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Z0REM · 11-18-2019, 09:35 AM

[Draft X2 Media, 4400 Words]

Alright folks I am back at this again. In case you missed the last rendition, I started this with just the kraken players last season where I took their players names and made up ridiculous things about them and then scored them arbitrarily based on how cool or ridiculous I thought their player names were. In this rendition, I am to do the same thing with every single draftee in the upcoming SMJHL draft tomorrow. I just want to let everyone know that there are a lot of great players out there in this draft and I have no idea who is going to be drafted where. I wont be putting in names into an order but I will break down the scoring rubric.

THE LEADING HEADER
Yes, this report will have headers. I will probably also split the sections into different positions in case someone wants to look at this with a professional scouting eye and believe my assessment of names is the only way to draft people. At the time of this article starting I am not planning on doing any charts or fun things, but that could change based on my time today and the boredom to which I attain at work. There is also a caveat that I might not finish all the players and therefore if I missed your player I might be able to circle around and finish it on Monday since you can do double draft media through next week. Thank god. Imagine if double draft media ended when the draft happened? There would be a serious issue in the rise of gambling in this league and we would all be poor and lost in our pursuit of SHL gear. Goldy needs some new shit after completely tearing it up in the Juniors this past season so as his agent it has come to me to provide just about everything for this guy. Seriously people, I have a life too but I am stuck doing this in order to make some serious cash. So without further fanfare and exposition by yours truly. It is time to detail the rubric.

THE RUBRIC
Alright. So this is the section where I could either say that there was no rubric before I started writing this article, but that was in the past. We are in the new era now and therefore 5 minutes ago will not cut it. So I am making a rubric.
FIRST SECTION - COMPLEXITY
Every name will be scored out 10 points and there will be three main sections. Section one will be complexity. You will get a score out of 4 for complexity. Now this field is a little difficult to define because usually the longer and more random letter you put in a name the worse it is for everyone on the site. This is true up to a certain point where the name becomes so complex that it actually turns the bell curve and starts becoming cool again.
SECOND SECTION – AFFINITY
This section will be scored out of 3 points and will detail what I think is the affinity of your name to your players country and position. Are you a defender with a name that sounds like a blocky physical guys? Or are you a winger and you made some puns about flying or being a good scorer? Does your username play a part in your character’s name? Or did you just make something up. I will be looking at all of this and more and will give a score out based on what I think your affinity is.
THIRD SECTION – THE “Z” FACTOR
Alright this is what will make or break your high score. The Z factor is combined of several secret characteristics and special factors that makes this scouting service what it is. In fact, it is important to announce that we cannot announce what comprises the Z factor or other people might start using our algorithm to undermine our good efforts here. Suffice to say that the Z factor is another 3 points that you can earn to help round out a score.
TOTAL SCORE
Now while I plan on giving everyone an aggregate score, I will not be showing the whole breakdown. Each section has careful deliberations put into it and I would have to describe and break down every score individually and I just do not have that kind of time. All scores will be wrapped into a total score to make sure that all draftees are given a comprehensive analysis of their name without going into the weeds too much.

PROLOGUE II
In this history of this report, our own player Phineas Gold actually rated the lowest out of all the krakens so you can guarantee that there is no bias here. Even with such a low rating, you can see that Phineas was drafted early in round 2 in both of his drafts and this proves that these scores don’t really matter. Other, better, named players were taken before and after the great Gold and I don’t think GM’s care what you name your player and that if I were to do it again I would probably make it a silly pun or something. In the end we all made our decision and unless you want to write a media article where you go to probate and family court in the USA to change your name and describe the three month waiting period it takes, it’s probably not worth your time. So you are probably stuck with your name no matter what you do. Then again. Sweet media cash so if you can bang out a 2000 work article based on a name change procedure I bet you can probably get it approved. Although I wonder how bojo would feel about that breaking his stat scraper since previously uploaded stats would be under your old name. But as rookies you currently do not have any stats to add to the tracker so you can change your name without any worry! And with that being said, it is time to get right into the fray with our first player.

THE PLAYERS

DEFENSEMEN

Blake Faux – D || Height: 6ft 2in || Weight: 225 lbs || Birthplace: Immaculate Conception
Strengths: Defense, Checking, Endurance || Weakness: Scoring
Alright his is our first player that we are reviewing. First person created for this draft. I’ve always liked the name Blake. It’s a classic name that I usually like to associate with people who are tall and play a sport of some sort. Check and check. No birthplace though so it is a little hard to determine how their name would fit amongst other people. I can imagine a defensemen with the name Blake. But after Blake we get the name Faux. So now we have this image of a guy who is a fake, and not a real Blake? What is a Blake if it is not a Blake? That is a question we will have to find out this season. Maybe he plans on making other players play a fake version of their hockey by being a pure defensive defenseman. We should see this guy hitting up some misdirection plays throughout the season so look for this shifty guy.
Total score: 6/10

Casimir Blaszczyk – D Height: 6ft 4in || Weight: 222 lbs || Birthplace: Poland
Strengths: Scoring, Skating, Defense || Weakness: Checking
Based on my simple understanding of how names are pronounced we usually go with how a name look to me at first glance. Oops that’s one of the patented secrets I did not want to spread around. So here I get a sense of Cashmere Blazecheck. So I really like what this guy has going here. With his first name it looks like were going for a player that is really elegant and so I expect something fancy from him. On the other side we have a name that sounds like he’s got some grit, so it’s a little concerning that he chose checking as a weakness. If he was from the Czech republic we might have had a problem here as well, but thankfully he is Polish. So what I expect from someone with this name is a polished skillset that would have high checking and be a general hot head on the ice… Except he is a defensemen who is at least offensive. This guy might sling insults and goals with regularity, but I am sure that someone out there was hoping that he would be more in your face than we will expect.
Total Score: 7/10

Ryszard Franciszek – D || Height: 6ft 6in || Weight: 240 lbs || Birthplace: Poland
Strengths: Scoring, Defense, Puck Handling|| Weakness: Checking
Another Polish Powerhouse. This is a guy who I would expect to be a franchise member of whatever team drafted him. Just look at that last name! His first name makes me think that this guy will shift like a lizard and just when you think you’ve bested him he will be right there to get in your way. Or a flying dragon. I am trying to make up my mind. Either way this guy will be weaving in and out of your opponents looking for that position to strike. Just don’t expect him to be much of a fighter. I get the idea either way that he does not really want to play defense, but he is getting paid to be there.
Total Score: 5/10

Jebany Franciszek – D || Height: 6ft 2in || Weight: 210 lbs || Birthplace:
Strengths: Defense, Strength, Passing || Weakness: Scoring
I would almost consider this guy the brother of the one above him expect for the fact that he left his birthplace blank. I get that they were probably going for a duo somewhere and that I think I saw a media about it. They tried to complement each other’s skills here but we get into the issue of what happens if they do not go to the same team? Jebany sounds like he wants to settle down and farm some points. With his strengths set the way they are I can see this guy making moves to do just that. While not purely defensive, he is thinking about the future of the Franciszek legacy while supporting his team from behind. Good guy Jeb thinking of others first before himself. I hope we see him max checking and reimagining a useful enforcer type.
Total Score: 7/10

Derek Holdson – D || Height: 6ft 2in || Weight: 205 lbs || Birthplace: Canada
Strengths: Defense, Checking, Skating || Weakness: Scoring
YOU SAID WE GOTTA HOLD SON TO WHAT WE GOT. IT DOESN”T MAKE A DIFFEREANCE IF WE’RE READY OR NOT! That’s an American song, not a Canadian song. Good try with that one, but he can still make up those points in another fashion. Derek Holdson. He’s a guy with big hands and a bigger… sock. This guy is going to sock it to the other players dick first. He is going to skate right into anyone that has an issue with his Canadian birth and defy the expectations. If you really piss him off he is just going to hold onto you and beat the shit out of you. I like it. Draft the guy.
Total Score: 8/10

Simon Moreau – D || Height: 6ft 1in || Weight: 210 lbs || Birthplace: Laval, QC (Canada)
Strengths: Passing, Defense, Skating || Weakness: Scoring
This guy is going to be an evil genius on the ice. He’s got the SimonT tribute name and hes clearly the greatest villain that Sherlock Holmes has ever faced in disguise as a hockey player. He’s playing 4d chess while everyone is still playing the 2d chess. This guy is playing today and tomorrow at the same time. While you’re figuring out how to beat him, he is already playing the next team. Just like Moriarity, he doesn’t do the killing himself, but prefers to get other to do his dirty work. You won’t see him coming, but he is already there. High draftability.
Total Score: 10/10

Sabo Tage – D || Height: 6ft 4in || Weight: 205 lbs || Birthplace: Canada
Strengths: Scoring, Defense, Skating || Weakness: Checking
THE BEASTIE BOY! By the time you hear the 2nd part of his name he’s already scored. “Now announcing the opening line up, Sabo…. WHATS THIS HE’S SCORED ALREADY!!!... TAGE!!!!! The possibilities are endless. If his team doesn’t play sabotage every time he scores then something is wrong. He will have that old school plays with a new beat to them. I was hoping he would like scoring, skating, and checking as then he would hit fast and hard, but having defense as a strength doesn’t really go towards the theme of Sabotage.
Total Score: 6/10

FORWARDS

Simothy Drunkebird – C || Height: 5ft 6in|| Weight: 183 lbs || Birthplace: Czech Republic
Strengths: Strength, Defense, Skating || Weakness: Endurance (Used free change from Scoring in 11/2 update.)
I like this name a lot. It helps that I have gotten to know Esso and his personality a little bit by seeing him in my locker rooms here and there. I think this name has a lot going for it. With his knowledge he is clearly paying homage to Simon T here hoping that with a name like this he is going to be given the best of luck. We will ignore his brief stint on the raptors as a free agent because he was still growing into the league. His last name is a bit of a trick because I wanted it to say DrunkeNBird like he was just a bird that was always drunk, but he left out the “N” and now I am sad. He is a bit of a smaller guy so I like that it reminds me of little Timmy . He’s looking to be a scraper who will outskate the competition and all you need to do is outlast him.
Total score: 9/10

Theo Golury – LW || Height (ft.): 6'0'' || Weight (lbs.): 190 || Birthplace: Austria
Strengths: Scoring, Passing, Puck handling || Weakness: Checking
A solid gangly youth right here entering the fray. I look at this name I think of power, I think of golems, I think of something unyielding. A great name for a defenseman. What we have here though is a forward who wants to get his name on the board. Either by passing or scoring Theo wants to be there. Theo is the name of a chocolate company in Seattle so I expect this guy to a sort of milk chocolate. Everyone’s favorite unless you really really hate milk chocolate. Golury is also a mouthful for announcers to say although you could abbreviate it to GOAAAAAAALURY. It could work in some situations, but either way that name on a score sheet is pretty complex.
Total Score: 4/10

Stirling MacTavish – C || Height: 5ft 11in || Weight: 194 lbs ||Birthplace: Great Britain
Strengths: Passing, Face Offs, Defense || Weakness: Checking
Legend kills it again. If Mitchell Maverick was not good enough for the haters out there he has outdone himself with Stirling MacTavish. This name is just beautiful. And he’s from Great Britain??? Spot on. I would stop here but all names must be reviewed. From a name like this I can imagine a guy with a penchant for the flair. He will be the flashiest guy on the ice. People will equate his name with standards. Go gettem you beautiful bastard.
Total Score: 10/10

SLATT Potts – RW || Height: 5'11 || Weight: 195 lbs ||Birthplace: Atlanta, Georgia
Strengths: Scoring, Defense, Skating || Weakness: Strength
Alright the first American that I got to review! Finally a guy that could help me and my own out. Maybe he’s a Thrashers fan? This is probably the legitimate child of Tony Stark’s cousin right here. On the mother’ side. His claim to fame was this someone in his family married a rich guy and therefore was able to grow up with a little notoriety but able to avoid the limelight. We can imagine since he was born he was slated to try and make a name for himself eventually. So what we have here is a RW player who is looking to play middle of the road. Not too flashy, but just flashy enough. They have grown to be accustomed to be a little better than the rest, but middling. Great name! Middle of the road draftability.
Total Score: 5/10

Cal Labovitch – RW || Height: 6ft 1in || Weight: 202 lbs || Birthplace: Switzerland
Strengths: Passing, Skating, Puck Handling || Weakness: Checking
Probably because I have a friend who’s last name is Labovitch that I guess I have to grade this one a little unfairly. In my mind, a Labovitch is a really really tall person who has got long limbs. This would help him to excel at stupid skills like the Michigan or wrap arounds while being on the completely other side of the net. Cal actually has a great name for a scoring forward who wants to put that puck in the net in flashy ways. What might happen here is a speed skater who has great puck handling. You want a speedy guy to take off to help another forward out on a 2v1 then Cal is your guy. Either way, it’s a great picture for this forward.
Total Score: 8/10

James Manzi - C || Height: 6ft 8in || Weight: 200 lbs ||Birthplace: United States
Strengths: Scoring, Skating, Puck Handling || Weakness: Checking
The Manazon like James Cameron. We have got a tall guy here who wants to have a little panache to his stride. Taller than life we will probably see him use a lot of special effects to gradually increase his score. Scoring, skating, and PH put him in the flash zone and with his height he will really be head and shoulders ahead of the competition. This guy’s name screams giant and he definitely one of those. You want to draft the man, look no further. This beanpole chose a great name to accompany his player.
Total Score: 10/10

Jonathan Oderon – RW || Height: 6ft 7in || Weight: 186 lbs || Birthplace: United States
Strengths: Scoring, Puck Handling, Checking || Weakness: Defense
Jonathon Oberon. The Viper. This guy is going to be a cunning a cruel player on the ice. That’s what I get from this name. He is going to know where to be and when to be to deliver the maximum hurt to his opponents. Not really and American quality, I see this as being more of a European vibe so hard to see glory from the name in that way. Everything else checks out with how I would expect a guy named like Jonathan Oderon would play. Although it seems he out grew even his parents expectations and with his talk, but skinny frame, we shall see if the hits he can deliver will be significant enough to make people remember him.
Total Score: 6/10

Konrad Francisek – RW || Height: 5ft 9in || Weight: 165 lbs || Birthplace: Poland
Strengths: Scoring, Skating, Puck Handling || Weakness: Defense
Alright I am starting to think we have quintuplets here. Unfortunately for this guy he actually has dlight different spelling than the other 4 members of this unlikely crew meaning this guy is probably going to be the black sheep of the league. Comrade Black Sheep actually. Sounds like he should be a Russian spy or something. So this will be a sneaky guy who will stab you in the side before you know it with a goal. Sure enough, he is short and tiny and you will never see him coming.
Total Score: 5/10

Borys Franciszek – LW || Height: 6ft 6in || Weight: 228 lbs || Birthplace: Poland
Strengths: Checking, Strength, Scoring || Weakness: Skating
Now we are back to the brothers here. How a mother put 4 children and potentially a 5th through hockey at a young age, and then supported as they grew up we will never know. Maybe Poland is putting together a spectacular IIHF team and are sponsoring parents with subsidies if they can create powerful hockey players. Here we have Borys the Boris. The tough skating rowdy offensive man of the bunch. With a name like Borys I expect him to be the guy who is sitting at the bar minding his own business until you, the drunk guy, walk over to him and make a disparaging comment about his mother… and then decks you. Since I have already done that I should probably leave this comment before Borys comes for me too.
Total Score: 8/10

Filip Franciszek – C || Height: 6ft 2in || Weight: 189 lbs || Birthplace: Poland
Strengths: Passing, Puck Handling, Skating || Weakness: Defense
Alright the last brother finally. We have now reviewed all 5. Why the mother stopped at 5 and didn’t have a 6th for a goalie we will never know. Probably because she knew that the brother would probably beat on that last one to toughen him up, or maybe he’s an even younger brother and we’ll see him at the next draft. Filip here is the calmest most even keeled member of the Polish 5 this draft season. With a name like Filip you think of him like the dad figure. Good Ol’ Filip. Reliable Ol’ Filip. He’s passing around compliments and puck alike. Great name.
Total Score: 9/10

Jeffrey Santiago – RW || Height: 5ft 10in || Weight: 151 lbs || Birthplace: United States
Strengths: Passing, Defense, Puck Handling || Weakness: Checking
Jeffrey Santiago. The Texas Sheriff is in town. This guy is ready to corral the SHL and hog tie them up or his name isn’t Jeffrey Santiago. This guy is going to have smooth hands and he will be able to wrangle plays that other could not even dream of. I don’t know why the name inspires sheriff to me, but it does inspire a true center player in my mind. Medium height, low weight. You would expect him to excel at skating, but he is probably just middle of the pack. Preferring his prey to come to him so he can use sleight of hand to dish the puck the other way.
Total Score: 8/10

Trey Nets – C || Height: 6ft 1in || Weight: 215 lbs || Birthplace: United States
Strengths: Scoring, Puck Handling, Skating || Weakness: Checking
I am not entirely sure why a basketball player decided that they should come play in a hockey league. Not sure if he will have the skills to make it that far, but we could all be impressed. I can’t actually think of anything entirely impressive about Trey Nets. Maybe he sees three nets and with the extra visualization he does he can imagine scoring on three paths at any one time. Good on Trey for breaking through hockey player stereotypes. Maybe with his success we could see more of the same as people give hockey the real recognition it deserves.
Total Score 4/10

Oscar Cordero – RW || Height: 6ft 3in || Weight: 208 lbs || Birthplace: Cuba
Strengths: Scoring, Defense, Skating || Weakness: Checking
Oscar Cordero is the kind of player who would be a real grouch in the locker room, but you can not help but love him as he smuggles in surprising goals for the team. This guy should be an excellent shooter from the slot as he takes Ovechkins office and just moves it to the very tip of the net. This guy will be scoring at odd angles as his name implies. As they say, have a threat close to home and no one looks at the other guys.
Total Score: 6/10

Velveteen Dream – C || Height (ft.): 6'4" || Weight (lbs.): 225 || Birthplace: Dreamland (unassigned)
Strengths: Passing, Puck Handling, Defense || Weakness: Checking
“Total Score 11/10”
Total Score 10/10

Morgan Forestier – C || Height (ft.): 6'2" || Weight (lbs.): 204 lbs. || Birthplace: Drummondville, Quebec
Strengths: Passing, Strength, Defense || Weakness: Checking

GOALIES
Oleg Igorevich Burov – G || Height: 6ft 4in || Weight: 210 lbs || Birthplace: Russia
Strengths: Style Control, Reaction Time, Hand Speed || Weakness: Skating
This has got to be one of the most Russian names I have seen in a long time. It is like he has got three Russian first names: Oleg, Igor, and Burov. So I expect him to act like three people when he is on the ice. His opponents will feel like the goal is just being guarded by someone with 6 eyes and hands. Which makes me think he should have been from India or something. But with all those hands and eyes you can bet that he will be there with some quick actions to deny anyone coming for him. And look at that we got Reaction Time and Hand Speed. Yup. Checks out. 6 legs will not help the skating either. Checks out. Splendidly done. Extremely draftable what else can I say?
Total Score: 8/10

Samat Beibitzhanov – G || Height (ft.): 5ft 11in|| Weight (lbs.): 191 || Birthplace: Russia
Strengths: Rebound Control, Hand Speed, Reaction Time || Weakness: Size
Float like a butterfly, sting like a baby kalashnikov. This a goalie you don’t want to see on the other side of the ice. Just when you think your pistol of a shot is going to get past the other goalie, they respond with an automatic rifle of a hand that will just kill any chance you had at victory. Zap zap zap, there go your pucks. Before you know it, your offense just turned into a defense because you brought a single shooter to an automatic fight. This guy is Russian to boot. All around all-arounder, perfect draftability.
Total Score: 10/10

Olli Saarinen, Jr. – G || Height: 6ft 2in || Weight: 181 lbs || Birthplace: Finland
Strengths: Style Control, Hand Speed, Reaction Time || Weakness: Skating
If I like to call Mrazek “Twitchy” from his play style, then I can only call this kid “Jumpy”. Jumpy Jr will have a play style that puts him all over the net, possibly overextending some times. This will require him to have quick feet as he always wants to square himself to the puck for flash saves. True to form, this guy is a quick one who doesn’t have the greatest skating skills. But will try to make up for that by not skating and just jumping on the ice.
Total Score: 7/10

[Image: seamsu_500.png?ex=66b438d3&is=66b2e753&h...96a382d50&]

Credit to Vulfzilla for the awesome render pic

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