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hornej10 · 10-24-2018, 08:28 AM

First article. 498 Words
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It is a cool October morning in Riga, Latvia. Reporters are filing into a small room filled with camera operators and photography equipment. The reporters get settled as the man of the hour steps in. At 6 ft 2 and 220 freedom pound units, Ivars is brought to the table and sits down. He has been stuffed into a suit far too small and he looks unkempt. His eyes have a wild glint.

He loudly clears this throat and, as if it were instinctual, spits on the nice carpeted floor. Ivars lowers his head to the microphone so closely his beard lays on top of it. "I would like to officially announce my intentions to declare for the SMJHL Draft.". The reporters in the room erupt and security moves in to settle everyone down. Eventually, a reporter is given the floor.

Question 1: "Ivars, is it true that you intend to continue your brutal style of offense in the SMJHL? It is said their league is for more finesse style players. I am not sure if your trademark 'headbutt defense, take puck, shoot puck' strategy translates well to the game".
Answer: "That style of hockey made me famous in Latvia and I am sure the same will be true in North America. I already have several GM's reaching out offering something called 'TPE' which I believe is Total Potato Equity. I could not turn down such an offer of better pay. I am also told that teams are running low on defensemen here due to their soft skulls. I am told the North Americans are harder headed and will prove a more worthy opponent."

Question 2: "Ivars, there are reports that you will be required, per the SMJHL collective bargaining agreement, to give up the practice of drinking enriched bear blood instead of water on the bench. How will you keep yourself properly hydrated in these conditions.?
Answer: "My agent is packaging this in with my deal. The collective bargaining agreement includes a flat ban on drinking bear fluids on the bench. But, I am told that in Canada they have a large deer bear called a Moose with equally nourishing fluids inside them. I plan on hunting some with my best bear skates when I arrive".

Question 3: "Ivars, one final question before you leave. How will you approach your deficiencies in skating? Even here you've been known to be a poor skater."
Answer: "It is true I will also work on my skating when I have more Total Potato Equity. In the meantime, I will terrorize this SMJHL. I will take the puck, I will take the win, I will take their romantic partners, and I will be loved for it".

At the conclusion of his final statement, the crowd in the room is moved to a state of near ecstasy. The pride of Latvia is going abroad to bring glory to the motherland and make many scores and bash many opponents.

***luke*** · 10-24-2018, 08:34 AM

I need some of this Potato Equity now, I’m sure you’ll have a couple to spare later on

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