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Allen · 08-13-2015, 11:56 PM

Team training camps had opened up everywhere in the SHL and it was that time of year when the organizations would break away from the daily grind to partake in some sort of team bonding activity. Most teams would go bowling, maybe check out the local Dave and Buster’s, or even have a team game night. This year, the Texas Renegades decided that they should pack their bags and head to Las Vegas to see the lights and sounds that the city provides.

We caught up with Renegades prospect, Geoffrey Allen, to recall the details of the weekend. Allen was selected eleventh overall in the S25 SHL Entry Draft and will work out with the team for the summer before being sent back to his Junior Team for the pre-season. Allen was the second first round draft selection of the Renegades, being preceded by Travis Kudleychuk at eighth overall. These two were close throughout the weekend and shared a very unique experience together. Without further ado, we present to you Geoffrey Allen’s recollection of the events that took place.

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Everybody met up at the Renegades facility just before 9 am on Friday. The team had chartered a bus to the airport, so we were all standing in the parking lot waiting on the bus and the rest of the team to trickle in. By the look of it, everyone had arrived with the exception of the veteran, Brendan Gibbon. Suddenly, screeching tires were heard and Gibbon’s truck was seen sliding around the corner into the parking lot with the ‘Mamma Mia’ movie soundtrack blasting from the radio. Gibbon parked in six parking spots, cut the engine, and hopped out of the truck.

“AW FUCK YEAH BOYS, ABBA THE FUCKING GOAT, EH? I’D DESTROY THAT AMANDA SEYFRIED AND THEN BUILD A MONUMENT IN REMEMBRANCE OF THAT ASS”, Gibbon, affectionately known as Gibby, exclaimed.

Partlow piped in, “Shut the fuck up Gibby, let’s get this shit show on the road.”

“FUCKIN EH BOYS? VEGAS CAN’T HANDLE GIBBY. THIS BIG DICK SWANGIN MOTHER FUCKER IS COMING BACK WITH A VENGEANCE FOR SOME OF THAT LEGAL PAY PUSSY.”

Gibby had played for a short-lived Las Vegas expansion team before coming to Texas. He had been talking very adamantly all week about the amount of women he had copulated with in Las Vegas as a young player in the league. He was very excited at the prospect of rekindling some old flames and, maybe, sparking some new ones.

The team had loaded their bags and gotten onto the bus. We were all seated and the bus took off. I was seated next to Travis Kudleychuck, or Kuddles as I call him, and we were talking about some of the newer composite sticks that had come onto the market and whether our meager rookie salaries would allow us to splurge on luxuries such as that. Alexander Daigle, team captain, stood up at the front of the bus and addressed the team.

“Listen up boys. Las Vegas is called sin city for a reason. On top of the gambling, the legal prostitution, and the drugs, we all need to watch out for one thing. The fucking clap. I talked to management and they hooked us up with enough free condoms to fuck for three or four lifetimes.”

Daigle began to shower the team with condoms. It was an odd sight as a bunch of grown men were snatching up condoms like kids grabbing candy at a parade. Some of the team decided to open them up and test the durability by slingshotting them at one another. A small condom skirmish ensued and that was quelled soon after assistant captain, Maxim Horvat began to scream that the condoms were precious and he would need all of them that he could get. A few condoms had fallen into my and Kuddles lap. Liam Kinsler, the other assistant captain, quickly snatched these from us rookies.

“C’mon boys, these are condoms made for man-sized dicks. There’s no way you could fit those fucking baby dicks in these.”

Kinsler laughed and sat back down. Kuddles and myself looked at each other and kind of scoffed.

The bus ride to DFW was not that long and the process to check through the airport was even quicker. Being that the team often traveled by air, we all had TSA PreCheck which didn’t require an exhaustive screening process that normal people would have to be subjected to. We made it to the gate and had about thirty minutes to kill. Some guys went and got some coffee, others went and bought magazines, and I just sat at the gate and browsed the internet on my phone. Gibby had come back from, what he declared, was the biggest shit he had ever taken.

“HOLY FUCK BOYS, THE CARNAGE WAS LIKE HIROSHIMA AND NAGASAKI FUCKED AND HAD A FAT FUCKING BABY. I’M TALKING A BOMB THE LIKES OF WHICH HASN’T BEEN SEEN BEFORE.”

The word ‘bomb’ seemed to raise a few eyebrows around the gate. Other passengers of the flight seemed uneasy. Airport employees started mumbling to each other, assuredly contemplating calling TSA.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Gib! What the fuck is wrong with you? You don’t say the fucking word ‘bomb’ in a fucking airport you jackass!” Horvat exclaimed.

Just then, TSA had come over and had grabbed Gibby by the arm. They began to exchange words in a hushed tone. It seemed like forever before Gibby blurted out, “I SWEAR TO GOD IT WAS THE SIZE OF YOUR HEAD. I HAD TO FLUSH FOUR OR FIVE TIMES TO GET IT TO GO DOWN. I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA HAVE TO SWIM OUT OF THE BATHROOM.” The TSA agent looked like he was on the verge of laughter, but held his composure. It seemed as if they had come to some sort of agreement, and the TSA agent left. Gibby turned to face us and had the biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

We boarded the plane without incident. Even Gibby was pretty calm as we were getting on the flight. We were flying first class aboard Delta Airlines and had some very nice accommodations. I sat next to Kuddles, and across the aisle was Horvat. Every time the stewardess would walk by he would give her a smile, or a wink. She seemed to be enjoying the attention, and Horvat even pinched her on the ass one time as she walked by. She gave him a playful slap and bit her bottom lip, with a very big smile on her face.

It wasn’t long before the flight got in the air and the drinks started flowing. Everyone was hooting and hollering and having a generally good time. There were smiles all around. The flight was going to be a short one, as it was only about two and a half hours from Dallas to Vegas. If anything, the flight was a pregame before the real party began. Champagne, shots, beers, you name it, they were all around us. At one point, a few of the guys even coaxed the stewardesses into taking shots with us. The first class area was loud as everyone was becoming fairly boisterous. I was mid-sentence, talking to Kuddles when I noticed that Horvat was not in his seat. I looked around and he was nowhere to be found in the cabin. Then I heard it. Screaming coming from the bathroom. I looked around and found that the stewardess he was hitting on was also missing in action.

“No fucking way,” I said.

“What?” Kuddles asked.

I gestured for him to be quiet. A few of the other guys noticed as well and the cabin had become almost dead silent, with the echoes of this poor girl ringing from the bathroom. A few guys started snickering, and suddenly, the screaming stopped. It was quiet for a few seconds and then Horvat came busting out of the door and shot a very used condom right at Gibby. He connected with Gibby’s head and screamed, “BOOM! HEADSHOT!”

The cabin erupted with laughter and applause while Gibby was screaming vulgarities, as Horvat made his way back to his seat. He was high fiving and catching punches to the arm from everybody around him. The stewardess came out of the bathroom looking very frazzled, and very embarrassed. A few of the boys threw her some congratulations and asked how big it was. Absolutely flushed, she scurried toward coach faster than some of us can skate. Horvat was sitting next to Igor Ogorodnikov, backup goaltender. He looked across the aisle at myself and Kuddles and just said, “One down boys, and there’s plenty more where that came from.” He winked and went back to talking to Ogo.

The flight landed not much longer after that. We touched down, grabbed our bags, and made our way outside as fast as possible. There was another chartered bus waiting for us. We loaded up and headed over to our hotel for the weekend. The team was kind enough to book us an entire floor of hotel rooms for the weekend at the Bellagio, one of the premier lodging destinations in all of Las Vegas. We arrived to the hotel and checked in and made our way up to the rooms. A lot of the guys were getting very hungry, so we all decided to meet in the lobby at 4 pm to get some food. Kuddles and I were sharing a room together as two of the three rookies that Texas had drafted. The other, Sergei Volchenkov, would be staying with veteran The Carl Mountain. We unpacked our bags, checked out the accommodations, and relaxed for a few minutes before we had to head down to the lobby. Kuddles made his way to the mini bar and decided to pour us out some shots. He gestured me over.

“Here’s to a long, prosperous career in the greatest game on this planet, for the greatest team on this planet, in the greatest league on this planet,” he said, raising his glass.

“Fuckin eh, bud.” I replied.

Our glasses clinked together, and we threw them back.

“Fuck, look at the time,” I said, “We gotta get downstairs.”

We got back down to the lobby and the entire team was there waiting for us.

“What the fuck rooks? Too busy 69’ing in your room? We’re fucking starving, here!” Vladimir Lidstrom called out.

Kuddles flipped him and off and we all made our way over to Prime steakhouse, which was a restaurant modeled to look like a speakeasy straight out of the 1930’s. Ogo grabbed the wine list and ordered a few bottles of the Bryant Cabernet Sauvignon, a wine known for its unrivaled finesse, depth, and power. We all began to drink and joke amongst ourselves, most of us still a bit tipsy from the flight here. The waiter came around and took our orders, and we ate without much incidence. Everyone was having coffee and we noticed that it was already 8 o’clock.

Horvat stood up, and announced to everyone, “Team bonding is a tradition known throughout the league. It is a chance to get to know the men you will be going to battle with on a more personal basis. We’ve all had very different journeys to get to this point in our lives and careers. Despite this fact, we all now bleed silver and black. We will go to battle and fight for the men beside us, and do whatever it takes to make sure that they are treated with a level of respect and compassion that we would give to our wives and children. That’s why, the bill tonight will be paid by our newest additions, Stryker, Ranjan, Dooley, Goody, and Palat. WELCOME TO TEXAS MOTHER FUCKERS!”

Everyone with the exception of the aforementioned let out a hearty laugh and cheer and we all vacated the table. The new acquisitions split up a sizable bill, from what I’m told and retreated back up to the floor we were all staying on. It was decided that we would all relax for a little bit. Nap, shower, shave, get dressed, and reconvene in the lobby for drinks and some good old fashioned gambling at about 10 o’clock. I went back into the room and passed out once my head hit the pillow.

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We all met back down in the lobby and made our way onto the casino floor. Everyone was buying drinks and split up to peruse the different tables and games. A lot of people migrated to the blackjack or craps tables. Myself and Kuddles wandered around for a bit, not really playing anything, just absorbing the environment. We found ourselves at Horvat’s craps table, watching him throw the dice with two very attractive women on each side of his. He would often tell them,

“Blow on the dice ladies, show me you bring good luck on the come out.”

We moved on and came across other Renegades players, most of the time with a woman on their arm, and most of the time with a very large stack of chips. Everyone was throwing around money and buying drinks like it was the end of days. Kuddles and I made our way back to the bar to get some refills. A young woman approached Kuddles and struck up a conversation with him. I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

I came back to the bar and Kuddles looked like he had pounded several bottles of alcohol in a very short time. He was becoming belligerent and started accosting everyone in sight. I approached him and asked him how many he had to drink.

“Jes un mennn,” he was able to slur out. His breath didn’t even really smell like alcohol.

“Holy fuck, that psycho bitch spiked your drink,” I looked up to find her and she had, seemingly, disappeared into the crowd. I grabbed Kuddles and tried to drag him back to our room. Just then, Partlow, Ogo, and Kinsy all ganged up on me.

“Yo, Allen, we got some fucking blow bro. You wanna go vacation on some white sand?” Ogo asked me.

“Nah man, Kuddles is super fucked up. I think someone spiked his drink.

“Lucky mother fucker,” Partlow said.

“Maybe I’ll catch up with you guys later. I’ve gotta get dude back to his bed ASAP.” I replied.

“We’ll be up in the room if you’re feeling adventurous,” Kinsy said with a huge grin on his face.

I looked back to where Kuddles was, and he was nowhere to be found. Holy fuck, I started to freak out internally. I ran out toward the lobby and there he was. Standing on the reception desk, butt ass naked, swinging his dick around and screaming something about “feeling comfortable as a fucking man”. Kinsy, Partlow, and Ogo came up next to me.

“Holy fuck, that’s one of the biggest dicks I’ve ever seen,” Kinsy said, with his mouth agape.

“Yeah, good luck with that rook,” Partlow said, as he patted me on the back and they disappeared.

“KUDDLES, GET THE FUCK DOWN YOU DUMB MOTHER FUCKER. YOU TRYING TO GET ARRESTED”, I yelled at him.

It was too late, the cops had come in the door and were trying to wrangle him off of the desk. Kuddles fought valiantly as they were trying to bring him down. At one point, I’m pretty sure he dick slapped one of the officers in the face. His resistance was futile though, as the officers easily overpowered him, handcuffed him, and led him out the door. All the while he was being arrested, Kuddles just kept screaming, “ALLEN, SAVE THE PRINCESS.” Not sure what he meant by that, but I assumed that Kuddles was the princess that needed saving.

I wasn’t really sure what to do. I stood in the lobby, dumbfounded by what I had just witnessed. My first instinct was to find the captain and let him know what happened. He would be able to sort it out, I thought. I went back onto the casino floor looking high and low for Horvat. I came across Lidstrom, instead. Lidstrom was stylin’ and profilin’ with a very young, beautiful woman on his arm.

“Yo Liddy, have you seen Horvat? It’s really fucking urgent that I find him.”

“WOOOOOOOOO! Naw baby, I haven’t. Me and Ms. Teresa here are getting ready to go tango in the squared circle I call my bed.”

Gross, I thought. Liddy was considerably older yet, somehow still played at a very high level in the league. He also seemed to attract some incredibly hot women. I decided Liddy was not the person I should place my trust in resolving this matter, but before I could move on to try and find Horvat, Liddy pulled me in close.

“Listen kid, I got a bottle full of Viagra up in the room and a dime piece on my arm. If you fuck with me at all tonight, I will kill you.”

Liddy let out a very loud, “WOOOOO!” before he strutted away with Teresa. I kind’ve stood in disbelief for a second, recalling the bizarre day/night that I had gone through. I continued to walk around the casino floor checking all of the craps tables, all the blackjack tables, and even all of the slot machines. No Horvat, no luck. During my exploration I came across Sergei Volchenkov.

Sergei was wandering about by himself and, apparently, his roommate The Carl Mountain hadn’t been seen since dinner. I let him know about Kuddles and we both seemed to realize that we were in this situation together, and a resolution would require some teamwork. I asked him if he had seen Horvat, and he said that he recalled seeing him make his way back toward the rooms.

Sergei and I decided to head back to the lobby. We’d catch the elevator and head back up to the rooms. We got to the elevator and it seemed to be out of order. We both sighed, simultaneously, and started walking up the stairs. Once we got to our floor we passed the elevator. We heard it spring to life all of a sudden, and the door dinged open. Inside was Horvat, butt naked, with a woman in the front of him on her knees, and a girl on her knees behind him. Horvat looked up and noticed the door had opened and we were standing there. He got a big smile on his face said, “I call it the CN Tower boys, now, FUCK OFF!” The elevator door shut, and we walked away. The night just kept getting stranger.

We walked to Volchenkov’s room and heard crying or mumbling of some sort. Volchenkov opened the door and there he was. The Carl Mountain was laying in the fetal position in the middle of the room. He was rocking back and forth, mumbling incoherently to himself and looked to be covered from head to toe in honey. He was crying and mumbling to himself. Volchenkov stood there speechless. Carl noticed that were standing there, and starting crying and hissing at us. We took that as our cue to leave.

Our next course of action was to check Kinsler and Partlow’s room. We went and knocked on the door. The door flung open and Ogo was standing there wearing nothing but a man thong. He screamed in pleasure and began to hug both of us, talking extremely quickly.

“OhmyGodboysit’ssonicetoseeyouareyouhavingfunwe’rehavingagreattimeyouguyscancomeinandenjoysomeofourdrugsifyou’dlikehowdoesthatsound?”

“Uh, yeah,” I replied.

I stepped in the door and it looked like a bomb had gone off in the room. It was torn apart from top to bottom and Kinsy and Partlow were laying on the floor, shirtless, talking at a pace equivalent to that of Ogo’s. Cocaine covered the entire room, by the look of it, and they seemed content in their new found paradise. I didn’t really know how to approach the situation so I just came out with it.

“Kuddles got arrested and we tried to find Horvat, but when we found him he was getting his knob and chocolate starfish polished by two girls in the elevator. We also found Carl, but I’m pretty sure he’s fucking torn up on acid right now and is laying butt ass naked in his hotel room covered in honey.”

They all went silent and looked at me. Partlow came up to me real close and stared at me for a long time. After a long time staring at me, he said, “Are you sure it was honey?” Kinsy and Ogo lost it, and they all started howling with laughter. Kinsy got up and turned on the stereo and house music encompassed the room. They all got up and started hopping around like rabbits and proceeded to begin smashing even more of the furniture in the room. Once again, this seemed like a pretty good cue for us to leave.

Volchenkov and I found ourselves standing in the middle of the hallway and we heard a very loud, very shrill scream. A woman came running out of a room and began screaming at us to help her.

“OH MY GOD HE FAINTED. I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. HELP PLEASE YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.”

Volchenkov and I rushed over to the room and busted in and there he lay, on the floor. Lidstrom was was wearing a silk robe with his name embroidered on it, but that was not enough to cover his erection.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Volchenkov said out loud.

“I can’t fucking handle this, I’ve seen too many dead bodies,” and with that, Teresa took her leave.

Another fucking naked man. Why the fuck do they always have to be naked? At this point I was fed up. One of the youngest guys on the team and I was now required to be the most responsible? I looked at Volchenkov and told him to grab the legs.

“Hell no man, you grab the legs. I’m not going near that thing.”

Fuck, alright. I grabbed the legs and he grabbed the arms. We struggled to get Liddy to the elevator. We set him on the ground and paged the elevator. It dinged, and the doors opened up. No dude getting a tongue bath this time, not bad. We loaded up Liddy and made our way for the lobby. We stopped at a few floors on the way down, but nobody seemed interested in sharing an elevator with an unconscious man with a boner. When we got to the bottom floor we had the receptionist call an ambulance and we found a wheelchair for Vliddy to sit in. We also took care to lay a towel over his lap.

The ambulance came and took Liddy and the paramedics let us know where they were going to be taking him. They said it was likely a Viagra overdose and he would need to have his stomach pumped, but he would be fine in the morning. They went on their way and Volchenkov and myself took a walk down the strip to cool our heads. We strolled down Las Vegas Boulevard, transfixed by the lights and the sights. We walked for a while and the lights faded behind us. We came across a bar, nothing out of the ordinary, which had music blasting from within. The song YMCA was on and we decided to see what was going on.

We got inside the bar and waded through the crowd. There was an awful lot of guys in here. There was a bar in the middle of the building, with a stage just past it on the opposite wall of where we came in. We got to the bar and ordered some whiskey. We pounded them quickly and finally got a good look at the stage. On the stage there were five guys dressed like the village people and I say that pretty loosely. The clothing was skimpy, and didn’t leave much to be desired. It was at that point I realized that we had just stumbled into a gay bar. Tonight. Tonight. Tonight, was the night that every force imaginable seemed to find it in its power to fuck me. Well, I would not be fucked at that gay bar. I did an about face and went to leave, but Volchenkov grabbed my arm.

“ALLEN! HOLY SHIT DO YOU SEE WHO THOSE GUYS ARE ON STAGE!?” Volchenkov screamed over the music.

I squinted and took a long hard look at the stage. Holy fuck. No way. No fucking way. There was no fucking way in hell that this is happening. Standing on the stage were the five newest additions to the Renegades. Stryker, Ranjan, Dooley, Goody, and Palat were all standing on the stage, dressed as the Village People. I couldn’t even believe, nor was I interested in hanging around to ask questions. I told Volchenkov that I was out of there, and he followed suit.

We walked back to the hotel and didn’t say much of anything else after that. We got back up to the rooms and we heard it. It was coming from Gibby's room. The door was wide open, and the sound was amplified. We peered in the door for a split second and there it was. Gibby was getting pegged by a woman that looked to be twenty years his elder. He noticed us before we could get away and he hollered out, "HEY BOYS, THIS IS LUCILLE. WE WERE A THING. SHE'S FUCKING SEXY, EH?"

A meek, "Yeah", was all I could muster out. This night had seen every up and down imaginable, and the pinnacle of it was watching Gibby get penetrated by a woman. That was about the last straw. I marched right into my room and proceeded to drink half the mini bar with Volchenkov. We became sufficiently drunk and decided it was time to go to sleep to rid ourselves of the memories of the night. Since Carl was, assuredly, still probably tripping his fucking face off, I invited Volchenkov to stay the night in Kuddles’ suite as he wouldn’t be using it. We both went to our respective suites and went to sleep.

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The next morning was something to be seen. I couldn’t look anyone on the team in the eye. Nobody seemed to think anything of their behavior the night before, and carried on as if nothing had happened. Kuddles had somehow been bailed out of jail and was at breakfast, un-phased by the past nights events. Gibby was eating breakfast with Lucille, who he was feeding fruits from the buffet. Even Liddy, who overdosed on Viagra for fucks sake, waltzed into breakfast and ordered a bloody Mary like it was any other day. We boarded our bus in the early afternoon and headed back to Texas.

It was an interesting experience to say the least, and it was certainly eye opening. I had never seen grown men handle themselves in that manner. With blatant disregard for both their health and that of those around them, I just never thought I’d see the day. It’s inspired me to become a better person in my life. One day I hope to party as hard as they can, and to fuck as many women as they have. I want to get on their level and completely ignore any and all rational thoughts of safety or hazard that my body may get me. These men are inspirations to all and I can’t wait to share the ice with them one day.

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Code:
4626 words

Leo Senpai · 08-13-2015, 11:57 PM

tl:dr?

Allen · 08-13-2015, 11:58 PM

Quote:Originally posted by Leonidas@Aug 13 2015, 11:57 PM
tl:dr?

tl;dr fuck you read it

Jesster · 08-14-2015, 12:00 AM

This is way too long for reading on mobile but Allen I just wanted to say fuck you.

With love.

Joker5123 · 08-14-2015, 12:01 AM

Quote:Originally posted by Jesster@Aug 14 2015, 12:00 AM
This is way too long for reading on mobile but Allen I just wanted to say fuck you.

With love.

Allen · 08-14-2015, 12:03 AM

Quote:Originally posted by Jesster@Aug 14 2015, 12:00 AM
This is way too long for reading on mobile but Allen I just wanted to say fuck you.

With love.