Wait, didn’t we do Mars?

Yes, but now it’s fun. I had so much fun writing Episode 5 that we’re going to do it again. You know Mars, so we’re not going to do it again.

Also, you know the drill. Formatting is [Organism: Speech in native language], this is my own text, you know the formatting, so let’s get on with it. Into the locker room!

Okay guys, so don’t be discouraged by whatever the hell the Eridians did. They are banned for five more weeks, as you guys are well aware. I don’t know how timekeeping works on Eris. Maybe they think their suspension is over now? It’s hard to see Earth from there, lost in the glare of the Sun. [Dakor: I really don’t know, Igor.] Well Dakor, I think the SHL is keeping track of that and will let them know. No need to worry. [Hello, Martians. (recognized as the Eridians) We are here to-] [All: (interrupt) Five more weeks!] [Fine.] (They leave.) Sorry about that.

Bemug? You okay? [Bemug: Not really…] What happened? [Bemug: First Eris, now my skates…] [Rasnolk: I know exactly, bud. I wish Redik (Iredikog) was here.] [Hertok: I wonder where he is. He must be running late.] (Iredikog enters) [Iredikog: Sorry, guys. Got caught up in a bit of a dust tornado and lost my sense of direction. Thank the universe for Phobos in the sky.] Wait Redik… thank the universe? [Iredikog: I’m nonreligious, Igor.] Okay then… [Reg: Redik, you got some new skates there, bud?] [Iredikog: Yeah, remember what happened last month?] [Rasnolk: Yep, your skates just fell apart.] [Iredikog: Yep. I still don’t know how that happened.] Redik? [Iredikog: Igor?] Tie my skates, bud. [Iredikog: Yep, I got you, bud. As the strongest on the team, seems I’m obligated to do with now.] [Hertok: How did we even get a human on our team anyways?] [Iredikog: Contract. Igor, just the basics or the… um… what’s it called? The more complicated thing where you tie it again?] Double knotting? [Iredikog: Yeah, that.] Redik, just do that for this game. Also, while you’re at it, would you mind teaching Rasnolk how to tie his skates? [Rasnolk: Me?] Yes. [Rasnolk: I can perfectly tie m-] [All: We know you’re lying, Rasnolk.] [Rasnolk: Yes, it’s true.] [Bemug: Redik, I’ll join in.] Iredikog, show them how it’s done. [Iredikog: Wait, you know my full name?] I do. Now, go!

[Iredikog: Rasnolk, Bemug, put your skates up here and follow me. You want to tighten your skates first of all. Now on my new skates I have this thing, but you’re going to have to do it the hard way.] [Rasnolk: Do I have to?] [Iredikog: Yes. First, take this X thing here at the bottom, pull it up, and then pull the one below it to tighten that X, and then the one below that, and below that, and continue.] [Bemug: Wait, this is why you do that?] [Iredikog: Yep. Now do that again, and again, until you get it as tight as you want. Now the other skate, same thing.] [Rasnolk: Of course…] [Iredikog: I’ll do the same on mine and I’m going to wait until we all get ours done.] [Reg: What the heck is Redik doing?] [Hertok: Teaching the guys how to tie their skates.] We still have time, guys. We won’t be called to the ice for another fifteen minutes or so. [Iredikog: Now, it’s all tight, but we still don’t want our laces to be chewed up by our skate blade.] [Rasnolk: AND THAT ENRAGES ME!] [Iredikog: Rasnolk. And Bemug, you too. Pull to tighten this. Now cross them, over, under, and pull.] [Rasnolk: That’s not tight enough!] [Iredikog: And pull up and out. Up and out. You’ll have to hold this in place while you do the rest. Now, take this end, and loop, around…] [Rasnolk: And how is this-] [Iredikog: Almost done, now take this, take this through this.] [Rasnolk: This is so hard.] [Bemug: Hey Redik, I did it!] [Iredikog: Now work on the other one while I help Rasnolk out.] [Rasnolk: Redik, is it… this?] Guys, ten minutes. [Iredikog: No, let’s… one moment. Tug, tug. You’re right about this loop, and around through this…] [Rasnolk: I don’t get the… it’s so… hard.] [Iredikog: Let’s try the easier method. Instead of one loop you make two here, and just wrap them around the same way you did at the start.] [Rasnolk: Over, under, pull?] [Iredikog: Yep. It will produce the same result.] [Rasnolk: Got it.] [Bemug: Screw it, I’m using Rasnolk’s method.] [Iredikog: It’s okay if that works for you. I just use this method because I learned that.] Guys, we’re being called to the rink right now. [Bemug: Redik, does this look good?] [Iredikog: Tighter and you should be okay. Both skates.] [Rasnolk: Thanks, Redik.] [Iredikog: No prob. Hey, if it unties, don’t get enraged and break everything. Just tie it again.]

[Dakor: Igor, take my spot again.] Okay, Dakor. Guys, remember what I said last time we played Earth. Use strategy. Not strength. Use your brains, guys. Rasnolk, you can lead the team in discussions if you wish.

[Brodek (Earth goalie): Hey, Martian guy who I forgot the name of!] Me? [No, the goalie!] Iredikog? He goes by Redik. [Brodek: Yeah, Redik. Tell him to get over here.] Hey, Redik! [Iredikog: What?] (Realizing the language barrier, Brodek points at his untied skates, and hugs Iredikog.) [Iredikog: (English) Your… skates?] [Brodek: Yes. (gestures with his hands)] [Iredikog: To tie them?] [Brodek: Yes.] [Iredikog: Fair enough.] (Iredikog starts tying.) [Iredikog: (English) You don’t know how to tie your skates?] [Brodek: I do not.] [Iredikog: After the game, come with me.] [Brodek: Okay, Redik.] [Human: Wait, why should you learn from a filthy Martian? We can do it!] [Brodek: You guys stink!] [Ref: Brodek, what the hell?] [Iredikog: (English) I need to get back to my goal. I will talk to you later.]

BEEP

Rasnolk, do it! [Rasnolk: (English) HEY HUMAN!] [What?] (Rasnolk uses the human’s distraction to win the faceoff) [GRRRR!] [Rasnolk: Bemug!] [Bemug: I’ve got it!] [Hertok: I’ll try to attack Brodek from there!] [What are they saying?] [I don’t know, I can’t speak Martian!] [Rasnolk: Bad idea! He’ll see you from there! Aim from behind!] [Bemug: Skate around the goal and attack Brodek from there?] [Rasnolk: Yeah!] [Bemug: I’ll try, but these human defensemen…] [Brodek! The Martians are planning a secret attack!] Guys, scrap that plan, let’s just do the food trick. (English) Brodek! Pizza! [Brodek: You fool, thinking I’m going to fall for that again. Onwards to Redik!] Guys, we’re kind of… [Reg: Just use the 180 trick and crash a human into the boards!] You think that will work? [Reg: I think so.] Hertok! 180! [OH MY GOD OH MY- (turns around) Okay, I didn’t lose balance.] [Hertok: No, it didn’t work!] They’re advancing! Redik! Careful! [Iredikog: What?] THE PUCK, THE FREAKING PUCK. [Iredikog: Puck? Wh- oh. I think I can grab it and…] SAVE! Great job, Redik. [Brodek: Dammit.]

Okay, next time. We’re going to try this. Rasnolk, win the faceoff. (Rasnolk stealthily unties the human’s skates before the faceoff and blames it on the human) [Rasnolk, I’ve got it and I’m going to… (trips)] [Hey, need some help from the Martian?] [I do not!] [Ref: Okay, who untied  his skate? Video footage time.] (Rasnolk denies it, bribes the ref) [Ref: Okay, you didn’t do it.] [Is that even ethical?] [There’s no rule against it.] [What the hell?] [Ref: Game paused until the human figures out his skates.] [Guys, I’ve got it.]

BEEP

Reg, 180. [THUD] Reg? Reg?! [Um… what did I just do?] [Rasnolk: Reg?] (no response from Reg) [Hello?] [Bemug: Reg?!] [I’m getting a penalty for that, right?] [SOMEONE CALL 911!] [Uh, does 911 work on Mars?] [Ref: 10 minutes. Get a sub.]

(Reg is lifted off of the ice and transported to a hospital. The severity of his injuries remains unknown.)

Who are we going to substitute? Diren? [Direnikog: I’d rather not take the time to get out of my goalie gear.] Okay, who do we have on defense on the roster? Kedik? [Kedik: Fine. I’ll sub.] How good are his English abilities? [Rasnolk: Not even the alphabet. He studied Russian in school, not English.] Кедик, он Раснолк. Делай как он. [Rasnolk: I had no idea you spoke Russian, Igor.] Not very well, Rasnolk. Неплохо, но и не хорошо.

Hertok, Kedik, go! [Kedik: Что?] Поехали! [Kedik: Ясно.] [Is that Spanish?] [Doesn’t sound like Spanish.] [I actually think it’s Polish.] [Doesn’t sound Polish. Russian?] [Can’t be…] Bemug, go! Rasnolk, defend Kedik while I attack. BRODEK, THIS IS FOR YOU! [Brodek: Huh?] 1-0!

Okay, and now we have about 5 minutes left, and we’re going to get another goal. Rasnolk, go! [Seriously, was that Russian?] [Kedik: Я не понял ничего! Помоги!] [That has to be Russian… uh… da, nyet… uh… what are some other words in Russian?] [Rasnolk: Igor, three minutes and you want me to score on them?] Rasnolk, yep. [Kedik: Раснолк, что?] (Kedik tries to imitate Rasnolk.) [Rasnolk: (Martian, to Kedik) You’re a defenseman, not a center!] [Kedik: (Martian, to Rasnolk) I understand that - can we just use Martian?] [Rasnolk: Igor is kind of bad at Martian, you know!] Well, I’m not bad, but not good! Like Russian! [Rasnolk: I’ve lost control of it!] [Take this! And this! Redik will-] [Bemug: Redik, JUMP ON IT!] [Iredikog: I can’t!] (Brodek smiles) (Iredikog catches the puck in his mouth)

BEEP

(Iredikog eats the puck.)

[Ew.] [This is the second time he’s done this.] [Iredikog: I have a strong digestive tract. I’ve been eating pucks since I was three Martian years old.] [Brodek: Iredikog, I have huge respect for you, but come on.]

And that’s the end of the first period, guys. [Kedik: Igor should really improve his Martian, right?] [Iredikog: Well, he’s learning. Most of what we use between us is Martian, but when talking to him, or when he’s talking to us, it’s usually English. We can use Martian exclusively if we have to, but usually, if he’s involved, it’s English. Kedik, I can translate if you absolutely need to.]

[Bemug: Have we heard anything about Reg, yet?] Let me check. (Igor skates out) Hey, refs! [Ref: What? It’s not time for th-] Have you heard anything about Reg? Our locker room wants to know. [Ref: Funny you should ask. I just got off the network from the hospital. Reg should be okay, but is benched for about three weeks.] Okay. (Igor returns) Guys, he’s okay, and out for three weeks due to his injuries. [Bemug: Oh.] [Hertok: Ouch.] [Iredikog: So that’s what happened.] [Direnikog: Redik, why am I even here?]

The second period’s going to start soon, guys. [Kedik: Что?] [Rasnolk: (Martian) Most of what he says is pretty obvious stuff. If it’s really important, we’ll translate for you.] [Iredikog: Rasnolk, Bemug, how are your skates?] [Bemug: A bit loosened, but still okay.] [Rasnolk: I need to tie them again to get them as tight as I can… Iredikog?] [Iredikog: Rasnolk, one moment. Same thing here, remember? Over, under, pull.] [Rasnolk: Oh right. Got it. And we’re being called to the ice.

BEEP

You guys know what to do now. [Rasnolk: Yep!] [Bemug: Of course!] [Kedik: Что? Ещё раз?] [Rasnolk: (Martian, to Kedik) Follow me.] [Hertok: (adding to Rasnolk’s statement) And me.] [Iredikog: I know what to do.]

[Okay, the Martian team looks very organized now, we’ll need a new plan.] [What, with Redik admitting his digestive system can handle pucks, what are we going to do?] [Seriously, Redik, what do they taste like?] [Iredikog: Erm, not tasty, but tolerable for me. I could eat one or two, but no more in a game probably.] [Seriously, dude?] [Iredikog: Yep.] [What sort of taste buds does h-] [HE’S AN ALIEN, REMEMBER?!] [Oh, right.]

[Hertok: Redik, careful!] [Iredikog: Oh crap, I need to-] (Hertok rushes in to keep the puck behind the line) [GET IT IN] (Kedik focuses on stopping the puck for Iredikog) [Dude, I thought he would eat it.] [Same.] All the way over there now, guys. We just narrowly avoided a goal. Redik, a bit more careful, please. [Iredikog: Sorry, guys…] Rasnolk, to Brodek! [Rasnolk: Why?] JUST ATTACK HIM! [Do not let him score!] [Rasnolk?] [He’s aggressive when he’s angry, you know that.] [I’m out of here.] [BRODEK!] [Brodek: Huh? Wh- is that a puck?] 2-0!

[We need to distract Redik!] Hey Redik? [Iredikog: Igor?] Focus your energy on the puck. Nothing else. They’re determined to distract you. [Iredikog: Got it, Igor.] [I wish he didn’t speak Martian…] [Brodek!] [Brodek: Huh?] [Dumb idea!]

[Rasnolk: Wow, Brodek is dumb.] Well, he can be. I know him fairly well. Bemug! Three! Anyways, if this fails, I’ll take it from here. [Bemug: Igor!] I’ve got it, Bemug! And there! (Brodek falls over trying to grab the puck) 3-0!

Brodek, you okay? [Brodek: Yeah… you guys are good. Or I am not. Hey, after this, can you get Redik again?] Yeah, sure. [Brodek: I want to talk to him.] Hey don’t worry about needing to know Martian. Iredikog knows enough English to communicate with you. [Brodek: Okay.]

[We’re going to burn Redik’s skates away!] [Iredikog: I spent 8 million terkoni on these skates!] [Terkoni?] [It’s the Martian currency. They’re not worth much. His skates look to be mid-range.] Bemug! [Bemug: For you, Igor!] [Rasnolk: Should we make Igor the captain of our team?] [Hertok: He needs to be more proficient in Martian before I vote for him.] Eh, I don’t know. I can try to communicate to you guys however I can. I could HEY REDIK! [Iredikog: Oh no…] BEEP

3-1… Iredikog, your skates okay? [Iredikog: Yeah. Nothing major.] Bemug, attack when you get the puck. [Bemug: Yes!]

Okay, that attack plan failed, so we- wait, no it, will it? [Brodek: Come on, guys!] BEEP It worked! 4-1! [Oh come on!]

BEEP

And with the last faceoff, the second period ends. [Brodek: HEY, REDIK!] (Brodek skates over to Iredikog’s side of the rink) [Iredikog: Hey Brodek, what- oh, your skates. Listen bud, after the game, come to our locker room, and I’ll teach you.] [No Brodek, I’ll teach you right now!] [Iredikog: Brodek, it’s okay.] (Iredikog hugs Brodek) [Wait, how are you not covered in slime, Brodek?] [Brodek: The Martians aren’t slimy actually. They seem to be more… solid. The appearance of red rocks describes them very well. I think for camouflage?]

Hey, where’s Redik? [Rasnolk: With Brodek.] Right. [Iredikog: I’m here.] Okay guys, same thing as before. Rasnolk, get more aggressive in defending the lead. The human players will be demotivated. From now on, we defend our 3-point lead and expand it. [Rasnolk: Well, you do know the weaknesses of humans.]

BEEP

Back to the ice. I’ll just tell you when something needs to be worked upon. My voice hurts. You’re on your own. [Rasnolk: (Martian) Kedik, just do what you’ve been doing.]

(time passes)

Redik, the puck. [Iredikog: Oh, I see it. Defend I must.] Great, no goal for them.

(time passes)

BEEP [Brodek, you idiot!]

5-1! Great job! [Rasnolk: I. WILL. END. BRODEK.]

BEEP (Rasnolk immediately wins the face off and goes with the puck) [Huh? Wha? OH MY GOD HE’S GOING TO-] [BRODEK! DON’T LET TH-] [Brodek: Oh my god.] BEEP [BRODEK! IDIOT, IDIOT, IDIOT! WHY HAVE WE NOT PULLED YOU?!] 6-1!

(time passes)

[Listen, there’s two minutes left and we’re losing 6-1.] [One minute and forty- thirty-nine, eight seconds, actually.] [It’s over, right? Yep…]

BEEP

We won 6-1, great job, guys. [Iredikog: Brodek!] [Brodek: What the hell do you want?] [Iredikog: Listen human, we’re going to practice both tying your skates and actual goaltending. Come to the locker room. HEY, HUMAN COACH!] [What?] [Iredikog: Is it okay if I keep Brodek? I want to help him improve his goaltending skills.] [From a Martian? I guess so… I’ll inform the other players.]

[Iredikog: Listen, you’re lacking focus. I know it’s easy to get distracted. However, if there’s action close to the net, the puck is probably there. You want to focus on the puck and not let it into your goal. I know that you might think we’re better players, but perhaps you’re just distracted too much.] [Brodek: Wait, you speak English that well?] [Iredikog: I’ve been working on hockey vocabulary for the last few weeks as well as speaking English more.] [Brodek: Impressive for a Martian.] [Iredikog: Thanks. Try this out. I’ll be a player, you block the puck.] [Brodek: Okay…] (Iredikog shoots) [Brodek: Hey, I blocked it!] [Iredikog: Yep. You need to be training this more.] [Brodek: What about my skates?] [Iredikog… oh, right.]

[Iredikog: The easy way or the hard way?] [Brodek: The hard way.] [Iredikog: You can tighten your skates, right? Just not tie them?] [Brodek: Yep.] [Iredikog: Okay, as I was teaching those guys in the locker room, over, under, pull. Up and out. Tighten this as much as you can.] [Brodek: Yeah, I get that.] [Iredikog: Now one loop like this, wrap it around like this, and focus on this thing here. Take this, go through that, and pull tight.] [Brodek: Okay, hold on.] [Iredikog: Well, you said the hard way.] [Brodek: Argh…] [Iredikog: Brodek, this through this. That’s the last step. (unties) You try from the start.] [Brodek: I don’t know where to begin, Redik.] [Iredikog: Brodek, tighten, over, under, pull. Then pull up and out to tighten that.] [Brodek: Ah.] [Iredikog: Now loop, and wrap, and through. This, that, and through.] [Brodek: I think I have it.] [Iredikog: Not all the way through. Stop about there.] [Brodek: Thanks, bud.] [Iredikog: You try the other one.] [Brodek: So… this, this…] [Iredikog: Yep.] [Brodek: And this, and this, and ugh, um… there.] [Iredikog: Now stop pulling. Let go. There.] [Brodek: Thanks, Redik.] [Iredikog: Tomorrow, we’ll train more goalie things. You want to meet on Earth or on Mars?] [Brodek: Probably Earth.] [Iredikog: Okay, bud. I’ll see you there. Our session will start with your skates.]

Next episode: Iapetus. After that, maybe I’ll let you decide. I have nothing at the moment.