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Poonslayer69 · 07-24-2016, 05:10 PM

At first glance, Poon Slayer has a face that only a mother can love. From his crudely, self-done bowl cut, to his three to one gum to tooth ratio, Poon is not easy on the eyes. Some call it a miracle that he can fit a helmet on his large, asymmetrical, rectangular head. His pale skin has a permanent grime layer from dirt, sawdust, and other by-products of the Amish lifestyle. But in order to really understand Mr. Slayer and his supernatural talent, you need find a way through the seemingly coarse outer-layer and an even more impenetrable inner-layer. The latter conceived via emotional trauma and paternal neglect from growing up in the Amish community of Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Poon Slayer is perhaps the most unique player in this upcoming draft. I was granted the opportunity to hear his life story through countless years of brotherly interaction and support. He is naturally distrusting due to his humble yet abusive beginnings.

Poon Slayer grew up as a contributing member of an Amish community. Since birth he has always been slightly 'simple.' He was once the starchild of intercourse due to his size and farming efficiency. Growing up, Mr. Slayer out performed all the other Amish children with chores. He was often the victim of young trickery as he was constantly fooled into completing tasks for his 'friends.' Fortunately, these extra reps from a young age are just one of the many factors that gives Poon Slayer an edge over all other athletes.

Poon's father, Job Slayer, was notorious in the Intercourse community for being particularly strict. Unlike the other Amish children, Poon Slayer lived on a strict regiment that had literally no free time. Poon Slayer was either eating, learning, praying, sleeping, or most importantly, doing chores. He was forced to live by this lifestyle; there was no love, no acknowledgement, no fun, just work. Poon would try his hardest to achieve his fathers hard-sought-out approval. Unfortunately, Poon Slayer would live a life of neglect and abandonment.

As Poon matured and grew, he tried harder and harder to get Job's attention. Outperforming his own father in every possible chore, Poon would finish two days worth of field work and manual labor in a matter of hours. He didn't know what to do with this free time so he started to adventure to lands outside of the boundaries of the Amish. He discovered an oasis, a small pond, on the outskirts of town. This pond was remote, hidden at the top of a large hill, surrounded by heavy forest. The cicadas, crickets, and other forest critters were deafening. This was Poon's happy place, he spent as much time as possible around the pond.

At first, Poon Slayer kept this location secret, not telling a soul. One winter, the pond froze over, revealing a perceived wonder of nature that Poon had to tell his family. He tried to limit the information to just his 6 brothers and 4 sisters, but he spoke too loudly and his mother and father heard. Dragging him by the ear, they took Poon to the iced pond and and watched as he played on the ice. They were enraged that he was using his forbidden free time to do something as pointless as not praying. They didn't let him leave the ice for a whole day.

Despite the abuse, Poon's hunger for the ice still drove him to working harder with his chores and spending all of his free time in the forbidden pond. No amount of starvation or frostbite brought by his abusive and distant parents could quench Poon's thirst for ice time. As Poon spent more time on the ice, he started to get more and more creative with it. Fashioning ice skates from old leather shoes and recycled metal from the forge, Poon became more nimble on the ice than off. He stole a scythe from the barn one day after his chores and hit a rock around the ice. He didn't sleep that day, he just played Amish hockey all night. Eventually, Poon erected a wooden net on the ice. He was able to keep his new hobby a secret by getting better and better at his chores and finishing early and slipping out of the town unnoticed.

One day, Poon's laughter was extraordinarily loud and echoed all the way to town. The sound literally pierced his fathers ears. As he toppled over in pain, Job Slayer grew enraged. He sprinted up to the forbidden pond and witnessed his son playing hockey with stolen materials from the community. From that moment on, Poon was shunned and exiled from Intercourse. Poon would never get to experience the magic of Intercourse ever again. This exile fueled a fire in Poon's heart. A hatred for his father and the Amish community. He was able to break the metaphorical bonds of the Amish as he started to play hockey for organized clubs in other areas of Pennsylvania. He was much more graceful on the ice with actual hockey equipment and not crude, cast-iron farming tools.

One negative about Poon Slayer is that he has lived a life of isolation and exile. He is not a social creature. He suffers from anxiety in social interactions and more times than not craves solitude. As he starting playing in organized hockey clubs, he worked on his passing and teamwork a little bit, but that set of skills is nowhere near his forte given the fact that he has not spent a lifetime perfecting it. On the contrary, Poon Slayer has an edge that no other athlete in the upcoming draft has; he has real motivation. Poon's amazing work ethic and determination got him through the door in hockey; but it's his fire that allows him to thrive in the sport. Poon plays for hatred and spite of his father and the rest of the Amish community who shunned him. He was abandoned by one family and embraced by the welcoming arms of hockey.