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Baelor Swift · 09-26-2019, 04:10 PM

DOUBLE ME

DIA Season 50 SHL Entry Draft Name Reviews 17 of Them

So the fiftieth SHL Entry Draft has concluded and that is a big deal. 50 seasons is a very long time so it certainly is a real milestone. It’s longer than leagues like the NSHL and SLL and that NHL league with the live sims which is just crazy. In fact, it is longer than all of them combined. This also means that I have been in the SHL continuously for more than half of its existence which is also just crazy but enough of all that stuff. I am here to write about the Season 50 SHL Entry Draft, a draft filled with many prospects – fifty six of them to be exact. And how fitting that is. In 50 seasons we have a draft with over fifty players. That is like some mark of fate or something, maybe a sign from God that this is truly the chosen league and that it will continue to exist in spite of all the horrors in the world and hopefully will continue long after we become extinct and robots take over the world. Robots, I think, will enjoy it although I hope they can figure out how to make a better sim engine than Simon fucking T and its lack of logic. That would be quite cool.

So here, I will be talking about the fifty six draftees in order to get money. Big contracts are nice but you can’t live on them forever, you know? So here we are. I will be going pick by pick by pick by pick, telling you my thoughts about the prospects based on some very strong analysis. I will rate them, too, and then give a ranking list of all the draftees which I think will be cool. And before you start saying my list will probably be shit, let’s not forget people were making money from ranking dick sizes and some helmerschmitzen number so at least this will be more entertaining than those useless articles. Here, I will be rating the names and saying things that may or may not be true about the player based on their name and performance in the SMJHL last season. The last part is very important because using real statistics is a big thing here and in this media section in general – it is full of high quality high effort articles only and I am so proud to be contributing to this space full of true intellectuals.

So first overall, the Winnipeg Jets took the great Adam Barron, a defenseman from the Halifax Raiders. Now this guy was kinda useless last season with the Raiders, scoring just ten points all season and being negative in plus minues and that’s just sad because he did get a good amount of playing time and didn’t even really hit much. This guy, though, is related to the Red Baron, according to an anonymous source so he has flying in his DNA and that makes him a great match for the Winnipeg Jets, who are named after a type of aircraft known as a jet, which is known for flying at high speeds and is very powerful. Maybe Adam Barron can be that powerful one day but really his name isn’t that great but it is decent. Probably worth like a 5/10 in my ratings scheme which is so average actually. Next time, do better Mr. Aaron “Red” Barron the big boring defenseman from Halifax.

Second overall was none other than Ivan Maximus. This pick was made by the Texas Renegades who are definitely a team needing some big impact maximus to come back to relevancy as they have become quite a bad team lately with their poor play and repeated missing of the playoffs that I think dates back a few seasons or so. Ivan Maximus is a forward and he played his rookie season with the Anaheim Outlaws so that is quite funny as Outlaws and Raiders are a bit similar – especially in the Fallout series in which there are nuclear apocali and you get to control a player who was in a vault that protected people from dying from radiation that was most definitely copied in the television series entitled “The 100” where there are raiders who can easily be considered outlaws in the Fallout world that include Las Vegas, Nevada and Washington DC (District of Columbia) and Boston, Massachusetts. So you could say the transition may not be so bad actually. Ivan Maximus did so well for the Outlaws as a rookie. He really scored 29 points which is great for a rookie with seven goals and 22 assists and showed his mettle on the powerplay where he scored a lovely nine points during the season! However, I do have a problem with the guy’s name. It sounds like someone was trying too hard to make a cool name and just failed miserably or was trying to create a Disney Channel superhero named Ivan Maximus who runs around the city saving children from the local playground bullies and making plenty of new friends along the way including a Spanish speaking boy named Julio whose parents emigrated over to the United States from Honduras and spent the first three years of his life locked in a Texas concentration camp but overcame that bullshit to meet Ivan Maximus, playground hero! I give Ivan a nice 2.5/10 score for that name. Sorry bro.

Third overall and we have the San Francisco Pride Parade drafting Henrik Lekberg Osterman. Henrik Lekberg Osterman played his SMJHL first season with the Colorado Raptors, a team that was formerly the Colorado Mammoths – mammoths and raptors are both prehistoric creatures who have gone extinct butare beloved by nostaligic human beings today and star in films such as “Jurrassic Park”, “Ice Age”, “Ice Age 2”, “Ice Age 3”, and “The Land Before Time”, just to name a few. For the Colorado Raptors, Henrik Lekberg Osterman was a bad forward who didn’t play much or enough defense as he was the team leader in worst plus minus with a terrible -9 that really makes him appear like he was a negative presence on the ice but he is young so that is a good thing for Henrik Lekberg Osterman. It sounds like Henrik Lekberg Osterman is from Sweden, home of IKEA, Volvo, Sweg, and Mayuu. But he also sounds like he is a hot dog brand like a competitor of Oscar Meyer Weiner and I would definitely be curious to try Henrik Lekberg Osterman hot dogs, which I think they actually serve at IKEA with their Swedish meatballs and lingonberry pie. Or maybe he is a Henrik Lekberg Osterman his name is my name too! Whenever we go out, people always shout, Henrik Lekberg Osterman-er Schmidt! Ya da ya da ya da ya. It’s honestly a very stupid name though like it sounds like he was just trying to have a long name and I think he could have done far better. 2/10.

Fourth overall and man I’m already tired. However, the show must go on as here the Toronto North Stars selected Bobby Lane from the Montreal Militia who I still want to call the Montreal Impact. Vive L’Impact!!!! Oui oui baguette bonsoir pingy je suis un requin et je vais te manger nom nom nom nom. Bobby Lane est un forward avec un stick grande. Bobby Lane as 19 points and I’m tired of practicing my french already. Bobby Lane was just okay this season but played limited time and Bobby Lane is actually a true relative of Lois lane, the wife of Iron Man. That is some great history he is a part of as he tries to become a superhero in his own right and that it something the Toronto North Stars will need to become a good team again as they have just been terrible for a while now and still have a long way to go although they do have Mikhail Lokitonov who has been a great all around player but has no team success to show for it which will certainly be a stain on his career. Now Bobby Lane is a lowkey decent name. No try hard weirdo shitlike Hekberg Osman so I give Bobby Lane a good 5/10.

At number five we have Ryan Shepard, another normal name after the second and third were just a bit out there and not really very cool or good but with way too much effort to try. Shepard was taken by the Chicago Syndicate, a team with a name that literally nobody else could ever even think of except for the fact that it was born around the same time another Syndicate team from Las Vegas was born which was some next level shit and I still have a tin foil hat on some Alex Jones attitude about because there had to have been something more than a coincidence. Like the Lions or something like that – I have no problem believing in a coincidence. But the Syndicate? I can’t buy it. Anyways, Shepard didn’t really do much for the Kelowna Knights this past season as he played just thirteen minutes per game yet Chicago saw something in that forward’s play to pick him early like this in a pretty deep draft. He only scored 11 points and was one of their worst players though not as terrible as Sterling Slaughter V who was maybe the worst player in the world there. Anyways, Shepard can be compared to Moses as they are both kinda like shepherds – Moses shepherded a shit load of people out of slavery like the OG Harriett Tubman and Ryan Shepard shepherds in something less exciting, maybe he shepherds in a lot of goals for the opponents or sheep or something like that like a BORING player BORING. Just like the boring player he is with boring statistics and boring things he shepherds he’s also got a boring name so I gave him 4/10 because at least it’s not terrible like Sterling Slaugter.

Next up at numero six is the guy Augustus Wang. Drafted by the Buffalo Stampede, he’s ripe for tampering by Daco, the brilliant former Co-GM of the Minnesota Chiefs who has a thing for Buffalo prospects because they are part of a fucking stacked organization and maybe the best organization in the entire league despite the bemoaning of butthurt people who hate us cus they anus. Yeah, basically I bet Daco would like the Wang. Now Wang reminds me of the Chinese version of Augustus Gloop. Now please don’t ask me who Augustus Gloop is but I bet you UNCULTURED MILLENIALS don’t even know so I will tell you. Augustus Gloop is from Roald Dahl’s book entitled “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” and he was a fat boy. He ate so much chocolate that he won the golden ticket and got to visit Willy Wonka’s chocolate and candy factory, the famous and well-guarded fortress of global candy emporium located in the city where Charlie and his grandpa is from. Now Augustus, the lover of chocolate, loved chocolate too much and it became his undoing when he came across Willy Wonka’s river of chocolate which he ate because it was chocolate but then he fell inside and got sucked up a tube and the enslaved oompa Loompas laughed at him and sang a song about him and all that so Augustus Wang is just like that only he is Chinese and plays hockey as a defenseman and played in the juniors for the Anchorage Armada which play in a cold part of the world called Alaska. He actually did well for being on such a shitty team and was one of the select few there with a positive plus minus which you just love to see. Paying homage to the great Augustus Gloop, I gotta give credit where credit is due and give the Wang a solid 6/10. But man I’m still waiting for good names.

Lucky number seven was where the Los Angeles Panthers picked and the Panthers, having one of the oldest general managers in the league in Wasty, who was general managing that team since before almost everyone in the SHL even created a player in the SHL and possibly before some were even born well definitely before Nuck’s son was born and Nuck’s son has a player named Hunky Monkey! At this pick the Panthers managed to select Disisde Dayudie, a defenseman from the Lethbridge Lions of the SMJHL. Now I’m not sure where Lethbridge is but it honestly sounds like it’s in the United Kingdom which is too far for a team in this league to be from and besides hockey isn’t even big there it’s just like a small thing there so this Lethbridge must be in some other country. Well, the Lions are a weird team with like half of the team doing well and half being just terribly terrible but Disisde Dayudie was like the rare guy on the team who was somewhere in the middle. Based on what I see though I think he really needs to work on defense because he is a defenseman who scored 26 points as a rookie but still wasn’t all that good so he should really work and being a better defensive guy maybe add a little defense here, some puck handling, checking, all that it can really go a long way. Now for those of you who are like wow Baelor you’re so harsh with these ratings it’s really unfortunate and SAD! Well let me just say I kinda dig this guy’s name. It looks like some nonsense at first like Diouoiudoiauoi which looks like the name of a place in Burkina Faso or Cote d’Ivoire but then you just gotta relax, take a breath, take a sip of your essential oil infused ginger green tea with a dapple of kale and just read it again. Maybe read it aloud, like if you were delivering a presidential address to a million people. And you see, it’s a fun name. Makes me thing Disisde Dayudie is a real fun guy like Kawhi Leonard, two time NBA champion and just a fun guy who is now playing for the Los Angeles Clippers which!!!! Drama alert!!!! Is also in Los Angeles. You know, I think this is probably Kawhi Leonard’s account which is cool that we have a famous person here so because he is famous I rate his name 12/10.

Okay, now we move to pick number eight and this right here is cool. The Panthers actually have a back to back pick here and this time took a dude called Vorian Atreides. Vorian Atreides is a forward out of Colorado, the team name Colorado Raptors. He was pretty bad for the Raptors, even as a forward he scored just 13 points and was rated a -7! Meaning he gave up 7 more goals than were scored while he was on the ice, just some bad stuff there. His name is kinda bad too. So I searched his first name because I’m like this dude sounds like a Game of Thrones character, a series created by George Reeeeeee Martin who makes boring ass books that are good but could easily be reduced by like 80% and you wouldn’t miss any action and spoiler alert but everyone probably knows in the television series final season than skipped ahead of George’s plans Arya Stark, a girl in the Stark House who has a bastard brother and a cripple brother, killed the White King and was the hero but honestly I didn’t even watch most of the last season because I’m not a nerd. Anyways I searched Vorian on the premier search engine of the world Ask Jeeves and lo and behold I found the exact name of the guy Vorian Atreides! Apparently this guy comes from the Dune Universe which I honestly have no idea what it is but it seems like one of five hundred billion medieval era fantasy land things and this Vorian Character was born to a human slave who was impregnated by a fucking Titan named Agamemnon lololololol. What a surprise, a bastard child in these fantasy land stories. But the article on this guy is so longas it turns out he was a prominent military commander during the Butlerian Jihad who turned from the service of Omnius to fight against the Thinking Machines. Yeah, that’s what this shit says and it sounds just awful. Name rating 0/10 lol. Just retire now Votrian.

Next up and wow it is another pick from the panthers! LOL JK I got you the only had two in a row not three hahah PUNKED. Taken ninth by the Hamilton Steelhawks, the team that offered Buffalo Stampede defenseman Monkey D. Luffy a 10x10 deal but couldn’t even lure him with that, was Hariken Urawa, who sounds very Japanese and maybe a weeb and just like Voltrian he played for the Colorado Raptors although was a little less bad despite scoring just 11 points he also got just 10 minutes per game. When I consult with Google for this one obviously some weird hentai results come. It’s weird so I just close out of that shit and I see that Urawa is a place in Japan near Tokyo so I can say that this guy is just a normal Japanese dude who probably likes anime from a place near Tokyo. This is probably the equivalent of a boring name like Charles Walker in English so I can’t do much besides rate it 3/10.

Maybe I end here at ten because I’m writing up a serious storm! At the tenth pick, which is the first pick of the double digits which is just a nice tidbit to know is none other than Ricky Bobby. Now this here is a name I haven’t heard in a long time! But you know what Ricky Bobby says, right? “If you’re not first you’re last” so basically Ricky Bobby got picked last in the whole draft haha Ricky Bobby is now known as Mr. Irrelevant so basically I can’t even write anymore about this guy since he is irrelevant.

At pick eleven the Calgary Dragons selected Joseph Weston. Joseph Weston played for the Montreal Militia and was actually alright in some limited time scoring 11 points and having a shooting percentage of over 17% which is just great and could be enough for him to be a star one day! Joseph Weston has a boring name though like there are probably a million or more Josephs in the world hell I probably know 100 of them and I’m just one person alone! But maybe thereis hope as I found a Joseph Weston website called josephweston.org where you can meet Joseph Weston, a software developer with a Ph.D. in theoretical physics and a penchant for writing quality code for scientific applications. I got to say, it’s a dull name. Giving him a 3/10. Please I hope the next few can be okay so I can boost up this wordcount a bit more before I just give up on this.

At number twelve it’s amazing that we have another team with back to back picks! Again we have the Calgary Dragons, the team that illegally sent Alex Mack down to the SMJHL without going through the proper procedures and tried to plead ignorance despite being a general manager longer than Robert Mugabe’s reign over Zimbabwe. So with this twelfth pick (I like how some words switch v and f when using it in a different way like leaf and leaves and five and fifth and knife and knives) they selected Alex Rykov. Now this guy sounds quite Russian and I really feel like he should be Alexander Rykov not Alex Rykov. Alexander Rykov just flows off the tongue like water whereas Alex Rykov sounds like my tongue got caught in rocks and now I have to chew the rocks into stones then put them onto rice and stuff it in a burrito and eat it. Alexander Rykov was a nice player for the Montreal Militia this season, leading the team from the province of Quebec home of the Quebecois and McGill University with a solid stat line of 12 goals and 12 assists as a rookie and being just a serious killer on the powerplay and I can only imagine what he will do in a bigger role! Again, while I do really wish his name was Alexander Rykov instead of Alex, I think he was named after a true badass by the name of Alexei Rykov who was a real leader of the people in Russia and basically followed in the footsteps of Vladimir Lenin and was exucted for opposing Josef Stalin – hah see another fucking Joseph like give me a break here I should lower Joseph Weston to a 1/10 now honestly since he is probably named after STALIN. Anyways if his named were Alexander I could give him 10/10 really but due to that one flaw I give him 7.5/10 because his name is like eating rocks.

At number thirteen – a lucky number for some and an unlucky number for others including hotels and other buildings that will sometime omit the number thirteen from the floor list due to superstition and I think the Los Angeles Angels don’t even allow players to wear number thirteen because of it too which is just crazy so who knows what this pick will become. Maybe if I were the San Fancisco Pride, owners of the thirteenth pick, I would trade it to remove the stain of the number thirteen from their history of bad lucks and sad adventures but they did not do that! They kept the pick and did something even more special here! They drafted a goalie! Yes, a goalie! A goalie by the name of Ian Venables. Now Ian Venables was the goalie for the Colorado Raptors and boy oh boy did he really suck. Like his save percentage was .862 and he got replaced by the backup goalie nine times in the season – that is more than 20% of his starts which is just bad bad bad! I mean I’m not so surprised because Ian Venables is an old man well past his physical peak as a 64 year old British composer of art songs and chamber music. He seems like a real snobby guy too and probably has rotten teeth lol especially at that old age. Man what a bad guy and his name is just too elitist too like I’ll give him 2/10.

Okay I think I will just power through the first round and do a bonus seventeenth pick because man I can’t ignore that seventeen guy. Anyways up here at fourteen are the Manhattan Rage, located in Manhattan a borough of New York City, the city of lights and home of Jay Z. At this fourteenth pick, they chose a Militia forward named Phineas Gold[b], a guy who didn’t play much and may not play much next season either. Now when I look at him,you know what I see? I think he is Phineas of Phineas and Ferb and that is a true treat to the SHL to have ANOTHER celebrity here in addition to the fun guy Kawhi Leonard! And you know when we have some real life celebrities here I will always be modest and unbiased in my ratings so I will give Phinease Gold a very modest 11/10.

If you’ve read this far you’re truly a treat. But I doubt anyone will because this is pure torture to write and probably even more torturous and mind numbing to read. At fifteen it was the West Kendall Platoon – do you know where West Kendall is? It is a. in Chicago b. in Tennessee c. in Miami or d. in Sao Paulo. If you answer c you’re a winner! Well it’s not in Miami but apparently it’s close. Naming it West Kendall though is just strange and was done by a very bad human so it should really be changed how about let’s campign for a change who’s with me?!?!?!?! Anyways at pick number fifteen, which is a great pick number because when you’re fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you’re gonna believe them and when you’re fifteen it feels like there’s nothing to figure out just count to ten take it it in thisis life before you know who you’re gonna be at fifteen the Platoon took Andrey Barbashev II. Andrey Barbashev II is the son of Andrey Barbashev, a guy who played his eleven season career with the Toronto North Stars and if you don’t know him then it is probably for a good reason because he was like a slightly above average player at best but hey I guess this Andrey Barbashev II dude has hockey in his blood and iron in his veins just waiting for a chance to become better than his father which I think he could do with just a little effort though the start to his career has not been so promising based on his measly eleven points with the Kelowna Knights. Now this name is just alright – a typical Russian playing hockey who wants to be like Ovechkin but is probably closer to Alexei Semenov who was basically nothing very good despite trying hard. I gotta respect Andrey Barbashev for naming his son Andrey Barbashev II because he is doing his very best to continue the bloodline and create a legacy despite not being an impressive hockey player so I give him a good 6/10 for this name. He should hope he can at least be a bit better than his dad though because that could mean in 50 generations they will produce a generational player through reproduction!

Okay second to last pick here we go noot noot! At the end of the first round it was the current SHL Champions the holders of the legendary CHALLENGE CUP the Edmonton Blizzard, who are named well for their location in a snowy area and if there is a team called a blizzard then global warming isn’t real haha! Take that Greta Thornberry! Haha interestingly enough when we bring up Greta it is the Edmonton Blizzard taking a Swedish meatball by the name of [b]Marcus Ohlsson and boy are these cold locations really representing! Marcus Ohlsson was the top Marcus for the Vancouver Whalers this season scoring 14 points but being second worst in plus minus to the inexplicably horrendous Bjorn Leppanen from rival country Finland, I think! This name seems very normal for a place like Sweden so I don’t know how much more I can say about him! 5/10!

Finally we are at pick number seventeen, the first pick of the second round and the last pick I will include here because man I’m tired and pumping out words like this is just hard work and something I’m doing for that double pay bro. Here at number seventeen we have the Los Angeles Panthers up again! They already had two picks in the first round and are back here for some more things! At this pick they took a Finnish forward from the Kelowna Knights named Kalevolaripaavo Käspertommevisnapuu. Yeah try reading that one lol Kalevolaripaavo Käspertommevisnapuu. That’s a really long name and you know I really hope he will be successful because that is just a cool name that I think can be great in the record books of the SHL and will have people copying and pasting all day like now so I can say Kalevolaripaavo Käspertommevisnapuu quickly without breaking my fingers. He even played very well for the Knight, scoring 30 points as a rookie with just thirteen minutes per game! He is on to a great start guys! And his name is just cool Kalevarapio Kaspenmapoo. My ukkelini that’s for sure I just got to give this guy a rating a nice one. I give him 19/10!

And that’s all folks! I hope you had a good time reading this article and find much value in this insightful analysis. I’m always looking forward to your comments and don’t forget to hit the subscribe button here!