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*Scrufdaddy* · 11-02-2018, 03:06 AM

Slip Dishes Delightful Details on his Defensive D... D... Teammates
by: Slip McScruff, with a foreword by SD

I'm sorry for what you are about to read. I approached Slip for some SMJHL content that wasn't just his mother parroting Car Insurance ads into my tape recorder. He took that as an invitation to write his own Player's Tribune style article for our ~esteemed~ sports rag. My editor of course thought that was a great idea and the garbage you are about to read is the half cooked, fool's gold egg from our favorite fool of a goose, Slip McScruff.

My apologies,
SD

Uh, yeah, so hi guys, I would like to start off my first Player's Article by, uh, thanking you for taking the time to read my, uh, first Player's Article. As a new member of the St. Louis Scarecrows, I wanted to learn from my fellow Defensemen and SD thought it would be a great idea to share my notes with you all, my loyal, uh, fans. I'm gonna just go through them alphabetically, by last name, and talk about, ya know, how just really cool they are. Now, I've never actually, uh, been out there on the ice before, and never actually, uh, watched their tapes. So this is just like, highly theoretical and grounded in total uninformed opinion, which SD tells me is my biggest strength. I wanted to make a really good first Player's Article impression on my mom and my teammates and maybe also Kanye if he's watching, so I'm trying to really tap in to my strongest, uh, strength.

First, alphabetically, by last name, is Helmuts Akmenlauks (@CookieMonster ) who is rocking the second highest TPE of the group (284) at the time of writing this. Get this, Helmuts is better than me at a lot of things, which will probably be a trend here but he's also the first in a series of 80 Defense studs who make me look more out of position than a jabroni getting honked at in the middle of the crosswalk when the light clearly says "Don't Walk". With his higher Passing / Scoring / Defense and his average Skating, I bet this guy is just gonna be a turret hanging in the right place rocketing pucks to his teammates (not that I would know what to do with it) or into the back of the net, depending on his mood. Certified Animal.

Second, alphabetically, but first in my heart, is Samuel Jalopski (@ThatDamnWalrus ) who makes me look like a fucking toddler on roller-blades. I'm lucky the Crows decided they wanted D seconds after grabbing this absolute gem of a main course. Like, my mom actually calls me to ask how 'Lopski is doing because she knows his brand can sell more shirts. She's probably right because I've already got three myself. He's coming on to the team with 47 more TPE than me, AND 46 of that is banked. Talk about a team player, he's set up to fill the exact hole he needs to fill and I just gotta hope that hole isn't mine. Scarecrows

Rookie Crow Gang S44 Scarecrows

Certified Hole Filler.

Third up, alphabetically, is Gordie Maple (@mmfootball ) who has been on the Crows since S41, but he's had this kind of glazed over look in his eyes since the end of S42. Even in zombie mode, this guy is tooling on me with his Defense, Puck Handling, and Skating. He's like one of those fast zombies, ya know, and as much as I eat my wheaties every night before bed, he just glides by. I honestly think I heard him mutter "Brains" during training camp. Maybe he can teach me how to skate if he wakes up, or if I share some brain food with him. Certified Zombie.

Fourth, alphabetically, is Julio Ruiz (@Spangle ) who is a check beast after my own heart. This dirty Dan is gonna roll up into your personal space, take your lunch money, and air mail it over to Nicky (@mstuk41 ) or Jerry (@twerkin4jesus ) who are then gonna cash in at the bank of You Just Let Your Team Down. I mean, he's doesn't look like he's going to put up huge minutes with that low Endurance, but it will feel like the longest ride in your life when you're checked into the 1800's. Certified Schoolyard Bully to all you dweebs out there in Detroit.

Fifth, alphabetically, is Kiko Rytmeyr (@ThatIrishFellow ) who is The Rock with 380 TPE and, wow, can I smell what he is cooking. This Irish Stallion has beefed out Skating and Scoring, so he's basically Tom Brady if you're from Boston like me, or he's the guy calling Tom Brady a cheater if you're not from Boston like a dirty Colts fan. If I get out on the ice with this guy, I'll just be his puck feeding towel boy until maybe I get some skill through osmosis over here. Certified GOAT.

Sixth, alphabetically, still by last name, is Rowdy Smithers (@PDXBaller ) who is the other Offensive Defenseman in the squad, also with some Big TPE Energy swinging about him. Unlike Kiko, he's going to pass more than he shoots even though he's got a rocket shot up his sleeve. I bet he's a generous lover too. He's another one of those zombie killers, but maybe if he wakes up he can teach me how to make a penalty shot since he's got the best, uh, penalty shot of the gang. He's tied with Right Winger Brock Nuck (@NUCK ) for best penalty shot on the team. Coincidentally, they're also tied for first in the Only Guys That Showed Up to Penalty Shot Practice category. Certified Lover.

Last, only alphabetically and in some cases first alphabetically, is Airi Yamaguchi (@DeathClutch19 ) who is a focused Defensive magician. Some of these guys out here are trying to be flashy I Wanted To Be a Forward But I Have the Body of a Defensemen Defensemen, but Airi is all business. She knows exactly what she wants to do and could work circles around me even though our TPE is similar. She's a solid Two-Way Defensemen, just really defensively smart and able to get the puck exactly where she wants it. On the whole, we aren't a very physical group and I think her skills fit right in with our play style. Certified Magician.

To wrap things up, I would be proud to share lines with any of these animals, but, uh, I'm also terrified of them. Oh man, why did SD make me write this. I'll be in the shadows so long, I'm gonna come out of S44 with a vitamin D deficiency. But then again, I can show these notes to the young Slip that gets drafted next season. Unless he's also just a huge stud and then I'm totally fucked. The End.

Thanks, uh, loyal fans,
Slip McScruff