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trella · 08-09-2017, 01:27 AM

[Image: 55faf5802f04027cbaca4f8667541889--fat-ma...er-men.jpg]

Hello males, females, and confused attack helicopters of St Louis, my name is Leshawnalson O,Connel-Dixon and Iâ€™m here to host a new talk show called, well I donâ€™t really have a name for it yet. (names would be appreciated). Today I am going to be talking about St. Louis Scarecrows player Teddy Cuddles.

Teddy Cuddles has done a lot of work this offseason to improve himself as a player. Teddy was not as good as most of his team mates and opponents, but he is slowly getting better. In fact, Teddy was taken a huge jump in some areas of his game. But let's be honest. We all know Teddy is a trash can on skates, an absolutely incompetent hockey player. And we all know that Teddy is still much worse than his team mates and opponents, so much so that it is laughable. So Iâ€™m here to shed some light on some of the areas of his game that make my will to live even smaller than Wikiâ€™s

One area Teddy has become weak in is Face Offs. Like a pokemon, Teddy has deleted the move â€œFace Offâ€ from his moveset. Once being informed he would return to the wing for his first full season in the SMJHL, he has not trained in Face Offs once, and somehow someway, they have completely left his mind. When Teddy steps into the Face Off dot, he nearly shits his pants and starts losing consciousness. His sudden complete incompetence in the Face Off department is rather concerning. He may have to take faceoffs during the game if a center gets thrown out of the dot. If that happened, you would be better off throwing a real scarecrow out there.

Another concerning weakness in Teddyâ€™s game is his passing abilities. Teddy has never been a good passer, and that has not changed. Although he has greatly improved in the passing department, he is still quite shit. Accepting his inner Kobe, passing is just not an option sometimes for him, as he finds himself physically unable to pass. When Teddy does make a pass, the chances of it getting to its desired target is just as good as the chances of finding a homophobic liberal. Now like I mentioned, Teddy has taken big steps in his passing game, which is a positive. But in the grand scheme of things, he went from shit to slightly less shit. Mr. Cuddles has some serious work to do if he ever wants to become a great offensive player.

Another weakness, we are going to talk about Teddyâ€™s strength. For a grown man who measures up as 6â€™5, 220, you would expect him to be more solid than pigeon poo. However that is not the case. Teddy entered the league as a weak player, has stayed that way. It really seems as if he has not lifted a damn weight all season and off season. If Teddy could lift a twenty five pounder, I would spit out my drink and ask my co-workers to pinch me because that shit is damn near impossible. I looked at this man-childâ€™s arms and his biceps reminded me of the soggy mashed potatoes my old hag of a grandmother used to make on Thanksgiving. For Pete's sake Teddy go do a bench press or something would ya? Tigole Bittiesâ€™ daughter could take your pathetic excuse for arm strength in an arm wrestle in her sleep.

The last (I know itâ€™s hard to believe) weak area of Teddyâ€™s game is his puck handling abilities. This area of his game is laughable. If you go to a Scarecrows game, you will see many plays on the ice practicing their puck skills in the pregame skate, but not Teddy. You can always find him skating around in circles like a blubbering neanderthal, playing grab ass with his team mates. The reason that you donâ€™t see him doing any puck skills during this time is that his puck handling skills are the most putrid thing I have ever seen. Seeing Teddy do quick movements with the puck is like seeing a prisoner getting shocked by the electric chair. Teddy is completely spazzing out, and looks like he is damn near having a seizure. I've seen better hands on Anakin Skywalker after his fight with Obi Wan. Watching his puck skills used to make me want to gouge my eyes out, but now I really want to see it. It gives me a good laugh and I can tell my kids stories about how a man had a seizure on the ice today. They have some bizarre senses of humor so they are sure to laugh at that. Teddy, if youâ€™re reading this, please give everyone on the ice a laugh before you make them want to light themselves on fire with your piss poor play.

Well, it seems we are just about done talking about this bloke. I had fun, I got to let off some steam, and Iâ€™m getting payed to roast athletes, so thereâ€™s nothing better. I hope you all had fun with this, episode 2 will be coming soon. I am taking requests for players to call out and ideas for the name of this show in my PM box, Discord DMâ€™s, or on the comments of this media. This is Leshawnalson Oâ€™Connel-Dixon, signing out from St Louis, see you all later.

914 words, ready to be graded