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*Ferda* · 01-12-2020, 10:05 PM

(~1200 Words)

Welcome back everyone, Ferda here. Today, we have some truly heartbreaking news in the city of Anchorage. The entire community has gathered into a city-wide riot in the heart of downtown Anchorage following a close fought game 7 victory against the Kelowna Knights in this season’s SMJHL Four Star Cup Finals. For the first time since the team has moved to Anchorage, the Armada have finally lifted the coveted Four Star Cup after they moved just over a decade ago from Prince George where they were last known as the Firebirds. This season, the city rallied around the Armada as there often is very little going on in the state of Alaska. Every night the people of Anchorage would gather in the streets to watch their favorite hockey team overcome the back to back champions, Carolina Kraken, in 6 games and then defeated the Vancouver Whalers in 6 games too as they thrusted themselves into the inevitable game 7 win versus the Kelowna Knights. Unfortunately, this is the most attention and emotion that the city of Anchorage has experienced since the 9.2 magnitude “Good Friday” earthquake on March 27th, 1964 that killed 115 Alaskans and had an estimated $300 million US Dollars which was estimated to be worth $1.8 billion US Dollars in 2007. After having such a big magnifying glass on them following the sudden controversy regarding potential performance enhancing drug use known as “40 Passing”, the people of Anchorage have finally been able to rejoice as their team has overcome adversity to win a championship.

The citizens of Anchorage were so overwhelmed with happiness and resentment for all of the haters from around the league that they decided to start a riot following their game 7 finals win against the Kelowna Knights. Anchorage’s riots mimicked the fated 2011 Vancouver Stanley Cup Riots that occurred following the Vancouver Canuck’s loss to the Boston Bruins in Game 7 of the NHL Stanley Cup Finals. Even though the hometown Armada won the championship when the Vancouver Canucks lost, the anger caused by the drama surrounding the beloved Armada team fueled their violent reaction to winning. The popular Anchorage news outlets framed this as a simple “public disturbance” that occurred in the downtown core of Anchorage, Alaska, United States of America. They claim that the riot broke out immediately following the conclusion of the game, but in reality, the riots were started long before the game ended. In the final minutes of the game, Augustus Wang drew a 2 minute delay of game penalty when the score was 4 to 3 in favor of the Anchorage Armada. The spectators both inside and outside of the arena, believed that Wang’s delay of game penalty was due to a misjudgment by the referees as they believed that the puck ricocheted off of a Kelowna player before going out of play. A couple of troublemakers started the riot by taking advantage of the anger of the large crowds around in the Anchorage viewing parties by setting cars on fire and actively encouraging people to flip other cars and break and enter into the surrounding store fronts. They utilized a combination of intoxication and anger to mobilize the crowd into becoming violent as one of the Armada’s star players, Augustus Wang, held a special promotion for their playoff run by providing 40% off for their Game 7 match using promo code HAMMYSTRAT on SHLKush.com. We at the Bois News Network (BNN) received notice that there were at least 180 people injured, which may account for over 80% of the Alaskan population already, but as of right now we are unsure if that number is entirely accurate. In addition to the 180 injured, about 5 people are in critical condition at the Alaska Regional Hospital which already seemed to be over their max capacity of 2 patients at a time. Furthermore, apparently at least 27 people were stabbed, 19 police officers were sexually assaulted and about 200 people were arrested that night. We interviewed one of the members of the riot as they were being escorted to a police car and they stated that it felt like almost the entire city was in handcuffs and that they’d all be going to jail. We spoke to other rioters who were busy looting from nearby luxury stores and they all said that this was a great experience and they hope that this happens again next season when the Armada look to win back to back championships. From this anecdotal evidence alone, we can see that the riot was actually a good thing for the city of Anchorage because it brought people of all cultural backgrounds together for once. Even though the property damage caused totaled to approximately $5 million in total, even the mayor of Anchorage states that the price was worth it for the unification of Alaskan citizens. Hockey brings people together and we at BNN are pleased to present such a heartwarming story for once out of Anchorage as they try to forget about Gabriel Johnson’s ghost that continues to haunt the city.

We spoke to the Anchorage Armada players following their victory and they were delighted to hear that their city was rioting over such a historic moment for the city and all of their fans. Augustus Wang was one of the first one’s we were able to talk to. Wang was nearly incoherent due to alcohol poisoning and too much [promo code WANG20 on SHLKush.com] aka the good stuff, but here is what he had to say: “F***in’ eh man. I’m a f***in’ champ that’s right b****!!!!! Gabe Johnson can suck my nuts! We did it without your deadweight drug using ass!!! THIS ONE’S FOR ALL THE BOYS BACK AT HOME!!! FERDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET’S BURN THE CITY DOWN FERDA BOYS LET’S GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REMEMBER TO USE PROMO CODE ARMADA AT SHLKUSH.COM TO SAVE 50% ON YOUR NEXT ORDER TO CELLY OUR BIG F***IN' WIN BOYS LET'S F***IN' GO!!!! FERDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The Armada assistant captain’s enthusiasm and spirit was echoed throughout the arena and the city as they took his words in stride and proceeded to unite the Anchorage people. In the locker room, bottles of champagne and tons of [promo code WANG20 at SHLKush.com] was rolled up and scattered across the room. Not only was there a riot going on around the city, but also in the Armada locker room too. Luckily, us at BNN were able to squeeze into the sea of half or fully naked men and women surrounded the Armada players as they celebrated their win. GM Max Brannigan was heard crying outside of the locker room saying that he was crying tears of joy and sadness while emptying a load of [redacted] into the trophy as he watched the team destroy the locker room. Holes were smashed into the walls of the locker room and various paraphernalia was scattered across the room as it seemed as if everyone from the stands gathered into the locker room to celebrate with the team. Truly a historic moment in Anchorage history and an amazing sight to be a part of.