m useless defensively, while he’s pretty single-minded about that same thing, and we spent four years playing together. If anyone should know how to prevent me from scoring, it’s him. And he did. So there’s that. It’s fine; I told him he shouldn’t expect it to go that same way next season. (He laughed at me.)

And the thing about that is just that it’s kind of nice to still be able to laugh about that. It’s nice to know that there’s at least one person out there that isn’t going to let the game get between us. Hell, I don’t even really flirt when we play each other! Mostly because that would require a lot of extra brainpower that I just cannot devote to flirting when I need to be directing it toward the game. Couple of chirps is all you’re gonna get, as long as I’m not on a mic. The world has no right to any of that.

I don’t know. I mean, I’m not having fun navigating this so far. Maybe Leo’s having a better time. Don’t know. Haven’t asked. Like I said, he’s got bigger issues on his hands. Like the fact that I have completely raided and decimated the stock of Moxie in his apartment, because I have struggled wildly to get my hands on it in New York, which feels like an insane thing to say because it’s literally closer to Maine and also it’s New York? Baffling. If anybody has tips on where to buy niche sodas in New York City, please let me know. I can’t keep driving up to Lewiston on the weekends to bother my mom and load my car up with multiple twelve-packs of the stuff. And for those of you who have never ingested the absolute nectar of the gods that is Moxie, fix that shit right now!

It’s weird to be on a losing team. Especially when I’m watching all my friends be… not on losing teams. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who got iced out of the playoffs, of the gang from Quebec City. It feels pretty awful. And I really, really wish I was coping with it better, but I’m not. Maybe that’s why I’m still hiding out in Chicago instead of leaving back to Manhattan or home to Lewiston now that playoffs have moved on and the Syndicate are out. Or maybe it’s just that I want to spend some time with somebody who means a lot to me, since it’s not like we get to do it during the season. Schedules don’t work out like that.

It’s really, really difficult to date within the league. Wouldn’t recommend it, to be honest. And it’s not like I expect him to go sit in the spouses’ box if our positions are ever flipped and I’m in playoffs and he’s not. It’s such a weird space to be existing in.

I don’t know.

I feel like I left behind a legacy with Quebec that I just am not living up to in this new phase of my career. And that’s stupid. It’s my first season! I shouldn’t be worrying about any of this yet. But I am. And I can’t stop myself from worrying about it. It’s like the chandelier from Phantom. I know it’s going to fall on me. I’m just not sure when exactly in the plotline the fall comes.
I’ve spent the last couple of weeks in a weird space between being hyper aware of myself and just kind of floating above it all in an effort to ignore my feelings about the end of my season. After all the success we experienced in juniors, it’s been hard to watch everyone else keep getting it while I don’t.

But I think I said that already.

The only thing I brought with me to Chicago was my skates. No stick, no gear. Just skates. Well, and a pair of cleats, but that’s because it’s the offseason, which means I get to go play soccer. But as far as hockey goes? Only my skates came with me. Trying to get away from it all for a little bit. (If I end up having to borrow a stick from somebody, I’ll let you know- it won’t be Leo’s, though, no crossover there. I'm way too short for that.)

It’s onto the IIHF tournament, from here.

At least, sort of.

I’ll be there. But I won’t be on the ice. It’s been made clear to me after some conversations that with my inexperience, there’s just not a place for me on the US team yet. So for me, it’s another international competition season of sitting at home or in the stands.

I’m picking the stands.

It’ll be a good chance to see everyone, and to maybe spend a little bit more time with Leo, because goddamn that’s pretty much impossible during the season? But at the same time, I probably am not allowed anywhere near the hotel that Latvia fed’s got booked and I really would not want to interfere with his gameday routine because it’s not like I’m part of it anymore because we’re not teammates anymore!

I feel like you can basically see my brain melting here.

Being left off the international roster stings, I won’t lie to you about that. It feels like another failure on the stupidly long list of them that I’m already managing to accumulate. And there’s definitely part of me that feels like I deserve a spot, because I managed to pull it together and have a pretty decent season after a really, really terrible start! But I get it. I’m a rookie without the experience or the exposure. And nobody Deserves a spot on an international squad. It has to be earned, and they clearly feel that I haven’t earned it yet.

So I just have to work a little bit harder this offseason. I have to be a little bit better next season. When I head back to New York, I have to be ready to put my head down and do what I need to do. No showboating, no ego, no distractions.

Not that I’m saying I was showboating or had an ego. I’m really not saying that. Except for like, maybe a couple of goals that I showboated about a little bit. But that’s a different issue and really nobody should be mad about it. I mean, come on, wouldn’t you celly a little extra hard after finally getting your first SHL goal? Or after a top-shelf highlight reel snipe? Be realistic, here. You would.

God, this is the worst entry I’ve written for this blog yet.

I’m really hoping people don’t take any of this the wrong way. I’m not trying to be a crybaby or a whiner. It’s not illegal to have negative emotions about things, you know? In fact, I think it’s healthier to express them.

I’ve done a lot of looking back at the bad, and a lot of looking forward at the stuff I’m upset about. But there’s been a lot of good, too. Leo’s good. Being on a team- and a line???- with Aksel Fiske! That’s been pretty good! It’s not like I wasn’t doing well. I don’t really know where I ended up landing points wise compared to some of my draft class peers, because I banned myself from looking at it, but I know it wasn’t too terrible. I have new friends, and I still have the old ones. I’m getting used to the world up above, so to speak.

But it’s not easy. And you can’t expect it to be easy. Expecting it to be easy just means you’re in for a hell of a letdown when it turns out not to be, and a lot more hurdles to jump over when you’re not prepared for the difficulties.

And for me, sitting in the stands during playoffs or the international tournament is a hurdle. Even though I’m getting to support people very important to me, it’s hard to not be out there myself. Even though I’m going to be able to get a sense of the intensity and the play before being thrown into the middle of it, it hurts a little. It’s just like last time around: it stings that my friends are playing up in the big tournament, but I guess it just speaks to the depth of talent that we have here.

There’s nothing wrong with watching from the bench. And that’s a hard lesson to learn when you’ve been good your whole life, which most of us that make it here have been. But it’s one that I’m learning right now, and hopefully by being honest about how difficult it is I can make it easier for someone who comes after me. Sometimes riding the bench- even if it means being off a roster entirely- is the best way to be a team player. And being supportive of the people you love and care about most definitely is.

[2085 words]

***hhh81*** · 07-21-2024, 07:23 PM

You want apologies? Girl, you might hold your breath until your breathing stops. Forever.

FOREVER.

skyrrhawk · 07-21-2024, 07:45 PM

07-21-2024, 07:23 PMhhh81 Wrote: You want apologies? Girl, you might hold your breath until your breathing stops. Forever.

FOREVER.

o7

***Seany148*** · 07-21-2024, 07:48 PM

what i remember from this read
celly with no niche soda is angy celly

Whikadoodle · 07-22-2024, 10:46 AM

07-21-2024, 07:23 PMhhh81 Wrote: You want apologies? Girl, you might hold your breath until your breathing stops. Forever.

FOREVER.

The only thing you'll get is this curse on your lips
I hope they taste of me forever

Tsunny · 07-22-2024, 07:10 PM

Hey, being a showboat and having an ego is my thing Wink

Joking aside, keep your head high. Your time will come sooner than you'd think. Oh and ignore what everyone else says about you and Leo, you two are cute together.

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