By 3 PM we had emerged from the arena and were gathering in the the parking lot. We had collectively agreed to head out on the town for the evening for some good team bonding and just blowing off some steam. Alex Mack had offered up the use of his limo for our endeavor, a quick glance over at his driver made it immediately clear that some one other then him would have to take the wheel. Jim ( the limo driver ) was currently giving the girls piggy back rides that had a average distance of 7 steps and ended up in the snow bank. The girls were loving them self's and so was Jim, nothing makes a better scarf to warm your neck then a girls legs wrapped around your neck.



After a few minutes I stepped up to the plate and offered to drive so the boys could enjoy them self's in the back and have a few drinks. We all piled in and were just about out of the parking lot when a yell came from the back seat, well a different more important yell then the ones most the boys were spitting out. It was Zack Morgan and befor I could turn around and ask him what was the matter, the door was wide open and he wash dashing back towards the arena. Sliding across the parking lot almost as if he was skating, it was frozen solid in the chilly -20 Celsius Detroit air.



So our journey would have to wait a few more minutes and I backed up to the players entrance to wait for Zack. Within minutes he had emerged with a hockey bag in each arm, being the heart, soul and fan favorite guy he was. He knew we couldn't hit the town during the playoffs with out Falcons party favors for the fans. He had a bag full with pucks, water bottles, pendents, shirts, key chains and hats. The other bag was full of something else he wouldn't share with us, and boy it was driving us all nuts. It became a question game to us as it was the focal point of the conversation all the way to the mall.

The 40 minute drive through Detroit traffic was more then enough time to give the crew a solid buzz. Vodka shots and empty stomachs did the trick and more then one attempt at " the wheels on the bus " broke out at my expense.Needless to say Mack, Jim and the girls were a few steeps beyond buzzed and they were in dire need of substance in the guts. They were starting to struggle with there balance and it was evident food was our next goal.




We were some what lucky to get a parking spot close to an entrance and were getting looks right away. Rather then walk Alex Fischer had a great idea ( great idea in his intoxicated state that is ) why dont we put Mack, Jim and the lovely ladies in shopping carts. This would help them get to the food court and add some entertainment to the trip. Yeah because history and YouTube has not taught us a single thing about drunks in shopping carts has it? On top of the drunks in the carts Thomas Anderson started dumping Falcons memorabilia in with there with the passengers.



As we made our way to the food court our drunken riders showered the good people of Detroit with memorabilia. Pelting little old ladies with key chains, throwing Falcons tee shirts into strollers and covering the faces of there sleeping occupants. One of the girls even split some young fans eye open with a water bottle. She had got mixed up and thrown a Vodka filled one rather then a empty one. What a media fiasco this will be for the Falcons brass, bleeding and bruised fans as a result of a Falcons day on the town.


The funny thing is as this is Detroit the people who in any other city would have been appalled, these people as a whole were glad it was water bottles and pucks rather then bullets and pink slips. Even the young man with the split eye was in high spirits after the young lady who did the damage was able to stop the bleeding. By pressing his eye tightly to her breast and holding it there to allow her shirt to stop the bleeding. As a result of her inebriated mind not thinking to use one of the 30 odd shirts she was sitting on. The young sir will be a life long Falcons fan from this day forth thanks to that.



After disrupting the shopping experience of hundreds of innocent people we had finally arrived at the food court. By this time even the more sober members of our group were fucked right up. ( myself of course excluded ) The shopping carts doubled as a walker as well as a stroller. We all dispersed and grabbed some food and meet back up in the middle of the court. We pushed 12 tables together to form one large horse shoe looking table. As we were grabbing food we all meet a few fans and had asked them to join us. Our group of 9 Falcons Thomas Anderson, Michael Caboose, Zach Morgan, Alex Fischer, Big Manious, Barney Tuzis, Tucker O'Callahan, Alex Mack and myself, 5 members of Alex Mack's heirum and Jim and just grew to roughly 40 people after the food court meet and greet.



This being Detroit most of our new meet friends didnt need much time to catch up to our group on the drunken scale. In a few cases even Mack and Jim were behind in the drink count. Being the holiday season and the fact we all were high on the fact we had won the division and were headed to the conference finals, every one was in a great mood and there was no hint of aggression or disagreeing of any sort. That was all about to change!

As we all know music in the mall sucks, A LOT. Thomas Anderson took exceptional offense when Justin Timberlake's Cry Me A River came on the speakers. Anderson and Michael Caboose took it into there own hands to relive the food court of the pain of this un wanted noise. The two of them together worked in a drunken incoherent tandem to build table and chair scaffolding in order to un wire each speaker in ear shot. For two guys who were slurring and rambling on in drunken gibberish they miraculously understood each other with clarity and successfully completed there mission with no personal or physical injury's. They also were able to finish the mission without causing damage to a single piece of mall property.



Although we had no more crappy elevator soft rock / pop music irritating us it did cause a entirely new issue. We had no music at all and this was meet with almost as much dislike as Justin Timberlake had on our group. Alex Fischer was shouting " Zack, Zachery, Mr. Morgan where the fuck are you bro" . This lead to a few minutes of shouting and yelling amongst our self's arguing if Zack was ever even here. He had been for sure up until at least for sure the the speaker dissembling show occurred as myself had been talking to him. The search and argument for Morgan quickly changed to a new argument between Tucker O'Callahan and Alex Fischer over who ended the season with more points. The two of them both tipsy almost broke into a fist fight befor one of our new friends and fans intervened with his smart phone and showed both these yahoos that the official SMJHL stats site had them at 29 points a piece.

The drunken hate and arguing stopped and both Fischer and O'Callahan broken in to tears and were hugging and blubbering there sorry's to one another. The young man with the smart phone tried to get away from the increasingly uncomfortable situation. But he was not fast enough and got swallowed into the middle of the over emotional hug fest. Within seconds Barney Tuzis, Caboose and Big Manius and joined into the blubbering pile of tears, spouting out " sorry " and " I love you " as well.



This was getting weird.

Jim topped off the weird emotional circle by wrapping his arms around the entire group of Falcons and one very squished 135 pound kid at the center of it all. With a gigantic bear hug he squeezed the entire group together and went into his own slurred rendition of apologizes. At that exact moment the blubbering emotional apologetic group of young crying men was quieted by a new sound.

It was Thomas Anderson riding a shopping cart pushed by 2 of the dangerously drunk girls from the beging of the day. The cart was followed by a very long extension cord attached to a brand new stereo system inside of the cart. It was screaming out Meat Loaf's Paradise By The Dashboard Light. The line " will you love me forever " echoing through the food court sent the pile of cry baby's into a side splitting choir of laughter. The shopping cart smashed with authority into one of the tables and sent both girls and Anderson into a pile on the sticky dirty floor. Where the three of them lay for several minutes, there pathetic attempts to straighten up and join the land of the standing lost momentum and resulted in a heavy session of petting and kissing.



As Alex Mack made his way over to the pile of tangled limbs and grinding groins, he struggled walking as a result of the laughter caused by the mayhem that lay in front of him on all sides. He reached down to help Anderson to his feet, Anderson was inches from standing erect when Mack noticed something that sent him into a rage and he immediately dropped Anderson back into the pile of young flesh. He flipped the stereo on to a hip hop station and pounced onto the table. ( He thought he pounced but in actuality he clawed his way up and nearly feel more then a few times ).

What had sent Mack into a red hot rage was a family of 5 people with 3 young Scarecrow fans all wearing St. Louis jerseys walking past the Falcons gong show of a party in the middle of this Detroit mall. Only in Detroit would the cops not be around to break something like this up, the mall security guards had actually joined into the festivity's and some point. Alex mack pointed down at the young fans and broke in to a free style rap directed at the group, The young fans all under the age of 12 were all clearly uneasy.



Caw Caw mother fuckers Caw Caw
were the boys in the red shirts and were here to lay down the hurt
Caw Caw mother fuckers Caw Caw
Detroit city here to represent, all you St. Louis bitches better kneel down and repent
Caw Caw mother fuckers Caw Caw

Caw Caw mother fuckers Caw Caw
we fly high we fly fast, were sure the conference finals we will pass
were blood, were brotherhood, we hit with purpose and score with flair
were Falcons mother fuckers you better take care
swoosh here comes the cup
swoosh better keep your head up befor you get fucked up
swoosh here comes the cup

Caw Caw mother fuckers Caw Caw
were the boys in the red shirts and were here to lay down the hurt
Caw Caw mother fuckers Caw Caw
Detroit city here to represent, all you St. Louis bitches better kneel down and repent
Caw Caw mother fuckers Caw Caw



This had a clear and obvious long term effect on these young hockey fans, as they hid there faces in there mothers skirt as Ma and Pa rushed there young fans down past the shit storm of testosterone filled Falcons gathering, That has now grown to over 80 people and taken on more of a red neck pep rally feel then a late lunch break for all involved. Alex Fischer cut off the family as they navigated there way past the mob of Falcons players and fans.



He did his part to to try and ease over there concerns of being tar and feathered. By giving them Falcons tee shirts for the entire family, autographed Falcons game pucks and his own family tickets to the opening game of the conference finals in Detroit. As well as an apology for our behavior, what a nice guy. They departed down the corridor with a awkward smile on there faces and the fear of what the counseling bill was going to cost them.

Fischer was mortified with what he seen next.This gesture of good will would not go far enough to fix the eternal damage done as the long term trauma was not yet over for these young fans.

Fischer's jaw dropped and his eyes widened with horror as the words " Caw Caw MOTHER FUCKERS " echoed down the halls of the Detroit mall. It dwarfed the sound of the Falcons party and silenced the entire group of players and fans. As one the pack turned and looked for the interruption, the contingent of people exploded in stomach wrenching laughter. As they seen a seven foot tall Falcon torso and head come zig zaging down the corridor screaming " Caw Caw MOTHER FUCKERS " between debilitating hic ups.Fischer horror was not a result of the swearing or the inability to walk a straight line.

The horror was a direct result of the fact that this particular Falcon mascot had some how forgotten the bottom half of his costume. But more so then the missing costume, it was based off the pure and simple fact that this particular mascot. Had also forgotten his underwear and his man hood was there for all to see. He was headed straight at the family of young Crows fans and they were frozen with uncertainty.



Arms wide open as if to embrace the petrified mother he managed to kick the back of his own heel. Right at the last second and he redirect his path into Fischers arms just prior to eating the floor. With a mumbled " I love you man " it was clear who this half naked Falcon man was, who was resting comfortably in his arms.

Falcon man had just answered a lot of questions for the Falcons and there faithful. There missing team mate Zack Morgan must have slipped back to the Limo. Where he had the Falcons mascot uniform stowed in the second hockey bag he removed from the arena when he grabbed all the souvenirs. To this day no body knows how he ended up only getting half of it on and where his underwear and pants had gotten to. This was a defiant sign that the party had probably worn out its welcome and it was time for a change in scenery.

The crowd of people and players made its way to the parking lot where they gathered to decide where the next venue of the day would be. Just as we reached the parking lot my phone had rung and Nils was on the other end shouting something I couldn't understand but I did make out the words " News, Falcons, YouTube and Mook " as well as some sort of swear word in his native language. This couldn't be good but I seen no way of stopping the mayhem that had just started and it was only 6:30 pm.

If you were wondering what I was doing the entire time this shit show went down, well I was video documenting it while having a water and a ton of life lasting laughs.


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